The Single Mums' Book Club

by Victoria Cooke

  ‘I could get used to this.’

  ‘It’s nice to have someone to do it for.’

  Just as we finish eating, the telephone rings.

  ‘You answer that; I’ll clear up,’ Edward says.

  ‘Seriously.’ I kiss him on his light stubble. ‘I could get used to this.’

  There’s a definite spring in my step as I head to answer the phone. Whenever the landline rings, I normally ignore it but today I’m in such good spirits, I want to answer it. I want the person on the other end to hear how happy I am.

  ‘Hello?’ I chirp.

  ‘Stephanie?’

  ‘Is that you, Mike?’ He sounds so serious. My heart pounds my sternum. ‘Is everything okay? Are the children all right?’

  ‘Yes, they’re fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to panic you.’

  ‘What is it? Why are you calling? You’re coming over in a couple of hours.’

  ‘I just wanted to know if you’re free today. There’s something I want to talk to you about.’

  ‘Yes, I’m free but can’t you just say whatever it is now? You’re worrying me.’

  He exhales a long, deep breath then he shouts the kids’ names. ‘Okay, they’re out of earshot. I want to talk about us. I know we already spoke about it and decided we shouldn’t get back together but I think we may have made a terribly rash decision and the divorce and everything could have been a mistake.’

  ‘What the …? Are you saying you want me back?’

  ‘I think it’s something we should talk about.’

  I’m dumbfounded. I can’t keep going over this. It’s not enough to get my team back; for the kids to get their dad back. Like Janey said, I don’t want my children to think marriage is about being miserable. We were terrible together and things are better between us now. Things with Edward are going well. I like him so much and what’s more, he seems to like me.

  ‘Mike.’ My voice is a whisper. I hold the phone to my chest and glance towards the kitchen. It’s silent in there. ‘Mike, I can’t talk about this now. Not over the phone.’

  ‘That’s why I want to know if you’re free. I thought we could stick a film on for the kids and sit out in the garden and talk.’

  The garden. Oh God. The things Edward and I did in that garden. I rub my face with my hands. ‘Come over and we’ll talk.’

  ‘Great. We’re just having breakfast and then we’ll set off.’ As Mike finishes his sentence, the front door closes. Edward?

  ‘Okay. See you later.’ I hang up the phone and dart down the hall. As I swing open the door I’m just in time to see Edward’s car turning at the bottom of the street.

  Oh God, what a mess.

  Chapter 43

  Even though I know Edward has gone, I go into the kitchen hoping for some trace of him. The dishes from breakfast are clean, he’s wiped down the table and everything has been put away. The only reminders of the time we spent together are two plates, two cups and two sets of cutlery draining by the sink. My phone sits still on the side. I pick it up. Nothing.

  By the time Mike’s car pulls up outside, I’ve paced the house approximately one thousand times. I even check the carpet to see if I’ve worn a rut in it. When I open the door, the kids burst in. There is a flurry of hugs, kisses and hellos and they head to the lounge.

  ‘Dad bought us the new Toy Story DVD,’ Ralph says.

  ‘And popcorn,’ adds Ava.

  ‘Brilliant,’ I say, smiling brightly. ‘Go and stick it on then.’

  It isn’t until now that I actually look at Mike. He needs a haircut and his face is thinner – the skin sort of hangs loose, grazing the structure of his cheekbones.

  ‘Come on through to the kitchen, I’ll make you a cup of tea.’

  When the tea is brewed and poured Mike opens the back door and goes into the garden. He takes the double swing chair and I sit on one of the green plastic patio chairs opposite.

  ‘I used to love sitting here,’ he says. It is quite a spectacular view. The never-ending green fields beyond are still covered with a layer of low morning mist even though it’s almost lunchtime.

  ‘What’s happened, Mike?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘What’s brought on all this “trying again” business?’

  ‘I miss you, Stephanie. I miss us.’

