The Single Mums' Book Club

by Victoria Cooke

  ‘Thank you,’ I mouth to Edward when Carly’s head is buried in the fridge. She pours herself a cup of coffee, adds some milk and then disappears, completely oblivious to the ten-quid dent she’s just made in Edward’s wallet.

  ‘So, Saturday,’ he says.

  ‘Come about sixish and since you’re treating us to bacon butties, I might even go above and beyond chicken nuggets.’ I tap my chin in thought. ‘Although Iceland do have a deal on.’

  ‘I don’t care if you serve me Otis’s discarded marrow bone in an old boot as long as you’re there.’ He glances backwards. Satisfied the coast is clear, he takes a step closer and kisses the tip of my nose. I close my eyes as his lips linger there for a moment.

  ***

  I can’t keep it quiet anymore. It’s been three days of sneaky kisses and stolen glances. Edward keeps buying baked goods for everyone in the practice, which must be his way of coping with all the secrecy, and if it carries on for much longer, none of my clothes will fit. So, I grabbed Janey after school and we’ve brought the kids to a god-awful, giant play gym that has the aroma of sweaty feet and bad coffee. There’s a cacophony of squeals, crying and slide-squeaks, which, on a normal day would be headache-inducing, but today it provides the perfect cover for me to spill my burning secret.

  ‘I got you a fruit tea. It’s powdered milk so I thought we’d best avoid a milky beverage,’ Janey says, placing the tray of teas and Fruit Shoots down on the sticky coffee table in front of me.

  ‘I thought you hated play gyms,’ she says, sitting on the brown pleather sofa opposite.

  ‘I do. I wanted to talk to you about something?’

  ‘Oh?’ No genuine surprise registers on her face.

  ‘You know what I’m about to tell you.’ I draw a breath. ‘Yes, Edward and I went on a date.’

  ‘You’re dating?’

  ‘Date, singular so far but for want of a better word, yes. We went out last Saturday and it was perfect.’ I hug my warm cup close to my chest.

  ‘If that smile on your face is anything to go by, I can tell. Where did he take you?’

  ‘It was an indoor seaside-themed pop-up cinema thing. It was wonderful. We watched—’

  ‘Hang on. You didn’t get home until Sunday morning! You’re telling me you slept over after the first date? You dirty dog!’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. We just stayed up for hours and it got so late it seemed a bit silly to get a taxi home in the early hours when he has four bedrooms. We talked. A lot. There was kissing, and cuddling.’

  ‘Oh, God! You’ve got it bad.’

  I rub my cheeks where the muscles ache from smiling. ‘It’s very new and obviously, the kids don’t know anything about it. I want to see where this goes before I even think about introducing Edward to them as anything other than my boss.’

  ‘Fair enough. I’m proud of you though. Stepping out of your comfort zone like that can’t have been easy.’

  ‘It wasn’t, but Edward sort of makes it easy. I don’t need to try and be anything but myself. After years of pretence keeping up with Emily and her friends, I’m done with that way of life. Maybe I’m getting older and wiser in my three decades—’

  Janey raises her eyebrows.

  ‘Okay, nearly four decades. What I’m trying to say is that I’m done with the nonsense. I don’t care who went to the Maldives over Christmas, or whose BMW has the biggest engine, or who saw Tiger Woods at some exclusive golf resort in Hawaii. I care about the people who will pop the kettle on when I have tonsillitis and the kids are driving me mad; the people who will listen if I need to vent; the people who can see me at my worst and come to help rather than climbing over each other to get away. I care about the people I can talk to without judgement. People like you and Amanda. Edward too, but I have to be careful with him. I have to be certain that things are serious.’

  ‘It makes sense. You do what’s best for you and I’m here to help in any way I can.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I stand up and hug her.

  ‘Now, I want to know everything. Is he a good kisser?’

  Chapter 41

  My leg jiggles as my foot rests in the footwell. I’ve collected the children from school and nursery and now I’m stuck at traffic lights on my way back to the vet’s. I haven’t had much chance to talk to Edward about the kids but if this thing between us starts to turn into something, it’s quite a big deal for all of us.

  ‘Hello, small folk.’ Edward greets the children with a wide smile. Ava steps backwards whilst Ralph rolls his eyes without looking up from his DS.

