Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  ****

  Ander didn’t talk to me all Monday. Which wasn’t all that hard since Topher had his arm around me at Recess and Lunch and I had Laney in my ear constantly. And, it was surprisingly easy to not talk to someone in class.

  So, when Topher and I pulled into the driveway after school, after a silent trip home, and he turned off the car, I wasn’t surprised when he asked, “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

  I chewed my finger for a minute, then got out of the car with a sigh.

  “Addy?” he asked, coming after me.

  “Can we… Can we do this inside, Toph?” I asked him, sticking my key in the door.

  I dropped my bag down inside the door and started pacing. Topher followed me in.

  “Okay, talk to me,” he said, closing the door. “No, wait. If this is it… Just… Give me a second…”

  “Toph, I–”

  “No, I get it, Ads,” he said, his eyes glassy as he looked at me. He shook his head and breathed out heavily. “I fucked up, Addy. I thought Lex was okay. I wanted him to be okay, so I believed he was. But, he’s not, is he?”

  I shook my head. “No…”

  Topher nodded, running an agitated hand through his hair. “No.”

  “I’m sorry, Toph.”

  He chewed his bottom lip and he didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands. “Uh… No. Don’t be sorry.”

  “I just…”

  He nodded. “I know. You and Lex are forever, Ads. You’re my little brother’s best friend, the love of his life. And, I won’t come between that. I can’t sit by while the both of you are hurting and it’s my fault.”

  I didn’t know if it was better or worse that he understood.

  “He’s my brother, Addy. I can’t be the reason he’s hurting. And, that it’s hurting you, too?” He shook his head wildly. “No. I don’t…” He paused. “I want to be with you, but we can’t keep doing this, can we?”

  I shook my head.

  He nodded. “You’re my girl, Addy. You know that, right?”

  I nodded, fighting back tears. I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I just went to him, cupped his cheek and pressed my lips to his other cheek. I felt him nodding.

  “Yeah, I know,” he whispered and I hoped that meant he knew what I was trying to say without me having to voice it out loud. Because if I tried to talk, I was going to start crying. He took a deep breath like he was fighting back tears of his own. “I know, Ads. Me, too.”

  I pulled away slowly and he was gone and up to his room before I had a chance to collect myself. It wasn’t until his music started blaring that I let the tears fall.

  Somehow, I found myself crying into a cup of tea at the kitchen counter and it was well on its way to freezing by the time I heard the front door bang open and closed and then the familiar sound of Ander thundering up the stairs. Although, that familiar sound was louder and angrier than usual. I thought about getting up and going to him. But, I knew my face was still red and puffy and I didn’t want him seeing me like that.

  I heard his bedroom door slam shut and the sounds of something being thrown in his room. My heart hurt for a whole different reason, thinking there was something wrong; he was obviously pissed about something.

  “Hey, you….are you okay?” Aunt Jelly asked.

  I sniffled and looked up at her.

  “Oh, babe. What’s happened? Has it got anything to do with Lex throwing his great big fat frame around at the moment?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  She put her arms around me. “Talk to me, gorgeous.”

  “Toph and I…” I couldn’t say the words.

  “Ah. Because of Lex and you?”

  I nodded and she rubbed her hands up and down my arm.

  “Should we get pizza tonight?” she asked.

  I gave a weird chocked laugh and wiped my eyes. “Sure.”

  Dinner was uncomfortable enough with just me, Topher and Aunt Jelly, I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like had Ander actually emerged from his room at all that night.

  After Aunt Jelly went to bed, I was just starting to wonder why I was even still there and if I should go home and face the inevitable wrath of Sonya for failing to hold on to a boyfriend, when I realised that Topher was hanging around awkwardly like he wanted to say something.

  I didn’t know what was left to say, but he was such an ingrained part of my life that I could hardly not talk to him anymore. Especially since we’d broken up so I could fix Ander and me; presumably once we were fixed, then I’d still be seeing Topher as much as I did before I had to go falling for him.

  “Hey,” I said to him.

  “Uh, hey… Look, I’m still here for you, Ads.”

  I couldn’t help it, I’d gone to him and put my arms around him before I could stop myself. He hugged me back, his cheek resting on my head.

  “Are you… Are you going home tonight?” he asked.

  “I…don’t know.”

  He cleared his throat. “You don’t want to.”

  “Not really. I can’t imagine Sonya will be very…welcoming.”

  And, we both knew that Ander’s door was closed for the night.

  Topher rubbed my back. “My door’s always open, Addy.”

  I gave a humourless laugh. “Wouldn’t that be weird?”

  I felt him shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m in denial. But, maybe I also just want to be there for you. I’ll never expect anything from you, Addy. It’s just a bed, there if you want it.”

  If he was in denial, I didn’t think he was the only one.

  “Thanks, Toph. That’d… That’d be good.”

  “No worries.”

  I followed Topher up to his room. We got ready for bed the same way we had in the last few weeks, but he left his tracksuit pants and t-shirt on and I’d luckily left a pair of pyjamas in his room. We didn’t speak, just put the light out and lay down. Just as wordlessly, he put his arms around me and I held his hand over my stomach, wishing that this wasn’t goodbye to something that had come to mean so much to me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Tate and Ander were going at it in a way I’d never seen before and I had a fairly decent idea as to what had caused it.

