The Single Mums' Book Club

by Victoria Cooke

  ‘Steph,’ he says gently. I look into his soft eyes. ‘It isn’t your fault. Stacy, Ms Dalton, seems to have many different ways to get what she wants.’

  I open up her account and glance at the screen. There was neutering, a few vaccinations and some other treatments over the past two years. ‘It isn’t a huge amount. There’s only so much you can spend on a rabbit, but it’s enough.’

  Edward squints at the screen. ‘It’s the principle though. She lied.’

  I take a deep breath. We’re venturing into not my business territory and whatever is going on here has nothing to do with me.

  ‘Are there any other accounts like this?’ he asks.

  ‘No, as I said, there are a few people who probably need a quick call to remind them of money outstanding but that’s all.’

  ‘Okay, can you do that tomorrow?’

  I nod. ‘It’s already in hand and, moving forward, I’ll do it in the last week of each month anyway.’

  ‘Great.’ He seems distracted.

  ‘Do you want me to contact Ms Dalton?’

  Edward rakes his hands through his hair. I can tell it’s a conversation he doesn’t want to have. ‘No, I should deal with Ms Dalton.’

  ‘I actually chased her down the street.’ I laugh. ‘Most people come straight to reception when they come out of the examination room but she just walked out with her rabbit under her arm. I went after her and made out the whole thing was my mistake for forgetting to charge her. She said she doesn’t pay and then started talking about cream cakes and fun and …’ I stop talking when I notice Edward’s face flush crimson. ‘Sorry, perhaps oversharing is infectious.’

  Before I can dig my hole any deeper, the door swings open. The takeaway is here. When I look, I notice that the natural daylight has started to dim and the little lamp on the desk has taken over, its small single bulb fighting to keep things visible, offering a warm yet close glow around us. If I wasn’t doing accounts with my boss, it would be quite romantic.

  ‘I’d ordered Chinese food – a bit of everything – if that’s okay?’

  ‘Perfect,’ I say. My voice is a croak.

  Edward pays the delivery guy and heads to the kitchen for plates and cutlery as I unpack the food and lay it out on the desk. It smells amazing.

  ‘Found these.’ He holds up a six-pack of funny-named ales. ‘They were a Christmas gift from a client and I forgot to take them home. Fancy one?’

  I nod, glad of anything to take the edge off the awkward conversation. We charge our plates with food and move some paperwork aside so we have more room.

  As Edward raises a forkful of noodles to his lips, he pauses. ‘It’s complicated with Stacy.’

  My insides freeze. This has nothing to do with me and I should really say something non-intrusive that moves the subject on but I don’t because no matter how little this should concern me, I’m compelled and intrigued by Edward and frankly mystified by his attraction to Stacy. Instead, I ask, ‘How so?’

  ‘When I said she knows how to get what she wants, I wasn’t exaggerating. She has the confidence of Jordan Belfort when he’s high.’

  ‘The Wolf of Wall Street?’ I stifle a grin. She might be a bit brassy but I can’t see her swindling millions of dollars out of people through pump and dump fraud.

  ‘She’s one of those people who wants something you’re adamant you don’t want to give and somehow she ends up making you give it to her willingly.’

  Cream-cake sex springs to mind yet I’m too invested to shut this down, so I glug my beer.

  ‘So she’s manipulative,’ I say diplomatically.

  ‘Sort of, but she’s very nice about it – you don’t even realise it’s happening. Shutting her down would be like euthanising a puppy.’

  I put down my fork and twist to face him. ‘Edward, are you in a relationship with Stacy?’

  He shakes his head. ‘I don’t think so.’

  I splutter my beer. ‘How do you not know?’

  ‘She’s a very sweet, very lonely lady who has taken a bit of a shine to me.’ His eyes drop to his plate and I notice some red blotches appear on his neck. ‘She seemed really down and asked if I fancied a drink after work and I said yes. I had nothing else to do and wanted to cheer her up. She’d been bringing her rabbit in regularly with mystery illnesses that I couldn’t detect, never mind treat. I knew she just needed a friend; a bit like Mrs Pearson.’

  ‘Well, that’s very kind of you. I think.’

