James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Pauline Quick!

  She pushes Pilot into the near side wardrobe. Sutch rolls out from underneath the bed the other side nearest the door, just as Mr Nichols the landlord enters. Sutch hides behind the now open door.

  Mr Nichols Alright, miss, the wife said to bring you up some peas –

  Pauline Oh Mr Nichols!

  Pauline flings herself at him, pulling him back with her on top of the bed to distract him as Sutch closes the main door and rolls back under the bed.

  Pauline Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m all overcome.

  Mr Nichols Miss, please, I’m a married man!

  Mrs Nichols (approaching, outside) Everything alright in there?

  Pauline Quick!

  She pulls the duvet over them, hiding Mr Nichols as Mrs Nichols comes in.

  Mrs Nichols Have you seen Mr Nichols, my dear – I sent him up to give you those peas.

  Pauline No, I’m afraid I haven’t, Mrs Nichols.

  Mrs Nichols And still no sign of the window cleaner. Men, ey? Never around, are they? Why don’t I run you a little bath? There’s towels under the bed.

  As she looks under the bed, Sutch rolls out the other side, hops onto the bed and under the duvet.

  Mrs Nichols Oh, that’s funny, they must be in this wardrobe.

  Pauline (pointing at the window) He’s there! The window cleaner!

  Mrs Nichols Where?!

  She looks out of the window.

  The Pilot leaps out the near side wardrobe, into the bed and under the duvet too. Someone sneezes.

  Mrs Nichols turns round, looking at Pauline, surrounded by suspicious ‘lumps’.

  Pauline Bless me.

  Mrs Nichols strolls to the end of the bed, and slides the duvet off, revealing the men underneath.

  Mrs Nichols Mr Nichols!

  Sutch Oh-oh!

  THE BENNY HILL SHOW

  The ‘YAKETY SAX’ music kicks in, as everyone embarks upon the classic ‘running gag’ – moving at double speed, the men chased by Mrs Nichols around the room, out, back in again, splitting up – one going out, down the ladder, others into wardrobes, the person who went down the ladder comes back in through the door, and so on, eventually resulting in Sutch on his own in the room, collapsing onto the bed, pulling the duvet over himself.

  A band member on a stool, with a washtub bass – a metal tub with a string attached to it.

  Band member The idea is, that anyone can do it.

  Other Band members hand out household items to the audience – spoons, egg shakers, a jug to blow into, a washboard to scrape.

  They say it started in the deep south. You know, slaves. Wanting to make their own music, with anything they could find. So take something, anything from the box, pass it along. If you’ve got something to hit, make this kind of sound. (Demonstrate.) Or shake, this kind of rhythm, (demonstrates). And here we go.

  The band members guide the audience, conducting and directing individuals to play with their ‘instruments’ in time, leading into LONNIE DONEGAN’s song ‘Puttin on the style’.

  Band member (singing) ‘Putting on the agony, putting on the style That’s what all the young folk are a-doing all the while

  And as I look around me I’m sometimes apt to smile. Seeing all the young folk, putting on the style.

  Well a young man and his true love a-going to see the scenes Looking mostly like a bunch of garden greens

  Gingerbread and candy eating all the while

  Going to see the show, boys, putting on the style . . .’

  Part Two

  PETE AND DUD

  From a gallery or in the auditorium itself, Peter Cook brings a pair of pints to sit with Dudley Moore. Eating sandwiches, observing the action.

  Dud What do you make of it so far, then?

  Pete What do I make of it?

  Dud Yeah.

  Pete Oh don’t get me started, Dud, I mean it, it’s scandalous, innit. It’s vulgar, a slippery slope. To what are you referring exactly?

  Dud I don’t know –

  Pete No, well, it doesn’t matter, does it, all going to the dogs, whatever it is. They’re all the bloody same, aren’t they. All in it for themselves.

  Dud Who are?

  Pete Well, whoever, it don’t matter, that’s my point. (At his paper.) See that, we can’t even take back a canal, these days, Dud. In my day, we took whole countries. A bloody canal.

  Dud Maybe we’re worn out from all that taking of all the countries, Pete. Maybe it’s just a small blip on our, as it were, glorious road to recovery. Now that Macmillan’s in, he might sort it all out.

