James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

Charlie Chaplin appears on screen as – like Champagne Charlie before him – a ‘vagrant’ aspiring to be a gentleman. Bowler hat and cane. Funny work.

  Sutch begins to imitate him. His silent clowning, and his walk, growing in confidence.

  Lord Snooty in his elite school uniform comes face to face with Sutch, here 11 years old, who enters and stands next to Sutch without them noticing each other at first.

  Lord Snooty places his violin down, and removes The Beano from his pocket to read.

  THE BEANO

  Harrow, early 1950s.

  Snooty Oh. Hello.

  Sutch (sees him, surprised.)

  Snooty Can you talk? Lord Snooty, a pleasure.

  Sutch (finding his voice) . . . I – . . . I’m David. David Sutch. How’s it going me old cocker, alright?

  Snooty Oh gosh, frightfully sorry, I don’t speak – wherever it is you’re from.

  Throughout, Sutch is partially distracted, imitating and practising his ‘Tramp’.

  Sutch Me, I’m from just down the road (pointing one way).

  Snooty Really, well so am I (pointing the other).

  Sutch You’re from Harrow? Nah! Why you dressed like that, then?

  Snooty This is my uniform. ‘The Harrow School.’

  Sutch Mine’s Percy Road. What’s that?

  Snooty (holding up an instrument case) This?

  Sutch Yeah.

  Snooty It’s my violin.

  Sutch A violin?! Wow awh brilliant, can I have go?

  Snooty Oh, I . . . it’s actually quite delicate, I’m afraid, sort of an heirloom. Passed down to me, you know, terrorifically fragile. My father says ‘There are those born to listen, and those born to play . . .’.

  Sutch My father doesn’t say anything, he died.

  Snooty Oh . . . Well. Circulus Vitiosus.

  Sutch What’s that, German?

  Snooty Latin.

  Sutch What country’s that, then?

  Snooty It – isn’t a country, it’s a language.

  Sutch Oh, where’s it spoken?

  Snooty Erm. The past.

  Sutch Oh.

  Snooty Your school doesn’t have Latin?

  Sutch Our school don’t have a roof. Bloody Germans.

  Snooty What about your school motto, that must be Latin. What’s the phrase your Headmaster repeats at Assembly all the time?

  Sutch ‘If I’ve told you once, David Sutch, I’ve told you a THOUSAND TIMES! –’

  Snooty Ours is Stret Fortuna Dormus. ‘Let the fortune of the house, stand.’

  Sutch I don’t know why I weren’t allowed to go to your school, it’s right by my house. I think my teachers have given up on me. I just muck about mostly.

  Snooty Muck about? Gosh, that sounds fun . . .

  Sutch I do impressions.

  Snooty Impressions? You mean like sketches of things, etchings?

  Sutch Pfff, no! I mean like being and acting like, I don’t know, Mr Hickinbottom, I do a good one of him, behind his back. (‘Posh, nasal voice’). ‘I say, turn to this, and multiply that, find this on the map, remember that came after that’.

  Snooty I must say that’s terribly funny without even knowing the chap. I’m sure I wouldn’t dare. Some of the greatest Prime Ministers attended Harrow, you know, though. Stanley Baldwin, Lord Palmerston, Winston Churchill.

  Sutch I saw Winston Churchill once!

  Snooty No!

  Sutch Yeah.

  Snooty No!

  Sutch Yeah! Honest to God, on Kilburn High Road, he was looking at the rubble and the holes where we live.

  Snooty Did you meet him?

  Sutch Nah, but he looked at me, least I think he did. Scouts honour. (As Winston Churchill.) ‘We must fight them for their peaches.’

  Snooty (laughs) You really are very funny, you know.

  Sutch Really. Am I? Awh. Well. Maybe I’ll be Prime Minister one day, then.

  Snooty Oh, I shouldn’t think so. It isn’t something one just decides.

  Sutch Oh that’s where you’re wrong, cause we won the war, see? And they’re saying that gives us a ‘head start’ over everyone else. A chance to rebuild everything, from the ground up, a ‘clean slate’. Even my mum says she feels younger these days. Like anything is possible. We just need to have ‘a good old clear out, and start again’.

  Snooty Well. My father says the most important thing is – tradition. (Looks at the violin in his hand.)

  Sutch I’m gonna find my own instrument. There’s loads o’ second-hand stuff you find lying around these days. I can form my own orchestra, or troupe, or band!

