Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls,” he teased and I laughed.

  “Only the ones who like it a little rough,” I teased back, finally getting the car in reverse.

  “Speaking from experience?”

  “I think we both know I’m not,” I answered as I backed out of the garage slowly.

  “Fantasy, then.”

  I snorted. “Tate.”

  “What?”

  Oo, was that a hint of jealousy in Mr Cucumber-Cool’s voice?

  “Tate’s got a… To call the things that guy comes up with as dirty might be putting it mildly, actually.” I stalled the car as I tried to get it into first gear and sighed.

  I finally got the car moving like the engineers intended and Topher still hadn’t said anything. I slid a look at him out of the corner of my eyes and found him staring straight ahead like I’d just told him bananas were alien dicks or something (dude liked banana, might not if he heard that. I’ve gone a little off them now myself.).

  “What?” I asked him as I made for the beach.

  He rearranged in his seat and cleared his throat. “Nothing. What?”

  I smiled. “Uh huh. You just go oddly silent on everyone?”

  “No. I, uh… Just… You and Hennessey seem tight,” he said awkwardly and I knew what he was thinking; despite previous conversations, it was the same thing everyone seemed to think when any of my four guy friends and anything resembling sex came up.

  “Seriously?” I asked as I just managed to not stall the car again.

  “What?”

  “Why does everyone assume there’s something going on just because we’re friends?”

  “Because it’s weird.”

  “It’s weird?”

  “Yeah. It’s weird to actually be friends with people of the opposite sex.”

  I scoffed. “That is bullshit, Christopher.”

  “It’s not. How many girls am I friends with?”

  “I promise you, it’s not because girls and guys can’t be just friends.”

  “Well, what is it then?”

  “It’s because you’re a chauvinistic asshole who only thinks with his dick,” I huffed as I finally got the transmission to behave.

  “Thank you.”

  I would not dignify that with a laugh. “That was not a compliment. Besides, what about me and Ander?”

  “What about you?”

  “You think we’re boning when I stay over?”

  Topher laughed. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “You said yourself, that’s different.”

  “How is it different?”

  “Like you said, you guys are like siblings. The idea of the two of you…together is ridiculous.”

  “And yet, I have to be boning Tate?”

  “Hennessey–”

  “Has a reputation, I know,” I sighed.

  “What? No! I was going to say is different. What kind of reputation does he have?”

  “You sound worried, Toph,” I laughed. “Worried the skater boy’s going to steal all your girls?”

  “Trust me, the girls I want have no interest in him.”

  I snorted.

  “What?” he asked, incredulous.

  “If they heard half the things I did, they would.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means Tate may as well have fallen out of one of Aunt Jelly’s romance books, except he doesn’t know it. Guy’s got a filthy mind and no qualms about following through with it, but he has no idea that girls dig it.”

  “Girls ‘dig’ that?”

  I shrugged; everything I’d seen said yes. “Seems so. The idea of it at least, I think.”

  “And, you’re one of these girls?”

  I snuck a look at him as I turned the corner. “Jealousy does not suit you.”

  “I’m not jealous. I’m interested.”

  “In my lack-of-sex life?”

  “In you in general.”

  “Not happening, Christopher.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I’m curious about what goes on in that head of yours.”

  I nodded. “Sure you are.”

  “I am.”

  I pulled into a carpark, turned off the car and looked at him. “I don’t know what I’m into, to be honest. I don’t have enough experience. Maybe I like bondage?” I watched his eyes go wide and quickly added, “I doubt it, but I don’t know. I’ve kissed like five guys, how am I supposed to know what I’m into or not? I find Tate’s dirty mind…” I looked at my lap, “amusing and I guess a little intriguing. The concept’s even a little sexy. But, I don’t know if I’d like it in… Well, you know. I do know, though, that I don’t want it from Tate.”

  “So, you and Hennessey are not a thing?”

  “Haven’t been. Are not. Never will be.” I looked back at him again. “Why does it matter to you?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  I nodded and we sat in an awkward silence for a while until he cleared his throat again.

  “Uh, okay. So, we could walk?” he said.

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  We got out of the car and headed towards the boardwalk. It wasn’t busy, as Topher had predicted. There were a few people here and there, but there was no one we knew and no one who’d bother about a couple of kids wandering along on a Wednesday afternoon.

  It was just warm enough that I wished I’d worn shorts, but the breeze against my bare shoulders was nice. It whipped my hair around my face and I cursed my lack of hair tie. As I brushed it away from my face for what felt like the millionth time, I tried to find something to talk about.

  “So, you sick of school yet?”

  He snorted. “Really?”

  “What?”

  “Small talk just isn’t you, Ads.”

  I smiled, shoved my hands in my pockets and looked down to watch my feet scuff the light dusting of sand on the walkway. “Okay. Well, what do you want to talk about?”

  “Who says we need to talk?”

  “How about the fact that silence is weird?”

  “You’re weird. What’s wrong with silence?”

  “I dunno. Doesn’t it, like, make your skin crawl?”

