Ever Loving

by Carolyne Aarsen

  The heavy silence following her request made her regret what she had said, but it was what she had to do to protect Nico.

  “Sure. I get it.” Nate looked away from her, bent over and grabbed the rope he had dropped. “You’ve got to take care of your kids. Keep them safe.”

  That was her only reason, she reminded herself as she hesitated, wishing she didn’t feel like such a heel. “I know you rescued him and I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am—”

  “You don’t have to thank me anymore,” Nate said quietly, settling down on the hay bale, his eyes on the rope he was braiding. “We’re good.”

  Mia hesitated a moment more, still not entirely happy with how things had gone down, torn between what Nate had done for her and what she had to do for her children.

  He looked up at her and for the space of a heartbeat their eyes met. And for the space of that same heartbeat she felt it again. That glimmer of appeal. Of attraction.

  Stop this. Quit this right now.

  But she couldn’t look away.

  “You should go,” Nate said finally, twisting the strands of rope together. “You don’t want to be late.”

  She nodded her acknowledgment then without another word, left.

  But as she walked across the yard to her van, she wondered if her warning to Nate was as much about herself as it was about Nico.

  Chapter 5

  Don’t watch her leave. Keep your eyes on what you’re doing.

  But it was as if Nate’s practical mind and his lonely soul weren’t communicating as his eyes followed Mia walking across the yard.

  Her slender frame looked too fragile to carry the responsibility of four children, but he had seen the thread of steel running through her. The fact that she warned him away from Nico bothered him on one level and yet, at the same time, created a sense of admiration.

  This was a woman who put her kids’ needs first.

  Something his mother never did.

  He shook the foolish thoughts off, grabbed a pail of oats and headed outside to the corrals. He had been headed out to feed them when Nico had come into the barn. Instead, he’d had a one-sided conversation with the boy while he cleaned out Tango’s stall. And then Mia showed up.

  Nate poured the oats out for his other horses, spacing the piles far apart to keep them from fighting. Nola munched at her oats, lifting her head from time to time to make sure the other horses kept their distance. Nate walked around her, grimacing at the scratches that marred her golden coat. “Hey, girl,” he said, running his hands over her expanding belly. “I’m excited to see your foal. Should be a real goer. But can you wait until we get settled in Montana before you have it?”

  She nickered again, as if agreeing with him, then put her head down and continued eating, crunching at the oats.

  Nate checked out the other horses, touching them, reminding them who was in charge. Before he entered the barn he stopped, looking behind him at the snow-capped mountains that edged the ranch feeling a twinge of envy at their beauty. While he was fencing he had a hard time keeping his mind and focus on the job. His eyes kept drifting to the mountains.

  His brother had ended up with a prime piece of real estate thanks to his deal with Evangeline’s father, who had owned it previously.

  He was happy for Denny, though. Nate knew how bad Denny felt after his divorce with his first wife that had cost the loss of the ranch that Nate and his foster sisters had seen as a place of refuge. A place he felt safe. At the Norquests’, he never had to worry about someone striking out at him for no reason. Locking him up in the basement for days on end.

  And now, with the death of the man who had hurt and tormented him so often and in so many ways, Nate felt free. Though the letter tucked in his back pocket mocked that very freedom.

  Nate spun around and strode into the barn, tossing the pail aside, struggling once again with memories that had, for the most part, been eased away with the unconditional love of Denny’s family. They had introduced him to faith and had shown him a better way to live. His stepfather was nothing to him. He would take nothing from him. Ever.

  Mia pushed the stroller back and forth, thankful the girls still slept, equally thankful she could get the large stroller into the counselor’s office. Josh sat beside her immersed in his computer game. In the small room just off his office, she heard Dr. Schuler talking to Nico.

  Please, Lord, let something good come from this, Mia prayed. She could use some good news. The girls were out of sorts and she knew a lot of it had to do with being yanked out of their routine. Josh was uncharacteristically cranky.

