The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  I turned to look at him.

  He was standing there in all his glory. His tuxedo pants around his ankles. His cock somehow still at full attention. "Now we can go upstairs," he said and leaned down to pull his pants back up.

  I laughed. "We have to get back to the reception."

  "No. The only thing we need to do right now is make love. As nice as that was, it wasn't actually how I wanted to leave things."

  I smiled. "James, we did just make love." I put my hand on the side of his face as he buttoned his pants.

  He lifted his gaze to mine. "Penny, I just fucked you against the door of the men's restroom. It was hardly making love."

  I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him. "Well I certainly feel loved."

  He smiled.

  "Come on, James," I said and grabbed his hand. "I want to dance. As long as I look okay?" I tried to smooth my hair back into place.

  He leaned down and grabbed my ripped thong from the ground and slipped it into his pocket. "It looks like we just had wild raunchy sex," he said.

  We both laughed as we walked out of the bathroom.

  Matt was standing there with his arms folded across his chest and a smile on his face. "Can't a guy take a piss around here?"

  "There's a bathroom down the other hall," James said as he straightened his bowtie.

  "Also occupied. Mason and Bee have been mysteriously missing since the end of dinner. It's probably them. Can I use the restroom now?"

  "Sorry, Matt," I said and stepped out of the way. I was sure my face was crimson.

  "No one should ever apologize for having an orgasm. That's what I always say." He pushed through the bathroom door. It closed behind him with a thud.

  "How long do you think he was standing out here listening to us?" James asked and stared at the closed door. "I think I need to go talk to him."

  "Nope." I grabbed James' arm and steered him back toward the ballroom. "He was waiting to use the bathroom. I warned you there'd be a line. You promised me a dance."

  Chapter 24

  Saturday

  I smiled as I watched Scarlett and James dancing. At first she had been standing on his shoes, but she had found out that twirling was much more fun. I didn't understand how she hadn't gotten too dizzy to stand yet.

  "May I have this dance?" Matt asked and put his hand out for me.

  I laughed. "Honestly, my feet are killing me, Matt. And I'm exhausted."

  "One dance." He smiled and kept his hand out.

  "Fine, just one." I put my hand in his and he helped me to my feet.

  It was a slow song I didn't recognize. Some old love ballad. I was glad that my stomach was in the way of us being able to dance any closer.

  "So all of our friends, including James, think I'm in love with you," Matt said.

  "I didn't say..."

  "But what do you think?" He twirled me around and then pulled me back in close.

  "I think that you're nice to me because you respect your friendship with me and with James. And that you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize either of those friendships."

  He smiled. "So you do think I'm in love with you?"

  "I didn't say that."

  "If you want to put your mind at ease, I'm not in love with you."

  "Good."

  He smiled again. "Good." He twirled me around once more. "I'm the youngest of my friends. I'll eventually get married. I'll eventually have kids. But I'm not in any rush for either."

  "Good," I said again. I wanted to roll my eyes at myself.

  "So do you think maybe you could tell your husband to take that stick out of his ass?"

  I laughed. "I can try. I don't get it though, Matt. What happened with Jen? And Kendra? Why do they all think you're an unemotional brick wall? You're always so nice to me."

  "Let's make a deal. How about you stay out of my relationship issues and I'll stay out of yours."

  "What relationship issues?"

  He laughed. "Penny."

  "Matthew."

  "You know I hate being called Matthew," he said and gave me an exaggerated frown.

  I couldn't help but laugh. "Then tell me what you meant."

  He shrugged.

  I punched him in the same spot that James had apparently been punching him."

  "Ow."

  "Tell me."

  "James has a huge list of problems. I don't think you need me to name them all. I love him like a brother, but that doesn't mean he's perfect. I've never really understood why you chose him."

  Harsh. "It's simple. I love him."

  "Right, I get that. But there are plenty of guys out there with their shit together that would love to be with you."

  Every word out of his mouth was making me more and more pissed. "What, like you?"

  He smiled. "Yeah, like me."

  "You just said you didn't like me." I punched his arm again.

  "No, I didn't say that. I said I wasn't in love with you. There's a pretty big difference between like and love."

  "I know. There's a huge difference. But I don't think you understand the difference, Matt. I love James with everything that I am. He's my husband, the father of my kids. He's everything to me."

  He stared at me blankly.

  "I'd take a bullet for him."

  "Would he for you?"

  "Of course he would."

  "You never saw what he was like before he met you."

  I swallowed hard. "I know. But he's not that way anymore." The song had stopped, but we were both still standing in the middle of the dance floor. "What was he like?" I don't know why I asked it. Matt's ulterior motives were pretty clear tonight. But he had been drinking since this afternoon. And every person here without a date was probably a little lonely. Being single and going to a wedding was never the best mix. He probably wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning. I wanted the information, though. I wanted to understand that part of James that I never knew.

  "He was a dead man walking," Matt said. "I'm not an unemotional brick wall. But he sure as hell was."

  Another song had started. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back in close.

  "You're drunk," I said.

  "Maybe. But I meant what I said."

  "Which part?"

  He smiled. "All of it."

  I punched him in the arm again.