  Snooty Well if it were up to me. But, like I say. It’s about those who listen, those who play . . . (Exits.)

  Sutch No it isn’t . . . oh no it isn’t!

  An echo, as the lights flicker . . . ‘Oh yes it is!’

  PANTOMIME

  Annie Sutch (Dame Trot from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’) hops on to cymbals crashing.

  Annie Hello boys and girls!

  Oh you can do better than that, I said HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS!

  Ye-es, that’s better. How are you all then, enjoying yourselves at the back there? Why, what you doing?

  So what do you think of my new dress, then, do you like it? Yes? Everything’s made by me, oh yes. Apart from my bra of course. Yes, I call this my American bra.

  Yes, one yank and it’s off.

  Course we had a lot of American soldiers just down the road during the war. Oh yes.

  She makes lots of hot under the collar motions, wafting herself with a bit of paper.

  What’s this – oh, a royal proclamation from the King! That’s King Rat-Lee. Clement Rat-lee to his friends, yes. Don’t look at me, I didn’t write it.

  ‘The Beveridge Report’, did you get one of these? Yes, a bit of politics coming your way, love, strap yourself in.

  Let’s have a look. ‘Our plan for a New Britain.’ Ooooh I say. How to slay the five ‘evil giants’ – get a load of this. The five giants are, ‘Squalor, Ignorance, Want, Idleness, and Disease’. They sound more like Snow White’s dwarves after a night out, don’t they?

  Beveridge Report, pff, no there’s only one ‘Beveridge’ I like. A nice stiff one. And there’s not been much to ‘Report’ on that front lately, I can tell you.

  No cause I’m afraid to say, boys and girls that I am . . . very lonely at the moment. (Waits for the aarhs.) Lonelier that that. (Waits for the bigger aarhs.)

  Yes, it’s just been me and my boy David since my dear old husband William died in the war. Mm. Came off his bike down the High Street. He was off to his Warden Station, he was. He hit a pothole and that was it. Oh he was a clumsy one, my husband, I tell you something, if there was a hole to be found, my Willy was straight in there.

  And now David’s threatening to go off and leave me too, find his fortune, but there ain’t no such thing, is there? Oh it’d break my heart if he left.

  Sutch (off) Mum?! I’m home.

  Annie Quick, he’s coming. You lot, you have to help me make him stay, right? Will you do that, boys and girls?

  The audience respond. Annie looks in one direction off stage, as Sutch enters from the other.

  Sutch (as ‘Jack’) Mum?

  Annie (in the wrong direction) David, is that you? Where is he boys and girls?

  A bit of shtick as they move around the stage, not seeing each other, as the audience presumably continue with the ‘He’s behind you’ routine.

  Annie Oh there you are, David my love! Give your mum a kiss, then. (They kiss with big ‘mwahs’.)

  And what do you say?

  Sutch I’ve missed you, Mum.

  Annie And?

  Sutch I love you Mum.

  Annie And?

  Sutch And I’ll never leave you again.

  Annie There’s a good boy. So, what news from the market?

  Sutch All bad news today, I�
�m afraid. Prices. (Reading.) Eggs are going up.

  Annie Well that’ll surprise a few chickens.

  Sutch The milk’s gonna be late this week, too.

  Annie That’ll cause a few sour faces.

  Sutch But the navy are going out of their way to bring in some sugar.

  Annie Ah how sweet.

  Now then, David, how much did you get for our cow Daisy, down the market?

  Sutch Oh wait till you see what I got, Mum.

  Annie I’ve got a bad feeling about this, haven’t you boys and girls?

  Sutch (returns with a washboard and a stick) Ta-dah.

  Annie What the bleedin’ heck is that?!

  Sutch You can turn it into an instrument. To make your own music with! Watch. He showed me.

  (He has a go – badly.)

  Well, I can’t really remember, but he said it’s all the rage, you don’t have to spend a wodge on a bit of brass from Mr Macgregor’s shop. It’s called ‘Skiffle’, anyone can do it, come all the way over from America.

  Annie Oh well, it would, wouldn’t it? Don’t talk to me about Americans, David; there’s a lot that they bring over that you can’t shift.

  A bit of fidgeting with her dress, hot and bothered.

  Sutch I just have to practise, that’s all.

