Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “You want tea or coffee?”

  I walked into the kitchen. “I know I challenged you with patience, but this seems extreme even for you. I thought you wanted to kiss me?”

  He grinned at me. “No one’s home, so I can kiss you anywhere you are.”

  “Oh, you think I’m going to kiss you in the kitchen?” I asked, leaning against the bench while he turned on both the kettle and the coffee machine. We both just ignored the fact it wouldn’t be the first time I’d kissed him in the kitchen.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’d hate to make assumptions, Addy.” He gave me a devilish wink. “Tea or coffee.”

  I fought a smile. “I’m good.”

  “Oh, there something else you want?” he teased.

  Yes, actually, there was. But, I wanted his composure and patience to crack before mine. So, I shook my head. “No, no. All good.”

  He frowned at me. “Every time that question’s been asked in the time I’ve known you, you have never not wanted a tea or a coffee,” he said suspiciously.

  Damn. He was right. I shrugged. “First time for everything.”

  He looked me over. “Yeah, there is.”

  I snorted at the insinuation in his tone. “Wow. Really?”

  He shrugged. “What? I said I wasn’t waiting and I’m not. But, I can think about it, can’t I?”

  Considering I’d been thinking about it, yeah I thought it was more than fair that he got to, too. In fact, I actually liked that he was thinking about it. I liked that I knew he was thinking about it, but I didn’t feel any pressure.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You guess?” he chuckled. He turned to me and leant his hands on the bench to my sides, leaning towards me. “You guess?”

  I shrugged coquettishly. “I can’t tell you what to think, Toph.”

  He looked me over, his eyes soft even if there was a cocky tilt to his lips. But, as we just looked at each other, even that softened.

  “I told you once you were worth begging for and I meant it. I’m not above begging for you…” he said gently.

  My breath caught and I smiled. “That doesn’t seem very sexy.”

  Humour lit hits eyes. “I don’t care. I can be honest with you, Addy, and that means I’ll beg you to tell me we’re doing this if I have to.”

  “I thought you already knew my answer?”

  He shook his head wryly. “Assumption doesn’t equal consent.”

  I couldn’t help smiling. “Well, I’ll save you some dignity, then. We’re doing this, Topher. If you still want to?”

  He broke out into the most gorgeous smile that almost made him look five years younger again; gone was the practised, older smoulder to be replaced with pure happiness.

  “Hell, yes. Yes. You’re the only girl I want to kiss. Of course I still want to.” One of his hands found their way to my hip. “Does that mean I get to kiss you now?”

  Totally knowing what my answer was, I pretended to think about it until he growled in mock-annoyance and wrapped me in a hug.

  “Okay!” I giggled. “Okay, yes. It means you get to kiss me now.”

  “Whenever I want?”

  “Not whenever…”

  He pulled back to look at me quizzically. “Okay. Ground rules?”

  I frowned for a second, then nodded. “Okay. At school, everything stays the same. This isn’t for show. Publically, we’re taking this slow. Like, we’re taking this slower than your internet on a bad day slow–”

  “Well, damn,” he chuckled, actually having no idea about these things past being pissed he could barely stream anything when someone else was using the internet (what was he streaming? Let’s not ask) and Ander constantly complaining that a 500KB/s maximum speed was ridiculous (welcome to Adelaide internet).

  “No one who’s not directly affected needs to know…yet?” I said, waiting to see what he thought of that.

  He seemed to think, then he gave a single nod. “Okay. That it?”

  “I think so. For now.”

  The corner of his lip quirked, “Good,” then he was kissing me.

  Everything fluttered and tingled in excitement. And, I don’t mean that sexually. I’d never really realised that happiness could feel like it was bubbling up inside you. But, I had this weird warming feeling that made me smile against his lips and I felt like I was going to laugh. And, weirdly, it had been caused by this great dillweed of a human being just because he wanted to kiss me and no one else.

