Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “He should. I’m going to shower, yeah?”

  “Sure thing. Love you!” he called as I headed upstairs.

  “Love you, too, babe,” I called back, glad Topher’s door was closed as I went past it and his music was on.

  I had a totally corny moment where I lay my hand on the door and wondered about what if life were different – I didn’t go too far into it, I didn’t really want to know what I’d come up with. Then, I shook it off, told myself to forget it and went to scrub off all evidence of my tumble in the sand with Topher.

  Chapter Eleven

  And, this was why I spent as little time under my parents’ roof as possible.

  “The least you could do was look like a young woman, Addison!” my mother said with that tone that said I wasn’t even worth her time reprimanding, but she felt an annoying sense of obligation just because I’d been unfortunate enough to come from her body.

  “Well, it’s not like I look like a deformed hermit!” I shouted at her.

  My mother rolled her eyes. “By a narrow margin, maybe.”

  “My body came in fine, thank you. Monsters and all.” I pointed to my boobs as if she might have forgotten where we tended to keep them.

  She knew exactly where that phrase had come from and she pointed at me. “That boy is the reason you’ve never had a boyfriend.”

  “Not everything is about boyfriends, Sonya. And that boy, as you’re so fond of calling him, is the only real family I have!”

  She gave me a condescending smile that told me she pitied my naïveté. “It’s your obsession with him and his…lifestyle that make you so undesirable to men, Addison. But, do you think he’s going to stick around when he’s getting everything he needs from any other girl who isn’t the one who’s clung to him for a decade in the hopes he might ever notice her.”

  “He does notice me, you miserable bitch!” Yes, I realised calling your mother a miserable bitch was not the way to get her on side and it was incredibly rude, but that didn’t make it any less true. “I don’t need a boyfriend for validation.” I might have liked one so I didn’t always feel quite as undesirable as my own mother could make me feel, but I didn’t need one to be happy. “Unlike you, my life doesn’t revolve around what other people think of me.”

  “Is it a crime to fit in?” she sighed, like she was bored of me and of the argument. Well, I wasn’t the one who’d started it. “To wear a nice dress, use less eyeliner and more concealer, actually brush your hair now and then? To be like everyone else?”

  I wasn’t going to bother trying to enlighten my mother on the whole ‘everyone’s different’ thing because she wouldn’t believe me anyway. In Sonya MacGuire’s mind, there was only one sort of teenage girl and she was pretty and proper and had boys lining up to date her. And, if that wasn’t you, then you’re a freak (sorry about that, but welcome to the club).

  “I don’t want to be like everyone else! I want to be me. I like me. I’m not defined by who wants to hook up with me…or the lack thereof.”

  “And, we all know how much lack there is.”

  See, when Ander and I said things like that, it was okay. I’d even let Topher get away with it. When it was my mother? Not so much. “It’s none of your business anyway.”

  “It’s my business to see my family successful.”

  “Yeah,” I scoffed. “Your version of successful.”

  “If you were a touch more discerning, perhaps you wouldn’t be alone–”

  “I’m not alone!” Honestly, you’d think I was a hermit, the way the woman went on.

  She continued like I hadn’t interrupted. “By the time I was your age, I’d already started dating your father–”

  “In what universe would I want to end up like you?”

  “The one in which you had a steady husband, a beautiful home, a comfortable,” my mother’s term for what most people called lavish, “lifestyle, and four children.”

  I was so done. I felt tears threatening, but knew she’d only see them as another weakness. So, I did what she did best and I just threw insults at her.

  “Don’t forget to sign me up for that serious dose of narcissism, a one-way ticket to Delusion-ville, a stone-cold heart, and probably a severe case of the clap because my husband sleeps with any legal woman in the vicinity that isn’t me unless absolutely necessary!”