  Annie Oh, that’s lovely, David. Only thing is, of course – we’ve already got one! We’re meant to be clearing out all our junk; getting in brand-new stuff. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. You need a father figure, that’s what.

  And God knows, I’ve been trying.

  Sutch Well, there’s always Uncle Benny. I like it when he comes over, to fix things, around the house, late at night, in your bedroom, with the door locked, and –

  Annie (throaty and guttural now) Don’t you talk about Uncle Benny.

  Sutch stares off into the ‘distance’. Perhaps some music . . .

  Sutch I just want to make something of myself, Mum, that’s all. They’re building a bright future out there. And you don’t have to be a Lord anymore, or a Duke, or a Baron to enjoy it anymore. I just need to work out what I’m going to be. Who I’m going to be. My place in the world . . .

  Annie Trust me, love. Staring out the window and dreaming ain’t for the likes of us. It’s one of the hardest things we have to learn, but learn it we must. To know our place. Why don’t you get your old job back? Nothing wrong with that factory, it’s where your dad worked, and his dad, and your Uncle Ben – . . . I said don’t you talk about Uncle Benny!! –

  Sutch I want music and laughter and – colour. I want to go to London.

  Annie We’re in London.

  Sutch London, London. Soho, Piccadilly, the King’s Road. Where the streets are paved with gold.

  Annie It’s the wrong fairytale, David.

  Sutch I can do it, Mum, I can.

  Annie No I mean literally, that’s the wrong one, we’re doing Jack and the What’s – it, and that’s . . .What’s – it, Whittington.

  Sutch You’re thinking of Dick.

  Annie I SAID DON’T TALK ABOUT UNCLE BEN –! (Stops, fans herself.)

  Sutch I’m doing it, Mum! I’m sorry. But I have to try! (He runs off.)

  Annie But David! David! Oh! (To an audience member.) Fat lot of good you were! You, see me afterwards. Dressing Room 1. Is that your missus? She can wait in the car, keep the engine running, we won’t be long. Goodbye, boys and girls.

  She exits, waving, nearly bumping into –

  The Band play the novelty work song ‘Right Said Fred’ as Workmen move furniture about.

  Band ‘Right,’ said Fred, ‘Both of us together One each end and steady as we go.’

  Tried to shift it, couldn’t even lift it We was getting nowhere

  And so we had a cuppa tea and

  ‘Right,’ said Fred, ‘Give a shout for Charlie.’ Up comes Charlie from the floor below.

  After strainin’, heavin’ and complainin’. We was getting nowhere

  And so we had a cuppa tea.

  And Charlie had a think, and he thought we ought to take off all the handles. And the things wot held the candles.

  But it did no good, well I never thought it would!

  Sutch (singing George Formby) ‘Now I go window cleaning, To earn an honest bob

  For a nosy parker it’s an interesting job. Now it’s a job that just suits me

  A window cleaner you would be. If you could see what I can see

  When I’m cleaning windows.

  BEDROOM FARCE

  A bedroom in a guest house – a wardrobe either side of the bed. An entrance door on the other wall, a window at the back. Pauline, an American girl, lies in bed. Mrs Nichols the Landlady enters.

  Mrs Nichols Oh, I am sorry love, you’re in bed.

  Pauline That’s alright, Mrs Nichols. I’ve not been feeling too well, that’s all.

  Mrs Nichols Oh? Oh, shame. Dicky tummy? ’Ere, I hope it weren’t them kippers, I didn’t like the look of them when I saw ’em, but I thought, well, waste not, want not. I was just looking for that window cleaner, you haven’t seen him, have you?

  Pauline No, I’m afraid I haven’t.

  Mrs Nichols There’s some more blankets in the wardrobe, I’ll fetch them –

  Pauline (urgently). No, if you wouldn’t mind just closing the window, perhaps?

  Mrs Nichols Oh yes of course dear.

  Mrs Nichols moves to the window – as she does, back turned to the room, Sutch collapses half naked out of the wardrobe, hits the floor, grabbing his clothes, rolls under the bed, out the other side, up and into the opposite wardrobe, closing the door.

  Mrs Nichols I knew he was no good, that window cleaner. Long hair. You see them now, these young lads with long hair, terrible. (Out the window.) Oh! He’s left his ladder! It’s here. Right up to your window, he’s just left it.

  Pauline Strange.