  Topher pulled away slowly and my lips made to follow his as he chuckled. He looked like I felt; unbidden and uncontrollable smile, his eyes bright and unable to leave my face.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi,” I laughed.

  “So, we’re really doing this.”

  I nodded. “We’re doing this.”

  He turned back to the coffee machine with a huge smile on his face.

  “Oh, you done kissing me now?” I teased, trying to hide the fact that my chest was fluttering uncontrollably and trying to just act normal.

  “For now.”

  “For now? Okay. Well, if you’re done for now. I’m going to get changed.”

  “You want some help with that?”

  A completely undignified snort escaped me. “I’d assumed now this was a…thing, I wouldn’t have to deal with your total cheesiness.”

  “Ha, joke’s on you. Now this is a…thing,” he winked at me, “you just get to hear more of my awesomeness.”

  I shook my head, “Yeah, all right, then,” and pushed off the counter.

  “So, that’s a no on the offer for help, then?” he hedged and I laughed.

  “Not today, Toph.”

  He nodded, “Fair,” and I headed out as he called, “Tea or coffee?”

  “Tea, please!” I replied as I jogged up the stairs.

  After I closed Ander’s door behind me, I launched myself onto his bed and screamed excitedly into my pillow. Then, I rolled over and couldn’t wipe the smile off my face while I chuckled and giggled to myself like a looney.

  Part of me couldn’t believe we were doing this. What was I even supposed to do now? I mean, we’d still tease each other and torment each other, surely? But, did I, like, kiss him when I walked past him now? Or, only when we were alone? What were the rules to sort-of-not-really dating your best friend’s older brother?

  “What do we do now?” I muttered to myself, losing my smile a little and sitting up.

  I couldn’t help remembering Ander’s words; be done doing whatever I needed to do before he got home. But, the problem was I didn’t know what I needed to do. Was there something I was supposed to be doing?

  My conversation with Aunt Jelly swam around my head, which made me think of the way Topher made me feel, and whether or not I’d ever have sex with him. Out of the moment, it didn’t feel wrong, but neither did it feel all-consumingly right. I wasn’t about to go downstairs in my raciest lingerie and just ask him, “how about it?” But then, I also didn’t know how you had sex without planning it to the point it felt weird, or without it being almost an accident. How did you do it naturally?

  I didn’t really know why sex had to be so difficult, why it had to feel like this huge thing looming ahead of you that could make or break your life. It was stupid and I wasn’t convinced it should feel that way. Shouldn’t it just be one of those things you eventually do like learn to drive or have your first sip of alcohol or getting to vote for the first time? One of those things you might have been excited and nervous about (or not), but without it being such a big deal.

  Question was, how did I make it less of a big deal? How did I stop feeling like it was this huge weird taboo subject? I had no answers, but I supposed I just had to let it go and see where life took me.

  “And, we’ll stop being so melodramatic and weird while we’re at it,” I mumbled as I pulled myself off Ander’s bed and got changed.

  By the time I meandered do
wnstairs again, I’d convinced myself that whatever my head was trying to tell me was a big deal really wasn’t a big deal at all.

  “Hey,” Topher said, just like he usually would, as he barely looked up from his phone and drank his coffee. “Thought you might have got lost.”

  “Oh, were you about to send a search party?” I asked, picking up my tea.

  “And brave the wilds of Lex’s room?” he snorted, his eyes flitting to me for a moment. “Unlikely. We’d need a search party to look for the search party and it would all just go badly from there.”

  “So, you would have left me to die?”

  He sniggered. “No. You’re a native, you’d find your way out eventually.”

  I laughed and nodded while I watched him intently staring at his phone. This would usually have been the point at which I teased him about whatever hookup he was organising or flirting he was doing. Somehow, that seemed not quite right any more. And, I had the feeling that Topher would be more annoyed about any mention of it than me.

  “What?” he asked as he looked up again.

  I shrugged. “Nothing.”

