James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

Kenneth I’m just seeing where it is . . . (approaching) Darling, the Uber’s here. I’m not rushing you –

  Louisa looks out from the booth – it’s clear she’s a little upset under her steely reserve.

  Louisa One minute.

  Stephen Sir, don’t disturb other voters.

  Kenneth She’s not another voter, she’s my wife.

  Stephen Perhaps you would like to take a seat –

  Kenneth There’s no need, she’s coming –

  Louisa (stepping out of the booth, forcefully) Look. I am going to have just a couple of seconds over here, to myself, quietly, just for once, with my own thoughts in peace, and so you’re going to have to decide to be OK with sitting there, quietly, just for once, in peace as well. Without, for once, constantly being on, staring at or playing with your bloody phone. Alright?

  Kenneth raises his hands in defence, and sits on the bench.

  Stephen Is everything . . .?

  Kenneth Yeah, she just. Had a. Thing this week. Her dad. She’ll be . . . having a. Moment. Everything I say is the wrong, like . . . (sighs).

  Louisa I can still hear you, Kenneth.

  Kenneth I’m sitting, look. Sat. Quiet.

  Louisa takes a deep breath in the booth, calming down.

  Laura (quietly to Kirsty) So, about the whole erm –

  Kirsty Look. I think you might just have to do a Frozen and Let It Go.

  Maria (Comes to the issuing desk from polling booth) Uh, you can tell me . . .

  Kirsty Everything you need to know should be on there.

  Maria Sorry. Erm, it’s . . . How do you say . . . (Portuguese) ‘Estou a procura do candidato socialista.’ (‘I’m looking for the socialist candidate’.)

  Kirsty What language is that?

  Maria It’s Portuguese, I’m just –

  Stephen (with his phone) I’ve got the translation line on the phone.

  Kenneth Is it like a dentist’s, anything to read?

  Stephen (on the phone) 2 . . .

  Kenneth Country Life or something?

  Kenneth begins tapping his knees, bored.

  Stephen (on the phone) 5 . . . Yes . . . (with the phone, to Maria) Here, speak to them. Then pass back to me.

  Maria (taking the phone) Uh it – music.

  Stephen Yes, you’re on hold.

  Kenneth Wait, how come she’s allowed to use her phone?

  Stephen Well because that’s – my phone.

  Maria (still with the phone. To Stephen, in Portuguese) ‘Qual é o equivalente ao Partido Socialista.’ (‘Who are the Partido Socialista equivalent?’)

  Kenneth Uh, (repeating Maria) ‘Partido Socialista’, she’s looking for the –

  Stephen You speak Portuguese?

  Kenneth No, Spanish. Well, just bits and . . . (Spanish) ‘Cómo vas a tener un voto si –’ (‘How do you even have a vote, if . . .’)

  Maria (Portuguese) ‘Oh, o meu pai é Britanico, nunca o conheci. Dois passaportes, mas sempre vivi em Portugal. Tu podes dizer-me qual destes é o candidato socialista?’ (‘Oh, my father was British, never met him. Two passports, but always lived in Portugal. Can you tell me which one the socialist candidate is?’)

  Kenneth ‘Socialista’, I think she wants to know which is the socialist candidate.

  Laura Oh crumbs, well that’s a minefield.

  Maria ‘Nao me digas que nao ha un Partido Socialista.’ (‘Don’t tell me there isn’t a Socialist Party.’)

  Kirsty Just say there isn’t one.

  Kenneth (Spanish) ‘Diría que lo más cercano possible es el Partido Laboral, o el Verde.’ (‘I would say the closest is possibly Labour, or Green.’)

  Stephen What are you saying to her, no, sorry, you can’t be giving advice.

  Maria (hears someone on the phone. Portugese) ‘Ah, olá, sim . . .’ (‘Oh, hello, yes . . .’)

  Kenneth I’m not, I’m just translating.

  Stephen (taking the phone) Hello, can you tell her we’re not allowed to give advice, we’re very sorry. (Handing Maria the phone.)

  Kenneth Born here, grew up there. Dual passport. She said.

  Maria ‘Obrigada.’ (handing the phone back to Stephen.)

  Kenneth (Louisa leaves the booth.) Ah, right.

  Maria Thank you. (She saunters to the booth.)