  All pretend humour on my mother’s face fell and she glared at me. “How dare you–”

  “No, Sonya. How dare you! I’m your daughter. You’re supposed to love me for me. Not try to squash me into the life you had planned for me. So, I don’t do princesses or pink or pretty dresses? So, I like to skate and rough-house and I don’t care what my hair looks like? So what! You chose to have me and I am terribly sorry I didn’t live up to your ridiculous expectations. But, I’m my own human being with a right to live my life the way I want. The only person I’m apparently hurting is you. And, that’s only because you’re a shallow, vain, unhappy woman who can’t fathom how I get through my life without needing other people to tell me I’m worthwhile.”

  I was lucky that my mother thought it was more important that people saw her providing for her family than how she felt about me or she probably would have tried to convince my father to cut me off. But, as it was, she (read: he) paid for anything that was asked for – not that that was much – as well as what was necessary – like school fees and uniform – despite how much she hated me.

  I was also lucky I had my keys and phone in my pocket, because I stormed out of the house and didn’t look back. I ignored the fact that random torrential spring rain seemed like it was trying to drown me. I just shoved my hands in my skirt pockets, bowed my head, and walked. Unsurprisingly, I found myself at the Hendersons’ and decided I’d let myself in the back and then slip up to Ander’s room, hopefully unnoticed.

  I pushed the back door closed quietly behind me. Although, if Aunt Jelly was in bed, it wouldn’t wake her anyway (and the likelihood that Topher was home on a Saturday night was laughable). So, if I could avoid Aunt Jelly for the moment, that would be great. I loved her, but I just didn’t have the energy for her brand of comfort just then. I just needed Ander.

  Figuring it would be better to chuck it straight in the laundry, I tried to wrestle my wet shirt off as I turned. I had it caught around my head when I heard something that made everything flush hot and I froze.

  “Are you going to make a habit of ripping your clothes off around me? Or, should I just enjoy it while it lasts?”

  I took a deep breath and told myself it was fine. A blue bra wasn’t that much different to my bathers. Besides, Topher had seen me in my sexiest underwear and I hadn’t died. We’d made out on the beach and I hadn’t died. So, it would be fine. The fact I’d caved in and allowed that woman to make me cry on the way over was going to have to wait. At least the tears had got lost in the rain.

  “Yes, Topher. Because I just cannot contain my lust for you. Take me now,” I mono-toned and would have been close to lying had it not been for the run-in with my mother.

  He laughed. “Way to boost a guy’s ego.”

  “Toph, I don’t think your ego needs boosting,” I muttered, giving up on struggling with my shirt for a second. “If it had any more thrust, it’d be well into the stratosphere.”

  “You’re such a nerd,” he chuckled and I registered he’d come closer. I felt his fingers brush my skin as he helped me get my shirt off and I ignored the tingly goose bumps.

  I took my shirt from Topher and went to throw it in the laundry trough.

  “Nerd and proud. Tell me. Do you not like your girls intelligent because you think it emasculates you?” I asked him with a huff as I walked back into the kitchen. “Or, is it just that smart girls see right through you?”

  His crooked grin grew for a moment, then I looked up at him fully and it fell. “Addy? What’s up?”

  I breathed in and looked away from him. “Nothing. Why?”


  “Because you look worse than that time you got itching powder up your nose and your eyeliner ran tracks down your face.”

  He might not have been wrong about how awful I’d looked that day – Ander and I still laughed over the pictures – but, today was a little more than itching powder and runaway makeup.

  “Rule the first, Topher. Insulting people usually puts them in a bad mood.”

  He shrugged. “Sorry. But, it’s true. Are you okay?”

  I rubbed my nose. “Fine. I just came to see Ander. You know, I’m known to do that.”

  “Sure. But, he’s not home. I’m the only one here.”

  I was sure everything about that sentence was weird, especially for a Saturday night. I knew we didn’t keep track of every minute detail of each other’s lives, but I thought I would have known if Ander was going out. Oh, well. It was probably last minute and he’d assumed I was busy with the dinner at my parents’ that my dad had talked me into then bailed on which resulted in the yelling with my mother.