  “Not nothing. What? You’ve got that face on.”

  “What? The face I was born with?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yeah, that one. Only it’s smooshed into your thinking face. What’s going on up there?”

  I fiddled with my cup. “Not much, as usual. I was just thinking it might not be a good idea to ask which booty call was on the other end of that.” I kicked my chin towards the phone in his hand.

  He looked like he was caught between laughing and frowning at me. “Is that because you thought I’d failed to grasp the concept of exclusive…or…?”

  “Mainly because it’s what I’d usually say. So, now I’m just not really sure what to say to you anymore.”

  He laughed as he put his phone in his pocket and walked towards me. The hand not busy holding his cup went to my waist. “Whatever you want, Ads. Nothing’s changed.”

  “Everything’s changed,” I countered.

  “One thing’s changed,” he amended and I looked at him in question. “I get to kiss you now,” he explained. “But, we’re still us. I don’t want to lose us, Addy, not even to be the guy who gets to kiss you. Okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  We both smiled and I reached up to kiss him. It wasn’t hot or passionate or any of those ridiculously over the top descriptions that seem reasonable at the time, then after just sound gag-worthy. It was just nice, I had no other words for it than that. But, it made me happy and it felt right and I didn’t care if I didn’t really know what to do or say to him now because we’d work it out.

  We pulled away and he looked at me like he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen me before. But, this wasn’t like the first time we’d kissed or when I’d thought he was Ander and he’d seen me in my raciest undies, this was the start of something that was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

  “So, did you have plans now…?” he started.

  I shook my head. “Not really. The usual I guess.” Where the usual was usually me watching TV or pretending to do homework until Ander got home.

  “Did you want to…do something together? Or, I mean, we can…not?”

  I laughed at him. “Wow. You are really bad at this, aren’t you?”

  “We both knew this. Why don’t you show me how it’s done?”

  “Oh, no,” I sniggered. “I don’t know how to do it. I just know you don’t do…whatever it is you do.”

  He grinned. “Oh! I see what you did there.”

  “Did you?”

  “I did.” He nodded. “Well played, Sonny, well played.”

  “Thank you. Thank you.”

  He laughed as he put his arm around me. “How do you feel about some Street Fighter?”

  “I feel like I will beat you mercilessly.”

  “Excellent.”

  Topher kissed my hair and then we went into the living room. I dropped onto the couch while he found the controllers before joining me.

  Topher wasn’t all that bad at video games, but Ander and I had spent a whole lot longer playing. So, I’d beaten him by KO at least ten times by the time Ander walked in the door.

  “Hey,” I smiled at him paused in the doorway and I elbowed Topher in the hopes I’d distract him from the combo that he’d just worked out could take me out effortlessly.

  “Hey,” Ander replied slowly, taking a step forward.

  Topher looked up and nodded. “Alexander.”

  “Christopher,” Ander said with a return nod. He watched us for a moment.

  “Everything okay, babe?” I asked him.

  “Yeah…” he said slowly. “How about here?” He waved his hand between us. “This all…good or whatever?”

  I nodded as I mashed the keypad. “I think so.”

  “What’s your definition of good?” Topher asked.

  “Um… Not sure. Are you doing this exclusive-not-dating thing or whatever?”

  “Yes,” Topher answered instantly.

  I threw a look to him, then to Ander to see my best friend’s reaction. But, weirdly, Ander’s face was closed off to me. He just looked between us like he wasn’t sure what to say. Finally, he nodded.

  “Okay.”

  Topher dropped the controller and threw his hands in the air. “Yes! Take that!” Then, in the throes of victory, he pointed at Ander. “Your turn to play the winner. AKA, me!”

  Ander covered his confused humour with a wicked grin. “I am taking you down, Toph.”

  “Oh, hell no, Lex. I’ll wipe the floor with you.”

