Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

“Why would I run from you? From us?”

  “I don’t know,” Elena whispers.

  “Elena, you are everything I want. Why would I run?”

  “I was scared.”

  “So am I!” Julia shouts. “I shared things with you that I have never shared before. And now this? Penn? You know how I feel about her and you. I’ve never trusted her with you.”

  “Penn isn’t who I want! You have to believe me!”

  “So, I’m supposed to believe you, but you don’t even trust everything I’ve shared with you, everything I’ve done with you. None of that is enough for you? Now you have to break my heart on top of that? Don’t you understand that this right here,” she motions between where Penn is still perched atop Sully and Elena, “this is exactly the reason I didn’t want to open up to you!”

  “Julia, wait!”

  But it’s too late. Julia has taken off on Leia toward the clearing, past it now, over the hills, into the meadow, away from the house, the corral, everything. She’s riding like crazy, and Leia lets her. The beautiful horse is carrying Julia with the ease and speed of a racehorse. The sound of her hooves is beating in time with Julia’s heart, and she is so upset. So very upset.

  It’s not until they get about a hundred yards from the edge of Miller’s Gap that Julia finally slows Leia down. They walk up to the edge of the ravine, and Julia instantly starts to cry. Her face is in her hands, and the world around her is spinning; she can feel everything and nothing all at once. This is it. This is why. This is why she always runs. All of these emotions and drama.

  Trust is the worst of the human conditions. Why did she let herself do it? Why did she let herself get to the point where she trusted Elena Bennett? She knew it was only going to end in heartache. She fucking knew it!

  Yet, she fell for the woman. For her spirit and beautiful soul…

  And now this?

  Julia leans forward and wraps her arms around Leia’s neck. “I can’t stay here, Leia,” she says against her buckskin fur. Leia sniffs as if she understands, which makes Julia cry even harder. Her stomach is in knots. “Why did I get so attached to you?”

  And she knows she really means why did she get so attached to Elena.

  Oh, no. And Cole. Her heart almost breaks in half when she thinks about never seeing him again.

  And Elijah!

  “Goddammit,” Julia says as she sits upright and pulls her ball cap down on her head. These fucking feelings! She wipes at her eyes and nose, smearing tears and snot across her face. She absolutely hates that she has let herself get to this point where she actually has feelings for anyone on this stupid ranch. Especially Elena. She knew she was going to get hurt. She just knew it.

  Of course, Penn had to have the last laugh, didn’t she? She had to be the one to finally win Elena back. Julia shakes her head, closes her eyes, and fights back the tears that are on the verge of reappearing. “I am not going to let this place get the best of me.”

  She cannot stay at the ranch, not when she doesn’t feel welcome anymore. She’s going to have to leave everything that has become familiar and safe. For the first time ever, she’s going to run away from a place she doesn’t want to leave. Her heart aches knowing that she was right about everything, though. Elena didn’t really want something real with her. The thought that everything Julia went through with Elena was built on a lie makes Julia want to vomit. Every single time she opens up, this happens. But that’s the last time she allows it to happen. She’s not going to sit around and wait for her heart to get broken any more than it already is! No way! No how!

  * * *

  The sun is low in the sky when Julia slows Leia to a trot as they approach the pasture before the house. The air is cooler, which is strange, but apparently, August gets that way in Colorado. Everything about the way the air feels is weird, though. Julia’s hair is standing up on the back of her neck, and she wonders if maybe she’s getting sick. Just what she needs. A fucking cold.

  She keeps thinking about what her next move is going to be. It’s been so wonderful not having to think like that. She’s been planning her next move since she was a kid, moving from foster home to foster home. And then jail and now this? She got comfortable. She let Elena break her walls down. Now she has to start building them back up. The idea of reconstructing all those years and years of now blown apart rubble makes her stomach twist.

  Julia shakes her head. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts. It hurts more to be hurt by someone else. Leaving is her only option. Should she just pack her bags and her couple of boxes and hightail it out of there? Not tell a soul good-bye? Should she actually make a point to tell Cole that she’ll miss him? And Elijah? Should she slug Penn in the jaw on the way out?

