Ever Loving

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Nate stifled a sigh of dismay at the thought that all the work he had done with Tango, all the time he had spent training would disappear if he couldn’t compete in the upcoming cutting horse competition in Livingston, Montana.

  He gave Tango another pat on his withers then looked over the gate of the pen. His mare, Nola, stared back at him. Her large brown eyes seemed to accuse him. As if it was all his fault they were in this dilemma.

  “You’ll be okay, girl,” he said, his voice low and assuring. She had to be. The foal she was carrying was worth thousands. He beat down his nervousness, stacked his hands and rested his chin on top of them, watching Nola nose the hay he had forked to her earlier. He heard Bella nicker from the pen outside the barn and Jake’s low, snorting reply. It was as if his horses outside were reassuring the ones inside that all would be well. Trouble was, Nate wasn’t so sure about that.

  Nola turned around in her pen and he fought down a cough. Then another one. Socks, who had followed him into the barn, nudged his hand.

  “Sorry, buddy,” he said, coughing again, dropping to the straw-covered floor beside the dog, stroking his dark head. “That’s what I get for trying to be a hero.”

  He rubbed his eyes, still sore from the smoke and fought down another cough as his thoughts circled back to Mia.

  Last night, after coming back from the hospital, Nate had turned down Denny and Evangeline’s offer of coffee and instead, had gone directly to the trailer he would be staying at. He needed some time alone.

  It was disturbingly easy to resurrect the feeling of Mia’s delicate body in his arms that moment in the hospital. How she had leaned into him and how easily his arms went around her. It had frightened him, but what bothered him more was how good it felt.

  The tantalizing glimpse of something he couldn’t—shouldn’t—have.

  He wanted to blame his reaction on the isolation that had dogged him the past few months. The feeling that, in spite of doing what he loved, there was a huge hole in his life. It was that feeling that had sent him back to reading the Bible. Sent him to his knees in prayer.

  And now he would be on his foster brother’s ranch for a while. But so would Mia and her kids.

  What was he going to do about that?

  The way she had depended on him, even for those brief moments, had created a blend of longing and fear.

  Another fit of coughing overtook him and when it was done, he laid his head back against the rough wood of the pen. Socks laid his head on Nate’s knee and he grinned at his dog, stroking his head. “I’ll be okay, buddy,” he said. “I survived my mom leaving me with Karl. This is nothing in comparison.”

  His mention of his stepfather reminded him of the letter folded up and stuffed in the back pocket of his blue jeans.

  As he had for the past couple of weeks, he waited a moment, forcing his thoughts to a better place.

  Then sending up a prayer, he pulled the letter out of his pocket, unfolded it and read through the contents.

  Again.

  When he received the letter emblazoned with the name of a legal firm based out of Calgary he thought, at first, some mistake from the past had reared its ugly head. Some repercussions from the life he had lived at one time. Wild, out of control and crazy.

  Then, as he read the letter, he realized he was, to some degree, correct.

  His stepfather, the man who had put his mother in the hospital a couple of times and himself even more often, the man who had torn Nate’s family apart and sent him into foster care, had died three months previous. And he had left all his money to Nate.

  Nate ran his fingers over the words, as if to absorb them, the anger he thought he had dealt with rising up and threatening to choke him again. He didn’t want any part of Karl Packer’s money.

  Blood money.

  Guilt money.

  As if giving him money would ever erase what Karl had done to him or his mother. He knew how Karl had made his money. By intimidation and threats. By running a shady mechanic business that was always dancing on the edges of legality.

  It was Karl to the core and there was no way he was having any of it.

  Socks whined just as he heard a rustling noise in the doorway of the barn. He shoved the paper back into his pocket and got up to see who it was. Nate hadn’t gone to the house yet so it could be Evangeline inviting him for breakfast.

  He walked over, curious, Socks trotting along behind him.