  Pete Now him I like.

  Dud Do yer?

  Pete Yeah I do, shall I tell you why? This. (Referring to his own moustache.) Not afraid of some proper follicular adornments on the old top lip, Dud.

  Dud Oh you mean his ‘tache?

  Pete Yeah, that’s right, his ‘tache, yeah.

  Dud Eden had a ‘tache, though. And Atlee. They all have ‘taches.

  Pete They weren’t real ‘taches – the, the thick brushes of men, no.

  Dud You voted for him then, did you – Macmillan?

  Pete Me, course not. The Tories, no. You wanna hear a Tory about stories –

  Dud What did you say –

  Pete I said – (corpsing a little; smiling)

  Dud (smiles back, in their classic corpsing style . . .)

  Pete You’re smiling already, see, I knew you’d like this one –

  Dud Yeah, funny that.

  Pete A story about Tories. 13 of the cabinet, Dud. 13 of them went to the exact same school.

  Dud Baker’s dozen?

  Pete To the exact same bloody school. Nothing changes, not really.

  Dud (with his newspaper) Oh I don’t know, look at this.

  These kids, they’ve been winding him up, on stage.

  Pete What kids?

  Dud These Cambridge kids, kids from Cambridge University, taking the mickey out of him, in a theatre, our very own Prime Minister, there on the stage.

  Pete You can’t do that, can you? Lacks respect.

  Dud It does, yeah.

  Pete It’s the music, I can’t get my head around, these young people. Screaming and shouting. I prefer the older stuff you can hum along to. (Hums a little something.)

  Dud What’s that one then?

  Pete It’s that Ambrosia Cream advert, innit.

  Dud Oh yeah, that’s good, I like that one, yeah. You know which one I like?

  Pete Which one?

  Dud (singing) ‘All the family love Carnation.’

  Dud/ Pete (singing along as well.) ‘Cause it’s double rich. All the family love Carnation!’

  Dud See they don’t make ’em like that anymore, Pete.

  Peter No, they don’t, no. What’s that one they played when the Queen –

  Dud God bless her –

  Pete Lovely woman, long may she reign – the one what she got coronated to. Honestly sometimes, my memory, I just can’t get a –

  Dud Handel.

  Pete I can’t get a handle on things, exactly.

  Dud I like a bit of piano, me. Whose that, that German fella, played those lovey piano ones, God that takes me, erm –

  Pete Bach.

  Dud That takes me back, yeah.

  Pete I prefer that Polish fella. Nope, name’s gone. Anyway, I can’t stay, I’ve got to go into town and do a bit of –

  Dud Chopin.

  Pete Yeah just pick up a couple of things, you know, stock the cupboards.

  Dud Well you can’t go now, the act’s just starting . . .

  Pete Oh yeah, who is it? Anyone good?

  The lights dim, gothic music begins, horror movie sounds . . .

  Sutch arrives on costume, wielding the axe at punters, as sings/ screams like a madman –

  Sutch (singing) The Ripper, Jack The Ripper The Ri
pper, Jack The Ripper

  There’s a man who walks the streets of London late at night The Ripper, Jack The Ripper

  With a little black bag that’s oh-so tight The Ripper, Jack The Ripper

  He’s got a big black cloak hangin’ down his back The Ripper, Jack The Ripper

  That’s one big cat I just hate to fight The Ripper, Jack The Ripper When he walks down the streets

  Every girl he meets he says; is your name Mary Kelly?

  The lights get cut out.

  THE GOON SHOW

  A radio recording set-up – old BBC mics, and a foley artists standing by. The performers hold scripts.

  Greenslade Forgive us, dear listeners, our airwaves must have been temporarily hijacked, but the calm, soothing, quiet dignity of the BBC has returned. You’re listening to the original talking type wireless Goon Show!

  The band – now the ‘Ray Ellington’ band – play the theme.

  Sutch The Sutch Household, Harrow, Greater London, England, in the dark old days, of 1963. An old woman is making supper, or as they called it in the north, tea, or as they called it in Scotland, lining your stomach.

  Mother, I’m home!