  “That’s fine. I’ll wait.” I started heading for the stairs.

  “Ads, I know I’m not Lex. But,” he paused, “I’m here for you, if you’ll let me…”

  I looked back at him, willing the tears not to start again.

  Between the options of sitting in Ander’s room alone for who knew how long and letting Topher in a little, I knew what was the most undesirable of those options just then. So, I turned back to him, strode over and just wrapped my arms around his waist.

  He seemed surprised, but slowly he relaxed and put his arms around me.

  “You want to talk about it?” he asked softly, his head bent to mine.

  I shook my head against his t-shirt. “No.”

  “Okay. Just – yes or no – something happened at home?” I didn’t move. “Was it something else?”

  I shook my head again because it wasn’t anything else and I didn’t know how I felt about the weird way he asked that like he was going to go all Hulk-smash on whoever had upset me.

  “Okay. Can I do anything?”

  I laughed a little at the way he sounded so uncertain to stave off the tears that threatened. “Don’t worry, Toph. I wouldn’t ruin your reputation by believing you were capable of caring,” I said as I pulled away from him.

  He caught my chin and made me look at him. “I do care. At least, I care about you.”

  “Lying doesn’t suit you, Christopher,” I told him with a frown.

  “Fuck’s sake, Ads,” he muttered.

  Then, he pulled me closer and kissed me. I got caught up in the moment before I had the sense to pull away enough to speak.

  “You can’t just kiss me whenever I say something you don’t like, Topher,” I informed him. Although, given the way my breath caught and my chest hitched every time he did kiss me, I was half-crazy enough to make sure I said things he didn’t like just so he’d kiss me again and again.

  “Well, it’s that or we argue. What’s your preference?” he asked as our lips found each other again and I was making no moves to pull away this time.

  “We just argue so well,” I said between kisses.

  “Sorry, is this not up to your standards?” he chuckled against my lips as his hand tightened on my hip.

  “Look, I don’t want to complain. But…” I trailed off with a laugh.

  He growled playfully, picked me up, swung us around and sat me on the kitchen bench. Our kiss deepened and all of our hands took ample opportunity to investigate each other’s bodies. My legs pulled him closer until we were practically dry humping each other and I totally lost track of time as I enjoyed every single inch of him. My stomach fluttered and my chest tightened.

  I came back to my senses as he was pulling my hands from the top of his jeans.

  “Woah, Ads… What’re you doing?” he asked, breathless.

  I felt like a complete idiot; it seemed my mother was right about some things after all. “Of course. Because even you wouldn’t want to sleep with me.”

  I started to slide off the counter, but he stopped me.

  “No, Ads.”

  I hadn’t expected him to admit it! “What?”

  He rolled his eyes and winced. “No. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just…” He paused and raked his hand through his hair, making a weirdly annoyed grunt like he didn’t know what to say. “But, that’s not all I want from you, Addy. We could have sex now or not at all, and it wouldn’t change the way I feel about you.”

  My heart jumped and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to believe my best friend’s older brother did actually find me desirable. My feelings aside, we’d been doing just what we said we’d do and not talked about Wednesday at the beach. You can be sure I’d thought about it a lot, but Topher and I had just been acting like nothing had happened from the moment we’d got back in his Camaro.

  “How do you feel about me?”

  He sighed, but he smiled. “I don’t really know how to put it into words. But, I like you. I mean, yeah, I want to sleep with you. But, I also just like being around you and I don’t expect anything’s going to happen–”

  “So help me, Topher,” I said, forgetting all about my mother and focussing entirely on the way I felt like I needed to caution the way my chest fluttered at his words. “If that’s a line you use to–”

  He huffed a laugh, cutting me off. “I know better than to try using lines on you. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about you, or why I want to kiss you so badly, or why every morning the first thing I want to see is your smile. But, I do. I don’t know what this is, Addy. But, I can’t get enough of you anymore.”

