The Light to My Darkness

by Ivy Smoak

  "James," Daphne said and waited until I turned to her. "It's not true."

  "What?"

  "Everything the doctor said. I know it isn't true. Penny would never try to kill herself."

  "She wrote me a letter and wanted to add it to her will this morning. My lawyer brought up the possibility of suicide with only that information. And the doctor brought it up with just the poison. He didn't even know about the letter." I pulled it out of my pocket and handed it to her.

  She quickly scanned the note. "James, she was scared because of her heart murmur. She wrote this in fear. Not in decisiveness."

  "Daphne, there were exterminators at our house this morning. She had access to poison."

  "I don't care about the poison. Or some letter." She put it back in my hands. "James, she didn't do this."

  "That's what I thought at first too, but, Daphne, everything is pointing to that fact. How can you be so sure that she didn't want to die?" I truly wanted to know. Because I no longer knew what to believe. I loved my wife fiercely. And I was having trouble understanding why she didn't love me the same way.

  "Because I know what it looks like. I know the signs. My brother..." she paused, her bottom lip trembling. "I beat myself up for not seeing that. But I know the signs now. And Penny was not depressed. She couldn't wait to give birth to her son. She couldn't wait for you to come back from London. She was fighting the news about her heart condition with strength, not fear. She was full of life and laughter and..."

  "She thought I cheated on her, okay? Is that what you need to hear? She thought I didn't love her." I was raising my voice.

  Daphne grabbed my hand. "Rob was with her when she thought that. There was no lapse of time where she could have ran off and guzzled poison, James. Your lawyer is wrong. The doctors are wrong. Everyone is just...wrong."

  "But what if they're not?"

  She shook her head. "What if they are? James, I know Penny. We share everything. She's my best friend. And she would never, ever do this. We both feel so lucky in our relationships. Not repressed or scared or upset. Lucky. She would never willingly leave this world. And you know that. I know you do."

  I blinked away my tears.

  "You know that." She squeezed my hand.

  "Can you ask Rob to look into it? I'm tired and..."

  "Drunk."

  I stared at her. "I had a few drinks. I'm not drunk."

  "You can go home and sleep it off. After you meet your son."

  Scarlett had just come out.

  "Aunt Daphne, isn't he the most beautiful baby?" she said and climbed into Daphne's arms.

  "Yes, he is." Daphne smiled as she adjusted Scarlett away from her baby bump. "Go," she said to me.

  I walked over to the door and opened it. The air was warmer in the small room. The nurse was just about to put my son back down when she saw me. "Do you want to hold him?"

  He was even smaller close up. I nodded and put my arms out. He did fit in my hands. He was so light. His face scrunched up for a moment like he wanted to cry. But then his features softened.

  And for the first time since my plane landed, I smiled. I smiled down at my son. Liam. Strong-willed warrior. "I need you to be strong for your mom. Because she's being strong for us."

  I looked over to the window. Scarlett had her hand pressed against the glass, like she wished she was with us. And it felt like ice melted off my heart. My family wasn't broken. But it was breaking. Someone was trying to ruin us.

  "I'll be back," I whispered to my son. "I promise I'll be back." I reluctantly gave him back to the nurse and stepped into the hall. "Can you watch her for one more minute? I'll be right back."

  Daphne smiled and nodded, like she knew where I was going. But where else would I be fucking going? My wife was in the hospital. And it was about time I stopped doubting her. Right now she needed me. I wasn't going to let her down twice.

  ***

  "Baby, you won the bet," I said, stroking my thumb along her palm. "It's a boy." I didn't know who else had visited her. I didn't know if she could hear me. "You won, but I'm the one that needs a wish. I need you to come back to me." I reached up and pushed her bangs off her forehead, trying not to cringe at the coolness of her skin. "Do you hear me, Penny? I need you. Scar needs you. Liam needs you."