  "Jesus, Penny." He released his hand on my waist to grab his arm. "Would you cut that out?"

  "If you stop hitting on me I'll stop hitting you. I hate you for making James right about this. It's bad enough I lose arguments without putting my neck out for a friend."

  Matt laughed. "I'm not hitting on you. You're so full of yourself. Which is a good quality. Guys like girls who embody confidence."

  I punched him again. "There are plenty of single girls here who would love to be with you."

  "Good," he said.

  "Well, good then."

  He smiled down at me.

  "Stop smiling at me."

  "I'm not allowed to smile at you now? Penny, we're friends. What I think about in my free time is really none of your business." He winked at me.

  So I punched him again.

  I jumped when James put his arm around my waist.

  "Can I steal my wife for this dance," James said. It was phrased as a question, but there wasn't a hint of a question in his tone. And he didn't wait for Matt to answer. He just pulled me into his arms.

  "Why did you just punch him?" he asked. There was a hint of humor in his eyes.

  "He was making me mad."

  "Okay, I'll rephrase the question." He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "What were you two talking about?"

  "Nothing important." I put my hands behind his neck. Maybe I'd tell him when he got back from his trip. But there was no reason to make him worry. I didn't care if Matt liked me. I only had eyes for James. "I'm pretty sure Matt is drunk."

  James laughed. "He's young. He's in his prime to make mistakes."

  "Like when you we
re his age?"

  "If I'm being honest, I can't really see them as mistakes anymore. How can anything I've done be a mistake if it's lead me to this moment?"

  I smiled. "You can't."

  He leaned down, pressing his forehead against mine. "I have to get going."

  No. "Don't leave tonight."

  "I'll be back before you know it."

  I frowned and pulled my face away from his. I didn't understand why I felt like crying. He had gone away on business countless times.

  "Is something else bothering you? I'm only going to be gone for a few days. You'll barely notice I'm not home."

  "Oh, I'll definitely notice." I bit the inside of my lip. "Did you have a chance to talk to Scar? The whole snake thing has been getting to me."

  "I talked to her. I don't think she'll be mentioning it anymore. She even claimed she wanted to watch the movie again. She was insisting actually. Don't worry, though, I shut that down right away. But I thought it was a good sign. It probably means she's not as scared anymore."

  "Well that's good. What exactly did you say to her to calm her down? Every time I told her the snake was just in the movie, it seemed to make her more upset."

  "I told her that she was scaring you."

  I laughed. "You did not."

  "I absolutely did. I told her she needed to stop talking about snakes because it was scaring Mommy."

  "I'm supposed to be able to protect her. I don't want her to think I'm easily terrified."

  "She doesn't. Besides, I'm the protector of the house. And I'll be back before you know it. I really have to get going, though."

  I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't quite place. I wanted to protest. I wanted to beg him to stay. Instead, I just nodded my head and tried to ignore the imminent tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

  He placed a gentle kiss against my lips.

  I grabbed the lapels of his tuxedo to deepen the kiss, but he pulled away far too soon.

  "Feel free to keep punching Matt as long as he keeps flirting with you," James said and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I'm going to have a little chat with him before I head out."

  Before I could say anything, James had dropped me from his embrace and was stalking over toward Matt. He grabbed him by the arm and pulled him off the dance floor.

  Bye, James. I put my hand on my stomach. What was this feeling? All I knew was that it wasn't just a chill down my spine. It was like my whole body felt cold.

  Chapter 25

  Sunday

  Maybe I was wrong about Axel weighing more than Scarlett. Tonight she felt like she weighed a ton. It was almost tempting to wake her up so that she could walk. Instead, I adjusted her on my hip and pressed the button for the elevator. James had been gone less than an hour and I already missed him terribly. I carried Scarlett onto the elevator and leaned against the wall as the doors closed.

  Ow. I slouched forward as a pain rippled through my side. Are you doing cartwheels now too? I put my free hand on my stomach. I need you to behave while your father is gone. Okay? Another sharp pain made me wince.

  When the elevator doors opened, I slowly stepped out. I glanced at the sign posted on the wall, signaling that our room was to the right. I adjusted Scar again and made my way down the hall. My hand rummaged around in my purse, searching for the keycard. Damn it, where did I put it? This was why I didn't like when James left. I wasn't good at handling more than one thing at a time. I was exhausted. My stomach hurt. It felt like I was holding a bag of concrete in my arms. And I couldn't find my fucking keycard. I knew it was just my hormones that made me start crying. I wasn't even sure why I had agreed to spend the night in the hotel. All I wanted to do was curl up on James' side of the bed at home and breathe in his smell. I was always a mess when he wasn't around.

  The sound of a door opening and laughter made me turn my head in the opposite direction. I'd recognize Tyler's laugh anywhere. I didn't want anyone to see me in my current state, whether I knew them or not. Come on, you stupid keycard.

  "Penny? Are you okay?"

  I could smell the alcohol on him. But his appearance was evidence enough that he was drunk. His tie was hanging loosely around his neck. Half the buttons were undone from his dress shirt and his tuxedo jacket had long ago been abandoned downstairs in the ballroom. He was holding an ice bucket in one hand and was awkwardly trying to button his shirt back up with the other.

