The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  The nurse looked up at us. "She's in surgery. As soon as she's out, a doctor will come to talk to you. It shouldn't be much longer."

  "I need to talk to someone now," I said.

  "I'm sorry, sir, that's just not possible."

  I glanced to my right where there was a door marked hospital personnel only. I started walking toward it.

  "Sir!" she called after me. "Sir, you can't go back there!"

  I pushed open the doors, ignoring her. "Penny!" I called at the top of my lungs. "Penny!" It felt like I couldn't breathe.

  An orderly rushed out of a door down the hall. "You're not allowed in here," he said as he hurried toward me.

  "Penny!" I yelled again. I turned my head toward one of the glass partitions. Not her. I kept walking.

  "You really can't be back here," the orderly said and grabbed my shoulder.

  I pushed him off of me.

  "Penny!" The desperation in my voice made me feel crazy. Was I losing my mind? Was any of this really happening?

  The orderly tugged on my arm and I shoved him again.

  I needed to find her. I needed to see that she was okay.

  "We need security up here," he said into a walkie talkie. "Now."

  And that's when I saw her. I was looking through a glass, like I was watching something that couldn't possibly be happening. Her face was pale. There was a tube down her throat. She no longer looked like my wife. She looked empty. Like a shell of who she once was. I put my hand against the glass partition. "Baby." And a piece of me died.

  Chapter 35

  Monday

  "Get off of me!" I yelled as the security guards pulled me back through the doors. "She needs me! My wife needs me." I tried to fight them off.

  "Daddy!"

  I stopped fighting when I saw my daughter running toward me. And I fell to my knees. Because the sight of her pained me. Her mouth. Her nose. Her hair. They weren't hers. They were her mother's. She was a living, breathing mini-replica of my wife. I closed my eyes as she launched herself into my arms. I tried to hold back my tears.

  "Daddy, the snake came. You weren't here, and the snake came for Mommy."

  She didn't understand what was happening. But she was right about one thing. This was all my fault.

  "Daddy, is Mommy okay?" she asked.

  I buried my face in her hair. How was I supposed to answer her? How was I supposed to look at her? How was I supposed to console her when I couldn't even look at her? "She's okay, pumpkin," I said into her hair and held her tighter. "She's going to be fine," I lied.

  "I want Mommy."

  Me too. God, me too. The image of Penny's pale face seared through my mind. It was haunting.

  "Sir, you need to come with us," one of the security guards said.

  "He's not going to go through the doors again," my father said.

  An argument pursued, but I blocked it out.

  "Daddy, I want Mommy," Scarlett mumbled into my neck.

  "I know, pumpkin." I tried to keep my voice even. "But we have to wait a little bit."

  "No, I want Mommy."

  Her words made the reality settle around me. What if she never got to see her mother again? What if I never got to? Scarlett no longer felt comforting in my arms. She felt heavy. Suddenly she seemed more like a burden than a blessing. Why couldn't I look at her? The side of my face twitched again.

  "He needs a wristband if he's staying," the security guard said. "It'll just take a minute, but he needs to come with me."

  I couldn't keep holding Scarlett. I couldn't keep pretending I knew how to comfort her when my world was dark. I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "I need you to go sit with Ellen, okay?"

  "No." She gripped me tighter.

  "Dad, can you take her?" I asked.

  "Of course." My father reached down and lifted her out of my arms.

  "No! Daddy!" she screamed and started crying.

  I turned away without looking at her.

  "Daddy!" she cried as I quickly followed the security guard out of the waiting room.

  I usually couldn't stand to hear her cry. I doted on her all the time. I spoiled her, just like Penny said. But right now, I could barely hear her cries. They sounded muffled. And I was very aware of the fact that it felt like the world was becoming blurry. My chest hurt when I took a breath. Penny always made it easy to breathe.

  I winced at Scarlett screaming for me, but I didn't turn back. I needed a minute. I just needed one fucking minute.