  ‘I’ll take that, thank you,’ I say, snatching it from him and stuffing it into my bag.

  ‘Too much?’ Edward whispers to me whilst the children head over to the dog toys we sell.

  ‘A little.’ I nod. ‘Just be yourself. They’ll love you.’

  ‘Mummy, can I have one of these? It shows the little boy putting biscuits inside.’ Ava holds up one of those Kong toys.

  ‘No, sweetheart, that’s for dogs. Otis has one similar, remember.’

  ‘I want a toy with biscuits in.’

  ‘We can sort that,’ Edward says disappearing into the kitchen. He comes back with a small bag of biscuits, the little mini Cadbury ones, and opens it. He takes one out and tries to wedge it in the open end of the toy. It fits.

  ‘Why should dogs have all the fun? I’ve washed the Kong so you’re good to go.’ Edward hands it over to a delighted Ava. ‘Now, who wants to see some rabbits?’

  The three rabbits were in a box dumped on the doorstep of the practice a couple of days ago. They’re too young to be away from their mother so Edward has been hand-rearing them.

  ‘They’re ready for weaning now. See how they have fur and their eyes are open? That’s how we know they’re old enough.’

  ‘How old are they?’ Ralph asks. He’s leaning on the table peering into the cage.

  ‘About eleven days.’

  ‘Eleven days?’ Ralph says. ‘I thought they’d be a few months.’

  Edward nods. ‘They grow pretty fast. I’m going to take them to my house this weekend as they need some grass to run around on now.’

  ‘Cool,’ Ralph says.

  ‘Mummy, can we take one home?’

  ‘No, sweetheart. Edward should do it because he’s a vet. They need to be looked after in a certain way.’

  ‘They need an experienced handler, but you’re welcome to visit them at any time.’

  I flash Edward a look of gratitude.

  ‘Can we, Mummy?’

  ‘Of course we can.’

  Whilst Edward closes the shutter over the door, Ava comes and hugs me tightly. She’s still clutching the biscuit-filled Kong toy. ‘Your work is the best place. I want to work here when I grow up.’

  I smile. ‘It’s not just eating biscuits and stroking rabbits,’ I say. ‘I do a lot of boring stuff too.’

  ‘Can we get some food now?’ Ralph says, obviously much less impressed with Mummy’s work than Ava.

  ‘I hope so,’ Edward says. ‘I’m starving.’

  Ralph gives him a sideways glance and nods in approval. Throughout it all, Henry has been fast asleep in my arms but he’s starting to stir. ‘I think your brother is hungry too. What is it with you boys? You’re like bottomless pits!’

  We carry our steaming carrier bags to the park. The fish and chips smell so good I have to use every ounce of my willpower not to tear into them before we reach the bench. We sit down. I’m not as relaxed as I was last time we were here but I suppose the dynamic has changed a lot. Edward was the boss I secretly admired back then. Now he’s the boss who I’m kissing and I’m seeking the kids’ approval.

  ‘I got you a large portion,’ Edward says, tossing a paper package to Ralph.

  ‘Cool.’ Ralph smiles a half-smile at Edward and I think that might just have done it. Edward asks Ralph about school and his hobbies and after struggling to find some middle ground, they eventually discover a shared love of Formula One racin
g. As Ralph lists his top-three racing drivers with enthusiasm, I give Henry a piece of fish to be chewing on, which he takes greedily.

  ‘So, Ava, did you like the rabbits?’ Edward asks.

  ‘Mmm,’ she replies through a mouthful of food. ‘Will they die?’

  Edward puts his little plastic fork down. ‘Someday, when they’re older, but not any time soon, I hope. I’ll make sure they’ll be okay.’

  ‘I want to make sure animals are okay when I grow up,’ Ava says. Edward flashes me a smile.

  ‘It’s a great job.’

  ‘Can I feed the ducks?’ Ava asks, holding up a piece of batter off her fish.

  ‘Yes, but over the wall of the playground. You can’t go to the riverbank,’ I say.

  ‘Hang on.’ Edward pulls a brown paper bag out of his pocket. ‘I came prepared. Batter isn’t great for ducks so I’ve brought some duck food.’

  Ava takes the bag from him and peers inside. ‘Yuck. It looks like Mummy’s breakfast.’

