Forever Craving You

by Nia Arthurs

  Feel insanely guilty.

  Look down.

  Happiness should run from me. I don’t deserve it.

  And Catherine is the reason why.

  My fingers start to shake.

  A buzz sounds off in my head.

  I need a drink.

  Even that thought exposes what a piece of scum I am.

  I can’t even face the consequences of my actions without liquor burning through my veins.

  Griff clears his throat. “I’ll, uh, wait outside.”

  “Thank you, Griffin.” Catherine smiles. “It was nice finally meeting you in the flesh.”

  He dips his head. Glances at me with concern.

  I stare imploringly don’t go.

  He pulls his lips in. Turns. Disappears through the hall.

  Silence lingers in his wake.

  Nothing but my short, hollow breaths taint the quiet.

  “Ollie?”

  I force my gaze to her. Guilt and regret ball in my throat. Form a giant lump that makes it painful to swallow, to speak.

  “Yes?”

  “I’ve been good.”

  The lump doubles in size.

  I just nod.

  “I’ve been really good. You saw. I climbed a mountain.” She laughs. A dainty, joyful sound. “Well, it wasn’t that easy. And I had a lot of help, but I did it.”

  Shame sears my body. My voice cracks. “I’m glad for you.”

  “I’m doing good,” she says for the third time. “You don’t have to send me money anymore.”

  I hang my head.

  Money is nothing. I’d give her my legs if I could. My life if I had the courage.

  Sending off the check every month is the only way I’ve managed to cling to sanity. The only thread of reasoning I have for getting through the day without crumpling from self-hatred.

  “It took a long time for me to accept this.” She gestures to her legs. “But I don’t resent you. To be honest, I wouldn’t have been the person I am or met the people I have if I’d never been in this chair.”

  That might be right.

  Hell, maybe Catherine sees things that way.

  But I don’t.

  She’ll never walk down the street… because of me.

  She’ll never run, never skip, never dance… because of me.

  She could have been an Olympic gold medalist or a performer or a soldier… but she won’t.

  Because of me.

  She can’t even get out of bed like an able-bodied person.

  That’s all on me.

  My fault.

  My mistake.

  One mistake.

  Cost her everything.

  “Ollie.” She wheels in front of me. Grabs my hand. “I can see you’re beating yourself up.”

  “I’m not,” I lie.

  “Right.” She suppresses a smile. “Anyway, I came to give you this card in person.” Catherine slips something from the pouch at the back of her chair. She hands it to me.

  Through my hazy vision, I spy an invitation with frills on the top and a picture of a cartoon bride and groom.

  My head whips up.

  Catherine’s smile is bright, tinged with excitement.

  “Are you…?”

  “Yes.” Her head bobs. “He proposed.”

  I’m happy for her.

  Really.

  “Catherine, congratulations.”

  “Thanks.” She sucks in a deep breath. “I want you there.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I know you’ll feel uncomfortable. And to be honest, some of my family members haven’t forgiven you yet...”

  “Of course not.”

  Her eyebrows slant together. “But I don’t care what anyone else says. You’re family too.”

  I’m not.

  I’m the guy who stole everything from her.

  I tighten my fingers on the card. Hear it crunch, crumple. “You doing this only makes me feel worse.”

  “No, Ollie. You’re the one who’s making you feel that way. I forgave you a long time ago. I wouldn’t have been happy if I’d held on to the pain and the darkness. If I can let it go, you can too.”

  She’s wrong.

  I can never let it go.

  The minute I do, I’ll be less than human.

  She squeezes my hand. “I’m not going to stay in town. I just came to deliver this and then I’ll leave. You don’t have to torture yourself by seeing me around.” Brown eyes soften with a smile. “But if you can find it in your heart to be there that day, it would mean the world to me. It really would.”

  I bob my head.

  Avoid her eyes.

  She knows I’m not going, but I don’t have the balls to tell her to her face.

