Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  * * *

  The bruises on Julia’s rib cage are still a very deep purple. There’s yellowing around the edges, but they are sore to the touch. Julia turns and looks over her shoulder into the mirror in the bathroom. The bright light makes her squint a bit when she sees the bruise along her shoulder blade. It’s the darkest and hurts the most out of all of them. She picks up her towel and secures it around her body, looks into the mirror at herself, at her wet hair, at her dark tan lines on her biceps. Everything about her condition right now makes her angry.

  And confused.

  She needs to have Elena help her rub the liniment on the bruises on her back, but she’s also so nervous to have Elena near her right now. Julia is still mad at Elena, still doesn’t want her around, still feels the constant desire to kiss her even though she wants to cry in her presence. It’s infuriating.

  Julia opens the door to Elena’s master bathroom and sees Elena sitting on the bed. “Can you help me?”

  “The liniment?”

  “Yes. I can’t reach the bruises on my back.”

  “Those bruises are the worst.”

  No shit, those are the worst. She almost got eaten alive by a fucking bear. Julia doesn’t respond, though. It’s not worth the sarcasm.

  Elena is in the bathroom now, unscrewing the cap on the liniment the doctor suggested to help speed up the healing. “You need to, um, move your towel down,” she says, whispering the last part.

  Julia listens, loosens her towel, moves her hair, and tries really hard to not watch Elena in the condensation-covered mirror. Her efforts are futile, though, as she sneaks a peek at Elena in her gray Colorado T-shirt and flannel pajama pants. She feels Elena’s strong fingers land on her skin. The ointment is cool, but Elena works it in small circular motions, and Julia feels everything in that area start to warm. “What is this stuff that you are putting on me?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

  “Try me.”

  “Tiger Balm.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? I almost get killed by a bear, and you’re putting something on me called Tiger Balm?”

  Elena runs her fingers up the length of both of Julia’s shoulder blades and over her shoulders. “The irony is ridiculous, isn’t it?” She glances at Julia in the mirror, and their eyes lock. “Do you want me to rub this on your other bruises?”

  “On my rib cage?”

  Elena groans. “I’ve been doing it since it happened. It’s not like I’ve never seen you naked before.”

  “I mean, you don’t have to. I can handle it.”

  “Stop being an ass. Turn around, hold the towel up, and stand there.”

  “I almost forgot what a jerk you could be,” Julia says, barely above a whisper. She still does as she’s told, though, and is standing holding the towel up under her arms when she feels Elena’s hand slip under the terry cloth and land on her rib cage so very gently. Julia’s heart leaps into her throat when Elena’s soft fingers smooth over the bruised skin. It shouldn’t be turning Julia on, but it is. It really, really is. And when she looks at Elena, at her full lips and her beautiful eyes, all she can feel, besides the intense heat growing between her thighs, is the need to kiss her.

  “There,” Elena whispers as she pulls her hand away. “All done.”

  Julia’s eyes slide closed, and she draws a deep breath into her lungs. There’s not a bone in her body that doesn’t want to drop the towel and beg Elena to take her on the bathroom counter right now.

  But then she remembers riding back to the ranch on Leia and why she was even out there in the first place and why the fucking bruises are there.

  And the moment is fleeting. Even though she can still feel everything in between her legs.

  Chapter Twenty

  It’s been two weeks since Julia woke up, and every day she feels better and better. She moves back into her cabin four days after she wakes up, away from Elena, away from her eyes, where she feels as if she can breathe. Being around Elena was wonderful and horrifying all at the same time because Elena is all the things that Julia needs and wants. She’s comfort and love and beauty, and she’s home. Julia wasn’t sure if she was ready to forgive her yet, so seeing her in the mornings drinking coffee, reading the newspaper, making Julia eggs or pancakes and bacon…It was all just too much.