  Stephen Impressive. Spanish. Go on a lot of holidays, do you?

  Kenneth Oh, I had a . . . we work in finance, we I had a . . . out there, during the . . .

  Louisa Yes, my husband is one of the ones you read about who did well out of the whole thing. Shorting the debt, etcetera. You’re probably the reason she’s here actually, trying to find work. Funny old world.

  Kenneth You needed that much time to put a cross next to the same people you always put a cross next to?

  Louisa Yes. I did. Can we go or would you like to try out your cod Spanish on any other young girls?

  Kenneth I wa – . . . they asked me!

  She leaves.

  And now she’s gone. Right. (He exits after her.)

  Fred comes back into the room.

  Fred Joe?

  Kirsty Oh you are kidding me.

  Fred Joe?

  Alan returns from outside.

  Alan Oi whoa there, fella. Stephen, it’s no biggie, just that the exit pollster said it’s the third time this chap has been in, I think he’s a bit . . . you know.

  Stephen Oh yes. He was in earlier. Sir?

  Alan They even said he’s claimed to have voted twice.

  Kirsty/ Laura No –

  Alan Well, no, of course. It’s alright, it’s OK, I’ll sort this. (To Fred.) Come on, sir.

  Fred goes out with Alan. Voter 6 enters, Kirsty processing it under:

  Laura (privately) Stephen –

  Kirsty Laura, Laura, no . . . (to the Voter) Could I have your polling card, please?

  Laura OK Stephen, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. But that gentleman. (Aware of the Voter.) When he came in, a second time, we . . . I accidentally gave him another sweet. Even though you’re only allowed one.

  Stephen You . . . (thinking he gets it . . .) You gave him two sweets? You . . . gave him two sweets.

  Alan re-enters with Fred, holding Fred’s phone.

  Alan Come on then, sir. Back inside. Not really getting sense out of him, but I’ve got his phone. I’ll look for a home number or emergency contact. OK for him to stay in here while I try?

  Stephen A-huh, yeah . . .

  Alan exits, leaving Fred to wander around the polling station.

  Laura It was my fault, he gave me someone else’s name –

  Stephen So, OK. OK. So there’s . . . OK.

  Kirsty I nearly fixed it on my own by getting Gerry to put a red sweet in the jar, which is the opposite of a blue sweet, or I thought it was. But then Laura explained it wasn’t because it’s only red sweets and yellow sweets that are popular in this jar, so then I tried to get Lucas to eat a yellow sweet, I mean pick a yellow sweet, or like, drop a yellow sweet in, but he erm . . .

  (As Voter 6 leaves.)

  Well then he spoilt his ballot paper so there’s still one in the box that shouldn’t be there.

  Laura Kirsty –

  Kirsty She don’t care!

  Stephen You . . . this man actually – had two sweets? That . . . that’s . . . shit.

  Maria passing by towards the box, overhearing.

  Maria (hearing this, laughing) Ha. ‘Shit’. I know that word. It’s very good.

  END OF PART II:

  Theatre Only 2

  Maria exits.

  Stephen slinks over to where Fred is . . .

  Stephen You say blue – his two sweets, were blue. How do you know that?

  Kirsty Well, we heard him. ‘Labour isn’t working’. He said.

  Stephen You’re basing all of this on! – right. Right. First things first, Mr – Norris, is it? Laura,
maybe we could get a cup of tea?

  Laura Yes, yes, right, I’ll – yep.

  Laura exits into the main school building.

  Stephen (to Fred) Hello.

  Kirsty (to Fred) Hello.

  Fred Hello.

  Fred sits next to Kirsty.

  Stephen I’m Stephen. I’m – responsible, for this polling station. And this is Kirsty, a poll clerk.

  Fred What’s that?

  Stephen This is – hah, this is, it’s awkward, because . . . there are no rules for what to do really, but there is one big indisputable rule about what not to do, and that’s never ever ask a member of the public who they voted for. So I can’t ask you.

  Fred Ah.

  Stephen I can’t – ask you. So, here we are. A bit of a pickle. (A moment.)

  Fred You know who was on my first . . . first ballot? Churchill. (Laughs.) Woodford, Essex, his local erm . . . his local erm . . .

  Stephen That was his constituency.

  Fred Yeah, his . . . 21. I was. ‘Winston Churchill’. Saw it. Right there.