  Saying no to this woman, after what I’ve done to her… it’s just not possible.

  “Okay.” Catherine lets me go.

  Wheels around.

  As if he senses we’re done talking, Griffin opens the door. His gaze lands on me, peering past my stony façade. Searching for signs that I’m splintering, cracking apart from the inside.

  He must see something alarming because his expression tightens. “I’ll take Catherine back to the gym and I’ll be right back.”

  His words sound far-off.

  My brain is tilting, twirling.

  Pain racks my chest. Rattles like a crazed bird caught in a cage.

  “Ollie,” Griff says with a firm voice.

  “Yeah. I heard you,” I mumble. Stare at the ground.

  “You’ll be here, right?”

  Catherine looks my way. Blinks inquiringly.

  “Yes.”

  Griff doesn’t look convinced. He wheels Catherine out. At the door, he takes one long glance at me. I feel his gaze like a stick poking me in the face.

  At last, he leaves.

  As soon as the door closes behind him, I jump from the couch, head to my room and grab my wallet.

  My body is aching like crazy.

  My brain’s about to explode.

  I’ve got to get rid of the pain.

  By any means necessary.

  28 Chandra

  I tap my phone. Stare at the clock on my screen.

  7:45 p.m.

  Where is Ollie?

  I glance outside Brew Drop’s window. The parking lot is dark. Still. Quiet. The store’s been closed for a while now. Zania’s already gone home.

  I’m alone here.

  I feel alone.

  I feel… off-balance.

  Maybe it’s woman’s intuition? I don’t know.

  I’m worried.

  Ollie hasn’t answered any of my texts.

  That’s really weird.

  Did he change his mind about picking me up? Then he would have told me.

  What if there’s an emergency?

  I chew on my thumbnail.

  Suddenly, an engine purrs in the distance.

  Excited, I hop up. Watch as a pair of yellow headlights sweep over the concrete. They blast into the bakery. Two bright beams.

  I grab my purse and hop to the door. On my way there, I recognize the car.

  It’s not a taxi.

  It’s a Jag.

  Teale’s Jag.

  For a second, I pause in confusion. And then I shrug. Ollie probably called his brother to give him a ride. It makes perfect sense. His ankle’s busted and Teale’s car is much more luxurious than a cab.

  My mood rises.

  I feel a grin tugging on my face.

  Man, who am I?

  This airy excitement in my stomach belongs to a high school girl with her first crush. Not a jaded woman with too much life experience under her belt.

  It’s Ollie.

  That man is making me feel all ditzy.

  Giddy.

  In love.

  Ugh, I disgust myself.

  After setting the alarm, I lock the front door, taking an extra second to massage the smile from my face while my back is still turned.

  Ollie’s late. I can’t b
e grinning like a fool. I need to make him beg for my forgiveness before I spill all the loving that’s been building inside my heart.

  A car door slams.

  I spin. Notice a tall, lean figure.

  Not Ollie.

  Teale.

  My gaze slides behind him, waiting for Ollie to climb out of the car.

  He doesn’t.

  I feel a twinge of alarm but rationalize it easily. Ollie would need to maneuver awkwardly with his crutches to get out of that low vehicle. Makes sense. I’d stay seated too.

  The explanation… doesn’t stick.

  Ollie would have been the first person out of that car.

  It doesn’t feel like him.

  Something’s off.

  Teale’s closer now. So close, I can make out his handsome face from the shadows. His stride is sure, steady. Like a model on a runway.

  I can understand why Zania’s developed a crush on him.

  But I’m interested in the brother.

  My gaze shifts between him and the car.

  “Where’s Ollie?”

  “He sent a richer, hotter replacement.”

  “Very funny, Teale.” I grab my phone.

  There’s no message from Ollie.

  “Did he lose his phone or something?”

  “More like his mind.” Teale shrugs.

  “What does that mean?”

  “Before that.” He gestures to his vehicle. “There’s someone who’d like to meet you.”