  ‘I thought so. We were two adults providing each other with a bit of company. Our weekly drink became a weekly meal and we’d chat about normal stuff – the news – the weather. Certainly nothing that would indicate we were anything more than just friends.’

  ‘Okay, so what changed?’

  ‘Rumours. People started to refer to us as a couple.’

  ‘Because they’d seen you together?’

  ‘Yes, and because she’d told people.’

  ‘Eeek, that’s awkward. So did you ask her about it?’

  ‘Well, it’s only just catching up with me. I went to talk to her last night in fact.’

  My cream-cake alert is at disaster level. Do I put my fingers in my ears? Nope, I’m still too invested.

  ‘I think she knew I was going to cool things off and … oh God …’

  ‘What happened?’ Oh, come on! I know what happened.

  ‘I turned up and she’d cooked. There were candles and everything. I knew it was way more romantic than we’d ever been. She gave me a shoulder rub then moved on to my feet … Sorry, you really shouldn’t have to listen to this. I’m your boss.’

  I must have weird voyeuristic tendencies because as much as I don’t want to hear about Edward and Stacy’s romantic connection, I have some sort of morbid curiosity. ‘It’s fine. You obviously need to talk to someone about this and you’ve spent plenty of time listening to my problems. Besides that, I’m a good listener.’

  ‘You are,’ he says, taking me by surprise. Heat floods my cheeks – now it’s my turn to blush. ‘Anyway. I hadn’t even noticed she was wearing this wrap dress. It was pink as usual so it hadn’t stood out. She went into the kitchen to get dessert and came out with these cream cakes. Only she’d …’

  My cream cake-dar is on form. It is, however, the most useless superpower known to man.

  ‘She’d unwrapped the dress and it hung loosely and … well there was a lot of pink lace. Her intentions were very clear.’

  ‘So what did you do?’ Every cell in my body is praying he put an end to proceedings.

  ‘I told her I’d overeaten and had a stomach ache.’

  ‘Edward!’ I say, both inappropriately relieved and incredulous.

  ‘I know. I’m a terrible wet rag of a human who hates confrontation.’

  ‘You said it,’ I say.

  ‘Now she wants to make things up to me with a “night of fun” and I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Sometimes trying to please people just ends up causing more hurt and pisses people off.’

  He turns to look at me.

  ‘Sorry for saying pisses … Twice. But it’s true. Over promising and always trying to be kind will catch up with you one day when you can’t deliver. One day Mrs Pearson’s cat will have to be put to sleep and you won’t be able to play the affable vet who jests about Yorkshire pudding. You don’t have to be liked by everyone.’

  He rests his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. ‘Those are wise words, Steph.’

  Words I’ve used on Ralph before now.

  ‘You’re right. Honesty is better than people-pleasing.’

  I nod. ‘You are a good vet and people trust you. They love you around here, but you have to make some tough decisions that people won’t always like.’

  ‘I know and I do that. I just feel terrible about it for weeks.’

  ‘Because you’re kind and you have a good heart.’

  He pops the lid off another beer and offers it to me. I have my car here and
shouldn’t drink another but I’m enjoying this somewhat taboo evening and I suppose I could treat myself to a taxi home.

  ‘Cheers to the end-of-year accounts,’ I say, accepting it.

  ‘Thanks for this, Steph. I know you have the kids at home and it’s outside of hours but I really have no clue as to what I’m doing. That’s why I hired someone.’

  ‘It’s okay, Edward. Honestly, anyone who works in accounts knows there’s always a few extra hours to put in at year-end or when filing is due.’

  ‘Filing? What’s that then?’ he says. It’s a second or two before it registers that he’s trying to be funny.

  ‘You are definitely not a tax dodger. You can barely dodge a cream-cake-wielding admirer and that doesn’t carry a hefty fine and possible prison sentence.’ I cringe as soon as I say it. Did I really just call my boss a tax dodger? I’ve been out of work for so long any form of etiquette has gone out the window.

  ‘That’s true.’ He laughs softly, putting me at ease.

