Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  “Maybe.” A smile spreads across Elena’s lips. “Would you rather I not tease?”

  “You’re joking, right?” She doesn’t wait for a response when she says, “You could tease me all day, every day, if you really wanted to.” She takes another drink of her water. “Of course,” she says as she sets the glass on the countertop, “I’ll have to pay you back eventually.”

  “Oh, you think so, huh?” Elena discards the spoon and takes the couple steps toward Julia. She places both hands on Julia’s bare thighs, a look of pure desire on her face. “I feel like I’ll always win with the teasing.”

  “Why do you think that?” Julia asks, her response broken up by her labored breathing.

  Elena smiles as she heads back to the stove. She takes the pasta from the colander and then mixes it into the sauce. “I just have a feeling.”

  After the two eat dinner and Julia tells Elena over and over again how awesome it all tastes, Julia starts to feel their evening and morning activities catching up with her. Both women retire to the couch, the glow from the lamp illuminating Elena while Julia relaxes at the other end. There’s a knock at the screen door, which is followed by Cole’s voice. “Mom? Jules?”

  Elena picks her head up from the book she’s reading. “Cole?”

  “I just wanted to tell you that I’m home,” Cole says after he lets himself into the cabin. He flips his boots off at the door and makes his way over to his mom on the couch. After he leans over and kisses Elena on the cheek, he waves a hand at Julia. She smiles at him, at the way his hair is sticking up all over the place and the sheen of sweat still on his skin.

  “How was your night, dear? I hope you didn’t get into any trouble,” Elena says.

  Cole sits cross-legged on the floor in front of the couch and snorts quietly. He’s still in his dark blue jeans from the night before, but he has on a white undershirt. “No, no trouble,” he says, his voice deep. “But it was a super fun night.”

  Julia smiles. “Hey,” she says, “did you get to hang out with Allison?”

  The blush that fills Cole’s cheeks is reminiscent of his mother’s. His eyes are wide when he says Julia’s name in a voice that is laced with worry and embarrassment.

  “Cole, I know about your crush on Allison,” Elena says.

  “You do?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “How?”

  “Because I’m your mother, and I know everything. And besides, you are about as subtle as a freight train.” Elena purses her lips. “You light up like the Fourth of July around her.”

  “I do not!” he says as he looks at Julia. “Jules, back me up. Please.”

  “Not the Fourth of July, Elena,” Julia says, and Cole beams.

  “See?”

  “I’d say more like a five-alarm fire.”

  “Julia!” Cole says. “That is not true!”

  “I think that’s a perfect description.” Elena grins as she looks over at Julia and winks. “So, did you hang out all night with this girl?”

  “Ugh, Mom,” he says, elongating the O. “I really can’t talk to you about this stuff.”

  “Why not?” Elena asks, followed by a huff. “I am a great person to talk to about this.”

  Cole leans back and props himself up with his hands. “Fine,” he says. He sounds as if he can barely control his excitement. “She asked me out on a date.”

  Julia’s fist shoots up in the air, a smile plastered on her face. “Cole! That’s great!”

  “Yeah, she said she really loved my vest, too.” He nods at Julia. “I owe you for telling me to ditch the jacket.”

  “I’m telling you, I know my stuff.”

  “So, what did you guys do today?” Cole asks. He looks from Julia to his mom.

  They exchange a look, then say, “Nothing.”

  Cole cocks an eyebrow and tilts his head. Julia wonders how perceptive he really is. “Ah, a lazy day,” he says, eyebrow still raised.

  Both women nod, again in unison.

  Cole motions to Elena’s shirt. “Nice shirt,” he says with a grin.

  “I just borrowed it,” she says quickly.

  “Sure,” Cole says.

  Julia cannot get over how much Cole resembles his mother at times, and now, with his eyebrow arched and that little smirk on his face, he looks exactly like her. Julia doesn’t speak for fear of blowing their “lazy day” cover. Although, clearly, this kid is a regular Sherlock Holmes and is already putting together the puzzle of his mother and the ranch hand.