  Annie David, you’ve come home to me! But what are you doing handcuffed to that policeman?

  Eccles Your son has been a very naughty boy.

  Sutch They’ve closed my pirate radio station again, Mother – and they have no right!

  Eccles He’s been twiddling his knobs, he has. And been sticking his antenna places he shouldn’t.

  Annie They should never have cancelled national service, should they?

  Eccles I don’t know, I never watched it.

  Annie We’ll take it from here, Constable. Go on, go on, close that door.

  Eccles OK.

  The FX of a door closing. Beat.

  Eccles Do you want me on the other side?

  Annie Yes –

  Eccles Oh –

  Eccles leaves, closing the door behind him.

  Annie Enough of these fantasies now, David. It’s time to grow up and settle down, here, in Harrow, with me.

  Sutch Nobody settles now, Mother. We’re in the throes of a revolution!

  Bailey and his photos, Marvin with his guitar, Berry and his voice! Me with my . . . with my – well, I’ll find something, you watch!

  Annie You’ve not been the same since you came back from America.

  Sutch Oh, Mother. I went there to find myself, but instead I got lost. Travelling to the West coast along Route 66. All the signs pointed to 8.124 recurring, and that’s when I realised, I’d taken the Square Route of 66 by mistake.

  Greenslade ‘And now – the news.’

  Sutch Wait, I’m not finished yet!

  Greenslade ‘The Secretary of State for war John Profumo has resigned from the government, following revelations about his illicit affair with model Christine Keeler. A bi-election in Mr Profumo’s constituency of Stratford-upon-Avon will be announced shortly to fill the vacant seat.’

  Sutch Wait a minute. A vacancy, did he say?

  Greenslade ‘That’s right, a vacancy.’

  Sutch A position – empty; a role – to be filled. That’s it! . . . Mother! I am going to be – a window cleane –!, no wait –

  Greenslade He’ll get there, just give him a –

  Sutch An MP!

  Eccles By Jove, I think he’s got it.

  The tubular sounds of the next theme as we arrive in –

  HANCOCK’S HALF HOUR

  Sutch (as Hancock) Hhhhhhancock’s Half Hour. Episode One. ‘The Returning Officer’.

  The Returning Officer at his desk. Sutch arrives.

  Sutch (as Hancock) Morning. I’ve come to stand.

  Returning Officer I’m sorry?

  Sutch I’d like to stand, please.

  Returning Officer You . . . you are standing, sir.

  Sutch Oh, good, that was easy.

  Returning Officer Do you mean that you would like a seat?

  Sutch Yes, I’d like this seat.

  Returning Officer My seat?

  Sutch Your seat? I thought the seat was empty, that’s why I wanted to stand.

  Returning Officer Forgive me, sir, do you wish to stand, or do you want a seat?

  Sutch I would like to stand, in this seat. To put myself forward.

  Returning Officer Oh I see, you mean you’d like to put yourself forward to vote.

  Sutch No, I’d – why is this so hard? Is the air thinner up here, in the Midlands? There’s a by-election going on, isn’t there? For Mr Profumo’s seat? Sleaze. Scandal. Degradation of the lowest order. Well, I’d like to join in, please. Here’s my nomination papers.

  Returning Officer You’re . . . (stares at the papers. Stares at him.) You’re standing to become the Member for Stratford? But your address.

  Sutch Yes, 23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam, but obviously if I won I would move to Stratford. I was going to ask, actually, there is a Stratford in East London, and that would be much more convenient for me, cause then I could stay with my mum.

  Returning Officer looks at him. At the papers. And around, for help.

  Returning Officer Uh, I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m not sure what the, the protocol, is. For this. We’ve never had anyone just, just walk in off the street, and –

  Sutch Well, anyone can stand, can’t they? So what do I do, just turn up on the day, then? Is it like giving blood, do I get an orange juice and a biscuit? Feel a bit faint afterwards?

  Returning Officer Which part – . . . are you a candidate for a particular party?

  Sutch I am. The National Teenage Party! (Tapping his form.)

  Returning Officer I’ve never heard of it.

  Sutch Of course you haven’t, I made it up.

  Returning Officer Teenagers don’t have a vote.

  Sutch I know, that’s why I want to represent them.