  Tomorrow she had to deal with the insurance company, and her conversation with the agent yesterday hadn’t been encouraging.

  Please let the doctor have figured out how to help Nico.

  The door creaked open and Dr. Schuler stepped out. With his blond goatee, longish hair, plaid shirt and faded blue jeans, he looked more like a West Coast logger than a therapist. But Mia wasn’t going to quibble about his wardrobe choices. Dr. Brouwer had had nothing but encouraging words for this man.

  Nico came out behind Dr. Schuler, clutching a handful of papers covered with the same colorful drawings as the papers Dr. Schuler carried. Mia suspected those pictures had been the main source of communication between them.

  Dr. Schuler gave Mia a smile that she could only construe as encouraging. Then he stopped at his desk, laid the papers down and hit the intercom button. “Nancy, could you come into the office and take Nico and Josh to the playroom for a few minutes?”

  A short, portly woman bustled into the office and squatted down in front of Nico and Josh. “I have a fun race-car set I would like to show you,” she said. “Do you want to come and see it?”

  Josh needed no encouragement, but Nico glanced at Mia, who nodded her assent. Only then did he leave.

  The door closed behind them and the silence that followed it seemed ominous. Even the twins seemed to sense it and were absolutely still.

  Mia stifled her nerves, turning back to Dr. Schuler.

  “So I’ve had an interesting session with Nico,” Dr. Schuler said as he tapped the stack of papers in front of him. “I understand both from Dr. Brouwer and from the pictures he made for me that he survived a fire?”

  Mia nodded, her guilt over not being there plunging like a dagger in her heart as she clutched the stroller, pushing it back and forth, back and forth, the faint squeak of the wheels echoing in the office.

  “Yes. I was gone. I wasn’t there. That’s why he and Josh were alone.” The words burst out of her and, as she had the past few days, had to fight down another surge of remorse and self-condemnation.

  He was quiet a moment, studying her. Then he leaned back in his chair, giving her a gentle smile.

  “It wasn’t your fault, you know,” he said. It was as if he could read her mind.

  “I should have been there.”

  “And if you were, how do you think the scenario would have turned out?”

  Mia was silent, regretting her sudden outburst. She was here for Nico, not herself.

  “Do you think you could have gotten four children out on your own?”

  His probing questions adjusted her thoughts.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t take on burdens you don’t need to carry.”

  She gave him a ragged smile. “I thought we were here for Nico.”

  “We are. And you are Nico’s mother. And it’s just as important for Nico that you find your way through this tragedy.” Dr. Schuler returned her smile, his hands resting on his desk, leaning forward just enough that she felt his concern.

  “Well, I wouldn’t call it a tragedy,” she murmured, still pushing the stroller back and forth.

  “I would. You lost your home and your business. Your livelihood. Each is a stressor on its own. On top of what you are dealing with Nico, you might want to look at getting some counseling yourself.”

  “Drumming up som
e business for yourself?” she managed, using humor to hold back her own concerns.

  Dr. Schuler grinned but said nothing a moment, just holding her gaze.

  “Not my specialty,” he said. “But I just felt I needed to address your issues as well.”

  Mia eased out a sigh, glancing over at the twins, still fast asleep in their stroller. “I don’t know if I have time for issues.”

  “I guess I just want to emphasize that it’s important you find a way for our own self-care. And, again, remind you that what happened was not your fault.”

  His emphasis put things into perspective for Mia. Reluctantly, she nodded, accepting the quiet wisdom he was giving her.

  “Back to the boys. Josh and Nico came through with minimal physical damage and for that you can be thankful. However, as far as Nico is concerned, Selective Mutism is not uncommon in a child as young as Nico after a very traumatic event. It will go away, but it takes time and it takes giving Nico space to let us know what he wants.”

  “And what do you suggest?”