  ‘Hey, my muesli is delicious, you cheeky monkey!’

  She and Ralph go to the drystone wall at the edge of the park and lean over. Soon they’re throwing handfuls of feed over whilst laughing.

  ‘They’re great kids,’ Edward says, watching them.

  Now is my chance to bring up the topic that’s been gnawing away at me. Taking on a divorcee with three kids is a big step. He’s been great with the kids so far but if this were to go anywhere, he’ll be in their lives properly. I need to know he understands that and he’s not just tolerating them for my sake. I lean across the table a little, bringing my face closer to his.

  ‘It’s a lot to think about though. If things did get serious between us.’

  ‘Steph, honestly it doesn’t worry me in the slightest.’

  ‘Three kids though? It worries me every bloody day.’ I laugh and he does too.

  He starts to pick at the corner of the chip paper. ‘You know I wanted a family and the truth is, I’m pushing forty and I sort of came to terms with the fact it might not happen for me. Being around Ava, Ralph and this little guy’ – he tickles Henry under the chin – ‘is definitely no hardship. I’m more worried about them resenting me.’

  I exhale. I’d been on tenterhooks, dreading him saying they’d be the next best thing, like they were some sort of booby prize. I do moan about my kids a bit but they will never be anyone’s second best. Him not saying that, makes me like him more.

  Ava comes running over. ‘Edward, can you push me on the swing?’

  ‘Go on then.’ He gets up and sighs, pretending he doesn’t want to but I can tell he’s thrilled to be asked. I jiggle Henry on my lap and get him some sliced grapes out of my bag. Watching Edward and Ava laughing together should feel so weird but it doesn’t. It feels right.

  Chapter 42

  It’s been ages since I’ve made anything ‘proper’ and today I’m braving beef wellington. I splashed out on a fillet of beef from the butcher in the village and I’ve made my own pastry; all being well, I’ll avoid the curse of the soggy bottom or a disastrous duxelles. I’m doing triple-cooked chips on the side and the bloke in the wine shop recommended the perfect red. The doorbell rings as I’m straining the red wine sauce.

  ‘Something smells delicious,’ Edward says as soon as he steps through the door.

  ‘Let’s hope it tastes that way,’ I say, heading back towards the kitchen.

  ‘I meant you. Come here.’ He spins me around and brushes the hair off my face before kissing me on the lips and causing my stomach to somersault in the process. ‘Mmm yes, you taste good too,’ he says.

  ‘Funny,’ I say rolling my eyes. ‘The wine is breathing; pour yourself a glass whilst I get this in the oven.’

  I take the meticulously prepared beef wellington out of the fridge and unwrap the Clingfilm before popping it in the oven. The cooled chips are on the side waiting to go into the deep fat fryer and remarkably, everything seems to be under control.

  ‘I brought you these.’ He pulls a bunch of pink peonies out of a canvas shopping bag. ‘I also brought dessert although the Co-op’s own-brand cheesecake seems a bit naff now I’ve seen what you’ve cooked.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ I say, setting two plates out on the kitchen table. ‘Can you put the knives and forks out?’

  We move around the kitchen in unison, never colliding, never duplicating. It’s effortless. When the table is set, Edward takes charge of the wine whilst I dish up. As I turn around with the two plates of well-presented (even if I do say so myself) wellington, I notice Edward has found some old candles. He must have been in the cupboard under the sink and found several too-good-to-throw-out but not-nice-enough-for-guests candle dregs. Lit, they give the kitchen a soft, romantic glow.

  ‘This smells amazing,’ Edward says, inhaling the delicious scent of meat and pastry. He reaches for the bottle of red he’d been allowing to breathe and pours us both a glass.

  ‘Cheers,’ he says.

  ‘To us.’ As I say the words and clink my glass against his, I can barely meet his eye. It’s all so new to me. I’m in that strange place in a new relationship where I’m elated and excited but also scared witless. A new relationship is a fragile thing. It isn’t robust like a solid marriage and even those fall apart. It’s like a breath too deep or a joke too far could be all it takes for this to crumble. There’s so much anxiety and dread inside me, I’m too full to eat.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Edward wipes his mouth on his napkin and places his knife and fork down. I notice he’s already halfway through his meal.

