James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Stuart D’you know a wee lad called Harry. Harry Coghlan, he’s six.

  Simon I don’t know any of their names, mate.

  Stuart Little painting, out in the corridor. Just his ha – . . . his hand.

  Stuart struggles, and has to turn away . . . a moment in the room, no one knowing what to do. Until:

  Howard (to Stephen) ‘Course, it can be difficult for people to park, can’t it, with the one-way system, honestly, I don’t know why it was ever allowed. Well I do, money, of course. As ever. Still, I shall persist. Three elections on the trot now.

  Simon Anyone needs me, in my office.

  Stuart exits through the front, Simon into the back.

  Laura (handing Howard his ballot paper) Here you go.

  Howard Thank you, although I’d like to hold off, if I may, just to eke out the – you know. The – ‘thing’.

  Stephen (checking his watch) Bit late this year, Howard, aren’t you?

  Howard Oh I just thought it might be more interesting, coming at night, new sorts of people. Real people, you know.

  I understand that Mr Abudu might also be coming ‘about’ this time. Nice to get some pics outside as an accidental result, with the old fourth estate.

  A police officer, Chika Devan, enters.

  Chika (to Stephen) Mr Crosswell, is it?

  Stephen Yes.

  (Laura stands.)

  Chika (handing over the ballot paper) The guy who removed this ballot paper from the polling station, I believe you called it in. He was over the road in the pub, like he said.

  Alan returns from outside. Howard wanders towards the voting booths. Some noises outside, journalists, questions.

  Alan Wonderkid’s here, just having a few pics. I did myself a disservice, it’s paid off, holding back till later. It’s like One Direction out there.

  Howard If you’ll forgive me, it’s ‘one direction’ all around the town centre now, courtesy of some poor local planning, Alan.

  Alan Oh. Er. ‘Howard’. Right. Hi.

  Howard Still got your hand in the game, I see, after all these years.

  Stephen (to Chika) Did he put up any struggle, the guy? If he’s planning on coming back, I just have to be aware, for my staff, if he’s been drinking and –

  Chika No not really, huffed and puffed a bit. Sounded like he was just settling a bet with his mates, or something. I wouldn’t worry, didn’t sound like he was coming back, they’ve all gone off for a curry. I’d be happy to stick around for the next 30 though, if that’s . . .

  Stephen If you wouldn’t mind, that might be –

  Chika’s radio makes a noise, some chatter. ‘225 receiving Met Control.’

  Chika ‘Scuse me (checking in on her radio) 225 calling – go on.

  Kirsty That won’t be necessary, will it Stephen?

  Chika (into radio) Yeah, that’s all received. (returning to Stephen) Sorry, I have to check in on a polling station over near Vauxhall, some kids have tried to drop a match near the ballot box.

  Kirsty Oh my God (to Laura), see that’s a crisis.

  Adeyami Abudu, the Conservative candidate enters, having had photos outside. Alan follows, guiding him.

  Adeyami Hello everyone, hi. How are you?

  Alan Here he is, man of the moment.

  Chika I’ll try to pop back before 10.

  Adeyami (to Chika) Oh, hi, thanks for all you’ve done today, your entire – uh, ‘team’, across Lambeth. Really.

  Chika Oh, you’re welcome. (She exits.)

  Adeyami (to Stephen) Sorry I’ve come so late. My wife would have liked to be here too, but she’s gone to grab 20 minutes at home, don’t blame her. Today’s been . . . But, good turnout? Up, down, on last time, you reckon?

  Stephen Hard to tell, to be honest. Hopefully up.

  Adeyami and Alan have a quick look – perhaps hoping for the opposite.

  Adeyami Yeah, well –

  Howard (moving in for a handshake) Mr Abudu, we meet again.

  Adeyami (seeing his rosette) Oh, er –

  Howard We did the radio debate together in March. The one-way system?

  Adeyami Right.

  Howard Well, may the best man win. Only joking, I normally only get around 350, 380. If I break 300 this year I’ll be happy, what with the votes being so spread. People say it’s good, don’t they, break up the big party monopolies, but actually for people like me, it’s harder to get heard, you know.

  Laura (handing Adeyami his ballot paper) Mr Abudu, it’s a real pleasure.

  Adeyami Thank you. Ooh, who to vote for . . .