  Returning Officer Sir, in order to stand you must have two signatories on your nomination papers –

  Sutch I do. Pauline, my friend. Girl. As in she’s a girl, not my girlfriend, but, well, I don’t – we’ve never really, but –

  Returning Officer And Annie Sutch?

  Sutch That’s my mum.

  Returning Officer (beat. Studies him) What are you doing?

  Sutch Is there a problem, sir?

  Returning Officer (standing, sternly) What. Are You Doing? This isn’t a joke, young man.

  Sutch Isn’t it? I thought it was.

  Returning Officer I beg pardon?

  Sutch I thought the whole thing was a joke. You’ve been made a laughing stock of, the whole thing has. And I’d like to be a part of it, sounds fun.

  Returning Officer Do you have your deposit? In order to stand, we require a payment of One Hundred and Fifty Pounds.

  Sutch . . . You what? One Hundred and Fifty knicker? Why?

  Returning Officer It’s to demonstrate that you are serious.

  Sutch But I’m not serious.

  Returning Officer Well then you cannot stand.

  Sutch But I thought that anyone could stand.

  Returning Officer Anyone, technically, can stand. But you have to demonstrate. That you are serious –

  Sutch But I’m not!

  Returning Officer – by paying a deposit!

  Sutch But I haven’t got a deposit!

  Returning Officer Well then you cannot be serious!

  Sutch I’m not!

  Returning Officer Well then GO AWAY!

  Sutch . . . alright. I’ll play your game. Wait here.

  Sutch sticks his fez on and steps into –

  TOMMY COOPER

  Sutch (as ‘COOPER’) Alright ladies and gents, empty bag, nothing inside, before your very eyes, I will magic from inside, a hundred and fifty pounds . . .

  Bag, hand, hand, bag, hundred fifty quid . . .

  He’s about
to start, and then stops to chat, in classic Cooper fashion.

  You know, the other day, I went to vote in the election, and I turned up at my local polling station, soon as I walked in, everyone else waved and left. It was a ‘bye election’.

  I said to the lady there, I said, ‘what do I do, put a tick next to my choice?’ She said, ‘cross, if you wouldn’t mind’, I said (cross) ‘WHAT DO I DO PUT A TICK NEXT TO ME CHOICE?!’

  He grins, inanely. Back to the trick.

  Bag, hand, hand, bag, hundred fifty quid in cash, and . . .

  He reaches in, and pulls out a piece of paper with black and white squares on it. He sighs.

  Cheque.

  Beat. He blows it away.

  Travellers cheque. Ahah!

  Thank you, thank you. Knock knock. I said knock knock.

  The audience – ‘Who’s there?’ Your local candidate. ‘Your local candidate, who?’

  Your local candidate standing to be MP! Just like that!

  CARRY ON CAMPAIGNING!

  ‘The Dirty Duck’ pub, in Stratford.

  The campaign headquarters. David (as SID JAMES) has on a more outrageous and colourful jacket. He’s working on banners/flyers with Pauline – now as BARBARA WINDSOR. Stuart Hughes (as KENNETH WILLIAMS).

  Stuart Ooh I say. You both look so – ‘colourful’.

  Sutch Why thank you.

  Stuart I was expecting you to be more – straight.

  Sutch What are you implying?

  Pauline (holding up two placards, at chest level) Are these big enough?

  Sutch I should say so. (Sid James laugh.)

  Pauline Come on in, then. We’re having a party!

  Sutch No, love, we’ve been over this. We’re forming a party.

  Pauline Have you come to get stuck in?

  Stuart Oh well, I say. I’m Stuart Hughes, I heard all about this on the news, down in Plymouth. I thought it sounded terribly important you know. So, completely out of character, on a whim, I hopped on a train, and – here I am.

  Sutch David Sutch. More the merrier. Come on then, let’s start the march.

  Stuart And where are you marching to, exactly?

  Sutch Oh nowhere, really. Just round and round.

  Stuart (towards outside) I can’t believe that you’ve actually got people to – to follow you. They’re all waiting, outside. Hundreds of ’em, how’d you do it?

  Sutch (shrugs) Dunno really. People have got to follow something.