  “Who told him?” I asked Will.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged wildly, his brown eyes full of concern. “They seemed fine… Then, they weren’t.”

  I rolled my eyes and pushed forwards. “Ander!” I yelled at him. “This isn’t going to solve anything. Ander!”

  I grabbed Ander’s arm and turned him to me. Except, he was in the middle of throwing his fist into Tate’s face so it flew into mine instead and the whole fight fell apart in seconds. As I stood there stunned for a moment, both Tate and Ander crowded me asking me if I was okay.

  “Babe, I’m so sorry!” Ander said, concern flooding his voice. It was the first positive I’d got from him in the last week.

  I shook my head and held a hand up to him. “Just… Give me a second.”

  “You fucking punched her!” Tate snapped and shoved Ander.

  “If you weren’t–”

  “ENOUGH!” I yelled. “This is done, boys.”

  “Addy, he–”

  “Yeah, I know, babe. But, we’re better than this. Bros before hos, remember?”

  “Addy!” came Topher’s voice and I sighed as my chest hitched.

  “Okay, can we go?” I asked Ander and Tate, my voice a lot more wobbly than preferable.

  Ander looked at me and then behind me, and I knew that meant Topher was behind me. “Why?” His eyes narrowed.

  Of course; I’d stayed in Topher’s room the night before so Ander was going to assume everything was still same old, same old. Well, now was probably not the time to tell him Topher and I had called it quits.

  “Not because of what you think. Okay? Can we just–?”

  Topher stepped around me and pushed Ander. “W
hat the fuck did you think you were doing?” he yelled.

  “I could ask you the same thing!”

  “I’m not the one who hit her.”

  “No, you’re the one who has her running away.” Ander shoved Topher.

  “It’s not like that, Lex.”

  “Well, explain to me what it is like, Toph? Explain to me why my best friend’s ready to bolt at the sight of you? Huh? What did you do?”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Topher snarled and the boys were certainly not shy about getting up in each other’s faces. “You want to know what happened? Why don’t you talk to Addy before you go blaming everything on me?”

  “If I blame you now, I waste less time later when I know it was your fault.”

  Topher’s jaw was clenched. “It wasn’t my fault.”

  Everyone was looking around in confusion now and I closed my eyes for a moment and willed the tears not to fall. The last thing I needed was the school watching the fallout of our breakup. It was over now, so that was it. I had to focus on getting the Alt Kids of Saint Basils back on track. If I didn’t focus on that, then I was going to fall apart.

  “Ander!” I snapped loudly and both boys turned to look at me. “Can we just go? Please?” I asked him quieter.

  Ander looked at Topher, then me. But, I wasn’t hanging around to see Topher any longer than necessary because doing so made my heart hurt, made my eyes hot and made a lump form in my throat. So, I turned and walked away.

  “Addy!” I heard Ander yelling.

  “Leave her be, Lex!” Topher called and I breathed back the tears.

  “Addy, wait!” Ander caught my arm and pulled me to face him. “Babe, I’m sorry I hit you…” I knew what he was really saying.

  I shook my head. “It’s fine. I know it was an accident.”

  “Then, what’s the matter?” He puffed himself up and looked behind me. “What did he do?”

  “Nothing. Just leave it, babe.”

  “Not nothing.”

  “Leave it, Ander. Please?”

  “Addy, if you’re upset, I’m here. And, if it was because of that asshole, I will deck him.”

  I wanted to ask him where he’d been when I’d needed him the last week. But, I just wanted things to go back to normal.

  “It’s fine.”

  “Addy, talk to me.”

  “Just forget it, Ander. It’s fine,” I said, just wanting him to drop it or I was going to crack.

  “It’s not fine. Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”

  “Because I picked you!” I yelled and Ander deflated.

  “What?”

  I took a deep breath because I was about to cry again. “I picked you,” I said, softer this time. “You’re the love of my life, Ander. You’re my best friend. I didn’t pick Topher over you. I could never pick Topher over you. I will always pick you.”

  Now, Ander looked like he was going to cry. “What?” he repeated.

  I shrugged. “I…told Toph we had to…take a break or something while I sorted you and me.” Sort of. Topher had done all the talking, but it amounted to the same thing, didn’t it?

  “What?”

  “I hated what my being with Topher and everything that came with that was doing to you and me. So… He didn’t like it and I don’t love it. But, you and me… We’re Addy and, er Ander. I couldn’t let a guy come between us.”

  “What?”

  “Dude! I am seriously going to need some more back from you. This conversation’s only going to go so far with you not helping.”

  “Addy…”

  He didn’t say any more.

  “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?” I sighed. “Fine. This bullshit with Tate, then?”

  “No. I want to talk about you and Topher.”

  “Too bad. You missed your chance. Spill it.”

  Ander frowned, but didn’t have a chance to speak.

  “Addy!” Tate came running over.