  That word hits me like an arrow. Us. For so long all I wanted was us. The imperfect, miserable version we’d become. I sip my tea to hide any emotion that may have manifested on my face. ‘What about Kate?’

  ‘She’s great but I miss our family. I miss the way we were, Stephanie. We had a great life.’

  I lean forward and look him in the eyes. ‘Mike, what’s brought this on?’

  ‘You. Ever since that night you told me you wanted to try again, I’ve been thinking about it. The more I do, the more it makes sense.’

  ‘No. No it didn’t make sense – we both agreed on that. Besides, it was months ago. You’re supposed to be moving in with Kate.’

  ‘I know but once that happens, that’s it.’

  ‘What do you mean that’s it? Once you move in with her you’re stuck with her?’ Poor Kate!

  He sighs. ‘No, I don’t mean that. I just want to be sure I’ve thought about it and all I can think about right now is you and the old life we had.’

  ‘Mike,’ I say softly but I don’t follow it with anything. He’s offering me what I’ve always wanted. The family unit back together. The kids would be ecstatic – it’s what Ava asked Santa for last Christmas. My eyes fix on the swinging chair. The memories of last night pelt me like little balls of hailstone. Mike is offering me a safe, familiar route to the dream I’ve always had. He’s offering me something comfortable. Dare I want more than that? Dare I want some desire? Some passion? Dare I want more than Mike? Dare I do something just for me?

  ‘Stephanie?’ Mike asks. My forehead is tense so I try to relax it.

  ‘Why are you here, Mike? Why aren’t you with Kate?’

  ‘I … you know why.’

  ‘Where is Kate?’

  ‘She’s at the flat.’

  ‘Blissfully unaware you’re here asking your ex-wife for a reconciliation, I’m willing to bet?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t tell her—’

  ‘You’re just scared. It’s new. You have to find your rhythm again when you move in with Kate and that’s okay. The kids have just got used to the idea of her. You can’t keep flitting and changing your mind. It’s not fair to them.’

  ‘I know. But I thought you wanted to try again.’

  I go and sit beside him on the swing. I brush my hand over the floral print fabric and my lower abdomen clenches inappropriately at the memory of last night.

  ‘I was wrong. We went over this. We were a dull couple without a spark. I think we found safety in one another early on and just fell into a relationship. Don’t you want more? Don’t you want passion and excitement?’

  He shrugs. Mike isn’t the passion and excitement sort so it surprises me when he says: ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Have you got that with Kate?’

  ‘Yes, I guess so. She’s different to you though. She’s driven by her career and her friends. She’s not a homemaker like you.’

  I raise my eyebrows and he shrugs apologetically.

  ‘And that’s exactly why she’s good for you. She keeps you on your toes and she gets out of your hair a few times a week. Perhaps we were just too lazy together. We didn’t challenge one another and in the end; we just bickered over whose turn it was to take Ralph to football or Ava to ballet. We became like—’

  ‘A couple of moody teens?’ Mike cuts me off.

  I laugh softly. ‘Exactly.’

  We swing back and forth for a moment, listening to the birds chirp.

  ‘I do love you and I always will,’ I say. Mike takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Don’t be afraid of moving in with Kate. Yes, she probably will make you cook a few times a week and
pick up your own socks off the bedroom floor, but it will be good for you.’

  ‘Hey, I pick up my own socks and cook for myself now, thank you very much.’

  ‘Then you’re already a better partner to her than you were to me.’

  ‘Was I really that bad?’

  ‘I think we both were.’

  ‘What about you? Are you okay?’

  I think about Edward and how he left without saying goodbye this morning. I might have some explaining to do but I know what I want now. ‘I think so.’

  ***

  Come evening time, I’ve still not heard from Edward. My stomach has been off all day and I haven’t eaten since the breakfast he made me. I should text him. I can’t blame him for not getting in touch, he obviously overheard me on the phone and wanted to give me space. He’ll be waiting for a text from me, I’m sure.