  I smiled at hearing his name out loud. "You were right. I wanted a son. But I was scared that I'd ruin him. I was scared he'd be too much like me." I looked down at the tube sticking out of her mouth. I wanted her to smile. I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be okay. "I read your letter." I put my other hand on top of hers, sandwiching her small hand between mine, trying to warm her skin. "And I'm going to deny your request."

  I could imagine her pouting.

  "I'm going to be a terrible father from here on out. I'm going to ruin our son. I'm going to get high every night. I'm never going to smile. And I'm going to pine over you. Do you hear me?"

  I imagined a line of worry appearing on her forehead.

  "So you better wake up. Because our family's future depends on you. It always has. I know you want to wake up. Now you have an even better reason to."

  She'd probably slap me right now if she was awake. Or tell me I was impossible. Or poke me in the middle of my chest and yell at me. And that's what I wanted. I wanted her to be feisty and strong and wake the fuck up. Our family needed her. I needed her.

  "I'm going to find out what happened. I'm going to take care of it. You just focus on getting better, okay?" I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. The softness of her skin was the only thing that remained the same. "Fight for us, baby. Be as strong as I know you are."

  I stared down at her. "You know, some people say another person shouldn't complete you. That you should be whole without having to rely on another soul. That you should just be happy the way you are. Do you know what I say to that? Fuck them. I don't care if no one understands us. I don't care if something like this isn't comprehensible to the average person. Because the average person hasn't experienced this love. Our love. Our story. A great love."

  I swallowed hard. "Because I swear I can't breathe without you. I swear my heart will stop beating when yours does. And I swear I wouldn't want it any other way. So wake up. If the threat of me ruining our family isn't enough, think about that. Our children not having either of us. Not getting to experience growing up in a house full of love and laughter. Not getting to experience everything we could give them."

  I ignored the twitch of my eye.

  "I read your story and I'm sorry. I got you a publishing deal and I'm sorry. I lied to you about my trip and I'm sorry. And for five years I've believed that I'm addicted to you." I wasn't sure I would have said that if I thought she could hear me. But I needed her to know. That I had lived with that fear. "This whole time."

  I ignored the twitch of my eye again.

  "I'm not addicted to you," I lied. I needed to say it out loud, even though it wasn't true. I needed her to know I was trying to be strong too. I needed her to know that I did believe what we had was love. Even though I now had the proof that our love was infected by my problems. Even though I had always known in the back of my head. "I'm not addicted to you," I said again, more for myself than for her. "But I do love you. I love you with everything that I am. Come back to me, baby."

  My words were greeted by the whirls and beeps of machines.

  "Because this is love. Not addiction." I put my hand on the center of her chest and smiled at the feeling of her heartbeat. "You've always understood. You've always seen the truth."

  I put my forehead against hers. "You've always been the light to my darkness. And, Penny, I can't survive without your light."

  Chapter 42

  Monday

  "When is Mommy coming home?" Scarlett asked as we stepped into the apartment.

  "Soon," I said. This time it didn't feel like a lie. When I was in my coma, I swore I knew she was beside me. I couldn't remember anything specific, but I just knew. And she
'd know I was there today. She'd know that she couldn't give up. She'd hear my plea.

  I placed Scarlett down when I heard a knock on the door. "Go upstairs and get ready for bed, pumpkin," I said and ruffled her hair. "I'll be up to read you a bedtime story in a minute."

  "Can we watch a movie instead?"

  I smiled down at her. She usually fell asleep with her head on my lap when we watched movies. I understood that she didn't want to be alone tonight. "Of course. Go pick one out. I'll be there in a minute."

  She walked away. Not her usual skip. No giggle. Don't change. Please don't let today hurt you. I needed to stay strong for her. Despite what I had said to Penny, I would never. Ever. Forget that my first job in life was as a father.

  I turned around and opened the door.

  "Mr. Hunter," Porter said. "I went through the footage from the past two days. There was nothing there. She didn't do it."

  Any remaining doubt I had dissipated. "Then watch the past several weeks. If she didn't do it, that means someone poisoned her."