  However, it was Nico who hovered in the doorway of the barn, looking at him, a careful smile curving his lips. And as Nate drew nearer, the little boy’s eyes clung to Nate’s, the same way they had yesterday in the hospital.

  Nico stepped into the barn, then petted Socks who had come up to him, sniffing him to make sure he was friend not foe.

  Nico grinned as he stroked Socks, then he turned to Nate, holding his hand out to him.

  Nate hesitated, not sure what Nico was trying to say. So he simply took the boy’s hand, crouching down to see him better.

  “Hey, little guy, how are you doing?”

  But Nico just stood there, silent, his eyes flicking from him to Socks who sat now, watching them both.

  Denny had told him about the little guy’s unwillingness to speak. That the doctor figured it had something to do with the trauma he had gone through and that it was temporary.

  But why was he here?

  “You should probably go back to the house,” Nate said.

  Nico stared at him, as if wanting to ask him something.

  Nate was at a loss what to do. It seemed Nico wanted something from him.

  “Well, I’m sure your mother is worried and wondering where you are,” Nate said, pushing himself slowly to his feet, old injuries rearing up, sending pangs of discomfort through his knees and hips.

  One of these days he had to quit this running around, he thought, reality pushing into the present. Settle down. Make a home.

  But not yet. He had a few things to prove yet. To himself and to the rodeo world.

  Then he heard Evangeline calling Nico’s name and the little guy hesitated a moment, looking from Nate to the house.

  “You better go,” Nate said, shoving his hands in the back pocket of his jeans, wondering if he should bring him there.

  But that would mean seeing Mia again and after yesterday, he thought it best to keep his distance. He had told Denny he would do some work for him the next couple of days while Tango healed up. That would keep him away from Mia and her kids.

  Nico ran to Nate and grabbed his hand, looking up at him with an almost hungry look.

  I’m not that guy, he wanted to say to the little boy. I don’t dare give you anything. I don’t dare let you into my life.

  Then Evangeline called out again and Nico reluctantly spun around and ran to the house.

  Chapter 4

  “Josh, Nico, we’ve got to get going.” Mia gave Grace’s face a quick wipe as she called up the stairs to the bedrooms above. Though Nico couldn’t talk, nothing was wrong with his hearing and Mia knew he was playing upstairs in his bedroom.

  While she set Grace beside Jennifer, Josh meandered down the stairs. His hair was still neatly combed and, thank goodness, his clothes were still clean.

  “Josh, honey, can you speed it up a little?” Mia tried to keep her impatience from seeping into her voice as she stuffed a couple of diapers into the diaper bag that doubled as a purse and swung it over her shoulder. “We have a long drive ahead of us.”

  Ben Brouwer had pulled a bunch of strings, called in some favors and got her an appointment with the specialist today at eleven a.m. in Calgary, an hour and a half drive away. She was so glad to be finally doing something for her son.

  The past couple of days she had been either talking on the phone with insurance agents, taking care of her children who were out of sorts at the changes in their lives.

  She also tried, as much as possible to cook and clean, making Evangeline’s life easy as a way of thanking her for giving her a place. It
felt like so little to do but Evangeline and Denny were very appreciative of everything and kept assuring her she could stay as long as she needed to.

  As for Nate, Denny had apologetically told her that he preferred to eat in town. He’d also been busy during the day out in the far pastures fixing some fences for Denny so she hadn’t seen much of him the past few days.

  Which was just as well. Nate was a distraction she couldn’t afford to indulge in.

  “Josh, did you hear me?” she called out again as she managed to pick up Jennifer and drop her on her other hip, hoping the girls would be okay on the long trip there and back. It would have been easier to get a sitter but Mia hadn’t found someone to watch three children.

  Not that she tried so hard. Since the fire she had been feeling overly protective of her children and didn’t want them out of her sight.

  Josh, however, had adamantly stated that he didn’t want to make the long drive but she had bribed him with the chance of a treat when they got there.

  Finally Josh made an appearance, slouching down the stairs, his body language clearly expressing his resistance to making the long drive ahead of them.