  I key out a few different messages ranging from a lengthy explanation to a brief message saying Mike and I sorted things out. The thing is, I don’t know how much of the conversation he caught. He may have just heard it was Mike, realised the time and left because he thought the kids were nearly home or he could have heard the lot. Explaining over text could be complicated so I just settle on:

  Thanks for breakfast and a great night. Hope you’re okay xxx

  When I press send, I clutch the phone, waiting for the buzz of a reply. After ten minutes, there’s nothing so I force myself to get ready for bed. I brush my teeth; nothing. I put my pyjamas on; nothing. I climb under the covers; nothing.

  In the end, I put my phone by my lamp and snuggle into the duvet. The fresh scent of Edward’s aftershave combined with his natural musky scent lingers in the fibres. I’m so dopey with sleep, it feels like he’s here in bed with me. As I’m drifting off, my phone buzzes violently on the hard wood of the bedside table. I peel my eyes open and glance at the bright screen through blurry eyes. It’s Edward but only the first few lines are visible. I sit up to read it.

  I’m so sorry I left without saying goodbye.

  The anxiety I’ve had all day melts away. He’s sorry. Things are fine between us. I open the full message.

  I’m so sorry I left without saying goodbye. I really didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation but the sound just carried. I heard what Mike was calling you for and I suppose I just panicked and left. I was frightened of hearing you say you wanted to call things off between us and you were going to try again with Mike. It’s silly because I already knew that’s what was happening. I suppose I just wanted to relish in the good feelings of last night for a little bit longer. You’re probably really confused now. Maybe you’ve already decided to be with Mike, maybe you haven’t. I can’t be a factor in your decision. What we have is new and new relationships are exciting but we have no idea what lies ahead. I know that your family is the most important thing in your life and I don’t want to confuse matters. We should cool things off between us so you have time to think and process everything. I want you to do what’s best for you and the kids. xxx

  I throw my head back too quickly and it cracks the headboard. ‘Ouch.’ I rub the back and there’s already a lump forming. I need to explain everything to Edward. He needs to know that I don’t want to fall back into a rut with Mike. My fingers start tapping my phone frantically.

  Edward, Mike was just confused. We’re not getting back together. Can we talk tomorrow? xxx

  After five minutes, I check to see if the message has been read. It hasn’t even been delivered. He must have turned his phone off.

  Chapter 44

  When I pull into the small car park at work, I’m relieved that Edward’s car isn’t here. He must be on a call-out which is good. He still hasn’t received the WhatsApp message I sent last night so he has no idea Mike and I aren’t getting back together and I can’t exactly explain it to him here. I grab my bag and head in. As I open the door, the phone starts ringing. Carly is on a call and Helen, the nurse, is running around the bulky reception desk to answer the second line. Both women look flustered.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I ask Carly when she’s hung up.

  ‘Edward—’ The phone starts to ring again and she shakes her head. Edward? What about Edward? My heart starts to race and even though I know he’s not here, I go and look for him in the kitchen and then the examination room. When I get back to the reception area, Carly is just putting the phone down.

  ‘He’s off sick,’ she says, just before it rings again.

  ‘Edward’s never off sick,’ Helen says when she’s finished her call. ‘For some reason everyone has picked today as the best day to need a vet. We’ve had three emergency calls already this morning and it’s only five past ten.’

  I get a heaviness inside. Is Edward off because of me? ‘What about the animals? What happens now?’

  ‘We’ve been sending them over to Johnson’s.’

  ‘But that’s miles away,’ I say. Animals could die and it will be all my fault. ‘I’m going to go and see him.’

  Carly looks up in surprise. She’s on a call so can’t say anything but I can tell she thinks it weird and probably, from the outside, it is a little but I’m committed to the idea now and I don’t have time to fill in the gaps.

  ‘Do you think you should be bothering him?’ Helen asks. ‘As I said, he’s never off sick so it must be bad. I’m not sure if going to see him is a bit over the line.’

  ‘Exactly, it must be bad and he has nobody to help out. I’m a mother of three – there are few illnesses I don’t have a remedy for.’ That’s a lie I use Calpol for everything but she doesn’t know that.