  Ander laughed as he dropped between us, forcing me to scoot away from Topher or I was going to get sat on. I passed my controller to him, wondering if he realised how amusingly passive-aggressive he’d just been.

  The rest of the afternoon felt normal; we played some more games, bickered and bantered, and, when Aunt Jelly got home, she found Ander and me re-enacting a pirate fight on the back of the couches while Topher laughed from the armchair.

  So, day one of my relationship – or, however we described it – with Topher seemed to have gone well.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Ads? Babe?” Ander shook me and I grumbled. “Addy!”

  “What?” I snapped, pulling the blankets over me.

  “We’re going to be late even by our standards if you don’t hurry up.”

  “I’m staying home,” I mumbled.

  “You’re the one who decided to do this, Addy.”

  I sat up and glared at him. “What?”

  He shrugged apologetically. “You’re the one who decided to do whatever this is with Toph. I love you, but you don’t get to stay in bed just because you suddenly decided you want to bone my brother.”

  “Seriously?” I gaped.

  He shrugged again and walked out.

  “Seriously!” I yelled as he closed the door.

  I flopped back onto the bed and flailed my arms and legs in frustration.

  Then once I’d calmed down a little, I realised that, despite the passive-aggressive delivery, Ander hadn’t been wrong; I’d decided to do whatever this was with Topher, I didn’t get to hide away from it now. We hadn’t talked about it – or us or whatever – since before we’d played Street Fighter, but there was no reason to think he’d changed his mind...really.

  “You’re a strong, independent woman,” I reminded myself as I got up. “A guy would be nice, but you don’t need it. It doesn’t matter how Topher feels today, because I’m amazing with or without him.”

  I pretended I believed my little spiel while I found the various pieces of my school uniform and got dressed. There was a moment when I was distracted after I fell over trying to tie my shoe up while standing on one leg. But, otherwise, I’d say Thursday morning was going about as well as it usually did.

  Which meant, by the time I got to the kitchen and Ander pushed my trave
l mug at me as he went back out, I was more awake and less pleasant.

  “Hey, hun,” Aunt Jelly said as she came in from the laundry in her fuzzy slippers and dressing gown over her PJs. “How are we?”

  I glared at her and she laughed.

  “Same old, same old, then.” As she passed me, she kissed my cheek. “Don’t change, beautiful. Now, can you lot leave so I can fall in a heap and stop adulting for a few hours, please?” she asked as she opened the fridge then promptly looked like she’d forgotten what she’d been about to do.

  I smiled at her as I headed out to get my bag from Ander’s room pretty well on total autopilot – Monday Morning Zombie-Mania could happen on any day of the week.

  Topher stepped out of his room just as I was going past and he’d smiled, said, “Good morning,” and kissed me before I’d really even worked out I’d got upstairs. It wasn’t any more than a greeting, but…

  “Oh! Okay. Can we not in the hallway? Please?” Ander grumbled. “Public spaces, dudes…” he muttered as he shoved my bag at me and pushed through us to head downstairs.

  Topher and I looked at each other, both of us with our mouths open to say something. He just snapped his shut and nodded at me.

  “Yeah…” I said. “I’d best…”

  “Sure. I’ll meet you guys at the car.”

  He touched his hand to my arm gently and then we awkwardly went downstairs together because obviously he’d been coming out of his room to go there. He gave my hand a quick squeeze before I headed for the front door and he went to the kitchen.

  I found Ander already in the back seat of our baby, slouched and on his phone.

  “I thought I was the Zombie-Mania one?” I asked as I got into the driver’s side and looked back at him.

  His eyes did leave his phone. But, when he saw me looking at him, they went right back to it.

  “Who do we even know who texts this early?” I asked, trying to cajole him into a smile.

  He shrugged. “People. People are texting this early.”

  “Babe–”

  “What?” he exploded, dropping his hands into his lap and looking right at me. “What, Ads?” He was doing a terrible job at pretending not to look so weirded out.