  Julia came to terms with the fact that she was in love with Elena after the hoedown, after their night together, after everything that the two shared. And every time she looked at Elena in the dimly lit bedroom with the really amazing, plum-colored sheets, she knew it was only a matter of time before she cracked and let Elena back over her poorly reconstructed walls.

  So she moved back to the cabin.

  Alone.

  And everything is the same. The bed is too small, and the sheets are too rough, and the lights are too harsh. All she can think about is how much she misses Elena’s smile and her cooking and her fingertips as she massages her bruises.

  But Julia is going to stay at the ranch. She’s not running. She promised Leia and Cole, dear sweet Cole.

  And Leia’s getting so much stronger, too. Every day, they go for a walk together. Never to the pasture. Not yet. But they still walk; Julia leads, and Leia follows, and Julia talks to Leia like she would a best friend. She tells Leia about her day, about her struggles, about how all she wants is things to go back to normal. She tells Leia about her foster life, about her biological parents, about jail time and relationships that went wrong. It makes Julia sad some days that Leia can’t just answer. It’d be so much easier.

  Julia is walking back to the barn with Leia when she hears boot steps approaching. She glances over her shoulder and sees that it’s Penn. Her heart isn’t ready for this altercation. Truthfully, she isn’t sure if she’ll ever be ready.

  “Julia?”

  She stops in her tracks, doesn’t look back, doesn’t really move other than rolling her eyes. “What?”

  “I’m really sorry.”

  Julia stands still, stoic, unwavering.

  “I just wanted to make sure we, me and Elena, make sure we were done. And we are. So, that’s all. You gotta understand.”

  She still doesn’t move.

  “I feel real bad for how this all shook out.”

  “You should feel bad.” Julia’s answer is mean, and she hopes it stung as much as it was supposed to.

  “Well, I do,” Penn says; her voice is forceful but unsure and shaking, and it’s a side of her that Julia has never seen. “You know Elena found you and Leia. As Leia was bringing you home. I was locking up and heard Elena shouting. Leia was carrying you on her back, and you were gripping her mane.” Penn pauses. “It’s my fault you were out there.”

  Julia cannot stop herself from turning around now to look at Penn standing there, her blue eyes sparkling with tears. There’s a part of her that wants to tell Penn she’s right. That it is her fault. But Julia knows that’s not true. It’s not Penn’s fault that Julia is so broken that she can’t handle anything emotional anymore. It’s no one’s fault but her own. “Penn, it wasn’t your fault,” Julia says calmly.

  “Yes, it was. I’m the asshole that tried to pull Elena away from being happy with you.”

  “I’m not going to disagree with you about being an asshole.” Julia shrugs. “You kinda deserve that. But,” she pauses, takes a few steps toward where Penn is standing on the dirt path, “I’m fucked up. And that is not your fault.”

  Penn loops her thumbs into the front pockets of her jeans. She ducks her head, then glances back up at Julia. “I should have never tried again with Elena, though. And I’m really sorry about that.”

  Julia looks away from Penn out across the property toward where the sun is setting and sighs.

  “You need to forgive her. She was hysterical when she saw the state you were in.”

  “I do not need your advice about love.” Julia huffs, her spine stiffening almost on command.

  “Love, eh?”

&n
bsp; “I just meant, like, matters of the heart or whatever.”

  Penn chuckles. “Ya know, Julia, your ‘stubborn ass’ routine is pretty cute. But let me give you a piece of advice, since I got about ten years on ya.” Penn stops and looks straight at Julia. “Sometimes, you just gotta say, ‘fuck it’ and go with what your heart wants. And we all know what Elena’s heart wants.” She starts to walk away from Julia but turns around and finishes with, “Don’t spend your life running from everyone. It’s gonna get tiring.”

  Julia watches Penn tip her cowboy hat, turn around smoothly, and walk away. She hates to admit it, but Penn is right. That thought alone makes her want to scream. And run. Straight for the hills and not look back.

  It really is good advice, though. She knows she should listen. She needs to listen to someone for once in her life. Why not listen to the one person she wants out of her life?