  “Perfect timing.” I was in no mood for shit from either of them. “Kiss and make up. Don’t make me make you.”

  Both boys just looked at me. Ander was willing me to not make him talk to Tate. And, Tate was saying he’d do what he could.

  “I’m not asking you again,” I snapped.

  Tate and Ander looked at each other.

  “Dude,” Tate started as Ander said, “Man,” then they both chuckled awkwardly and like that tension was averted.

  “See? No girl is worth losing this, is she?” I asked them, telling myself that wasn’t a tremor to my voice.

  “Ads, Kit’s not some girl,” Tate started and I stopped him with a glare.

  “We’re not going there, Tate Hennessey.” Which was even worse than calling him Tathaniel.

  “Babe, talk to me,” Ander pleaded.

  “It’s fine. It’s done.” Thankfully the bell rang. “I have to get my books.”

  So, I’d picked. I’d chosen the Henderson brother I was going to stand with. It was going to take a little bit of time to get everything back to normal, but I couldn’t have them both. I’d survived before, I could survive again.

  Alexander Henderson was the only boy I’d ever love.

  I’d made a promise.

  But, it felt like maybe I’d broken that promise. And, maybe my own heart along with it.

  ****

  Uncharacteristically, I’d decided to sleep at my parents’ that night; I couldn’t face either Henderson boy just then. And, it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected.

  Even after cancelling that lunch with Sonya, she’d welcomed me home like she was actually pleased to see me even though I looked close to my worst. She didn’t mention that I looked like a homeless person, she didn’t make any snide comments about my lack of boyfriend when I threw it in her face to see if she’d take the bait; she actually just offered to get pizza in and watch a movie like she was actually a human being.

  We were so not having a relationship anytime soon. But, when she opened the front door the next morning and I heard her say Ander’s name like it wasn’t something unpleasant, I wondered if it was the start of one.

  I snuck back into my room like Ander wouldn’t possibly have been able to find me. So, when he walked in, I really shouldn’t have been surprised.

  “Addy?”

  “What?”

  “I just… I thought I’d check on you…”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Okay. Do you want a ride to school?”

  “Sure.”

  “Ads…”

  I sighed. “What, Ander?”

  “About Toph…?”

  “What about him?”

  “You’re in love with him, then?”

  “What?”

  “Well,” Ander pulled on the frayed edge of his jumper sleeve, “you stayed here last night.” He ran his hand through his hair nervously. “It seems pretty serious…”

  I sighed. “Yes. Okay? I fell in love with your brother.”

  “And, how does he feel about you?”

  Well, he told me I was his girl, what do you think that means? But, I couldn’t say that to Ander, because I knew what was going through Ander’s head; I’d fallen for his brother and it had come between us. And, I was too tired and over it to argue with him.

  “Okay yes, it was a bad idea. I was an idiot.”

  “I never said you were an idiot!”

  “You were thinking it.”

  “Well, maybe a little.”

  “You’re not supposed to admit it, Ander!”

  “What did you expect to happen when you started dating my brother?”

  “I expected my best friend to support my decisions. Best Friend 101, Ander!”

  He had the decency to look guilty.

  “You were right. I don’t just do casual. And, I said I wouldn’t fall in love with him, but I did. So, go on, laugh it up! Stupid Addy and her stupid crush bit her in the ass. I bet you love
it, hearing me say I was wrong.”

  “Oh, come on, Addy! I know you. I know you’d never be with anyone you didn’t really like. It was obvious how you felt about him. I was more worried that he was playing you, I was more worried I was going to have to choose my best friend over my brother and that she wouldn’t want me there for her.”

  “What?”

  “You chose me over him. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t go both ways. But, what was I going to do when shit went sideways and you didn’t want me around anymore because the jackass had hurt you? That’s what I cared about, Addy.”

  “You don’t… Me and Topher…?”

  “Ads, I didn’t care my best friend was hooking up with my brother!” Ander yelled at me, his eyes bright with tears. “Not because of who you were. I cared that I might lose you both in one hit because either he was playing you, or on the tiny chance he wasn’t because mixing both your brands of stubbornness was ninety-five percent going to end badly before you both worked out it was real. I cared that I didn’t deal with it well and you couldn’t lean on me while you were falling for him and it was freaking you the hell out! I care I wasn’t there for you the way I was supposed to, Addy! I care I got jealous when Laney and the popular jackasses started talking to you, no matter how stupid I knew it was and couldn’t stop it. God, and I’m still going on about me,” he huffed.

  He took a step towards me and took my hands in his.

  “We’re in this together, Ander. So, it’s as much about you as it is me.”

  He shook his head. “No, Ads. Not this time. You shouldn’t have had to choose. That’s the problem here. It’s all my fault. I got so caught up in thinking I was losing you and you were just another girl picking him over me that I… I wasn’t the friend I was supposed to be.”

  “You said you were okay with it last time.”

  “Yeah, I know. And, I cocked it up. But, not this time. I’ll close my eyes if I have to. You’re meant to be with Topher, Addy. And, I won’t let you give him up. Not because I acted like a twat.”