Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  It’s then that Julia turns her head and sees Elena and Penn walking to the campfire together. They’re walking too close to each other for Julia’s liking, and the suspicion inside her is so strong that she can taste it on her tongue. She can’t stop watching, wondering, hoping to God that Elena isn’t giving in. But if she is, what the hell is Julia going to do about it? She can’t make Elena’s mind up for her. Oh, how she wishes she could, though.

  “How many is that?” Elena asks Cole as she struts over and sits next to him on the blanket.

  Cole’s mouth is stuffed with the last part of the s’more. “It’s only his first one,” Julia answers. Elena looks at her, raises an eyebrow, and Julia responds with, “I promise.”

  Elena sighs before she takes a drink of the beer she’s holding. She leans her head back on the oak tree. “Today was rough.”

  “I thought it went really well,” Julia says. She looks over at Elena, whose mouth is hanging open. “What?”

  “You have literally never done this before. How would you know if it went well or not?”

  “I have a good feeling.” Julia raises her beer to her lips and drinks two long swallows. “Things went well on my side. Maybe you should have worked with me where things were going right.” She really shouldn’t be saying that to Elena right now, especially in front of Cole, but she can’t help it. She really regrets it, though, when Cole pipes up and says, “Yeah, instead of working with that jerk the whole time,” motioning to Penn, who is now sitting next to one of Scooter’s friends.

  “Cole,” Elena’s says. But her voice is soft with not an ounce of discipline.

  “I gotta say, I agree with Cole.” Julia locks eyes with Elena over the top of Cole’s head.

  “Yeah, well,” Elena says, “I think you both need to remember that I’m a grown woman, and I know what I’m doing.”

  Julia waits a beat before asking, “Do you?”

  Cole’s quick to echo with, “Yeah, do you?”

  Elena doesn’t hesitate when she says, “Since when did you two decide that it’s a good idea to band together against me?”

  “Not against you, Mom,” Cole replies. “For you.”

  Elena places a hand on Cole’s face and smooths her thumb over his cheek. “You don’t need to worry.”

  “You promise?” Cole asks, his voice cracking from emotion or the last lingering effects of puberty, Julia isn’t quite sure.

  “I promise.” Her voice trails off, and she looks at the fire, takes a deep breath, and closes her eyes. After she licks her lips, she looks down at Cole. “Cole, dear, would you please go get me a beer?”

  Cole narrows his eyes. “You already have a beer.” He tilts his head. “What’s going on?” he asks.

  “Beer. Now, please.” Elena points at the coolers, and he reluctantly stands and takes off toward them. She looks back at Julia. “Is he really that worried?”

  Julia doesn’t know how to answer that except to be blunt, and she doesn’t think now is an appropriate time to remind Elena that she’s spending way too much time with a woman that left her with no real explanation except for a piss-poor excuse. “Cole loves you, Elena,” Julia says softly, deciding that’s probably the best answer she can give. “You’re his mom, his whole world. And that dumbass over there really fucked you up, which fucked up his world. I think he’s just worried.” Julia looks at Elena and smiles, shrugging. “For good reason.”

  “Penn isn’t going to get what she wants.” Elena sighs deeply, her eyes never leaving Julia’s. “Even if she wants to keep trying.”

  “Does she know that?” Julia asks, her heart full of fear as she awaits the answer.

  “She’s getting the idea,” Elena replies. “Okay?”

  Julia feels her heart skip a beat at the way Elena is looking at her and the sound of her voice. “Okay.”

  “Here you go, Mom,” Cole says, sliding in between them again.

  Julia watches as Elena leans over and kisses him on top of the head.

  Penn’s getting the idea?

  That’s not good enough. What is going to happen if Julia falls for this woman and… Ugh, Julia can’t bring herself to finish that thought. It’s too much. Her guard is already so far down she may as well just throw in the towel, but something inside her shouts to tread carefully. Elena’s not finished with Penn. And Julia has no idea how much fight she has in her anymore.