  “Is Nico coming?” she asked Josh as she picked up Grace as well.

  “He’s not here,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice. “He went outside when you were in the bathroom. When you were changing Grace.”

  Outside? Alone.

  Mia had not let Nico out of her sight since she came here.

  Panic streaked through her. There was a creek on the ranch. Nico loved water.

  She charged outside, Grace and Jennifer bobbing on each hip, Josh barely keeping up with her. Her panicked gaze swept the yard when she got to the van. All she saw was buildings and fences. All she heard was the soft breeze in the trees surrounding the farmhouse. Denny was off to work and Evangeline had taken Ella to town for a doctor’s appointment.

  “Did he say where he was going?” Mia asked, setting Jennifer in one car seat, clipping her in one-handed.

  “He’s not talking, remember?” Josh said, giving her a frown.

  Her mind raced as she ran around the other side of the van, secured Grace in the car seat and plopped a pacifier in her mouth. Nico had stuck around the house so good the past couple of days. Why was he wandering now?

  “You stay here, sweetie,” she said to Josh. “And don’t move. Mommy is going to look for Nico.”

  Thankfully, Josh just shrugged, got into his booster seat and started playing the handheld Nintendo he’d found in the house.

  She left the door of the van open as she called Nico’s name, her voice sounding shriller each time.

  “Nico. Where are you?” She called again, desperation filling her voice. Dear Lord, don’t let him be by the creek, she prayed, one hand on her chest as she ran across the yard. Please let him be okay.

  She paused a moment, listening again for something.

  “He’s over here.”

  Nate’s voice. Coming from the barn beside the horse corrals. Obviously he wasn’t working on the fences today.

  Relief mixed with concern blended with a touch of anger. Why hadn’t Nate brought him to the house?

  She stepped into the barn, momentarily blinded as her eyes adjusted to the darker interior.

  She blinked, looking around and then she saw Nico. He sat on the floor of the barn, leaning against the wall, petting Socks. The dog’s ears perked up when Mia came close and his brown eyes studied her, but he didn’t leave Nico’s side. Nor did Nico look up at her, his hand slowly stroking over the dog’s head again and again.

  Mia pushed her hand against her still-racing heart. A door creaked and Nate came out of a stall, looking surprised to see her there. “You okay?” he asked, his voice still holding a faintly hoarse note from the smoke of the fire.

  His hair was neatly brushed and his cheeks still seemed to shine from his recent shave. He wore a tan shirt today and clean blue jeans. If possible, he looked even better than he had the last time she saw him.

  “Yeah. No problem. Just fine,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand, but she couldn’t stifle her concern at the sight of her son here. Nico didn’t bond quickly with people.

  His connection with Nate, though understandable given that it was Nate who rescued him, was worrisome, especially after listening to Denny talk about Nate the past few nights. Turned out Nate was a loner who worked as a ranch hand over the winters and ran the cutting horse circuit all summer. A free spirit. Disconnected.

  Certainly not the kind of man she could allow her children to become attached to. Especially not Nico. Especially not now.

  “I didn’t know Nico was here. I’ve been looking for him.” Her panic was slowly being replaced by annoyance. “I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment in Calgary in a few minutes.” She glanced at Nico, who seemed to be ignoring her. But she knew from the way his hand slowed its rhythmic petting of the dog that he hung on every word they spoke.

  “Sorry. I didn’t know,” Nate said, closing the stall door behind him and latching it shut. “I would have brought him back to the house otherwise.”

  “I would appreciate it if you could do that next time he comes out here,” Mia said, her request coming out more sharply than she intended.

  “Sure. I get that.” Nate reached for some lengths of rope and sat down on a nearby hay bale between her and Nico. “You heard your mom, sport,” he said, addressing her son as he started to braid the three strands together. “You shouldn’t come out here unless your mother knows.”

  “That’s not what I was getting at.” Mia lifted her head to hold Nate’s dark gaze. For the tiniest moment an unexpected combination of fear and attraction thrilled through her.