  "I already watched a few days back. No one's come in or out of the house." He stepped forward and dropped his voice. "Could it have been someone at the wedding?"

  "No."

  "Or Ellen?"

  I shook my head. I was done doubting my gut. "Ellen didn't do it. It isn't someone from the family. Keep watching the tapes. It has to be something you missed. During the time in between scans of the house."

  He nodded. "How far back?"

  "Until you find something."

  "I'll call you when I've found it." He closed the front door and I heard the familiar lock. Could someone really have gotten into our house? How long did it take to go from the entrance of the apartment, up the elevator, and perform a successful lock-pick? I ran my fingers through my hair. I had to be missing something.

  My phone buzzed. At first I thought it was Porter already. I eagerly answered the call.

  "James," Matt said. "How are you holding up?"

  "Not great." I looked in the other room at my daughter playing with the remote control. She had turned on the same Harry Potter movie that had scared her the other night. I was about to go stop her when Matt continued.

  "Daphne called me. She told me about the poison. I agree with her, man. Penny was happy."

  I closed my eyes. For some reason, I needed to hear that from him. If he had been hitting on her, that meant she had turned him down. If she thought I was cheating on her, would she have? It just further validated what Daphne had said. Penny didn't even suspect anything until her conversation with Rob. "Where were you today?" Most of the day was a blur, but I didn't remember seeing him at the hospital.

  "Rob was having me talk to an investigator. Look, I know you're probably exhausted. But I had a thought. Well, the investigator had a thought. I can't take the credit. What if her first OB-GYN, the retired one, didn't tell you that she had a heart murmur because it really did disappear after Scarlett was born? Apparently it usually does after a baby is delivered."

  "But it didn't. It's just gotten worse."

  "No, not necessarily," he said. "No one knows if she had one between her pregnancies. It may have actually gone away. What I'm saying is, what if someone's been poisoning her for a while? What if her heart condition is caused by it too?"

  A chill ran down my spine.

  "Yeah, but who, Matt? No one comes in or out of my apartment without my security alerting me."

  A knock on the door made me jump.

  I answered it and Matt was standing there.

  I slowly lowered my phone from my ear.

  "Not necessarily. I just snuck by them," Matt said. "Whoever did it must have hacked into the webcam of one of their computers. He must have watched them not watching the surveillance footage. Well, technically, he probably saw that they were just glancing at it every five minutes."

  I frowned and looked up at the camera mounted in the corner.

  "See. There's a chink in your armor." He closed the door behind him. "Someone could have snuck in here and poisoned her. Easily."

  I shook my head. "They'd only have a few minutes to pull it off. And if your theory is correct, they would have had to be poisoning her for a long time. Not just this once."

  "Right. So what does Penny eat a lot?"

  "Ice cream."

  Matt smiled. "Do you mind if the investigator comes up? He had some ideas of what it could be. He's waiting downstairs."

  "Yeah, of course. Bring him up." If Matt was right, it had to be something that didn't spoil. No one would risk coming in here several times. Penny's cravings had been erratic.

  "Daddy," Scarlett said and tugged on my pants leg.

  "Not now, pumpkin."

  "But, Daddy, it's the snake."

  "Scarlett, I've told you so many times. There are no evil snakes."

  "Yes there are. It's Mr. Snake." She pointed to the T.V. screen, where she was paused in the middle of the movie.

  It was paused on an image of Professor Snape.

  "Pumpkin that isn't..." my voice trailed off as I studied the image. The long greasy hair. The black robe. The actor that played Professor Snape looked uncannily like Dr. Nelson. A slightly younger version, but very similar.

  "Bad Snake." She pointed at the T.V. screen again.

  "Do you mean Professor Snape?"

  "Yes! Snapes!" She looked so excited, like she had been trying to explain this to me for weeks. "Snapes," she said and nodded. "Bad Snapes. Snapes hurt Mommy."

  "How did Snape hurt Mommy?"

  Scarlett pretended to pop something into her mouth, tilted her head back, and made a gulping noise. "For healthy baby."