  He laughed. “Uh, no. I can’t say it does.”

  “It doesn’t make you uncomfortable?”

  “Nope.”

  “You don’t just want to talk about something?”

  “Is there something you want to talk about?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “You sure? There’s nothing on your mind that you want to talk about?”

  I shrugged my shoulders awkwardly. “No.”

  “Really? Silence doesn’t feel weird because there’s something you want to say to me?”

  “I thought we weren’t talking about it?”

  “About what?” he asked innocently.

  I smacked him before kicking off my shoes and starting to roll my overalls up further. “You know what. We said we weren’t talking about that.”

  “Well, we’ve done a bang-up job on that so far.”

  “Doesn’t mean we have to continue now.”

  “Okay. Consider my lips sealed.”

  I looked over at him and found him rolling up his jeans as well, skinny as they were.

  “How is there even enough give in those things to roll them up and not cut off all circulation?”

  “Oh, I don’t have circulation. My blood just kind of rushes–”

  “Oh. Nope!” I snorted as I stepped onto the sand proper and was really pleased it wasn’t still hot enough to burn your feet off.

  “What?”

  “All the nope. No. I know where that’s going and I want no part of that.”

  “What?” he chuckled like he was totally innocent.

  I smiled at him as we walked over the beach. “I thought we’d established a ‘no making me think o
f your dick’ rule.”

  “I just like to see you smile, Ads. If that means breaking the rules, then I’ll break the rules.”

  “God, how do you get a much as you do when those are the lines you’re using? You’re so cheesy!”

  “You know, I think you and Aunt Jelly are about the only girls who actually pay any real attention to anything that comes out of my mouth.”

  “In that case, why don’t you do us all a favour and stop spouting absolute nonsense.”

  “Because I don’t know how else to be.”

  “That is just sad.”

  “Why? It’s just who I am.”

  “A flirt?”

  “For one, yeah.”

  “You could not be.”

  “Why? It’s fun. I like it.” He laughed. “And, contrary to popular belief I don’t just flirt with girls to hook up with them.”

  “I find that very hard to believe.”

  “I’m serious. I just… I dunno. I like it. I like seeing people smile.”

  “You, who walks around only sarcastically happy, like to see people smile?”

  “I’m not only sarcastically happy, Ads.”

  I looked at him and found he wasn’t today, no. There was still a hint of condescension about him and a shit ton of humour in his eyes. But, overall, he looked more at ease and his smile was more sincere.

  “You usually are.”

  “I’m not now.”

  “Yeah. Why is that?”

  He shrugged. “Couldn’t tell you if I wanted to.”

  I frowned at him. “Why not?”

  He mimed zipping up his lips. “I’m not allowed to talk about it.”

  Oh, so now he sticks to it?

  Before he changed his mind, I tried to keep him talking. “Why are you always on, Toph?” I asked as I scuffed dangerously close to the water’s edge.

  “Because I’m shallow.”

  I looked up at him quickly. “Seriously?”

  He smirked. “Yeah, maybe. But, I guess it’s because people expect Kit Henderson to act a certain way and I’m more than happy to oblige.”

  “So, the most popular dillweed of Saint Basils is actually just a performing monkey?”

  He nudged me gently. “What you call performing monkey, I call having friends.”

  “You totally sold out!”

  “I didn’t sell out.”

  “You so did.” I stopped walking to look at him. “What? You think people won’t like you if you’re the real you?”

  “I don’t really see you lining up with the ‘real’ me.” He used air quotes and all. “And, who says I can’t be more than one me? You’re the one who wants to be able to be the alt girl but wear pink.”

  “This is a little different than what clothes you wear, Topher.”

  “Is it? Because where I’m standing, it’s not. Tell me you’re not a little different with all the guys? Hennessey, Will, Gomez, even Lex. You can’t honestly say there aren’t parts you show and hide with different people. It’s just what we do, Addy.”

  He was right. To a degree.

  Ander, I was one hundred percent my whole self with. But, with the other boys, I pretended I didn’t get insecure sometimes or I was stronger than I really was. With Tate, I was a little more flirty and dirty. With Will, I was kinder and nicer. With Derek, I was more sarcastic and blustery.

  I looked up at Topher and realised I was different with him too. With him, I tried to be less of a klutzy spaz. Of course, because it was me and my natural brilliance was too much to tame, it didn’t work all that well. But, I still tried.

  “Yeah. But, you don’t need to be different. Everyone falls all over you just because you’re you.”

  He scoffed. “Uh, no they don’t.”

  “Name one single person who doesn’t.”

  “Um, Addison Angela MacGuire.”

  I gave him a withering glare for bringing out the middle name. “I don’t count.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re just my best friend’s annoying older brother.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me. “Really? That’s all I am?”

  “Yes.”

  If that was true, why did I get one of those flutters? And, why was he looking at me like he knew I had one of those flutters? More to the point, why was he looking at me like maybe he had one of those flutters, too?

  “That’s it? Nothing more?” he asked.

  “Nothing more than a huge pain in my ass who thinks he’s so wonderful.”