  People laugh politely.

  Howard If you need a tip, I have one! Haha.

  Slightly less polite laughter.

  Adeyami wanders from the desk, looking at his ballot paper.

  Howard Take it I’ll see you at the count later, Kirsty? As per. My favourite bit, actually, standing on stage.

  With Adeyami by Stephen. Studying his ballot.

  Adeyami I’m, um – actually a bit, I dunno. Moved, if that’s not a silly thing to say. Just, seeing my name there. First time.

  Stephen Yes I can imagine. Well, actually I can’t, but . . .

  Adeyami God, my mum and dad, they’d . . . I don’t know what they’d say. Laugh, probably. Couple of Nigerian teachers, nothing to lose . . .

  Stephen . . . I’m sure they’d be very proud.

  Simon returns, with three chairs.

  Simon Here. Chairs.

  Laura Ooh, brilliant, OK.

  Howard Let me help.

  Under the ensuing, Kirsty and Laura replace their pommel horse with the chairs.

  Adeyami I know I won’t. You know. This seat. It was always going to be a bit of an ask. But. It’s a start, right?

  Funny, looking at it. I’m just one of . . . (counting) eight names. Equal size, alphabetical order. Forget, don’t you. Nothing stopping you putting a cross against – anyone. It looks so – fragile, here. Like, anything could happen. A revolution. But there never is. Nothing extraordinary ever happens.

  Or maybe that’s not true anymore. Maybe this time . . .

  Alan Come on then, Adie, tick-tock, (looking at the clock) polls close in 35.

  Adeyami goes to the booth to vote.

  Howard I might as well exercise the franchise as well, then, ey? Two candidates, together as one.

  He takes his ballot from Laura and goes to the booth. Adeyami is away first, putting his paper in the box.

  Adeyami There. God speed. See you at mine?

  Alan Yeah (with a blue ribbon), I’ll stick around to the end, put the old blue ribbon on the box once it’s sealed –

  Adeyami Kiss for good luck. (He kisses the blue ribbon.)

  Alan Uh, sure. (Bit weirded out by that.)

  Adeyami Bye, everyone, keep up the good work.

  Stephen Let me help you with the local scrum.

  Alan ‘Once more into the breach’ . . .

  Stephen leads Adeyami out, with Alan, passing by –

  Simon That’s my mug, by the way. (Exits.)

  Margaret Tann, entering out of breath. Kirsty’s face drops.

  Margaret Oh, thank God, I wasn’t sure I’d make it.

  Kirsty (forced smile) Oh Margaret! Hello.

  (Pointedly.) La-ura. This is Margaret. My Next Door Neighbour.

  Laura (forced smile) Oh-oh. Hi-i . . .

  Kirsty I thought you were in Northampton, with your mum?

  Margaret Oh no, she’s fine, just a bit shook up. I’ll go back tomorrow, I just thought, one, didn’t leave the recycling out for collection like an idiot, and two, didn’t get a chance to vote. So – here we are. Oh hell, I don’t have my card thing.

  Kirsty That’s OK. I, uh . . . I ‘know where you live’. Ha.

  Margaret God, I’m sorry about this, I rushed here from the station and I’m desperate for the loo, you don’t have a little girls
’ room, do you?

  Kirsty Oh, er, yes, just down that corridor, along there.

  Margaret (going) I suppose it actually is the little girls’ room, primary school, ey.

  Margaret exits. Stephen enters through the front.

  Stephen OK, so –

  Kirsty/ Laura (leaping up) Stephen, look / listen / there’s –

  Stephen Whoa, what?

  Kirsty We’re going to have to talk really fast so listen, look, so my neighbour got called away today, right, to Northampton, or was it Southampton, one of the hampton’s anyway, which meant she couldn’t vote and if she’d had time I know that she would definitely have made me her proxy to vote for her, and also she is a big and I mean big Lib Dem, I don’t mean she’s big I mean like her support for the Lib Dems is big, and so I thought because it would also cancel out one of the two reds that shouldn’t be in the box, I thought I could just cross her name off and vote for her, which is what I did, I voted for her. Honestly, it’s not as bad as it sounds.

  Stephen Yes it is.

  Kirsty Is it?

  Stephen It’s a criminal offence.