  ***

  I blinked as a hospital bracelet was fastened to my wrist. I stared at the man who was warning me I wouldn't get another chance. But I didn't seem to be able to process his words.

  "You can go now," he said, irritably, like it wasn't the first time he had spoken the words.

  I slowly walked back toward the stairs. Everything felt methodical. Like I wasn't really there. Like it wasn't real. But then I took a deep breath before I pushed through the doors back into the waiting room. And suddenly it felt real. It felt like I'd never get to see Penny again.

  I dropped my hands from the door, sat down on the stairs, and I cried. I cried because I had a beautiful daughter. I had family. I had friends. But I wanted none of it. I'd trade it all for one more moment with Penny. One more kiss. One more fucking breath.

  Because, God, I couldn't breathe. I put my hand on the side of my face, trying to stop the twitching. How was I supposed to breathe without her?

  Chapter 36

  Monday

  My hands were shaking as I splashed water on my face. I gripped the sides of the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was whole when I left for London. But there was a broken man staring back at me now. I knew what this looked like. I was all too familiar with it.

  It had always been my fear. The darkest one. The one I didn't know how to let go of. The one that no amount of goodness could erase. I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't see the twitch of my eye. Because the truth was, my supply had just run out. And I needed a fix. I needed to kiss her lips. I needed to smell her hair. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I gripped the sink even harder. Penny had always been my drug. Taste. Touch. Smell. Sight. Sound. She was everything. Without her, I had nothing left.

  I kept my eyes closed as the restroom door opened.

  "Where were you?" Rob asked.

  I didn't say anything. Where was I? Where had I been when my wife was dying? In the air? At a meeting? How long had she been in surgery? How long had I been standing in this fucking bathroom, hiding from the world?

  "She needed you," Rob said and shoved my shoulder.

  I didn't move, I was gripping the sink so tight.

  "You were in London screwing some random girl when your wife was seven months pregnant with your child." He grabbed the back of my shirt, pulling me away from the mirrors. "Fuck you." He pushed me, slamming my lower back against the sink.

  It was the first thing I had felt besides my twitch in too long. Fire. I used to love getting into fights when I was young. When I had nothing to lose. The feeling of my knuckles against someone's jaw was thrilling. I tried to shake away the thought. This wasn't some random guy in a bar. This was my brother. I tried to focus on what he had just said. Screwing some random girl? "What the hell are you even talking about?"

  He shoved my chest. "You fucking prick."

  Fire.

  "I lied to her for you. That's the last thing I'll ever say to her. Covering for your cheating ass."

  Fire. I clenched my hand into a fist. "I didn't cheat on Penny."

  "This happened right after she saw pictures of you with some slut. This is your fault."

  Crack. That sound. The one of bone hitting flesh. My fist against his jaw. That was the sound I had always loved so much. Fire.

  Rob put his hand on his jaw where I had punched him. He shook his head. "I wanted to kick your ass anyway," he said. He launched himself at me, knocking us both to the floor.

  I tasted blood in my mouth as Rob's
fisted landed against the side of my face. And I felt something besides the twitch. Bone against flesh. Blood. My heart started beating again for just a second as I unsuccessfully tried to break my brother's nose.

  He punched me again, knocking my head back against the cold tile floor. And a strangled sob escaped my throat. Not because it hurt. But because I imagined Penny's skin being as cold as that disgusting floor beneath me. Like ice. She was so pale. The fire I had felt had evaporated as quickly as it had come. And all I could feel was pain. My chest ached. I couldn't breathe.

  "Jesus." Rob climbed off of me.

  The only noise in the room was the stifled sound of me holding back my sobs.

  Rob wiped the blood dribbling down his chin with the back of his hand. "You cheated on her," he said. "How could you?"

  "I don't know what you're talking about. I love my wife." The word "wife" sounded as broken as I felt. Please, baby. Please still be breathing. I pulled myself to a seated position.