  Cole gets to his feet, brushes off his pants, then bends down to kiss his mom on the cheek. He says good-bye to Julia, and when he picks up his cowboy boots, he turns to say, “You know there’s no sense in hiding this”—he motions back and forth between Julia and his mom—“from me.” He smiles. “I’m totally okay with it.”

  Julia looks at Elena, her mouth hanging open slightly. “Um,” she manages to get out, and then she hears Cole chuckle before he leaves, the screen door banging shut behind him. “What just happened?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “I think your son just outed us.”

  “I think you’re right,” Elena says. She places her hand on Julia’s leg, which is still stretched out over her lap. “Are you okay with that?”

  Surprisingly, yes, she’s really okay with it. She didn’t give a shit about people knowing the night before. So of course she’s okay with Cole knowing. And when other people start to find out, she won’t let it ruin everything. But she can feel it in her bones. Her emotions are running rampant, pulling her in a dozen different directions. The need to run, to flee, to get the hell out of there, followed by the need to stay, to love, to be loved. She smiles, tries to remain calm and says, “I am.” Because after she pushes that need to hate herself that is always bubbling below the surface, she really is okay…At least for the time being.

  Chapter Eighteen

  It’s three weeks after Julia has finally settled completely into the ranch. Elena and Julia spend so much time together that it’s no longer a secret. Even Penn knows, and Julia is clearly a thorn in her side. Julia doesn’t care, though. She is happy. Maybe the first time in her life, she feels at peace. And she feels free.

  The best part? Aside from the amazing nights (and sometimes mornings and afternoons) she has with Elena?

  Julia has repaid her debt to Elijah.

  When he drops her off at the front of the auto body shop, Elijah smiles. “You ever think this day would come?”

  Julia laughs. Her hand is on the door handle. She notices that her palms are sticky with sweat. She’s nervous, and she knows it’s because they’re picking up her car. “No, actually. I thought you’d own my ass forever.” Julia opens the door, climbs out of the truck, and slams the door.

  “City Girl?”

  Julia turns and looks into the passenger window of the truck. “Yeah?”

  “You know this doesn’t mean you have to leave the ranch, right?”

  Julia doesn’t want to leave, but this car is like cocaine to a cocaine addict, and the thought of having it back frightens her. “I know,” she says.

  “I think Leia would be pretty sad to see you go.”

  “Had to mention that, didn’t you?”

  Elijah shrugs. “Go on. Get your car.”

  Julia watches Elijah drive away before she makes her way to the door of the auto body shop. When she enters, she sees Ray standing behind the counter. He looks up, a dopey grin on his weathered face. “Ray, how are ya?” She glides toward the counter, presses her palms against the glass top, and studies the old man.

  “Oh, City Girl, I thought you weren’t comin’ back for your baby. I was all ready to take her off yer hands for ya.” Ray’s eyes twinkle. “She’s runnin’ like a beast now.”

  “I knew you’d be able to fix her. I’m sorry that it’s taken so long for me to get back to pick her up. It’s been crazy up at the ranch.”

  He looks her up and down. “Ranch life seems to be treatin�
� ya well there. You’re not thinkin’ ’bout gettin’ into this car and drivin’ off toward that sunset you were so tore up about before, are ya? I know ol’ Elijah would be sad to see ya go.”

  Julia smiles. “Oh, he would now, would he? That’s not how he acts.”

  “He hides it well,” Ray says, followed by a deep, gravelly chuckle. “Come on now. Let’s go get you set up.”

  Julia follows Ray through the back office that is piled high with papers and old car parts, then through another room that has even more car parts, some in new, clean boxes, some just gathering dust. Ray pushes the back door to the building, and it swings open and hits the outside wall with a clang. She sees her car immediately, shining in the sun. She looks at Ray, then the car. “She looks great! What’d you do to her?”

  “Well, she got a wash, and I waxed her myself. When was the last time you did that? She was pretty bad. And the rust. Jesus Christ, the rust.”

  Julia laughs. “I’m from Chicago. Our cars rust.”