  Kirsty Yes, but not really.

  Stephen Yes, really. It’s conspiracy to fraud.

  Kirsty Is it.

  Laura And, you missed the teeny but quite important bit about her neighbour turning up and being in the toilet about to come back and vote.

  Stephen . . . OK. (Beat. Covers his face with his hands.) OK.

  Kirsty Apart from that, which we’ll fix. On the plus side,

  that’s one I’ve cancelled out, and I’ve got my brother-in-law coming down to cancel out the other one, so we are peachy.

  Stephen Jesus, would –! . . . OK, first things first. Kirsty – number one, please stop voting.

  Kirsty I was just trying to help.

  Stephen Number two –

  Colin Henderson – Kirsty’s brother-in-law – walks in.

  Colin Hi, Kirsty.

  Kirsty No.

  Colin You wanted me to come vote Lib Dem or something –

  Kirsty No, go away!

  Colin But you said –

  Kirsty/ Stephen GO AWAY!

  Colin, baffled, turns straight back around and goes away.

  Kirsty Well, what are we going to do about Margaret, she doesn’t have a ballot –

  Laura Stephen? The ballot paper the police officer brought back? The drunk guy’s? Where is it?

  Stephen removes the ballot from his pocket.

  It’s accounted for, crossed off the register. The box would still balance with the book.

  Kirsty (little gasp) And she eats yellows! She’ll put an extra yellow in the jar, and we’d be all square, that’s perfect –

  Stephen No, no, it isn’t perfect, Kirsty.

  Laura But if, if we did this, it would all appear all fine. Wouldn’t it. Stephen? And that’s what’s the most – to maintain people’s trust in the whole – the integrity of the –

  Margaret re-enters.

  Margaret Sorry about that, I’m just never going to pay to use one in a station, it’s the end of the civilised world, that. So. My slip?

  Kirsty (sitting, uncertainly) Uh, OK. Yes.

  She makes to begin looking down the register.

  Oh. Well . . . this is very odd. It seems that there is a line already through your name . . .

  Margaret There’s a line through my name? How can that have happened? You wouldn’t have marked my name off, you know me.

  Kirsty Yes, I know, I can’t . . . I literally can’t think of a good enough explanation for that. Stephen?

  Stephen (beat. Trying to assess the situation.) Erm . . .

  Margaret So what’s going on then, how did it happen?

  Kirsty I must have just crossed off the wrong name, I’m sorry, long day. Is there anything we can do about that, Stephen?

  Stephen Erm . . .

  Margaret I mean it matters this year, doesn’t it, it’s a bloody marginal, and I used to be a councillor. It’s bad enough I wasn’t around to help today, I was meant to be a Teller down in Penge.

  Kirsty And that’s the Lib Dems, isn’t it –

  Stephen Kirsty, you can’t ask a member of the public –

  Margaret It doesn’t matter whether it’s Lib Dems or the Monster Raving bloody Loonies, I have a right to vote, Kirsty, now where is it?!

  Stephen (galvanising, formal) Could I ask to see some identification, please.

  Margaret What? She knows me. Least I thought so, crossing my name off, maybe not –

  She begins going through her bag – Stephen uses this opportunity to take the spare ballot paper that Chika returned and place it on the desk in front of Laura, on top of the other ballots.

  (With some I.D.) Here.

  Stephen Thank you, Mrs Tann. That’s perfect. I, erm . . . I see what’s happened here, my apologies, and that’s no problem. We can issue you with a ballot. Here.

  Margaret takes the ballot from Laura and goes to the booth.

  Margaret (returning from the booth) What’s this? Got a stain on it. Looks like the ring on a pint glass, I’m not having that. What is this?

  Laura Well as I’m sure you’re aware, from your time as a councillor, once a ballot has been issued, it cannot be reissued, so that is now your ballot, I’m afraid, that’s your ballot.

  Alan (returning, rubbing his hand) God, they couldn’t bloody get enough, flash, flash, flash. Course, I’m not an idiot, I know why. ‘Cliché Tory’, he ain’t. Bodes well for him next time, though, safer seat.

  Margaret Actually, I’m really not happy about this.

  Alan What’s the problem?

  Kirsty There isn’t a problem.

  Howard (stepping out of the booth – indignant) There is a problem, actually.