  "Then what the hell were you doing with that side-piece in London?!" He took a step toward me, but stopped. I stared at his hands forming into fists. He was showing restraint. But I wished he wouldn't. I wanted to feel the pain of his fist against my jaw again. It was better than the numbness. It was better than craving something that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to have again.

  "I wanted to surprise her." I shook my head, realizing how dumb it was now. "I got her a publishing deal." It was all empty. I was in London for something Penny didn't want. At least, she didn't want it from me. I should have fucking been here.

  Rob wiped his hand off on his jeans, which were already covered in blood. I couldn't stop staring at the red stains on his clothes. Penny's blood. I should have been holding my wife instead of a contract that meant nothing. She needed me.

  "Who was the woman?" Rob asked.

  I stared at him blankly. And then shook my head, trying to think of anything but the blood. "A literary agent." I finally realized the extent of what my brother was saying. "Penny thought I was cheating on her?" It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

  "What would you think if you were in her shoes?"

  "I just wanted to surprise her. I wanted her to feel..." I let my voice trail off. What? Happy? Her frowns killed me. I didn't understand why she needed more than what I could give her, why she felt unfulfilled in our lives. Because the truth was, I'd still be happy if I stopped teaching. As long as I had her, I didn't need anything else. So why wasn't I fucking enough for her? I took a deep breath, but it didn't feel like anything filled my lungs.

  "Worthy of you instead of just lucky," Rob said.

  "What?"

  "That's what Penny wanted. She thought writing a book and making a name for herself would make her worthy of you. Instead of just lucky that you chose her. That's why she wanted it. That's why she didn't want your help with it."

  "Did she tell you that?"

  "She didn't have to, man." He sat down on the floor next to me.

  "I fucked everything up. I don't know what I was thinking."

  "You were thinking you wanted to make her happy. It's not like that's some fatal flaw. But yeah...it looked bad. I may have been projecting though."

  I looked up at him.

  "She started throwing up after I brought her ice cream. Then she started bleeding." He looked down at the floor. "All of this is actually my fault."

  I shook my head. "No, I'll tell you whose fucking fault it is. Her last OB-GYN who didn't tell us about her heart condition in the first place. I need to go talk to my lawyer."

  "I don't know if this had anything to do with her heart. She was having stomach pains."

  "It has everything to do with it." I slowly stood up. "I'll be back."

  "You can't leave. Scar won't stop crying. She needs you."

  "I can't..." I shook my head. "I can't look at her right now." I walked over to the door.

  "Penny needs you here. You have a kid that needs you. And any minute now, you'll have another one. The lawsuit can wait. You need to be here."

  I pushed open the door.

  "Penny never left your hospital bed after you got shot," he said to my back. "Never."

  "That's the thing, Rob. I was never worthy of Penny, not the other way around." The door closed behind me with a thud. If Rob was expecting me to feel guilty, that wasn't going to work. I couldn't feel anything but the numbness creeping into my bones.

  Chapter 37

  Monday

  "He withheld information!" I slammed my fist down on the desk.

  The man sitting across the desk from me jumped. A small man. One I had talked to only a few times. One that hadn't earned my trust yet. Not that any lawyer could. Not after the one I had trusted ended up being in bed with Isabella. I stared at him, pleased that he quavered under my gaze.

  "James," he said in a voice that didn't demand an ounce of respect. "We don't know if that's what caused the incident. Malpractice isn't a petty lawsuit. You'll ruin his reputation. We'll need more proof."

  I cringed at the word incident. Why did everyone keep saying that? It diminished the situation. This wasn't just some random event. This was my whole fucking life. I wanted to reach across the desk and wrap my hands around his throat.

  "Penny called me this morning," he continued. "She wanted to deliver her will to the office. Well, an amendment to the will you had made for her. But I didn't have any appointments open until this afternoon. She was supposed to come in right around now, actually."