  “Take care of her.” Ray grins, showing off his gnarly teeth as he drops the keys into Julia’s hand. “And come back in three thousand miles for an oil change.”

  Julia climbs in, sits in the driver’s seat, and slides the key into the ignition. The gas pedal feels strange under the sole of her boot. It’s a weird sensation, sitting in this beast and not being eager to get the fuck out of town. When she turns the car over and it roars to life, the urge to run washes over her. Ah, there it is. She wondered when that old nagging fear of commitment and love would finally smack into her. It’s fitting that it is happening in the very tool she uses to fulfill the addiction to flee. She’s not sure what to do with the emotion other than dismiss it as fast as it hit her, but the lingering urge is still sitting above her heart, even after all these months. Now that she has the car, what should she do?

  She pulls around the corner of the building and looks right. That direction is where she came from, the way out of this town, away from everything that has become familiar. If she turns that way, she’ll break Elena’s heart, her spirit, her soul. Hell, she’ll break her own spirit and soul if she leaves, and she knows that.

  She closes her eyes and turns her head to the left. When she opens them, it hits her. Home is that way. Home is to the left. And it’s the only way she should be going. She checks her rearview mirror. Ray has been watching the whole time, his arms folded across his chest, his dirty boot tapping the pavement. She revs the engine, fixes her eyes back on the road, and turns the wheel to the left, pulling onto the road that will take her home.

  * * *

  Driving onto the dirt road to the ranch in her own car is refreshing. After driving around and exploring for a couple hours, Julia feels complete again. It’d be funny to say that to someone who has never felt a connection to a car, but this car has been with her through everything. It’s the most reliable relationship she’s ever had. Well, except, of course, until now.

  She pulls in next to the old Ford trucks and turns the engine off. “Ah,” she says, running her hand over the steering wheel. “Home at last.”

  “City Girl, you’re back! I thought for sure that was the last we’d see of you.”

  Julia shakes her head. “Thanks, Elijah, for, y’know, paying for her.”

  “You’re welcome,” he says. He walks over, dust surrounding him. “She good now?”

  “She’s never run this good,” Julia admits when she looks at the car. “It’s pretty awesome, actually.” She looks back at Elijah. “Did you really think I would leave?”

  He smiles. “Kinda?”

  “Man, still not trusted, I see.”

  “You were gone for a good three hours.”

  “I was out driving around. Testing her out. Letting the wind blow through my hair.”

  “Well, we were worried.”

  “We? Who’s we?”

  “Me, Caroline, Cole.” Elijah clears his throat. “Elena.”

  “Shit.” Julia feels her heart fall. “I gotta go find her. Where is she?”

  Elijah motions to the horses. “She took off on Samwise about two hours ago. It’s getting late, though. You shouldn’t go after her.”

  “Hell yes, I should. I don’t want her to think I left!” Julia sprints into the barn and over to Leia. “Wanna go for a ride, beautiful?” The horse’s ears perk, and the gentle neigh that follows warms Julia’s heart. “Let’s go.”

  * * *

  Julia clicks her tongue, and Leia takes off into a gallop around the bend, into the clearing, and just past the aspen trees that surround the property. She adjusts the reins in her hand, feels the sturdy hoofbeats underneath her, and knows for the first time in forever that she’s actually at peace. It’s been a long time coming, this whole settling down thing, but she’s starting to enjoy it. After the last couple weeks, she and Elena seem really good. They have so much fun together. And the sex? The sex is amazing! She’s not sure what the hesitancy is with Elena, though. She can feel it in her kisses and the way her happiness seems to not quite reach her eyes, but Julia is trying to not worry. She’s a worrier by trade, and it’s starting to affect her the more she holds it in. Happiness has never lasted for Julia. So, why should this last? But there’s no way she’s going to let Elena think she took off. No way. Not this time. She’s not going anywhere, and Elena needs to know.