  ‘If you’re not attracted to her you need to say. You’ll humiliate her if you keep making excuses because a part of her will always cling on to the notion you feel something for her, even if she suspects you’re brushing her off.’

  ‘Jesus, I thought you were good at accounts but it turns out you’re also good at making me feel like an absolute idiot too.’

  I freeze. I really have crossed the line now. It’s the beer and the proximity and the fact he’s so bloody easy to talk to. Actually, it’s the subject matter to blame and I never brought the whole Stacy thing up. I dare to look at him. His features are relaxed and he wears an easy smile.

  I grin and push my luck further. ‘Don’t act like one then.’

  I reach for a prawn cracker smugly and he does too at the exact same time. His hand brushes mine. Instead of moving it away and apologising like I expect him to, he lets it linger and instead of flinching, I enjoy the rush of warmth that spreads through my body.

  ‘I could tell her I’m attracted to someone else,’ he says with a whisper. His breath sends a shiver down my spine.

  I swallow hard. ‘Don’t make up a reason, just be honest.’

  ‘What if I am being honest?’ Eventually, he moves his hand away.

  My body and everything in it sags with the weight of my illicit disappointment. I shouldn’t have cared about his relationship with Stacy and I shouldn’t care about whoever it is he fancies.

  ‘Then you should be honest with that person too,’ I say, adding a shrug for nonchalance. I pick up my beer and go to take a sip but Edward places his warm hand on mine, gently guiding it back to the table.

  ‘Steph.’ He turns my chair so I’m facing him. ‘I know I’m probably breaking several employment laws and codes of conduct in the workplace here but a wise woman told me very recently that I had to be honest.’

  My heart leaps and I’m scared to take a breath in case I spoil the fragility of this moment.

  ‘Okay,’ I whisper.

  ‘Since the day you walked through that door with your out-of-date bookkeeping knowledge I’ve seen something in you. You have a light … an energy …’ He rakes his hands through his hair. ‘Sorry, this all sounded better in my head. There’s something about you I admire. You’ve had this incredibly tough life and yet you get up every morning and carry on.’

  ‘I just do what everyone does.’ I feel seen, for the first time in a long time. The swell of emotion threatens to choke me.

  ‘But you always do it smiling, Steph. You have a kindness that radiates from you. The way you are with your children and others, even Stacy – you blamed yourself for her not paying – you are wonderful.’

  The back of my neck tingles and I rub it to try and make it stop. I don’t believe it. I mess up, I muddle through, I get my shit together only to find the bag for life I’ve piled it into has holes in. How can he see something in me that I don’t?

  ‘You are beautiful inside and out.’

  There’s a golf ball wedged in my throat. I swallow hard.

  ‘Enough about me. Who is it you’re attracted to?’ I blurt. I mean it to be funny because I don’t know what else to say but the words land like a feather on a snow-covered rooftop. Sort of silent but lingering.

  He tilts his head and his eyes drop to the floor. ‘I know you probably don’t feel the same way and that’s fine. I won’t mention it again and things don’t need to be awkward between us.’

  It’s now or never. I either (very quickly) admit to myself and then him that I fancy the tweed pants off him or I pretend his attraction is one-sided, move on and regret it forever. I look at his beautifully perfect face. The sexy way his brown hair is ruffled from his hands raking through it in frustration; the depth of blue to his eyes and the light stubble I want so desperately to touch. Would admitting I too have feelings be so bad? He picks at the label on his beer bottle with his nimble, life-saving fingers. They’re big, safe hands and I’m desperate to feel them on me.

  ‘I feel the same about you.’ My voice is a petrified whisper. I’ve never done this before. I snogged Mike in a nightclub and he texted me the next day asking to meet up. We met, snogged again and that kept happening and a few years later we were married. We never talked about feelings. The only time he ever said ‘I love you’ was after sex. In hindsight it was outrageously blatant foreshadowing.

  Edward’s eyes widen. ‘You do?’

  For a second, I’m frozen but I manage a small nod. He brushes my hair off my face and gently traces the cut on my head then moves his hand down the side of my neck. Our eyes lock and a magnetic pull brings us closer together. He moves his head towards me and the warmth of his breath caresses my face.