  Her mind is going wild. She honestly has no idea what to do.

  Julia hates the idea of leaving, though. She doesn’t want to go anywhere! She finally admitted to herself that this, all of this, is her home. She loves her little cabin with the creaky, uneven floorboards and the wonderful lighting and the fireplace she hasn’t been able to use yet. She even loves that damn bed with the mattress that is God only knows how old. She loathes the idea of packing her belongings back into those two sad little boxes, starting up the old Dart, and driving down the dusty road. She doesn’t want to watch this place disappear into her rearview mirror. She wants to stay and be in love with Elena and live happily ever after. Isn’t that what was supposed to happen?

  Julia smooths her hand down Leia’s neck. “What should I do, girl? Hmm?” she asks the horse, when all of a sudden, the horse stops in her tracks. Her ears are flat against her head, and Julia can feel the tension in her muscles.

  “Leia, what’s wrong?” Julia asks and starts to scan the area. She can hear Leia’s nervous hoofbeats on the hard ground. She knows she needs to get the hell out of there. It’s not safe.

  And as soon as those words pass through her mind, she hears a low growl on her right-hand side. “Oh, Jesus,” Julia whispers. She doesn’t know what to do; everything feels as if it’s moving in slow motion. And before she knows it, she’s being bucked off the horse. Her back hits the ground with a horrible thud. She can barely breathe, her eyes slide closed, and she has no idea if this is the end or not.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When Julia opens her eyes, she has no idea where she is. The room is dark, the blinds are pulled, and the small lamp across the room isn’t providing enough light to make anything discernable. She tries to lift her head but is met with a horrible, throbbing headache. And when she tries to move her body, she feels as if she’s been hit by a Mack truck. Even her toes hurt. She looks around through squinted eyelids and sees Elena sitting next to the bed in a chair. She’s sleeping, her head is leaned back on the back of the chair, and she has her hands clasped across her stomach.

  Julia reaches to pull the covers from her body, and it’s so hard to move. What the hell happened to her? Why is she so sore? All she can remember is riding Leia through the pasture. It was peaceful and cool, and everything was fine.

  And then she remembers the low growl and the flash of fur and teeth and claws.

  She clenches her eyes tight and tries to pull a deep breath into her lungs, but a coughing spell stops her.

  “Hey,” Elena says, her hands moving to Julia’s shoulders, then down her arms. “Are you okay?” She’s holding a glass with a straw. “Here. Water.”

  Julia is peering through one open eyelid, and she’s not sure whether she should loathe her or love her right now because all she can remember is the hurt she had felt, but dammit, she really is thirsty. She takes the straw and sucks two gulps into her mouth. The water feels amazing as it fills her mouth and rushes down her dry throat.

  “How are you feeling?”

  Julia doesn’t answer the question. Not just because she doesn’t want to talk to Elena, ever again if possible, but also because she really doesn’t know how she is feeling. Aside from being sore, she has no idea what really happened. Why is she in thi
s bed? How long has she been here? What the hell happened?

  “Julia, please. I need to know.” Elena places her hand on Julia’s forehead. It feels as if she’s checking Julia’s temperature, but Julia can’t be positive.

  “What happened?” Julia finally asks with a scratchy voice. She’s surprised by how scared she sounds.

  “A bear attacked.” Elena’s hand is held to her chest, clutching at her heart. “You know we’ve been seeing that one female around, but something must have spooked her, and she attacked.”

  Julia feels absolute fear flood her veins. “Leia,” she says. “What happened to Leia?”

  “She saved you, Julia.” Elena’s voice is so soft and sincere. “I don’t know exactly how or what happened, but you were hardly harmed. The bear was dead, trampled, and Leia only has a few marks on her left side. Some pretty deep scratches and the vet came and gave her stitches, but…” Elena pauses. “Do you really not remember anything?”

  Julia shakes her head, too afraid to answer.

  “She carried you home, so you were semiconscious. I don’t even know how she…how did she know to kneel down to you? How did she know? Were you conscious? You really don’t remember?”

