The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. And even though it feels like the world has stopped, it hasn't. Because despite what you think, there is so much light in this world. There's so much light in you.

  Remind Scarlett that I love her. Tell our son I wished I could have met him. And find a new love for yourself. You've always been stronger than you realized. But it's okay to lean on your family and friends. Let them help you. Let them in. Don't shut out everyone who cares about you. Because despite how it feels, you are not alone. You're strong. You're good. You're whole. You're loved. You are so loved, James.

  Now smile,

  Penny

  I couldn't breathe. Smile? Are you fucking kidding me? I crumpled the piece of paper in my fist.

  I hated that it felt like tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. How dare she compare this to what happened to me? How dare she pretend to understand what I was feeling? I got shot. That was an accident. She did this on purpose. This letter put all the pieces together. Suicide. Intentional. I stood up and shoved the piece of crumpled paper into my pocket.

  My wife had tried to kill herself. I didn't know if she had succeeded. I didn't know what the lab tests would show. Organ failure? Would they ask me to pull the plug?

  Twitch.

  Why would she fucking do this? My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and put it up to my ear. "What?" I said as I walked out into the hall.

  "I pulled the footage," Porter said. "I'm emailing it to your computer now."

  I walked out into the hall, closing the door to Penny's office. I was furious with her. But I wanted to preserve the room. Her smell. Our memories. "Don't bother." I clenched my jaw.

  "But it's all ready."

  "I'm not going to sit here and watch my wife kill herself." There was no reason to hide the truth from him now. He hadn't poisoned Penny. She took her own life.

  There was a pause on the other end. "What are you talking about?"

  "Penny poisoned herself. There were traces of it in her bloodstream and in her stomach. I'm not going to watch the video footage leading up to her decision to take her own life. Delete the footage from the past two days. I don't want to ever see it."

  "Mr. Hunter, Penny wasn't suicidal. And you use all organic products. There isn't even any poison in the house, she couldn't..." his voice trailed off.

  I stepped into the foyer. "What were you going to say?"

  "Exterminators were here this morning. Penny was worried about the snakes that Scarlett kept mentioning. They didn't find anything. But they had brought all their equipment in. " He let his sentence hang in the air between us.

  "Is there poison in pesticide?" I asked. But I already knew the answer. Of course there was.

  "I'm not sure." There was a brief pause and the sound of computer keys typing. "Yes. There are several different poisons in pesticides."

  "Destroy the footage."

  "But shouldn't I look to see if..."

  "No one knows about this but us. Scarlett will never know that her mother tried to take her own life. My family and friends will never hear about this. Not even the other members of the security team. Do you understand?"

  "Yes."

  I hung up and slid my cell phone back into my pocket. My fingers brushed across the crumpled piece of paper. Smile? Seriously? Fuck you too, Penny.

  Chapter 40

  Monday

  I pointed to my glass and the bartender topped me off.

  One drink. That's what I told myself. I stared down at my third.

  Twitch.

  Why wasn't alcohol helping? This was the only way I knew how to cope. This was the only way I knew how to numb the pain. But my body was betraying me.

  I pulled the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket and smoothed it out against the bar. She wanted me to forget about her. Was that because she thought I already had? I pushed my hair off my forehead. Where had we gone wrong?

  No, I wasn't a perfect husband. But I tried. I kept my vows to her. I loved her more each day. Hadn't I told her that? Sometimes I stayed out late with my friends. Sometimes I'd lose track of time grading papers and miss dinner.

  But most days? Most days I was there with her. Loving her. Cherishing her.

  I read the words she had written again. Suddenly my anger was gone. I didn't know where I went wrong, but I knew it was my fault. I knew she had tried to take her life because of me. Whether it was because she thought I was cheating or something else. I had let her down. She wouldn't have done it otherwise. She loved our daughter. She loved our family and friends. But she didn't always love me. We fought. I made her cry too many times to count. I had somehow broken my perfect wife.