  * * *

  Elijah is waiting for Julia on the porch steps of the cabin after she has put Leia away. She has hardly talked to him since everything happened, and seeing him makes her throat sort of ache in a way she doesn’t know how to handle. Is this what missing a friend feels like?

  “City Girl,” he says, his voice filled with sincerity. “Figured I’d come see you since you’ve been avoiding me like the plague.”

  Julia’s mouth falls open. “Are you kidding me? You’ve barely said three words to me since the accident. What the hell am I supposed to do? Chase you around?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Well, yeah.” Elijah raises his eyebrows and flashes his teeth, and Julia starts to laugh. “I knew you’d laugh eventually.” He pats the open spot on the step. Julia sits, looks at him, then back out across the field. “You doin’ okay?”

  “I think so?”

  “Is that a question?”

  “Yeah,” she says with a soft snort. “I don’t know if I’m doing okay. I’m feeling better. That’s for sure.”

  “Then? What’s goin’ on in that head of yours?”

  “Oh, Jesus. That’s a loaded question.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “Penn just apologized for everything.”

  “Did something happen there?”

  Julia looks at Elijah, her eyebrow arched, her lips pursed. “Don’t be a dick. You know what happened.”

  He raises his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, okay. I didn’t want you to think we gossip about you.” He leans into her shoulder. “How’d the convo go? Do I need to rough her up again?”

  “Again? What do you mean?”

  Elijah’s face falls after his admission. He shrugs and rests his elbows on his knees. “I sort of,” he pauses, “got into a little bit of a, um, what do you call it? A ‘scuffle’?”

  “With Penn?”

  Elijah nods.

  “What the hell? She’s a woman.”

  “Fuck that. She fuckin’ kissed Elena and pissed you off, and she’s not even welcome here anymore.”

  Julia can’t fight the smile that appears on her lips. “What’d you do?”

  “Well, I didn’t hit her. But I went and talked to her and well, when she got pushy with me, she sort of stumbled and fell and landed in some fresh manure.”

  A giggle bubbles out of Julia’s mouth, and for the first time in a while, she’s actually laughing. Full on laughing. With Elijah. And it feels so very good. Even though her ribs are hurting, it still feels good. “I cannot believe that. Seriously?” He nods, and she leans into him a little harder. “I love ya, Elijah.”

  “I love ya, too, Jules. I’m glad you didn’t run away.”

  This is the first moment she’s actually glad she didn’t run away, too.

  * * *

  It’s not long before there’s a knock at Julia’s door while she’s eating popcorn on the couch, occupying herself so she doesn’t do something stupid like march over to Elena’s so she doesn’t have to be alone any longer. She wants to act as if she’s not home, but she knows that won’t work. She turns her head and shouts, “Come in,” over her shoulder, prays it isn’t Elena, and cringes when she hears the familiar footsteps and even more familiar exasperated sigh.

  “Seriously?”

  “What?” Julia asks, not moving from her spot or making eye contact.

  “You have got some nerve.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Julia cranes her neck and looks at Elena. Her arms are crossed, her skin is flushed, and her hair is a mess. She looks as if she’s going crazy. Or maybe that she’s already arrived at crazy. “What is going on?”

  “Oh, you know damn well what’s going on.”

  “Um—”

  “Uh, no, you just shut your mouth.”

  Elena’s tone makes Julia’s spine straighten. Julia wants to protest, but she’s learned a lot about Elena in the past months, and it’s best to just listen when told.

  Elena takes a couple steps into the house, her hand in the air. “You come here, to my ranch, and you disrupt my life, and you get close to my child, who absolutely thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, and…and…you make me fall in love with you, and then fine, I screwed it up, but I have been practically begging you to forgive me. Begging! You know everything that happened wasn’t just me. You know that was Penn, too! And yet, nothing. You still won’t budge. You sit in here, in my cabin, using my electricity, on my couch, reading.” Elena lunges at Julia and snatches the book out of her hands. “What the hell book is this anyway? The Horse Whisperer? Are you fucking kidding me!” She tosses the book up in the air and screams, her hands in fists, raised to the ceiling. “I cannot believe you, Julia Finch!”