  And, if there was anything anyone could say that would make you consider giving into the teenage lust hormones rampaging through your body, anything that would make you think going further was completely right, it would probably be that. But, I was going to have a little more self-control than that. Or, I was going to try anyway.

  “Wow. You think you’re pretty slick, don’t you?” I asked, trying not to smile.

  “You call it slick. I call it sincere.”

  “Sincere?”

  He nodded self-satisfactorily. “I’ve been known to be sincere on the odd occasion.”

  I scoffed. “When?”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist. “When it comes to Aunt Jelly. When it comes to Lex. And, when it comes to you.”

  Well, I couldn’t really call him out on that without lying to him, could I? He might have been Captain Sarcastic more often than not, but I knew he still loved the people close to him.

  “What are we doing, Topher?” I asked him softly.

  “I don’t know. I just know I like the way I feel when I’m with you.”

  I looked up into those dark blue eyes. It was so rare to see them soft and hesitant. It’s not like Topher was an angry guy – you know, with eyes as hard as his abs or any of that clichéd bullshit. But, there was usually a hefty dose of sarcasm or condescension or humour or self-satisfaction in his eyes. I hadn’t been entirely facetious at the beach when I’d called him a performing monkey. But, there was currently none of that.

  There was none of that and yet, despite the fact that they looked eerily similar, I didn’t feel like I was staring into Ander’s eyes while I was half-naked on his kitchen bench with him between my legs. I could see the similarity between the two brothers, but even though Ander had looked at me with a very similar, soft emotion in his eyes, there was nothing familiar about that look in Topher’s. So, you know, that was good.

  And really, what do you say to something like that, anyway?

  There’s the truth – that I felt the same; that I liked the way I felt when I was with him, too – but how ridiculous would it sound to say so? I mean, can we all say teen movie cliché? I knew where that would lead. One bad cliché after another, it would lead to me falling into Topher’s bed and losing all semblance of dignity I thought I still held, right or wrong be damned.

>   So, what did I do?

  “I like the way I feel when I’m with you, too,” was what I said, complete with unintentional coy smile, a bite of my lip and a flutter of excitement running through me.

  And I saw where it was going; through the kisses, the touches, the passion, all the way until I totally fell onto his bed, him falling right along with me and our lips barely leaving each other. His shirt came off, my skirt came off, his jeans were gone. Teen cliché or not, I was completely willing to see it through. I was totally into the idea of sleeping with Topher. I was sure going further was definitely the right choice…

  Until, I suddenly wasn’t.

  Topher’s hand reached behind my back to my bra clasp and it suddenly hit me what sleeping with Topher meant. My body was all for it – in fact, it practically screamed for it – but, my brain was just as loud and it was all sorts of ‘pump the breaks’.

  I put a hand on Topher’s chest. “Toph. Toph. Wait. I can’t…” I breathed.

  He looked at me for a moment, confused, “What?” then the realisation of something hit him and he pulled away. “Shit. Addy, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying… I didn’t mean to push… I–”

  I pulled myself to sitting against his pillows. “It’s okay, Toph. You didn’t–”

  He shook his head. “It’s not okay.”

  I took a deep breath. Even if Topher got annoyed or teased me or whatever, I’d be honest with him because I’d known him practically forever.

  “It is. I thought I was okay with it, but I’m just not ready.”

  He looked at me carefully. “You changed your mind?”

  I nodded slowly. “Yeah. Is that okay?”

  He smiled. “Okay? Of course it’s okay.”

  I was a little surprised by his reaction, although I wasn’t sure why. “You’re not mad?”

  He huffed a small laugh. “Why would I be mad?”

  I shrugged and looked down. “I don’t know. Maybe you thought I was leading you on, or something?”

  Topher cupped my chin and tilted it to make me look at him. “Sonny, you can change your mind. It doesn’t mean you were leading me on. You could have had sex with…twenty guys… We could have had sex twenty times before and it would still be okay for you to have changed your mind. Like I said before, we could never have sex and that’s okay.”