  Chapter Twelve

  When Julia finally strolls to the dimly lit cabin, it’s way past her bedtime. The whole gang should have turned in hours ago, but the music, the fire, the stories—it was all too great to miss. And knowing that tomorrow is actually a day off makes it way too hard to say no to booze and music.

  She stumbles in through the screen door and realizes that maybe she had a bit too much to drink because dammit, she miscalculates the distance from the door to the bench and just barely misses falling onto the floor. She starts laughing, leaning her head against the wall, and listening to the music still coming from the fire. She left Benjamin and Elijah out there, both insanely inebriated, but they promised they’d be able to find their way inside. Elijah had assured her, though, that even if they didn’t make it inside, they’d be fine outside by the fire all night. She wasn’t sure how either of them was still coherent—especially Benjamin, who had put away the better part of a mason jar of homemade moonshine.

  After she finally toes off her shoes, she thanks God that she had enough sense to actually clean up before going out to sit by the fire because if she had to shower now, she’d never make it. Her body is starting to feel the aftermath of herding. And her backside is starting to feel the aftermath of being thrown onto the ground.

  Julia finally pulls herself up, stretches, and decides to head straight to bed when she hears a soft knock at the door. Dread fills her mind because if it’s Benjamin trying to win her over, she’s literally going to punch him in the face.

  Opening the door, though, and seeing Elena standing there in shorts and a T-shirt was honestly the farthest thing from her mind. She smiles, pushes open the screen door, and notices the way the air seems to get lighter when Elena enters the cabin. They exchange no words, just the looks of two people who aren’t sure what the other is thinking.

  When Julia shuts the wooden door, the noise from it latching is so loud that it sounds like it was slammed shut. Julia stands behind Elena and looks at her backside and her loosely done ponytail. Julia is wondering if she should say something. She takes a breath, and before she can even let it out, Elena is speaking.

  “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  The question is so wonderfully out of character that Julia can hardly even find the words to answer. It’s not like Elena to seem vulnerable. She smiles, though, and says, “Of course,” before taking a few steps around Elena. “You can sleep on the couch if you want. I can pull it out into a bed?” Julia motions to the couch, shrugs, and keeps her eyes off Elena. “It won’t take long.”

  “Can I just sleep,” Elena says and pauses. Julia looks back at her. “With you?”

  Julia practically forgets how to speak as she stands there and looks at Elena standing in front of her. She opens her mouth, and nothing comes out.

  “Is that too forward?” Elena asks, sounding very self-conscious.

  And Julia lets out a laugh that has no reason being in this conversation, but she can’t help it. She reaches out and takes Elena’s wrist, smiles, squeezes softly, then asks, “Aren’t you always too forward?”

  A smile spreads across Elena’s face as her cheeks turn pink. She takes a step closer to Julia, making the distance between them almost nonexistent. “I can go if you want.” Elena’s voice is so soft and has so much emotion that it literally makes the hair on the back of Julia’s neck stand on end.

  “Elena,” Julia whispers, finally finding the courage to look directly into Elena’s eyes. “I want you to stay.” She watches as Elena physically relaxes: her shoulders, her neck, her spine. “Come on,” she says, linkin
g her fingers with Elena’s and pulling her toward the bedroom. She leaves the lamp in the living room on but doesn’t switch any other lights on as they walk through the dark hallway. Julia’s heart is thudding away, keeping her from saying too much for fear that her voice will shake with anticipation? Excitement? Desire? Need?

  Julia excuses herself and quickly does what she needs to in the bathroom. There’s no way in hell she’s going to sleep next to Elena and not make sure she at least brushes her teeth. And takes some ibuprofen. She’s going to be a hot mess tomorrow if she doesn’t.

  Hell, she’s a hot mess right now. She’s so excited, yet apprehensive. Elena is becoming everything Julia never realized she needed. She actually never really wanted anyone before. Wanting someone means trusting the person. And trusting someone means heartache. At least, it always has before. So, wanting and needing Elena Bennett means two things: one, Julia’s going to have to start trusting her; and two, Julia’s definitely going to have to work on controlling her blood pressure around her.