  Dr. Schuler laid out the papers he had taken with him and leaned his elbows on the desk. “Could you have a look at these? Tell me if you recognize anything in them.”

  Though the pictures were crudely drawn, Mia had seen enough of Nico’s drawings to recognize what he was trying to portray. The first paper was covered with orange and red flames and in the middle of them stood a stick figure of a man wearing a black cowboy hat, a feather stuck in the band. The cowboy stood beside a smaller figure. The next picture beside it was of the same man, riding a horse. The man wore the same cowboy hat. Another picture showed, what Mia guessed, was the same stick figure. He stood by a horse, again, but a little boy rode the horse. Another picture depicted the same thing.

  “Is there anything, other than the ubiquitous man with the black cowboy hat with the feather, that you notice about these pictures?” Dr. Schuler was saying.

  Mia stifled a yawn as her eyes flicked over the pictures but she couldn’t find what Dr. Schuler wanted her to see. “Sorry. My brain isn’t working properly today.”

  “I’m sure it’s had enough to think about. I just thought you might see something I might have missed. But I wanted you to notice two things. The man has all his features—face, eyes, nose, mouth, and hair. The little boy only has eyes. No mouth.”

  “Indicative of his lack of speech,” Mia guessed.

  “I would guess the same. And you can see that in each picture it seems to me the little boy is looking at the man. Is he familiar to you in any way?”

  Mia slowly released her breath through pursed lips, thinking of Nico’s actions of this morning. “A man named Nate rescued Nico from the fire. He’s the foster brother of the man whose ranch I’m living on. He wears a black hat with a feather in it. I’m sure he’s the figure in the picture. But he’s a horse trainer and he’s only passing through. Temporary.”

  Dr. Schuler tapped his fingers on his desk, as if thinking. “You sound concerned.”

  “I am concerned about my son’s attachment to him,” Mia said, looking at the other pictures Dr. Schuler had brought along. All of Nate and Nico and horses. “This morning, before we came here, I found him with Nate in the barn. Nico doesn’t form attachments quickly, so yes, it concerns me. It took him months to get over his father’s defection. I can’t afford to let him get attached to someone who will be leaving within the next couple of weeks.”

  “I understand and I appreciate that. However, your son seems to have formed a strong connection to him and to his horses. I am presuming the connection with Nate started with the rescue from the fire. I am wondering if we couldn’t find a way to utilize this connection?”

  “Even if he’s only temporary?”

  Dr. Schuler nodded slowly, taking in what she was saying. “I guess you could say I’ll only be temporary as well.”

  All that Dr. Schuler said reinforced Mia’s own concerns about Nate, but it didn’t negate the reality of Nico’s seeming connection to him.

  “So what’s next?” she asked.

  “Another visit, obviously. We’ll have to set up some type of schedule. This will take time and patience to deal with. As for the man in the pictures, is he trustworthy?”

  The man had put his own life on the line to save Nico and Josh. He and Denny seemed to have a close relationship. Any of Mia’s concerns about Nate and Nico were not because of Nate’s character. But because of his circumstances.

  “I believe he is,” Mia said.

  “Would you consider working with him and Nico. Possibly some supervised visits?”

  “He lives at the same place we do. His brother owns the ranch we’re staying at.”

  “Then having him spend some time with you and Nico might be a possibility. He might be able to draw Nico out somehow. As well, given that Nico seems drawn to his horses, that could be another point of connection that you and this man could work with.”

  “We can figure out all we want,” Mia said, “but if Nate isn’t willing to help out, then we’re no further ahead.”

  “If he’s not, then we’ll have to explore other avenues. Maybe the horses that also feature prominently in each picture could be a vehicle for his recovery. But for now, this man seems to be an important point of connection.” Dr. Schuler leaned forward. “I fully understand your concerns and under any other circumstance I would feel the same. But to me, Nico’s mutism is wound up with this man. If, somehow, you could work with him and Nico, as well as his horses, we might see a breakthrough.