  Stephen Wow. That’s quite something. I suppose only a very lucky few of us ever get a chance to actually vote for the actual leader of the country.

  Kirsty Or unlucky, depending on your . . .

  Stephen And that was – what year would that have –?

  Fred 1951.

  Stephen ‘51, yes of course.

  Fred That was a surprise. Turfing him out, after the war. Unbelievable.

  Stephen Yeah, that must have been . . . yeah.

  Fred Atlee, next. Then he came back, didn’t he? Churchill. Second time. Then Eden after him. Suez. Terrible. Never should have happened . . .

  Stephen I see. Disappointed you, did it?

  Fred Beautiful wife.

  Stephen As a . . . I mean . . . as a Conservative, you were . . .?

  Fred Me? Nah. ‘Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party!’ Haha.

  Stephen Haha. Yes. Have you?

  Fred Of course he changed – didn’t he? Churchill, crossed over the erm . . . When you cross the erm, ‘cause he used to be Liberal.

  Laura (returns, with a cup of tea for Fred) Here we are, lovely and warm, ish.

  Beat as Fred drinks his tea.

  Fred Close, then, this one? Here?

  Stephen Close?

  Fred Always been Labour.

  Stephen The seat? Yes, most often.

  Fred No, me. Labour. My old man, union man.

  Kirsty So you voted (to the box) . . . oh God.

  Fred Didn’t think I’d get to vote twice, though. That’s new.

  Stephen Yes. Yes, it is. I’m sorry if there’s been any confusion.

  Fred Confusion? No. No.

  Alan (returns) Someone picked up, one of the numbers. Niece, I think. I have his address, she’s gonna meet him there.

  Fred Oi, that’s mine. (Referring to his phone.)

  Stephen Are you OK to walk home, sir?

  Fred (standing) Might come back again, get another.

  Stephen (aware of Alan) Well. Stranger things, and all that.

  Part Three

  Alan (leading Fred out) Come on then, guvnor. He only lives down the road. I’ll walk you home, how’s that, part of the service.

  Fred exits with Alan, waving bye to the staff. Stephen joins Kirsty and Laura at the desk.

  Stephen Thanks, Alan. OK, so, at some point – at some point, Kirsty – we need to have a conversation about forcing family members to vote when they wouldn’t normally have done, in a marginal constituency –

  Kirsty OK, yep, but –

  Stephen But for now we have to deal with the fact that Mr Norris, we’ve discovered, put in an extra (looking around, self aware) – ‘red’ – vote. Not blue. So that when you got your husband to put in an extra red sweet as well, you were in fact adding to, not cancelling out, a red vote, sweet, vote – leaving – I’m not angry, I’m not, it’s just – that leaves two reds that wouldn’t otherwise have been in there. So –

  Kirsty So, just hypothetically, if we could cancel out those two reds with two yellows? That would –

  Stephen What we need to do, Kirsty, is appreciate that if a discrepancy is discovered in the box, and the box gets removed from the count, and the count gets delayed, the constituency can’t be announced –

  Laura Oh, that would be – that would look, really bad if it’s us who delays –

  Stephen I’m not concerned with how it looks, Laura,/ I’m concerned with –

  Laura (over Stephen) – in the closest election of our life where one seat might, might, literally make a difference between majority, minority, coalition –

  Stephen Leading to instability, uncertainty, market wobbles, war, plague, disease, death, yes, thank you, I get the picture, so –

  Kirsty Look, there’s no ‘discrepancy’, every ballot is accounted for on the register, and by the way it was Laura who gave him two bloody sweets in the first place.

  Stuart Coghlan has arrived at the desk. He appears a little dazed by something.

  Kirsty Hello.

  Stephen Hello –

  Kirsty (taking Stuart’s polling card) Thank you. ‘818’.

  Laura (handing him his paper) ‘818’, there you go. (He’s distracted, looking at the posters in the school.) Sir, are you?

  Stuart What? Oh, uh . . . thanks.

  He goes to the booth.

  Kirsty But realistically – nothing is ever, you know, ‘that’ close.

  Laura Sometimes. Thurrock was decided by four votes last time. Four.

  Simon Featherstone, the school caretaker, arrives, jangling keys.

  Simon Alright?