  Too easily she recalled how it had felt to be held by him the other day. That surprising feeling of safety and support she hadn’t experienced in a long, long time.

  She thought a few days away from him would have eased it off, but it was as strong as ever. Swallowing hard, she looked away, suppressing the foolish reaction, then squatted down in front of Nico. “Honey, we have to go. We need to be in Calgary in the next hour and a half for an appointment.”

  Nico raised his head to hold her eyes for a scant second then shifted them to Nate, as if seeking his approval.

  Mia fought down her agitation, aware of the other kids waiting in the van. The importance of making the specialist appointment hung over her like a cloud, yet right now she had to tread cautiously with her son.

  So she placed her finger under his chin, to make him turn his eyes back to her. Thankfully, he gave in right away and she eased off. “Sweetheart, I know it’s nice to be here with Socks,” she said, forcing herself to talk quietly. Slowly. Deflect the focus of his trip to the barn from Nate to the dog. “I know you love dogs and you haven’t seen Socks for a few days, but right now Jennifer and Grace and Josh are waiting for us and I don’t want Jennifer to start crying because she misses us.”

  Nico blinked and he opened his mouth and for a heart-stopping moment Mia thought he would speak. But his mouth worked, open and shut, but nothing came out. Not even the tiniest squeak. When she saw the shimmer of tears in his eyes, she drew him close. “Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. You’re safe. The ranch is a good place.”

  She stifled her fear at how close she had come to losing him. But she couldn’t stop herself from looking up at Nate, who watched them through narrowed eyes as his hands worked the rope.

  He put the rope aside, crouched down beside Nico and laid his large hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You should go with your mother, buddy. She needs your help right now.”

  Nico sniffed, nodded and then scrambled to his feet. He gave Nate a curt nod and, without another glance at Mia, left the barn, Socks trotting along behind him.

  Though Mia was thankful for Nate’s assistance, it bothered her that Nico responded to Nate more than he had to her.

  “Thanks for that,” Mia said as she got up.

  “Just trying to help,” he said, ho
lding his hands up in apology.

  “I know that and I appreciate it.” She hesitated, torn between her need to get going and her need to draw boundaries for her children.

  Then he started coughing and her resolve wavered as she was reminded of what he had risked for the sake of her son.

  He’s not the kind of man you can let your children connect with. Denny said he would be leaving and that leaving will cause Nico and Josh too much pain if they get too connected to him.

  Annoying as she was, sometimes Other Mother was right.

  “You know that I can’t thank you enough for saving Nico’s life,” she started, watching over her shoulder as Nico stepped into the van.

  “Please. Don’t say any more. Anyone would have done the same.”

  “I don’t know about that. However...” she hesitated, feeling ungrateful in spite of her words of thanks to him “...I am concerned about Nico and how attached he seems to be to you.”

  Nate’s eyes narrowed and Mia wasn’t sure how to read him. For the sake of her son, she kept going.

  “Nico has a lot to deal with right now and I’m afraid that...that if he gets too attached, too connected, he’ll get hurt when you go.”

  “Why do you say that?” His eyes still held her but his voice sounded grim.

  “You’re only here until your horses heal up, and then you’re leaving, right? Denny told me that.”

  Nate nodded, affirming what she already knew.

  “When my husband left, it took Nico a long time to get over that.” For six months after Al had left, Nico slept with Mia, afraid to be on his own. He had cried then, loudly at times. It broke Mia’s already bruised heart. Now she almost wished he would cry again.

  Make any sound at all.

  “And now the aftermath of this fire—” Mia’s voice broke and she pressed her lips together, feeling another piercing stab of grief for her family’s loss of business and home. She looked away from Nate’s piercing gaze, took a steadying breath and soldiered on. “I am worried that Nico is too strongly connected to you now. I don’t want him hurt when you leave, so I would appreciate it if you could discourage him from spending time with you, somehow.”