  Julia cannot move. She’s paralyzed. She doesn’t even know what to say to defend herself because honestly, she’s not sure she wants to even try right now.

  “Are you even going to say anything?”

  Julia shakes her head.

  “I swear to Christ.”

  Julia watches Elena start to pace. She walks from the entryway to the window to the couch to the chair to the wall and then starts the loop all over again. Julia has never seen Elena like this in all the times she’s been around her. In a different setting, it might be comical. Right now? It’s freaking her out.

  “All I want is for you to realize that I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never meant for Leia to get hurt. I just wanted to—”

  Julia is standing now, and she’s positioned herself in front of Elena on one of her passes to the window. Elena stops abruptly, her breath audibly hitching in her throat. Julia can feel the electricity in the room surrounding them. “You fell in love with me?” Her question is so quiet, so smooth and gentle, that she barely feels as if she said it herself. But when she sees Elena’s eyes, the way the tears that have been threatening to fall since the moment she burst through the door, relinquish their rights to the territory, she knows she said it.

  “Yes,” Elena whispers. “I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you the moment you met Leia. I knew. In that instant…I knew.”

  “Elena.” Julia’s voice is caught in her throat.

  “I can’t keep doing this, Julia.”

  “Can’t keep doing what?”

  “This.” Elena motions to herself and then Julia. “Us. This back and forth thing. We don’t even do it well.”

  A smile starts to tug at the corner of Julia’s lips.

  “I don’t want you to be here in this cabin. I want you there.” Elena points at the house. “I want you with me. I need you with me. Please, come home with me.”

  “And Cole? He’s okay with this?”

  “Cole?” Elena raises her voice, and the screen door opens, slams shut, and in walks Cole. His ball cap is on backward, his hands are shoved into his jean pockets, and he’s all legs and arms.

  “Hi, Jules,” he says sheepishly. “I’m better than okay with this. You need to come home.” He pi
cks his head up and looks at Julia square in the eyes. “You’re the first person I’ve wanted Mom to be with in a long time. Shit, you’re the first person that’s understood me in a long time.”

  “Cole, language,” Elena says, followed by a groan.

  “Ma, come on.” Cole sighs. “I just mean, Jules, you’re like, part of us now. And who’s going to be there for Mom when I go to college?”

  Julia’s mouth falls open. “Whoa, what?” She looks at Cole, then at Elena, and then back at Cole. “Seriously? You got in?”

  Cole can no longer hide his smile when he turns his ball cap around and shows off a University of Illinois Chicago emblem. “I’m going to Chicago, Jules. In December. I start in January. I got in!”

  Julia rushes over to Cole and throws her arms around him. “I am so proud of you! I told you that you could do it. I knew it. I just knew it!” When she feels him hug her back, she realizes that she’s crying. She’s full on, tears streaming down her face, crying. She pulls away from him and wipes at her eyes with the sleeves of her T-shirt. “You’re going to love it so much.”

  “For the record, I wish you two would have consulted me about this,” Elena says as she walks up behind Julia and Cole.

  Julia spins around and runs her hand through her hair. “Well, yeah, I mean, that was all Cole’s fault.”

  “Jules, what the hell?”

  Elena just shakes her head.

  Julia laughs when Cole puts his arm over Julia’s shoulder. “Thanks for letting me do this, though, Mom. I know you’ll be okay since Julia will be with you.” He looks down at Julia and smiles. “Right?”

  Julia looks up at him, his glowing smile, his dark eyes that are so much like his mother’s, and his expression that is so filled with excitement that it really is contagious. “Right,” she says before looking at Elena. She reaches forward and intertwines her fingers with Elena’s. “So, I need to come home, eh?”