  When Julia cuts through the grazing field. She vividly remembers the spot where Sully and Scout were hanging out when she and Elijah found them. It’s hard to believe that was almost two months ago. The way Elena had helped her up onto Samwise still causes chills to course through her body.

  Julia sees Penn standing next to Sully. She, of course, looks like a picture-perfect cowgirl: hat, jeans, button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, the whole package. Julia wants to vomit. Why does this woman have to be so threatening in all her beauty?

  Penn takes her hat off and waves it at Julia from across the field. When the hell is that asshole leaving? Penn has already worn out her welcome, but she just keeps sticking around like a bad case of lice. Julia has asked Elena about it a couple times now, and she always gets the same answer: “She’s helping out. We need the help, Julia.” She wants to tell Elena to hire someone else, but it really isn’t her business. She’s so sick and tired of seeing Penn, though. And seeing Elena around Penn. It makes her skin crawl. Their interactions are always so cordial and kind. Penn’s always putting a hand on Elena’s shoulder or the small of her back, and it scares Julia to death because what if Elena isn’t being honest? What if Elena is still in love with Penn? What if this whole thing between Julia and Elena has been a scam? The thoughts themselves make Julia want to scream.

  Julia finally mimics the gesture with her ball cap. She still hasn’t relented on the cowboy hat, and at this rate, she’s not sure if she ever will. After she secures the hat back on her head, over her French-braided hair, she steers Leia over toward where Penn is with Sully. She’s getting ready to ask if she’s seen Elena, when out of the brush comes Elena mounted atop Samwise. “Elena!”

  Elena’s head jerks up. “Julia! Oh my God. I thought…” Her cheeks are flushed, and she looks utterly miserable.

  “No, I didn’t leave. I’m here!” Julia steers Leia toward Elena, and her eyes move from Elena to Penn and back to Elena before she opens her mouth to say, “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” comes Elena’s too-quick response. She won’t even look at Julia now, which is making Julia’s stomach churn.

  “Elena,” Julia says. “What the hell is going on?” She reaches out with her free hand as Elena moves past her on Samwise. She touches Elena’s arm, but still Elena doesn’t look. Julia looks at Penn, her eyes on fire. “Care to enlighten me?”

  “We were just talking. Things got…” Penn pauses as she slides her foot into the stirrup on Sully, bounces once, then twice, and mounts the horse. After situating herself, she looks at Julia. “Things got heated.”

  “Heated?”

 
“Yes, heated.”

  “What the fuck does ‘heated’ mean?”

  “It means there was some unresolved tension between us,” Penn says. She pulls on a pair of leather riding gloves, and all Julia can do is roll her eyes. Riding gloves? Really? Of course, this bitch has riding gloves. What a fucking asshole.

  “Penn, I swear to God—”

  “Oh, please,” Penn says. “I told you I’d find a way to get you to run, little girl. You’re not winning this one.” Her blue eyes look like glass, and her maniacal smile is making Julia want to punch her. Of all the times Julia wished she had learned a thing or two from her hard-ass cellmates, now is it.

  Julia turns Leia around smoothly and takes off after Elena. She catches up to her with ease, and surprisingly, Elena stops Samwise. “What the hell is going on, Elena?”

  “Penn kissed me.” Elena spits the words out, and Julia almost feels as if she needs to duck so they don’t hit her in the face.

  Julia looks at Elena, her eyes, her lips, back to her eyes. “Did you kiss her back?”

  “No!”

  “Why did she try, then?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why did she try to kiss you? There had to have been a reason.” Julia watches as Elena’s facial expression goes from scared and embarrassed to sad and worried. “Did you give her the idea that it was something she should do?”

  “Julia, listen to me. There’s a lot of history—”

  “No, Elena. Answer the fucking question.” Julia is seething now. And Elena’s expression is exactly why Julia never stays, and she always runs. “Did you give her reason to think she had a chance?” Again, Elena’s eyes tell the whole story. “I was gone for a few hours, and you automatically assume that I’m gone for good? Don’t you trust me? Don’t you trust this? Us?”

  “Julia, yes! I trust you! I thought you left! Just like she had—”