  ‘Can I kiss you now?’ he whispers.

  Without replying, I move my mouth to his. My lips are cold from the beer bottle and his are hot and full. Our mouths work in rhythm together and his tongue slips tenderly in. Mine responds eagerly. My hands find his biceps and work down his back and I have to stop myself from pushing my entire body into his.

  He’s my boss. I banish the thought. This is too good to resist. He’s so unassumingly sexy and kind. I want to devour him. He’s my boss. I want to take his shirt off. My fingers tangle in its hem, pulling it from his trousers as we kiss. Now is not the time to get involved with someone. Suddenly, all I can see is Ralph’s face. Hurt and disappointed that his only constant has let him down.

  I pull away. ‘I’m sorry,’ I pant. ‘I can’t do this. I shouldn’t have let it happen.’ I stand up and gather my bag and cardigan.

  ‘Steph, I’m sorry if I went too far. I thought you wanted it too.’

  ‘I did. I do, but things at home are complicated right now. I’m sorry.’

  Only half of Edward’s face is visible in the lamplight but I can tell the sparkle seems to have gone from his eyes. He nods slowly in acknowledgement.

  ‘I’ll sort the rest of the accounts on Friday. I can run off some reports and things; it shouldn’t take me long. Thanks for the takeaway.’

  When I step into the darkness I realise I can’t drive home. I’m completely sober now but it would be stupid to drive after two beers. Torn between the embarrassment of going back inside and the uninviting darkness, I start to walk towards the pub where I’ll call a cab. As I’m walking, the familiar sensation comes back to me. My heart rate picks up, my scalp starts to prickle and goose bumps pop on my arms. Every sound makes me jump and my eyes dart around searching for a potential attacker. The fear is different this time though. My mind is distracted. I replay the kiss in my mind and my lower abdomen flutters. When I picture the hurt in Edward’s eyes as I was leaving it makes me want to cry. How did I make such a mess of everything? I was happy admiring him from the wings and now this casts a shadow over everything. It’s one thing longing for someone you can’t have, but longing for someone you can have but shouldn’t have is painful.

  When I reach the pub, my tension eases. I call a cab and sit down on the wall. A few drunken couples stag
ger out. I freeze each time until I notice they’re either hand in hand or arm in arm, kissing or laughing. As they pass and everything falls silent again, I can’t help but wonder if Edward has come after me. I chance a look down the street but I can’t see a soul beneath the white glow of the streetlamp. My organs weigh heavily inside me. Of course he wouldn’t come after me – he’s respecting my wishes.

  I never thought it possible to resent your own wishes.

  Chapter 31

  The next morning I wake up feeling surprisingly chirpy. Then I remember last night and it weighs down on me all over again. When I got home, a million emotions hit me all at once. Regret for kissing Edward, regret for running away, embarrassment and frustration. It must have shown on my face because even Mike asked if I was okay. Mike who has never in our history registered any of my subtle hints or signals. I check the time and I’m fifteen minutes late. Then I remember my car. I turn off my bedside lamp and dive out of bed – if we have to walk to school, I’m actually half an hour late. I run to Henry’s room whilst yelling at Ralph and Ava to get up and get dressed.

  We practically fall out of the front door in a flurry of coats, bags and lunchboxes.

  ‘Everything all right?’ Janey is already crossing the road towards us.

  ‘I overslept,’ I say. Janey regards me curiously.

  ‘Where’s your car?’

  I glance at the gaping hole by the side of the pavement where it’s usually parked. ‘Work.’

  ‘Was Mike here last night? I thought I saw his car,’ she asks, automatically taking the pushchair off me so I can put my coat on.

  ‘Yes, he babysat whilst I went into work for a bit. We had the end-of-year accounts to sort.’

  ‘And by we, you mean you and Carly?’ she says with a smirk.

  I sigh. ‘No, you know I mean Edward. It was work.’

  ‘That doesn’t explain the car,’ she says, pulling down the handles of the pushchair so she can jimmy it down the kerb.

  ‘And who are you? A CSI?’

  ‘Okay, I’m pulling your leg but now I know there’s more to this than a flat battery or something. Got time for a coffee?’