  “I don’t get into cars with strangers.”

  “Ouch. Why do you keep insulting your favorite customer?”

  I tap my shoes on the pavement. “Seriously, what happened to Ollie? He said he’d pick me up.”

  “He’s been taken hostage.”

  “What?”

  “It’s a long story.” He points to the Jag. “Please.”

  I huff. Survey his face.

  Now that I know he and Ollie are siblings, they look so much alike. Those blue eyes of Teale’s hold Ollie’s intensity.

  I let my arms drop. “Fine.”

  He nods.

  Together, we walk to his car.

  Teale’s long strides propel him forward. He gets to his car ahead of me and opens the back door.

  I notice a woman sitting inside and freeze mid-way. She’s wearing a bright pink blouse and jeans. Silky straight hair falls to her shoulders. Brown eyes brighten as she smiles.

  “Hi,” she says cheerfully.

  I stop.

  Glance back at Teale.

  He nods, encouraging me forward.

  “Uh, hey.” I climb in next to her.

  Teale slams the door behind me.

  “I’m Catherine,” she says. Holds her palm out. I count at least three slim rings on her delicate fingers.

  I take it hesitantly. “Chandra.”

  Her grip is strong.

  I’m surprised by the rasp of her callouses.

  She’s a slim woman and her mannerisms hint that she’s a ‘girly-girl’. I didn’t expect her fingers to feel that rough.

  “Wow, you’re beautiful,” she says.

  “Thanks. So are you.”

  “I appreciate that, but you…” she blows out a breath, “are way more stunning than I could ever be.”

  I shuffle back. Uncomfortable. Confused. “Are you a friend of Teale’s?”

  “A friend of Ollie’s. Although I’m sure he wouldn’t say that if you asked him.” She giggles.

  Teale gets into the car.

  Drives silently.

  I glance at him.

  He stares ahead, refusing to meet my eyes.

  I grit my teeth. Pull my fingers into fists. Pretend to launch it at him.

  “Chandra?”

  I shift and try to strike up a conversation even though I’m not really in the mood. “How exactly do you know, Ollie?”

  “We’re… pen pals.”

  “Pen pals?”

  “Yes.”

  “People still write letters in this day and age?”

  “We exchanged them about nine years ago.” She pauses. Studies my face. “I wrote to him while he was in prison.”

  My heart thuds.

  “He never wrote back though. He’s a bit of a jerk, isn’t he?”

  I blink, unsure of what to say.

  This girl wrote to Ollie while he was in prison.

  So… is she an ex-girlfriend?

  What is she doing still keeping in touch with Ollie?

  Catherine bursts out laughing. “Well, I guess you wouldn’t admit to that. Being his girlfriend and all.” She smiles wide. “To be honest, Ollie’s the opposite of a jerk. Because of his size and all those tattoos, people would never guess, but he’s got a really sensitive soul.” Her eyes slide to the window and she muses, “Normal men wouldn’t own up to their mistakes, much less carry it with them forever, but Ollie does.”

  “Mistakes?” I narrow my eyes. Try to figure her out. “Wait. Who are you?”

  “I’m—”

  “We’re here.” Teale interrupts her. He pulls the car over in front of a train station. “Your fiancé said he’d meet us at the stop sign, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  She smiles at me. “My fiancé called. I was supposed to have been home a long time ago. He was worried so he drove all the way here to get me. Isn’t that sweet?”

  “It is,” I say hesitantly.

  “To be honest, I got excited when I heard Ollie finally had a girlfriend. I just had to see you in person.”

  “Oh… okay.”

  “It was truly a pleasure, Chandra.”

  “Pleasure’s mine.”

  “May I offer a word of advice?”

  “About what?”

  “Ollie.” She leans forward. Her eyes sparkle like we’re best friends sharing a secret. “Don’t let him push you away. He’s good at that. Being stubborn, I mean. Just dig your heels in and ride out the storm. He’ll have no choice but to give in eventually.”