  ‘Fine. Just don’t tell him how chaotic things have been here. The last thing we want is for him to rush back and infect us all,’ Helen says.

  ‘I’m just checking on him. I’ll make up my hours later.’ I pick up my bag and head to my car.

  This is good. I’d been dreading facing him at work. This way, I can explain that whatever it was he’d overheard was just a misunderstanding. Hopefully, then we can go back to how things were between us. I call at the sandwich shop on the way and pick up some chicken soup. I don’t for a second believe he is actually ill but on the off-chance he does have a fever or whatever, at least I’ll be prepared.

  As I take the winding road through the endless green fields, I play over what I’m going to say. It should be easy since all I have to do is tell him the truth but every time I play it over in my head, I try to imagine what he’d think in response. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he thinks I’ll change my mind a few months down the line and run back to Mike? Actions speak louder than words I suppose – I’ll have to show him. As I turn the sharp bend before his house, I think I have the words figured out but as the property comes in to view there’s a pink Mini parked in the driveway. My heart plummets to the pit of my stomach. Stacy.

  I slow down. She’s there, on the doorstep. Before I get too close to Edward’s house, I pull over and watch her as she knocks on the door. She has a little brown paper bag in her hand and a bunch of flowers. She didn’t waste any time. I chew my fingernails while I wait. A minute or so later, the door opens and Edward steps out. He’s wearing the festive Batman pyjamas I’d worn a few weeks back. They’re talking. She laughs and throws back her head then hands him the flowers. As he takes them, she touches his bicep. My whole body stiffens. I shouldn’t be watching this but I can hardly drive away now. They’ll see me. I could always look at something else but I can’t seem to tear my eyes away.

  Stacy hands the brown paper bag to Edward. He peers inside. They chat about something and Edward smiles. If he is ill, he doesn’t look it from where I’m sitting. Then he leans in and hugs her. ‘Okay, lady, you’ve given him the flowers and the bag; now get back in your car.’

  They carry on talking. I let out a big puff of air. I’m getting impatient now. If I don’t get back to work soon, I won’t be able to stay long enough to make up the time. Stacy takes a step backwards. Surely this is it – she must be going now
. As they talk some more she kinks her knee coquettishly. I squint – did I really just see that? Then Edward points his thumb over his shoulder and towards his door and Stacy walks in. A coldness runs through my core.

  I’m already too late.

  Chapter 45

  When I get back to work, things seem to have settled down a bit. The morning rush is over and Carly is filing her nails at the reception desk.

  ‘Where’s Helen?’

  ‘She went home. There was nothing for her to do,’ Carly replies. ‘How was Edward?’

  ‘Hmm?’ I say, pretending to be distracted in the hope she’ll carry on with her manicure.

  ‘Edward?’ She rolls her eyes. ‘How was he? Will he be in tomorrow?’

  I throw my hands up in the air. ‘Dunno. When I got there Stacy had just arrived so I didn’t want to pile on him too. I just left without speaking to him.’

  ‘Oh,’ Carly says sullenly. ‘I hoped you might get some answers out of him. If he’s off tomorrow I don’t know what we’ll do. We have a few big procedures booked in and I don’t want to cancel them last minute.’

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t know. I just went to check on him to make sure he was okay. I wasn’t even planning on asking him about work.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry. It’s my fault Stacy went over.’

  I try to act casual. ‘How so?’

  ‘She was in this morning with that rabbit again and I told her he was sick. She said he shouldn’t be alone and something about needing someone to take good care of him. To be honest, I just wanted her to leave because the phones were on fire and she kept talking to me.’

  I force a smile. ‘I’m sure Edward is glad of the company. Perhaps you could call him just before you leave tonight and see if he thinks he’ll be well enough to come in tomorrow. If we leave it as late as possible he’ll have a better idea.’

  ***

  As the kids tuck into their pasta, I stand at the sink staring at the swinging chair in the garden.