  The side of my face twitched. I looked away so he couldn't see it. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

  "She said she wanted to add to it. But based on that phone call, is there any possibility at all that this could have been planned?"

  I turned back toward him and leaned forward. "My pregnant wife bleeding out in the back seat of a car? You think that was planned?"

  "Signs of suicide..."

  I stood up. The chair squeaked behind me against the wooden floorboards. "You don't know my wife. You know nothing about us. So I'll forgive you this once. But if the next words out of your mouth aren't, 'I'm filing the suit,' then you're fired."

  "James." He sounded exasperated. "Why else would she want to update her will hours before this happened? I understand that suicide isn't..."

  "Stop saying suicide." I slammed my fist against his desk again.

  He flinched, but I found no joy in it.

  "We have a daughter. She was pregnant with our second child." She has me. "She didn't try to kill herself. You'll be hearing from my new lawyer about this slander."

  "No lawsuit is going to fix this, James. Go be with your family in their time of need."

  "Their need?" My voice cracked. I walked over to the door so I wouldn't strangle him. "It's my need. She's my wife." She's my everything. "Go fuck yourself." I slammed the door to his office as I walked out.

  The receptionist looked up at me. "Mr. Hunter," she said, "your brother has called for you several times..."

  But I was already out the door. The city air was stale. Their need? It felt like my heart was slamming against my ribcage. My eyes landed on a bar down the street.

  I felt the familiar twitch, and immediately turned away from it. Alcohol wasn't going to fix this. Nothing could fill this void. I put my hands on my knees. Fuck, I couldn't breathe.

  A car screeched to a halt in front of me.

  "Jesus, there you are," my dad said as he stepped out. "Get in the car, James."

  I shook my head, my hands still on my knees. "I can't."

  "Penny's parents just arrived at the hospital. How do you think that looks? You not being there?"

  "I don't care how it looks." I stood up, my eyes wandering back to the bar. Twitch.

  "I didn't raise you..."

  "You didn't raise me at all!" My blood was boiling. I was slowly slipping into the darkness. "You don't get to suddenly show up in my life and pretend you've been a father to me for the past thirty years. You're a fucking hypocrite."
>
  "You're hurting. I understand that," he said through a clenched jaw. "But this isn't about me being a shitty dad. This is about you being one."

  I laughed and ran my hands through my hair. "Give me a break. I'm nothing like you."

  "Your daughter is terrified. She needs you to comfort her."

  "She's fine. Rob's there. Ellen's there."

  "She needs you, James! What don't you understand about that?"

  I shook my head.

  "Get in the car."

  "I can't." I looked longingly at the bar down the street.

  "You have to."

  "I can't! I can't look at her. She's the spitting image of Penny. I can't." The sob in my throat escaped. I put the back of my hand against my mouth, trying to hide the pain on my face.

  And my dad did something I don't remember him ever doing. He hugged me. And then I did something I don't think I had ever done. I cried on my dad's shoulder.

  "What if I lose her, Dad?"

  "Then you'll grieve for however long it takes. But then you keep living this life that you two created together. Because you have a family now. It's more than just you and your feelings."

  I shook my head. "You don't understand. I'm not...I can't do it without her. How am I supposed to raise a kid without her?"

  "Kids."

  "What?" I lifted my head off his shoulder.

  "You have a son, James."

  A son. That was supposed to be exciting news. It was exactly what Penny wanted. I wanted to smile. I wanted to be happy. But the corners of my lips wouldn't rise.

  Chapter 38

  Monday

  We used a different entrance to the hospital to avoid the waiting room full of people I couldn't face. I followed my dad through the maternity ward full of crying babies, until we stopped in front of a window.

  I peered into the room. It wasn't like where Scarlett had been kept. She had been healthy, born a week after her due date. These were tiny babies hooked up to tubes and wires. They were all so small. One of them was mine. But I still couldn't feel anything. I looked up at the sign above the window. Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. These newborns were sick. They were dying, just like my wife. Twitch.