  He was smirking, but his eyes were less readable. They were a little harder and had lost all of their humour. He nodded slowly. “Okay. Fine. I mean, here I was thinking we were at least friends…”

  “What?”

  In all the capacities I thought about Topher – and we all know they’re not all good – friends was not one of them. I mean, now he’d brought it up, I guess I wasn’t in a hurry to say we weren’t…per se. But, there was something that made me want to add a ‘but’ to that.

  “You’re now going to tell me we’re not even friends?” His eyes widened in disbelief.

  I looked at him in surprise. “I guess we’re not…not friends. But, we’re not friends, friends. Right? I mean, friends have stuff in common. What do we have in common?”

  He looked shocked, and not in a good way. “Really? Uh, well Lex and Aunt Jelly for one, and how much they mean to us. Camaros would be another. We’ve recently discovered, thanks to Aunt Jelly’s influence, we both like Three Days Grace and Simple Plan more than we probably should. And, we’ve got a shitload of shared experiences, including Aunt Jelly’s foray into fine dining.”

  I grimaced, remembering that well. “That doesn’t really make us friends.”

  “Really? Why not? What’s the difference between me and Lex?”

  Oh my God, so much. “You don’t tend to kiss friends,” burst out of me unbidden.

  “No. I don’t tend to kiss friends. But, I’m thinking you do.”

  I frowned and kicked water at him in annoyance. “I beg your pardon?”

  He sighed. “No. I mean, you’re not the kind of girl to kiss someone you don’t know.”

  “Unlike you and your unnamed club hookups.”

  “What do you know about my club hookups?”

  I kicked water at him again. “I know you go out and hookup with whoever, wherever.”

  “Do you?” he asked. “And, how do you know this?”

  “Because you’re Hendo. It’s what you,” I kicked water at him one more time,” do.”

  He grabbed me around the middle, pulling me off the ground and walking away from the water’s edge. “Will you stop doing that?” He sounded exasperated, but he was smiling. It was much the same way he’d said my name at the party.

  “I have every right to–”

  My shoes dropped from my hands as he kissed me. Then, the shock wore off and I was kissing him back, my fingers in his hair. He lowered me back down gently and I looked up at him in annoyance.

  “If you say anything about this…”

  “I’m not the one talking,” he replied with a grin, his hands on either side of my face.

  We kissed again, until I pulled away and said, “I’m serious, Christopher. We had a no talking deal–”

  “And, you’re the only one breaking it right now.”

  The way he was looking at me made my heartbeat jump into overdrive.

  So, instead of arguing with him or worrying about any unlikely or remotely possible consequences, I just kissed him. I was a little enthusiastic and we tumbled to the ground. But, my lips found his again as he lay half over me on the sand, his leg between mine.

  Topher’s hand was sure and firm as it ran over my hip and he kissed me deeper which was totally fine by me.

  Suddenly, everything Aunt Jelly had said hit me and I wondered if this was what she’d meant by I’d know when going further didn’t feel wrong. Obviously
not on the beach; there were potential witnesses, plus the whole public indecency thing, plus sand. I wasn’t so far gone in lust with Topher that I was going to have sex with him on a beach in the middle of the afternoon – not for my first time or any time after that.

  I couldn’t have said with any certainty that I would have had sex with him had we been in his bedroom; the idea didn’t feel wrong, but I couldn’t be sure it felt totally right either. Although, we’ve established it could totally have been the circumstances.

  So, I kept kissing him and tried not to think about whether I would or wouldn’t have given up my virginity to my best friend’s older brother. Because I enjoyed kissing him and the less complicated it could be, the better.

  Finally, though, we had to stop and head back to his place.

  He pulled away begrudgingly, touching his forehead to mine. “Lex will be home by now…”

  I nodded, both of us breathing heavily. “Probably.”

  “I mean, I’m happy to stay here and–”

  “No. No, we should head back.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay.”

  Topher didn’t argue, he didn’t try to make me change my mind, he didn’t say anything else. He just jumped up and helped pull me off the sand.

  He held my hand on the way back to the car, but we didn’t talk. And, the silence didn’t feel overly awkward. It more felt like we were both just savouring the last few moments of what had happened because we both knew things would be different when we got in the car.

  He stopped at the driver’s door. “You good to drive?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. If that’s okay?”

  He smiled. “Of course. Not much longer to get the hours in.”

  I bit my lip uncertainly. “Yeah.”

  Topher stared into my eyes for a second, then I thought he was going to kiss me again. But, he just pressed his lips to my forehead and went to the passenger door. I unlocked the car and we both sat to get as much sand off our feet as possible before putting our shoes back on and driving home.

  Ander took one look at our sandy, dishevelled states when we walked in the door and packed out laughing. “You guys have a fight?”

  “Two actually,” I answered, watching as Topher jogged up the stairs. He started going in slow motion for a moment, but I collected myself. “I beat him mercilessly.”

  Ander snorted. “I don’t doubt it. Dude should know what he’s getting into with you.”