  “Sorry,” Julia whispers. “I had to take medicine. Or I’ll never be able to move tomorrow. You’ll have to pick me up to get me out of this bed.”

  Elena turns onto her side. Julia can feel Elena’s eyes on her even in the dark bedroom. “Sore?”

  “Uh, yeah, I feel like someone beat me up.”

  “The cattle beat you up,” Elena says. “I saw when that one threw you backward.”

  “Great,” mumbles Julia, rolling her eyes as she lies on her back, all too aware of Elena’s eyes on her.

  Elena reaches out and places her hand on Julia’s arm. “You were so good today,” she says. “I couldn’t stop watching you.”

  The feel of Elena’s skin on hers as they lie next to each other in bed is something Julia is sure she will never forget. “Well, you were pretty good, too.” Julia finally finds her voice and replies, glancing to her right. She can see Elena’s silhouette illuminated by the moonlight spilling in the window. “Not that I was watching that much.”

  Elena licks her lips. “Oh, yeah? Not that much?”

  “I mean,” Julia looks away and smiles at the ceiling, “maybe I saw you a few times across the way.”

  “A few times, hmm?”

  “Yeah, just a few.”

  “I feel like it was more than just a few,” Elena whispers, tightening her hold on Julia’s arm.

  “It probably was.” Julia’s voice quavers when she responds, and she wonders if it’s hot in the room or if it’s just her.

  “Julia?” Elena asks, her voice low.

  There’s a calmness to the air that Julia knows won’t last. It must be the way the room is aglow with the light from the moon, the breeze that is gently blowing in through the window, and the smell of the fire still stuck on them. It takes Julia a second to respond because she is a ball of emotions right now—and hearing Elena say her name like that, all deep and seductive, makes Julia want to light herself on fire. “Yeah?”

  “You realize I don’t do this with just anyone…right?”

  A smile tugs at Julia’s lips as she looks over at Elena. “I think I’m starting to figure that out,” she says softly.

  “Good,” Elena whispers, keeping her hand on Julia’s arm as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Good night, City Girl.”

  Julia lets out a low chuckle. “Night, Elena,” she replies and closes her eyes to go to sleep.

  * * *

  Waking up at nine with Elena draped across her body is the last thing Julia expected. So, when she opens her eyes and finds an arm across her abdomen and a leg flung across her with the sun already high in the sky, it’s definitely a shock. A welcome shock, but a shock nonetheless.

  Very gently, she tries to pull herself out from under Elena. It’s difficult at first, but eventually, she is able to slip out of the bed. Elena is sprawled out on the sheets now, her tan skin a stark contrast against the white sheets. Her T-shirt is hiked up, and her shorts are riding low, exposing her skin and the waistband of her black panties. Julia isn’t going to pretend that sight doesn’t do things to her body. It’s such a turn-on. Especially the way the shirt is pulled up on Elena’s side, exposing far more side-boob than should be legal at this time in the morning. It feels good that a woman who earlier had confided in her that she rarely sleeps is snoozing away without a care in the world.

  Julia pads into the kitchen, flips on the power to the coffeepot, and waits patiently as it starts the brew process. She opens the refrigerator, looks around for eggs, some veggies, and a loaf of bread and then gets going on making breakfast. It won’t be spectacular, but it’ll be something.

  Julia is the first person to admit that she doesn’t like to cook. Cooking stresses her out, makes her anxiety spring into action. But she hates the idea of being a bad hostess. And isn’t it customary to feed the person you slept next to all night?

  After chopping the veggies, she throws them in a pan with melted butter, sautéing them until they’re perfect. The sound of the veggies sizzling in the pan reminds her of her childhood in foster homes and running away. There’s always something that happens to make her remember why at seven years old she knew how to cook a full meal for herself. Cooking typically makes her remember. And she has spent years running in order to forget.

  Just as she’s pouring the beaten eggs into the veggies, she hears a throat clearing behind her. She turns her head and looks at Elena. “Well, good morning, sleepyhead.” Julia grins. “You were sound asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.” As if Elena could be more perfect, she actually looks even more beautiful after just waking up.