  ‘I am. It’s just … I …’ Air rushes out of my lungs. ‘I’m happy.’

  He smiles and covers my hand with his and whispers, ‘I’m scared too.’

  He leans towards me and kisses me gently on the lips, causing a surge of electricity through my body. ‘I’m terrified there could be a time you won’t want me to do that.’

  The comforting warmth of his vulnerability smothers the unbearable tension that has been mounting up since he arrived. He understands me and for the first time since Janey found me in the supermarket, I am seen.

  ‘Me too.’ It comes out as a whisper. ‘Do you think it’s so scary because it feels so right?’

  He nods with deep certainty in his eyes. ‘Probably that and because we’ve both been hurt before. How about we stop worrying and start enjoying? Starting with this wonderful food!’

  ‘Sounds like a plan.’ Tentatively, I try the beef wellington. ‘Bloody hell, that’s good,’ I say and Edward laughs.

  ‘Just wait until you try my cheesecake.’

  We chat about normal stuff through the rest of the meal. Places we’d love to travel to, embarrassing fashion faux pas in our teenager years and where we saw ourselves as adults versus where we are now.

  By the time we’ve eaten Edward’s cheesecake, we’re both feeling the effects of the wine and he suggests we sit out in the garden for some fresh air. The sky is a clear, sooty black and the moon bright white against its canvas, illuminating the trees and grass, giving them a navy-blue colour. The air is a bit chillier than it has been so I pop back inside for a blanket and we snuggle up on the swinging sofa, rocking to and fro under the moonlight.

  ‘How do you feel being out here? In the dark I mean.’

  ‘Surprisingly okay.’ Perhaps it’s the wine or the company but I’m more relaxed than ever. I used to sit out here with Mike, but after he left, the fear got worse and I haven’t sat out on my own at night since.

  After a while of sitting in companionable silence, listening to nothing but the gentle sound of the river, Edward shuffles a little in his seat.

  ‘Can I say something?’ The warmth of his breath caresses my scalp.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘I know we’ve not been doing this for very long and we haven’t known one another for much time at all really but being here with you like this feels so right.’ He kisses me tenderly on my forehead. It’s a small gesture that sends my body into hyp
er-awareness like every nerve end is on speed. I don’t know if it’s the wine but I’m overcome with the urge for something more passionate. I stretch my neck so my lips reach his and our mouths work slowly in unison. His tongue probes deeply. Wanting more I climb onto his lap and run my hands through his hair, pulling his head even closer as the swing rocks us gently to and fro.

  His hands rest on the outside of my thighs, which tingle with warmth as he glides them slowly upwards, lifting the hem of my dress.

  ‘Is this okay?’ he asks in a breathy voice.

  I nod, my open mouth still pressed against his.

  ***

  The next morning I wake up to bright sunlight streaming through the window. In the heat of the moment, we obviously forgot to close the curtains. Edward is still in a restful sleep. I lay my head on his chest. The gentle rise and fall of it is somewhat comforting.

  ‘Morning, beautiful,’ he says after a while. His voice is thick with sleep.

  ‘Morning,’ I reply, kissing the fine hair on his chest then inhaling the scent of him. He wraps his thick arms around me and squeezes me tightly. I could stay here forever. But I can’t. It’s Sunday and the kids will be home in a few hours.

  ‘Let me cook you breakfast,’ Edward says, kissing my hair. ‘You can stay in bed if you like.’

  Reluctantly, I let him slide out from beneath my head. I watch as he pulls his jeans on over his naked bum. ‘Wait.’ He had pants on last night. I panic. ‘Where are your boxers?’

  He grins devilishly. ‘Either in the garden, in the kitchen or on the stairs.’

  ‘Oh, God. Please find them.’ I bury my face in my pillow.

  I rest my head back down, after a while, relishing in the sense of calm that a full night’s sleep has brought. I haven’t slept that well since Mike left. I think I doze back off because I wake up to the sound of sizzling and the whiff of bacon. I pull on my dressing gown and head downstairs.

  ‘Something smells good. Did you find your pants?’

  ‘Scrambled eggs, bacon and grilled tomato.’ He pulls out a chair. ‘Sit down and I’ll get you some coffee and yes, my pants are safely on my person.’