  Kirsty Oh. Simon! The mythical caretaker returns!

  Simon I’ve just seen the door, what the hell?

  Stephen Where were you this morning?! You weren’t here –

  Simon I told that lassie, at the council.

  Stephen I don’t know anything about that.

  Simon My daughter, had to rush her in. Hospital. False alarm in the end; her mother was the same, way back when, to-and-fro like a yoyo. I told the wife’s brother to come and open up.

  Stephen Well he didn’t.

  Simon Yeah he’s a bit of a chump, truth be told. (Referencing to the corridor.) I dunno how I’m going to close up, later . . .

  Stephen Well we have to lock it at 10, new regulations –

  Simon You’ll be lucky.

  Stephen It’s not that bad is it, the door, let’s – take a look. (To Kirsty and Laura.) Just . . . gimme a . . . and we’ll . . . (He exits with Simon.)

  Laura Oh God oh God, I feel terrible.

  Kirsty It’s alright, I’ve texted my brother-in-law, he’s not voted yet either –

  Laura What, Kirsty, no, please, stop –

  Kirsty (a little gasp) Wait. Ohmygod. I’m an idiot. That’s it.

  She starts going down the register.

  Laura Wait, who are you looking for?

  Kirsty Ssh, no one.

  She makes a mark next to a name.

  Laura Whow, what are you doing?

  Kirsty Ssh. Nothing. S’all above board.

  Laura Oh no, you can’t do that . . . oh, but you’re doing it.

  She writes a number on the corresponding number list – as Simon enters, walking through the space.

  Simon Right mess. (Sighs.) Don’t you want chairs?

  Kirsty Yes, we do, but there was no one here to open the cupboard this morning, was there.

  Simon Oh ay, that’s right. (He exits.)

  Kirsty My neighbour, she got called away today, her mum was sick or something, Northampton, so she won’t be able to come and vote – that’s not fair is it?

  Laura Well –

  Kirsty But she always, she always . . . picks a yellow sweet, she used to be on the council of yellow sweets.
She’s got a poster in her window of the local yellow sweet!

  Kirsty hops over to the ballot box and drops it in.

  Laura (yelps, nervously.)

  Kirsty So! That cancels one out; two good deeds with one stone. You’re welcome.

  Simon (re-entering with a chain) I hear it’s really buzzing north of the border, you know? Where the balance of power may well lie this time, ey? Of course it makes no difference to me. I can’t have my candidate on the ballot down here and I didn’t even get a vote up there in the big one last year. So what can I do? I’m a political refugee. Am I on there actually? Simon Featherstone?’

  Kirsty Er, what’s erm, your address?

  Simon Well, here, the school, obviously, I’m the caretaker.

  Kirsty You’re on the register, yes. Here.

  Simon Right, well let me think if I can be bothered. (Going off with the chain.) This won’t fix it, but it’ll hold for now. Can’t help but think it’s a metaphor for something, ey?

  He goes to exit, passing Howard Roberts, an independent candidate, entering cheerily, looking around.

  Howard Alright? (At Simon.) Hello, there. Independent candidate, on the ballot.

  Simon A-huh. (Exits.)

  Howard Howard Roberts, independent candidate, hi, good to see you again Kirsty. Time flies, ey? Another year.

  Kirsty Oh. Yes, it’s – ‘Howard’ right, the erm one-way, system, guy.

  Stephen returns.

  Stephen Oh, Mr Roberts. Hello.

  Howard Howard, please. Here to cast my vote. For ‘myself’. As ever.

  Stuart is walking through the space with his ballot.

  Howard Just straight over there, sir, many thanks.

  Stuart Thank you.

  Howard Howard Roberts, independent. Against the one-way system round Morrisons.

  Stephen Howard –

  Howard (pointing at his slogan) ‘One way? No way!’

  Stephen Howard, you can’t influence voters in the polling station –

  Howard My mistake, take it back.

  Stuart drops his ballot paper into the box, nearby.

  Kirsty (to Howard) Can I have your polling card please?

  Howard Most certainly. Et voila. (Hands his polling card to Kirsty.)

  Kirsty processes Howard.

  Simon returns.

  Simon Right, that chain will work around the handles come 10.

  Stuart (To Simon.) You work here? In the school.

  Simon No, I’m a mature student, mate, detention.