  I turned away. "Yeah, I'm just trying to find my keycard. Goodnight, Tyler."

  "Let me help you," he said and reached for Scarlett.

  The relief of having her weight off of me made me sigh.

  "You're not really supposed to be lifting anything, are you?"

  "No, not really, but she's not that heavy." Now that I could actually see into my purse better, I was easily able to find the keycard. "Found it." I lifted it up and smiled at Tyler. "Thanks." I put my arm out for Scarlett, but he kept her on his hip.

  "I'll put her down for you." He nodded to the door.

  "Oh, that's not necessary. I can do it."

  "You're not really supposed to be lifting anything," he repeated.

  I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

  "Fine." I put my keycard in the door and it beeped open.

  Tyler followed me in, hitting the lights as he made his way through the room. He set his ice bucket on the nightstand and easily pushed back the sheets while still balancing Scarlett in his arms. He gently laid her down and pulled the covers up, tucking them under her chin.

  I leaned against the wall as I stared at them.

  He pushed her hair off her face. "She looks just like you."

  "She has James' eyes."

  Tyler nodded and looked up at me. The smile seemed to evaporate from his face. "Have you been crying?"

  I quickly shook my head. "No. I'm just tired."

  "Why do you like to pretend that I can't tell when you're lying?"

  I didn't know what to say. That I missed James desperately? That my baby wouldn't stop kicking me? That I was worried a snake was going to kill me in my sleep?

  "Okay, you don't have to tell me." He pulled the covers off of Scarlett and lifted her back in his arms. "But you don't have to sit here moping all night." He grabbed the ice bucket off the nightstand and walked past me.

  "Where are you going?"

  "To get ice. And then all three of us are going to go watch a movie."

  "Tyler, I'm not going to interrupt your night with Hailey." I tried to grab Scarlett, but he shifted her away from me.

  "You're not. We were renting a movie to watch with Axel. Unlike Scarlett, the kid is completely wired. I think he got more cake when we weren't looking."

  I laughed. "I don't want to ruin your night."

  He started walking backwards. "When have you ever ruined my night?"

  "Oh, I don't know. Maybe that time I kneed you in the junk?"

  He laughed. "I'm pretty sure I deserved that one. You coming or not?" He somehow managed to open the door even though his hands were full.

  I looked back at the empty bed. He was right. I didn't want to spend the night alone. I followed him out of the door and grabbed the ice bucket out of his hand. "I can at least get the ice for you." We had passed it on the way to our room.

  "You really don't want to talk about what's wrong?" Tyler asked.

  He was a good designated uncle. He was a great dad. But none of that surprised me. Tyler was good at everything he did. "Does Axel ever say anything that scares you?"

  "What do you mean? Like how he wants to grow up and be a football player? Because I have issues with that. I'm pretty sure their concussion protocol scares every parent now."

  I laughed and tried to let my thoughts disappear with the churning of the ice machine. I picked up the full ice bucket. "You're right. You shouldn't let him be a football player."

  Tyler grabbed the ice bucket from me.

  "I can carry a little ice," I said.

  "You can do anything. But it doesn'
t mean you should." He smiled at me.

  We were quiet the rest of the way back to his room. I was pretty sure he was waiting for me to tell him what Scarlett said that scared me. But I didn't feel like talking about it. A movie to distract me actually sounded kind of perfect.

  "Scar!" Axel yelled when we entered the room.

  Scarlett immediately opened her eyes. She looked over Tyler's shoulder at me. "Slumber party?" she asked and yawned.

  I nodded.

  Tyler set her down on their king-sized bed and she plopped herself next to Axel in the middle. Tyler walked to the other side of the bed and climbed over Hailey to the empty spot that he had apparently abandoned on his ice expedition. He put his arm around Hailey's shoulders. "What are we watching?"

  "We agreed on Trolls," Hailey said. "Does that sound alright, girls?" She reached over and tickled Scarlett.

  I smiled and sat down in the chair in the corner. "That sounds great."

  "Mhm," Scar said. "But, Mommy, you sit here." She patted the bed beside her.

  "Oh, no. I'm okay right here."

  "That chair is like a rock," Hailey said. "Get up here, Penny!"

  I laughed. It really was uncomfortable. I was so glad that Hails wasn't mad at me anymore. "Okay." I climbed up on the bed beside my daughter. I thought she might snuggle up next to me, but instead she put her head on Axel's shoulder, mimicking the way that Hailey and Tyler were sitting.

  I had walked into this room knowing I'd feel like the third wheel to Hailey and Tyler. But I didn't expect to feel like the fifth wheel.

  ***

  "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Tyler asked.

  I glanced over at him. Everyone seemed to be asleep but us. Somehow watching trolls singing on the screen had calmed me down. And Tyler had always been good at listening to me.

  "Scar said a snake was going to get me," I said. "And that she was worried about James not being a good dad when I was gone."

  "Well, that's not creepy at all." Tyler smiled. "Sometimes Axel says weird stuff, but it's usually from something he heard."

  "We let her watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. You know, the one with that huge snake? She started saying it after that."