  Baby, you need to come back to me. Let me try harder. Give me another chance.

  I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Porter. "If you haven't deleted it yet, find when she did it. I need to see it." I pressed send and downed my third glass.

  It wasn't the same feeling that Penny gave me. She made me feel alive. The burn of alcohol down my throat made me feel like I was barely holding on. I put some bills down on the bar and made my way back outside.

  The sign for the hospital was in the distance, glowing now that dusk was upon the city. I was hiding. The note burning a hole in my pocket told me exactly what I needed to do. Penny was worried I'd be a bad father if she died. It was my biggest fear too. Whether she knew it or not, she had validated it. She was fucking right. I had a son that I didn't want to hold. I had a daughter that wouldn't stop crying. And all I wanted to do was head back into the bar.

  I willed my feet to take me back to the hospital. Through the other entrance. Up the stairs to the NICU. I stared at my son through the window.

  A neonatal nurse was inside, checking something on one of the machines my son was hooked up to. She looked up at me and then walked to the door. "Do you want to hold him?" she asked as she peered her head out.

  I immediately shook my head.

  She stepped out and walked over to me. "He's going to make it. He's strong."

  My throat felt dry.

  "What's his name?"

  "My wife liked the name Liam." Why did I say "liked" instead of "likes"?

  "Ah. Strong-willed warrior."

  I turned toward her. "What?"

  "I hear so many names. I started looking up all their meanings. That's a good name for him. Because he has to be strong to get through this. Are you sure you don't want to hold him?"

  I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm sure."

  "Do you have any other kids?"

  I wasn't sure why she was pretending she didn't know who I was. She knew which son was mine. She clearly recognized me from tabloids. "A little girl. Scarlett."

  "The one with the red hair?"

  I smiled. "That's the one."

  "She's very cute. She's already been in to see him. Some older siblings don't realize how gentle they need to be with a newborn. But she was very good at holding him."

  My daughter had held him. Who else had? The question didn't matter. What mattered was the fact that I couldn't seem to make myself hold him. What happened to my wife wasn't the baby's fault. I was putting blame on him. But he was fighting for his life too.

  I stared at his dark hair. And his nose. He definitely had my nose. God, he was so small. I stepped away from the window. "Is Dr. Nelson still here? I haven't gotten the complete update on my son's condition."

  "I can page him if you want to go in the waiting room. He just finished a delivery so he'll need a few minutes."

  She didn't point out a baby as proof. Dr. Nelson had probably just delivered a healthy baby. With a mother that could hold him. With a father that wanted to. A baby that wasn't in the NICU.

  "Thank you. I'll be in the waiting room."

  "James?"

  She had finally admitted to knowing my name.

  "I'm sorry about your wife. To try to take your own life when you're pregnant...I just can't imagine what your family is going through right
now."

  My whole body turned cold. "Who told you that?"

  She opened her mouth and then closed it again. "Just...word travels around the hospital."

  "That's a lie. My wife would never do that."

  The paper in my pocket made it seem otherwise. The doctor made it seem otherwise. My lawyer made it seem otherwise.

  "Oh, I'm sorry," she stammered. "I didn't mean..." her voice trailed off.

  No one could know. No one could think less of her. Because I didn't want her memory to be tainted by this. I was angry, but I still loved her. I loved her with every fiber of my being. Please don't let anyone else know. I pushed through the doors to the waiting room. I needed to keep Penny's secret. I had to.

  Rob looked up at me as I walked in. He wasn't looking at me like he hated at me. He was looking at me like he knew.

  I stood frozen in the waiting room.

  They all knew.

  There was no running from this. I sat down in an empty seat and closed my eyes. I was going to follow Penny's instructions. I was going to be a good father. And that meant waiting here for a few minutes so I could talk to her OB-GYN. To find out what was wrong with my son.

  "The night of Bee's wedding I found her crying outside her hotel room," Tyler said.