  “Um…”

  Catherine’s door opens.

  Teale stands outside it.

  I didn’t even notice when he climbed out of the car.

  Another man is beside him. He’s tall and lean. It’s a little dim from where I’m sitting inside the cab, but I can tell he’s handsome from my cursory skim of his features.

  “Babe!” Catherine squeals.

  The man grins. Looks past her. Waves at me. “Hey.”

  “Hi.”

  Catherine turns back. “Oh, one more thing. Whatever you do, you’ve got to convince Ollie to come to my wedding. Okay? Come together.”

  “Okay…”

  “Promise?”

  “I—”

  “Babe,” Catherine’s fiancé says half-jokingly, “you’re scaring her.”

  “Sorry.” Catherine throws her hair over her shoulder.

  At that moment, Teale heaves a folded contraption from the trunk to the sidewalk. “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.” Catherine’s fiancé grabs it from him.

  It clatters.

  Expands.

  Reveals two giant wheels and a seat between them.

  A wheelchair.

  I watch in shock as Catherine grabs the wheelchair that her fiancé holds steady for her and launches herself on top of it. She smiles in satisfaction and wiggles her fingers at me.

  “Do me a favor?”

  “Hm?”

  “When you see Ollie later,” her lips tilt up in a knowing grin even as her eyes soften, “let him go.”

  Let him go?

  “Bye for now, Chandra.”

  I open my mouth.

  Return the greeting.

  At least I think I do.

  I’m pretty sure I do.

  Not that it matters.

  Catherine’s fiancé whisks her into another car that’s parked up the street. I stare at them, my mind jumping.

  Making calculations.

  Forming conclusions.


  Teale returns to the car. Sighs loudly. “Well, that went better than expected.”

  Something clicks into place.

  “Teale, that person… she’s not the one Ollie… when he was drunk…?”

  Blue eyes crash into mine, piercing in the reflection of the rearview mirror.

  “It’s best if Ollie explains,” he says.

  Teale starts the car. Backs up. Drives to the freeway.

  I sit there for a second.

  Stunned.

  Shocked.

  It’s a struggle to breathe.

  I don’t know why this particular truth is so overwhelming.

  Last night, I’d briefly considered the thought that Ollie’s young and drunken mistake had killed someone. And I managed to brush that reality off with less conviction.

  But seeing his victim in person…

  “Why was she here?”

  “She wanted to invite him to the wedding.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she cares about him.”

  “Even though he caused the accident that put her in a wheelchair?”

  Teale bobs his head. “It doesn’t makes sense to Ollie either. But you heard her. Catherine considers him a friend now. Even if he can’t accept that.”

  “That’s… I don’t even know what to say.”

  “Catherine’s not a normal person, that’s for sure,” Teale agrees. His hands lightly hold the wheel.

  “She seemed so… happy. What does she do?”

  “She runs a travel blog. Travels all over the world with her fiancé. Everywhere she goes, she sends Ollie a letter or a postcard.”

  “That’s so sweet.”

  “My brother doesn’t think so. He quit drinking, but every time he gets a letter from Catherine, he goes on a major bender...” Teale stops. Presses a fist to his mouth. “And that’s something he should tell you himself.”

  “No, I want to hear more.”

  “My lips are sealed. Unless…” He wiggles his eyebrows. “You’d give them a little smooch. Just to loosen them up.”

  I scoff.

  I’m not in the mood for his games today.

  Teale laughs.

  At least he got me to back off.

  “Ollie will explain,” Teale says again.

  And it’s all I get for the remainder of the ride.

  29 Ollie

  “This is illegal, you know.” I glare at Griffin. “You could go to jail.”

  “Just one minute, Cobie,” he says into his cell phone. Unapologetic brown eyes swing to me. “What was that?”

  I grunt. Tug my hands. Feel the resistance of the ropes binding me to the chair. “I’ll call the cops.”