  “No,” Julia whispers. She closes her eyes, searches her memory bank, but sees nothing after her back hit the ground.

  “Maybe it’ll return as time goes on,” Elena says. And Julia kind of hates her for how beautiful she looks right now in the lighting with her hair hanging loose over her shoulders and the baggy Denver Broncos sweatshirt on.

  “Where am I?”

  “My room.” Elena leans back in the chair next to the bed and crosses her left leg over her right. “You have a couple broken ribs, and you’re bruised up. I needed you close to me.”

  Julia rolls her eyes, and even that hurts. She breathes out, but all it does is cause her to start coughing, which hurts the rest of her muscles. “Don’t think this changes anything,” Julia finally is able to say after her coughing fit. “I’m still leaving.”

  “You mean you’re running away?”

  A wave of rage washes over Julia. It reminds her of the waves crashing into her when she would swim at the beach in Chicago when she was a kid, the cold Lake Michigan water with the undertow and the current and the inability to ever truly feel in control. She has no idea what to say to Elena to defend herself, which she knows only means she has no defense, and that pisses her off even more.

  Elena leans forward, props her elbows on her knees, and looks down at her hands. “Listen, Julia—”

  “I do not want to talk to you about whatever you’re going to bring up.” Julia raises her hand and stops Elena. “I really don’t.”

  “Can you please let me just explain? I think I deserve that.”

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, yet here we are.” Julia watches as Elena’s eyes fill with tears. It’s hard to be a spectator right now because it’s taking everything in Julia to stay strong. And she wants to stay strong. She does. But Elena’s eyes and that damn quiver of her lip makes Julia’s heart flutter. “Tell me, then. Explain.”

  Elena wipes away tears that have made their way from her eyes onto her cheeks. “You know, Julia, I like you a lot, but you can be real pain in the ass when you want to be.” Elena wipes at her nose with a Kleenex. “You think any of this has been easy? I’d be lying if I said Penn being here didn’t throw me for a loop. It did. I loved her. She came into my life at a time when I really needed it…needed her.”

  “You can have her,” Julia says. “I really don’t care anymore, Elena.”

  “Would you let me finish, please?” Elena looks at Julia, shakes her head, and sighs. “You act like this has been a cakewalk for me. You think you coming in here with that chip on your shoulder was something I bargained for? I did not want, nor did I need, another woman in my life. Especially one with the ability to break down my walls. Yet you showed up with that smile that took my breath away, and those green eyes that saw into my soul. And the horses…You’re so good with them. So, so good with them.” Elena smiles. “And don’t even get me started on Cole. And the way he bonded with you. He loves you. And him opening up to you made his relationship with me better. It’s been forever since he’s laughed or genuinely smiled. As a mother, seeing your child smile after not seeing it in forever…I can’t explain it to you.” Elena pauses, looks down at her hands, then back at Julia. “So, I could not stop myself.”

  Dammit. Julia feels herself getting ready to crack.

  “I don’t want Penn, Julia,” Elena says, her voice so quiet in the dimly lit room.

  Julia tries to push herself up onto her elbows in the bed. It’s hard, and all of her muscles are straining, but she finally manages to adjust herself. She’s looking at Elena, at her sad eyes, and all she wants to do is kiss her. She’s crumbling like a cookie.

  “Mom?” comes Cole’s voice, followed by a knock on the closed bedroom door.

  Elena’s head drops, and she can’t help but chuckle. “He always interrupts us, doesn’t he?” she whispers.

  Julia shakes her head and shares in the soft laughter. “He really does.”

  “Yes, Cole?” Elena says, and the door swings open.

  Cole’s eyes light up when he looks at Julia. “Oh, Jules, you’re awake!”

  “Easy, Cole, easy!” Elena says as Cole leaps onto the bed to hug Julia.

  Julia’s ows and oh my Gods are enough for Cole to get the hint, though, and he quickly stops the hug and starts apologizing. “I’m so sorry, Jules. Are you okay? Oh God, man, we were so worried. You’ve been out of it for like, what’s it been now, Mom? A week?”