  Elena smiles, pushes a hand over her face, and moves the loose strands of hair that have pulled from her ponytail behind her ears. “I slept like a rock,” she says as Julia moves toward her and hands her a steaming hot cup of coffee. “Oh, why, thank you.” Julia beams and gets back to cooking the eggs. “I thought you didn’t like to cook?”

  Julia lets out a laugh and looks over her shoulder at Elena leaning against the counter. “I don’t.” Julia looks back at the skillet. “But breakfast is different.” She plates the eggs and reaches over just as the toast pops from the toaster. She hands the plate to Elena. “I set the table out there.”

  Elena pads barefoot toward the dining room table where Julia has laid out silverware and two small glasses of orange juice. “How long have you been up?” Elena asks, sitting down at one of the spaces.

  Julia rushes into the room and sits at the empty spot. “Not long,” Julia says, immediately starting to dig in. “You just looked really peaceful…”

  “Well done, Miss Finch,” Elena mumbles around her first bite of omelet. “Not that a person can screw up eggs.”

  “You’d be surprised,” Julia says. She takes a drink of her coffee and looks at Elena. “Where does everyone think you are?”

  Elena shrugs, her mouth full of food again.

  “You’re not worried?”

  Another shrug and a smile this time.

  “All right then.”

  “I think everyone kind of has an idea.”

  Julia looks across the table. “And you’re okay with that?”

  Elena screws up her face, then takes a sip of orange juice. “I’m not thrilled, but—”

  “Because I’m an employee?”

  “No!” Elena almost shouts, her voice an octave higher. “No, I mean, I just…Just after everything that went on with Penn.”

  “Does she know?”

  Elena shakes her head and eyes her toast. “It’s not really her business.”

  Julia doesn’t like that answer. It’s not at all what she thought Elena would say. And now she’s instantly worried.

  “So, now that you started telling me about yourself, think you feel like telling me something else?” Elena asks, not making eye contact as she eats her toast.

  No. “What do you want to know?”

  “Well, I want to know everything.” Elena’s eyes are locked onto hers, and Julia’s not
sure if she’s ever been looked at with so much intensity and so much emotion. “But I don’t think you’ll tell me everything.”

  “Probably not.”

  “Tell me about Chicago?”

  Julia instantly feels her stomach start to roll. A common occurrence with someone who cannot stand talking about herself. “Well, it was cold.” Julia laughs when Elena rolls her eyes. “It was actually really awesome. I loved the city. Culture and constant change and the ability to just blend in…I loved that part. No one knew me there. It was wonderful.” She can hear the apprehension in her voice. “I mean, I had some people, but no one was like, my person or whatever.”

  “I understand that,” Elena says, her eyes full of hope. She props her hand under her chin and leans on the table.

  Julia pulls a deep breath into her lungs, leans back in her chair, and looks around the dining area. “Okay, one more question.” Julia sighs.

  “Oh, wow, one more?” The twinkle in Elena’s eyes is hard to resist, so Julia nods. “Did you like school?”

  “Truthfully? No. But…” Julia stiffens and decides to say one more thing. “Since I’m an orphan and my foster parents were typically assholes, I had to pick up a lot of slack all the time. And I was made fun of a lot. So, the first chance I got, I dropped out. I barely have my GED.” She stands, grabs her plate, and rushes past Elena into the kitchen. She tosses the rest of her omelet into the trash.

  “Hey,” Elena says quietly.

  “Look, I’m not good at this—”

  “I know you don’t want to talk about yourself, Julia, but, honey, I love getting to know you, whatever that entails.”

  Julia feels Elena’s hands land on her hips, then turn her around so she’s facing her. She looks into Elena’s eyes. “I don’t know how to do this,” she whispers.

  “Do what exactly?”

  Julia freezes because she doesn’t even know how to answer the question. She wants to say she doesn’t know how to trust anyone, but it’s not just trusting Elena that is scaring her. It’s letting anyone else see how messed up her past is, and how even in her attempts to escape it, it always sticks with her.