  "Her pills," I said and turned around to Matt. I thought about Dr. Nelson prescribing them the first time. To take them instead of her usual prenatal vitamins. Penny had complained about being tired that day. He said they would help. Then he upped the dose once she started having chest pains. Shit.

  I ran into the kitchen and opened up the cabinet where she kept them. But they weren't there.

  "Here," Matt said and lifted them off the counter. "Oh, fuck." He picked up a note that had been sitting next to them. "Ellen accidentally sent them with you to London. Penny didn't take them all weekend. She must have taken a whole bunch last night when she got home to make up for it."

  "Let me see it," someone said from behind us. I turned around as Matt tossed him the bottle. I recognized the investigator. Rob and I had used him on other occasions. He had actually helped me get my divorce papers signed.

  He unscrewed the cap and bit one of the gel capsules in half. Then he immediately spit it out. "That's it. Taking these over time would do some serious damage."

  I recognized the pills as soon as the investigator pulled one out. I had taken them while I was in London. Really, I had thought nothing of it. I assumed Ellen had just picked up a different brand of vitamins. The side of my face twitched again. And for the first time since the plane landed, I felt relieved. It wasn't withdrawal. There was poison in my bloodstream too. I wasn't addicted to my wife. It suddenly felt like I could breathe again. I'm not addicted to her. I love her.

  "James?" Matt said, pulling me out of my stupor. "What do you want us to do?"

  "Call the police." I knelt down to Scarlett. "Scarlett, how did you know this?"

  "It was my fault." Her bottom lip trembled. "I opened the door when he knocked. Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to open doors. Even though I promised you I wouldn't. I was bad."

  "It's okay, pumpkin. You're not bad. Just tell me what happened." I put my hands on her shoulders.

  "He gave Mommy new healthy baby medicine. And said that she needed it. And he made me promise not to tell. He said he'd kill Mommy if I told. But I was scared." Tears were streaming down her cheeks. "So I told Mommy about snakes right away. But no one believed me. I tried to whisper, but I had to say it over and over and over again. He must have heard me." She pointed up to the cameras. "He said he was watching. He said it would be f
ine and that everyone would think he was the best. But I knew it wasn't going to be fine. I tried to tell you." She started crying harder, unable to speak.

  "Pumpkin." I pulled her into my arms, pressing her ear to the side of my face and covering her other one with my hand. "Get Porter to deactivate all the cameras," I said to Matt. "I need to get down to the hospital before he does something else."

  Matt was still on the phone with the police, unable to listen to my request.

  So I lifted Scarlett into my arms, ran out into the hallway, and down to the security office. I knocked on the door.

  Porter looked alarmed when he opened it. Like he hadn't seen everything that just happened. Because he probably hadn't. Because I had told him to only glance every five minutes. Because Penny felt uncomfortable with them watching us. Because I didn't want them to see the curves of her body. Or me fucking her relentlessly. What had I been thinking?

  Maybe I should have told him about the shooting pain in my left arm. Or the fact that I knew I had consumed some of the poison. But I was heading to the hospital anyway. So instead, I handed Scarlett to him. "Call the hospital. Dr. Nelson poisoned Penny. I should have seen it. He was the one that told us about the heart murmur in the first place. He made the whole thing up. He gave me the health records from her last OB-GYN. He probably fucking tampered with them!" How had I not seen any of the signs? "Him disagreeing with the doctors at the ER about Penny needing medicine for her elevated blood pressure and heart rate. His pretend sincerity for my family. Him saying he'd testify against Dr. Jones. Him pressing the fact that his rival practice was negligent. He wanted to ruin them. And what better than a public face like Penny's to do that? He was going to destroy Dr. Jones' practice with the tabloids, even without winning a lawsuit. He just wanted to be number one. And he said he was going to keep his eye on my son and Penny. I think he's planning to do something else." I winced at the pain.

  "Are you alright?" Porter asked as he pulled Scarlett against his chest. She was still crying.

  "I'm fine," I lied. "Scarlett?"