  “If we can even simply establish a connection with Nico and the horses that might be enough to mitigate any concerns that might come up when this man, Nate, leaves. How do you feel about that?”

  “I’m still not comfortable, but of course, I’ll do anything for Nico.”

  “Of course you would,” Dr. Schuler said with a smile as he leaned back in his leather chair. “You strike me as a loving and caring mother.”

  Grace started squawking and Mia jiggled the stroller to settle her down.

  “One thing for next time—I would like to spend some time with you one-on-one during the next visit. You’ve been through just as much as the boys.”

  Mia waved off his concern as she turned the stroller around to check on the girls. “I’m fine. I just need to get through the next few weeks.”

  Dr. Schuler gave her a thoughtful look, as if trying to see into her soul.

  “Really. I’m okay,” she insisted.

  “The offer stands. Think about it.”

  “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.” She got up and slung the diaper bag over her shoulder. Thankfully, Grace had settled again.

  “Stop at the reception area,” Dr. Schuler said. “I’m fully booked up for next week, but hopefully you can get in after that. From there on we can set a weekly visiting schedule.”

  “Sure. Thanks so much for seeing me today. I appreciate you taking my son on such short notice.”

  “I look forward to seeing what we can do for him.” Dr. Schuler got up and walked around the desk to the door to open it for her. “This is temporary. You need to know that. We can help your son. I am hoping this Nate man will be willing to help.”

  Mia’s thoughts ticked back to the conversation she had just had with Nate this morning. How she had asked him to stay away from her son. Now Dr. Schuler was suggesting she ask for his help?

  She thought of Nico and shook her head. One step at a time. For now, get home. Then you can figure out how to deal with this.

  Chapter 6

  “And how have you been feeling, Jeff?” Evangeline asked as she passed him a bowl of salad. “Since the fire?”

  “I’m fine,” Jeff said, brushing off her concern.

  “You may be, but you’re still a little hoarse.” Angie glanced at Jeff sitting beside her at the long, wooden table in Denny’s kitchen. Mia and her children took up one end, the adults the other. The full table reminded Nate of the dinners at the Norquests’. Lots of people and shared jokes
, laughter and conversation.

  Jeff just grinned at her as he heaped a generous helping of spinach salad on his plate. “A little hoarse? And here I figured you thought of me as a little puppy. Chasing after you.”

  Everyone groaned at that awful joke.

  “We’re thankful you and Nate could do what you did,” Denny said. “And glad you both could join us for dinner. Our way of showing our appreciation.”

  “I know I can’t thank you enough,” Mia said quietly from her spot at the end of the table. “You and Nate.”

  Though she mentioned him as well, Nate didn’t get a look like the adoring one Angie bestowed on Jeff.

  “I understand you’re out of your home, too,” Angie said, turning to Evangeline. “When will you be able to open the store?”

  “The insurance company will be done with their investigation tomorrow so I’m guessing in the next few days,” Evangeline said. “I just wish Mia was having an easier time dealing with her insurance company.”

  “You get the service you pay for,” Mia said, though Nate heard the frustration in her voice.

  “Now that you and Jeff are here,” Evangeline was saying, “what do you think about having book club here instead of at the store? We’ll have to move the date by about a week, but would that work?”

  “Sounds good to me. I love coming out here,” Angie said.

  “You could come, too, Nate,” Evangeline said, drawing him into the conversation. “I know you read the book. I saw you taking it out to the barn this morning.”

  Nate shrugged her comment off but out of the corner of his eye caught Mia’s surprised look. Yes, I’m literate, he wanted to say. “I’ll think about it. If I’m still around.” So much depended on Tango’s recovery which was going slower than he hoped.

  “And how was your visit to the therapist today, Mia?” Denny took another helping of casserole, passing it on to Nate. He waved it off and passed it on to Jeff, who seemed to be enjoying everything that came his way.