  Kirsty Oh my God. Howard, you . . .? You’ve been in there this whole . . .?

  Howard It’s tantamount to fraud, I’m sorry.

  The three staff glance at each other – the game is up. Until:

  Stephen OK . . . OK . . . Howard –

  Howard The tag line under my name. How we all get a tag line? Look at this. Howard Roberts. Independent. See, the punctuation’s wrong, it should be ‘One way’, question mark, ‘No way’, exclamation mark, they’ve put the exclamation and the question mark the wrong sodding way round so it, it’s ‘One Way! No Way?’

  Stephen Right.

  Margaret Hello?

  Howard That’s fraud.

  Alan Howard, that isn’t fraud. Personation is fraud, coercion is fraud, stealing a vote is fraud – no one here is going to jail for poor punctuation. Stephen?

  Stephen Yes.

  Margaret Hello!

  Howard But it completely changes the meaning, doesn’t it? ‘One way! No way?’ Like it’s a question. It’s not a question, it’s a statement. ‘One way? No way!’

  Stephen Yes no, I do see –

  Margaret Excuse me –

  Howard It should be ‘One Way? Question. ‘No Way!’ Answer. On this, the inflection goes up at the end, now? Like I’m a flipping Australian. ‘One way! No way?’

  Alan I really think it’s fine, Howard.

  Howard It loses all of its power, like I’m not firmly against it. Sounds like I’m relatively sanguine about the whole bloody thing, like I’m a hippy stoner or something. ‘One way. No way?’

  (to Margaret) Here, how would you pronounce that?

  Alan Stephen?

  Howard (to Margaret) Read that aloud.

  Margaret (reading it) ‘One Way! No way?’

  Howard See?

  Margaret (taking her ballot paper to the booth) Oh forget it, I’ll just use this.

  Claire – a voter with restricted growth – enters.

  Claire Hi Stephen.

  Stephen Erm. Claire. Hi. How are you?

  Howard I want to speak to someone. It’s rotten to its core, th
is.

  Stephen (to Howard) Fine, as a candidate, I suppose we could put you straight through to Anita, if you really –

  Howard Yes, I really.

  Claire (handing in her card to Kirsty) How’s it gone today?

  Stephen Erm . . . Fine, did – how was work, today? Council – survive without me?

  Margaret has voted and is leaving.

  Margaret I still don’t really understand. Is there someone I can speak to –

  Kirsty Yes, I’ll pop round tomorrow.

  Margaret I mean an official –

  Kirsty I am an official, Margaret, I’ll come round Tomorrow.

  Margaret sighs again, and leaves. Claire is heading to the booth.

  Stephen Oh, wait, Claire, we have a . . . some assistance – (making to leave)

  Howard Stephen? Anita?

  Alan Oh, look, just, use my phone. I have her number, for emergencies.

  Howard Thanks, Alan, I’m taking this all the way to the top, they’re not going to get away with this.

  Stephen exits through the back. Alan on his phone.

  Alan It’s going to voicemail.

  Howard Give it to me, I’ll leave a message.

  (takes it and heads out) Anita. Howard Roberts, Independent. I’m really not happy, you know. What does this sound like to you. ‘One way’, exclamation mark . . . (Exits.)

  Alan Oh God, let me try and sort him . . .

  Alan exits after him. Stephen returns with a step, placing it in the booth.

  Stephen There.

  Claire Thanks. Are you – OK? Look a bit . . .

  Stephen Yeah, no I’m – fine. It’s actually just nice to see a – friendly face, it’s . . . been a bit of a day.

  Claire goes to vote, and then walks towards the ballot box. Stephen Would you like me to –? (Post the ballot.)

  Claire No, that’s fine. My civic duty, got to do it myself haven’t I? Even if it’s just symbolic.

  She posts her ballot.

  Nice shirt. Today. Good choice. I always wondered actually, do you plan ahead, in your laundry cycle, the week before? (To all of them.) For your ‘polling day’ outfits. Smart, but not too smart. No party-political colours. All that.

  Stephen Uh, I su-suppose, a bit, maybe. Yeah.

  She looks at Kirsty and Laura who try to smile politely . . .

  Claire Christ, normally this time of the day, you’re all properly de-mob happy, so close to the finish.