  Mrs Nichols His hearse is still there, as well!

  Pauline His hearse?

  Mrs Nichols Oh I know, don’t. He drives a funeral hearse, no idea why. Very peculiar. So, visiting the American base, did you say? That’s nice. Got a young fella there, have you?

  Pauline Yes, he’s a pilot. Been in Germany, he’s back on leave.

  Mrs Nichols I know, I’ll make you up some raspberry vinegar –

  Pauline Oh, no, really, that’s –

  Mrs Nichols No, trust me, dear, my old mum swore by it, you just rest – oi and if you see that window cleaner, say I want him to give yours a good seeing to.

  She exits, slamming the door. Sutch collapses out of the wardrobe and gets back into bed.

  Sutch Blimey, that was close. Mean old thing. What’s wrong with my long hair? I started this, you know, John Lennon nicked it clean off me, God’s honest truth, scouts honour. So, ‘Pauline’ was it? You’ve got a boyfriend then? Don’t suppose he’d be too happy with (whistles), all this, ey? Did I mention I was an aspiring musician?

  Pauline And here’s me thinking you’re a window cleaner who drove a hearse.

  Sutch Oh that. Only thing I could afford. But I am a bit into the old macabre, me. Zombies and monsters. ‘Ere, you wanna know who the real Zombies are – (at where Mrs Nichols exited) that lot. The ‘living dead’, just following all them what came before ’em. We’re gonna break that spell. Make our own moves, find our own sound. (Strums an air guitar.) Mwowwwww!

  Pauline But I love all the old things here. We don’t have any history.

  Sutch Pff, well, that’s all we have. I want a future.

  Pauline I – I don’t normally do this, you know. You’re like ‘Peter Pan’, come to steal me away through the window. The Boy Who Won’t Grow Up. (Holding his hand – looking at it.) You have a birth mark.

  Sutch Oh that’s not a birth mark, no. That was Churchill. He was walking up Kilburn High Road, and he saw me, and he came over to me, came right up to me, and tsssst. Dr
opped his cigar into my palm.

  Pauline I don’t believe you.

  Sutch Would I lie? What about you – any birth marks? (Tickling her under the covers.) I bet you’re used to strapping confident young American boys, aren’t you?

  Pauline I like your sense of humour, here. It’s a bit – odd.

  Sutch Well, we are a bit odd.

  Pauline You’re – naughtier than I thought. You just bury it. Very, very deep.

  Sutch Oh, I go very deep, me, as deep as you like –

  Pauline (gasps) Someone’s coming up the ladder, quick!

  Sutch jumps into the far side wardrobe as up through the window comes Pilot in flight uniform.

  Pilot (American) Hey, Paul’.

  Pauline What are you doing here?! You’re not meant to leave the base.

  Pilot I snuck out. Didn’t think you’d lay a ladder on for me, that’s nice!

  Mrs Nichols (off, approaching) Alright, dear, here we are –

  Pauline Quick, she can’t catch you, she’ll throw me out.

  Pilot Shoot. I’ll hide in that closet!

  Pauline Yes – no wait! The other one –

  But he’s rolling under the bed towards the far side wardrobe – just as he is, Sutch comes out of that wardrobe, rolls over the top of the bed, and into the other wardrobe, unseen by the Pilot who rolls out the other side and into the far wardrobe, closing the door as Mrs Nichols comes in with a tray.

  Mrs Nichols Raspberry vinegar. Have a mouthful of that, perk you up. Now don’t make a fuss, one swallow, open wide.

  (Feeling her forehead.) Oh dear, you’re burning up now. I’ll fetch a pack of peas up.

  Pauline Oh, no, please, Mrs Nichols, really –

  Mrs Nichols It’s no bother. She exits. Pilot comes out from the wardrobe.

  Pilot Jeez, that was close.

  Pauline You have to go, I mean it. I’ll see you later.

  Pilot But I’m going out of my skin, Paul’, I can’t stop thinking about you. I mean I respect that you’re a good, god-faring, religious girl, but I wish you could bend the rules a little bit. Just for me.

  Pilot is heading out the window and down, as Sutch creeps out of the near side wardrobe.

  Pilot (feeling his head) Oh wait, my cap.

  As he’s coming back in, Sutch ducks down and rolls under the bed.

  Pilot It must have fell off under the bed.

  Mr Nichols (outside, knocking on the door) Miss?