  I opened my eyes and looked up at Tyler.

  He sat down next to me. "I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I should have pressed it. I should have..."

  "Stop."

  Tyler shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "I didn't know that she was struggling. I just thought she missed you. I should have..." his voice trailed off but he kept staring at the ceiling. "I thought I could read her. But this? Why the hell would she do this?"

  I didn't have anything to say.

  "Look, I know the only reason we became friends was through Penny," said Tyler. "But you need to know that I think of you as a brother. I love your daughter like she's my own. If you need anything..."

  "I just need her to wake up." My back stiffened when he hugged me.

  I was pretty sure the only physical contact Tyler and I had ever had were handshakes and fists to the face. I awkwardly patted his back in return and then pulled away.

  "Do you want me to take Scar for the night?" he asked. "I'm sure Axel would be able to help calm her down."

  "No. I'm going to take her home in a few minutes. I'm just waiting to talk to the OB-GYN."

  Tyler nodded. "I should get home too. Hailey still doesn't know. I can't believe this happened."

  He stood up. I had nothing left to say. I couldn't believe it either. I watched him walk out of the waiting room. And a part of me wondered if he felt lucky. That he hadn't won Penny over. That he ended up with Hails instead. Hails was always smiling. Hails was still breathing on her own. Hails was still happy.

  Dr. Nelson walked into the waiting room. His lips were pressed together, like he was dreading this conversation. "James," he said as he approached me and stuck out his hand.

  I stood up and shook it. "My father told me that the baby already had a blood transfusion. Is he doing alright now?"

  "Can we sit down?" he asked and nodded down at the chairs.

  "Of course."

  "It's been a long day for both of us." He sighed and sat down next to me. "We'll probably need to do another blood transfusion. It's common for preemies to have anemia. It's nothing to be too alarmed about. And his lungs are well developed for his size. We should be able to take him off the CPAP in several weeks."

  "Several weeks? How long will he need to be in there?"

  "It's standard to keep preemies in the NICU until their original due date. So about two months."

  "Two months?" I hadn't realized how bad the situation really was. I thought I'd be taking him home soon. Alone. "Is there a possibility that he won't make it?"

  "I'm not really a man of chance, James. I practice precision in everything I do."

  "That doesn't answer my question."

  "Eighty percent of babies born at 26 weeks live. The greater question is will he have a learning or developmental impairment. Because even though he will most likely live, eighty percent of the babies that do will have some sort developmental or physical problem in their lives."

  I was familiar with the 80-20 principle in business. But I didn't like those odds for my son. That meant there was only a sixteen percent chance that he'd be healthy. Normal. Fuck.

  "Even though we never want to see babies at 26 weeks out of the womb, he is technically a healthy weight for his size. So, that's a good sign. But with all the blood loss that Penny suffered, along with the poison she consumed, it does put your son at greater risks for more severe problems."

  My dad hadn't mentioned any of this. Had Dr. Nelson told him? Or was he just adding more weight to my shoulders? "You said you're not a man of chance. So tell me. Do you think he'll be able to have a normal life?"

  "No. I strongly doubt that he will."

  Twitch.

  I leaned back in my chair and sighed. The sounds of the hospital seemed to dull. It was like I could hear my heart beating. Why couldn't it beat for my wife? For my son? "I need some rest."

  "Of course," Dr. Nelson said and stood up. "We'll be monitoring the baby's vitals constantly. He's in good hands here. I'll keep a special eye on him. And I'll keep checking on your wife as well."

  I nodded my head. "Thank you." I stood up too.

  "I'm sorry about Penny," he said and placed his hand on my shoulder. "Sometimes these things are impossible to predict. I know I don't specialize in mental health, but I do apologize for not pressing the issue of her mood. When she kept wanting attention for a minor heart problem, I should have seen it as a sign." He shook his head.