  Elena nods. “Well, five days, but yeah.”

  Julia holds her hand out and looks at Elena. “Will you help me? I want to get up.”

  “Why? You’re not leaving yet.”

  Julia knows Elena’s words are meant to be icy, but they’re just sarcastic and sad enough that Julia has to fight to hold back a smile.

  “Y’know, I have half a mind to—”

  “To what?” Elena stares for one beat, then another before she takes Julia’s hand. Elena’s skin is so soft, and Julia curses at herself for even noticing. The whole process is slow going at first, but after Elena gets Julia situated on the bed, she helps Julia stand.

  They’re looking into each other’s eyes. Julia’s head feels a little better after standing, and even though she’s uneasy on her feet and very worn out, it feels really good to stand. “Will you take me to see Leia?” Julia asks.

  “Cole? Is Leia ready?”

  He clears his throat. “She’s been a little antsy today. It’s like she knew or something.”

  “Knew what?” Julia asks as she looks back at Cole.

  “That you were going to wake up.” Cole’s answer is matter-of-fact, and he shrugs, his hands shoved into his front pockets. He looks so young, yet so mature at the same time.

  “Take me to her.”

  * * *

  Julia is leaning very heavily on Cole as they approach the barn. It is probably way too soon for Julia to be out and about or to even consider seeing Leia, but she can’t help it. She feels as if she needs to see her, make sure everything is really okay.

  When they turn the corner into the barn, Julia stops in her tracks. Penn is standing there, pitchfork in hand, dirt and grime covering her, drinking from a water bottle. Cole huffs and urges Julia to keep walking. “She’s been helping with the horses. She’s leaving at the end of August, according to Mom.”

  Julia rolls her eyes. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  “Jules…Mom needs you. I need you.”

  “Cole, don’t, please.” She moves with Cole, slowly but surely, toward Leia’s stall. She can hear the horse before she sees her.

  “Jules, wait,” Cole says as he stops them before they get to Leia’s stall. He looks back. “Leia was really upset at first. I don’t think she’s back to normal yet. She’s settled down tremendously, but she�
��s real skittish. I don’t want you to think it’s you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, she was scared, Jules. She wouldn’t let anyone near her at first. Even the vet had issues. She got banged up pretty bad. Not just her body but her spirit. I don’t know, Jules, sometimes trauma like that does stuff to a horse. It’s gonna take time.” Cole squeezes Julia’s forearm. “So, leaving? Right now? Running away like I think you want to do and must always do, according to Mom and Elijah?” Cole purses his lips, runs a hand through his black shaggy hair. “You just can’t do it. Not even because Mom and I need you. But because you can’t leave your horse like that.”

  Julia studies Cole while he stands there. He’s so tall and so handsome. He looks so much like his mother; even her dark skin tone was passed down. She wonders when in the time she’s been here did this kid grow up and mature because everything he’s saying is so wise. Julia finally nods, gathers all of her courage, and motions for Cole to keep walking. They get to the stall door, and Julia peers over the top as she uses the frame of the door to steady herself. She can see the scratches that Elena was talking about earlier on Leia’s right side. They must have been deep because there are stitches, about fifty or so. A muscle twitch runs through Leia’s body, and it makes Julia’s heart hurt. “Leia?” Immediately, Leia looks at the stall door. Her ears start to perk up, her eyes lose the crazed look, and she takes a few steps toward the door. “Hi, girl. I heard you saved me?” Julia cannot even describe the feeling that washes over her when Leia’s snout nudges her hand. It’s almost as if she can see the stress leaving Leia’s body.

  “How is it going?”

  Julia glances back when she hears Penn ask the question. She watches Cole motion toward her and Leia. “Have you ever seen something like this before?” Cole asks Penn. Julia looks back at Leia and tries not to care what Penn has to say.

  “Once,” Julia hears Penn say. “It was my daddy’s horse. But never again since then.”

  And for the first time since meeting Penn, Julia wishes she didn’t hate her so much, because she’d love to hear more about a horse saving a person’s life.