  I stared at him like he was an alien. Wanting attention for a minor heart problem? Was that a sign? To me it was a sign that she was scared of dying. Not that she wanted it.

  "We're all hoping she and your son will pull through. But..." his voice trailed off. "No, never mind, you should go get some rest. I'm keeping you up."

  "What were you going to say?" I asked.

  "It can wait till another time. I don't want to add to this terrible day."

  "Nothing you could say right now would be shocking, Dr. Nelson."

  He nodded his head. "I know that we're still waiting for tests to come back. But the root cause of all of this goes back to her heart murmur. She was very worried about her diagnosis. It caused her extra stress. I'm not saying that's why she poisoned herself, but it is a possibility to consider. Her last OB-GYN was negligent. If you're filing a lawsuit, I'd be happy to testify on your behalf."

  He was right. And it was exactly what I needed to hear after my pointless meeting with my lawyer. Someone was going to pay for this. "Her last OB-GYN is an old friend of yours. Dr. Jones. Are you sure you'd be willing to be a witness?"

  "Like I said before, James, I'm not a man of chance. Dr. Jones took a chance by not telling you about Penny's heart murmur. And as a fellow doctor, I can't uphold that decision. He was in the wrong. And even if he is done practicing medicine, he has a whole practice that was trained by him. We don't want something like this to happen again because of his negligence."

  "Thank you," I said and stuck my hand out to him. "I needed someone on my side in this suit."

  Dr. Nelson accepted my outstretched hand.

  "Goodnight, doctor."

  "Goodnight, James." He walked over to Penny's mom who had waved him down. Did she know that her grandson was going to have mental or physical issues? Was she learning about it now?

  I needed to get out of here. I needed to be in my bed, with my face buried in Penny's pillow. I needed just a tiny bit of strength. My eyes wandered around the waiting room, looking for Scarlett. I almost started to panic, but then I spotted her, cowering behind a chair. She looked truly frightened.

  And in that moment, it didn't matter that she looked just like Penny. If anything, it made me want to comfort her even more. I walked ov
er to her and crouched down.

  "Daddy." Her voice trembled slightly as she ran into my arms.

  "Pumpkin, what's wrong?"

  "He's a bad snake."

  The hairs on the back of my neck rose. "What did you say, Scar?"

  "Mr. Snake. From the movie." She pointed at Dr. Nelson.

  I frowned as I turned around to look at Dr. Nelson. His hair was gray and always slightly long and disheveled looking. It almost looked greasy. He always wore the same color scrubs - black. It was a bit odd, since the rest of the doctors and nurses roaming about predominately wore light color tones of green, pink, and blue. But there was nothing snakelike about the man.

  "Pumpkin, there are no evil snakes."

  "Yes there are. He's evil snake. I want Mommy."

  The side of my face twitched.

  Scarlett buried her face in my neck. "Please, Daddy."

  "We'll see her tomorrow, okay?" Tomorrow I'd be stronger. Tomorrow I'd sit with my wife. I'd hold her hand and will her to come back to us. I'd promise to be better.

  "Can we at least hold baby before we go?"

  I needed to do it. What if he died in the middle of the night? I'd regret not holding him my whole life. "Okay, let's go say goodnight to your brother."

  "I thought I was getting a sister. But I like him."

  "You and me both."

  She ducked her head under my chin as if she was frightened again. I turned around to see Dr. Nelson staring at us. I waved before pushing through the doors.

  Chapter 41

  Monday

  "She's good with him," Daphne said as she stepped up beside me at the window.

  I stared at Scarlett gently holding my son in her arms. She was being careful not to touch any of the cords that helped him live. The nurse from earlier was helping her properly distribute the weight.

  "I thought she might be jealous," I said. Or maybe I had been worried I would be. When Scarlett was born, I had been apprehensive. I liked having Penny's attention all to myself. But the transition with Scarlett was effortless. We both loved her. At least, I thought Penny loved her.