Flirting With Forty

by S. L. Romines

  As I start squeezing my thighs together and continue to wait for the purple-headed coochie crusher to make an appearance, a thought crosses my mind. The last time I was in any situation that involved me, a man, his pork sword and a potentially sticky situation, it wasn’t anything like this. First of all, Miles is sexy as all get out. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that he’s an excellent lover. My ex-husband, on the other hand, sucked in the sack. Chase’s idea of foreplay was me tickling his itty-bitty balls while whispering in his ear how much I wanted his two-inch Vienna sausage deep inside my tuna tunnel. Needless to say, when Chase and I had sex it was like screwing a cold, dead fish. But now I’m here. Ready to be taken by this strong, rugged man and all I can think about is I hope he doesn’t think the same thing about me, a cold, dead fish.

  I know I’m going to regret this, but I don’t care. The Notorious V.A.G. needs some good, good lovin’ right about now.

  Before Miles has a quick minute to process my mad, stealth-like cougarish skills, I’m on him like gravy on biscuits, mouth open and ready to give him a thorough tongue lashing.

  “Wait. Wait. Wait.”

  What?

  “I think we should stop.”

  Wait. What did he just say?

  I pull my hands away as if I’d just touched a hot stove. “I’m sorry.”

  Miles inhales deeply. His expression confuses the hell out of me, and now all I want to do is shove my head up my own ass and pretend like none of this ever happened. Besides, being cockblocked by the same cock that I was hoping to ride like Seabiscuit just a few moments ago absolutely justifies the head-up-the-ass scenario.

  His breath is warm across my face as he lets it out heavily against my mouth. “As much as I’d love to roll with it, I’d hate to ruin whatever this might be between us. Besides, I promised you dinner.”

  It takes me about twenty minutes to lick my wounds and convince myself that it’s not me and that maybe he was right about putting the brakes on. Knowing my luck, we’d end up having hot, unadulterated, ass slapping, sticky icky sex just to end up regretting it in the morning and then end up avoiding each other at all costs only to find out he’s married with fifteen kids. Don’t get me wrong. I’m well aware that we should get to know one another a bit more before we start bumpin’ uglies but my vagina isn’t having any of that shit right now. I’m also well aware that I could just go for the gusto and get down with the sticky icky and take one for the team, but I’m a lady and ladies don’t…

  Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Get a couple of drinks in me and I’ll ride this mofo’s face like the mechanical bull I took down at the state fair last year. Two margaritas and a couple of mimosas later, I was nearly topless and almost arrested with my bestie by my side yelling, “Yee-haw, motherfuckers!”

  I pull in a calming breath and press my thighs together in a failed attempt to squash the ache between my legs. It’s harder than it seems considering my ridiculously hot neighbor casually maneuvering around me.

  The next two hours go by with a lot of eating, a lot of getting to know one another and quite a few laughs. I found out that Miles has never been married and he’s never had any children. He does have a younger sister who is his only sibling, and he’s also fluent in Italian and Spanish.

  “My father is from Naples and insisted that my sister and I learn the language so that if we ever traveled back there to visit, we’d be able to communicate with our extended family. My mother, on the other hand, is a born and bred Texan. Tough as nails that one.” A slight smile sets on Miles’ mouth as he looks lost in thought. “I couldn’t have asked for better parents, though.”

  After learning about Miles’ family and that his parents are still alive, my thoughts quickly turn to my mother when he asks about my family.

  “She passed away almost seven years ago.” I choke back emotions when a few memories push to the forefront. “It was the hardest damn thing I’ve ever experienced.”

  “I’m so sorry.” His reply is sincere as he places his hand on mine. “I can’t even imagine.”

  “It was a heart attack. Completely unexpected, but at the very least I can take some comfort away from it knowing that she didn’t suffer. That’s what I’ve tried to convince myself, seeing as she had she passed in her sleep.” I pull in a deep breath and smile. “She was an amazing woman. Ozella is a lot like her. Strong, independent, brave.”

  I learned more about Miles’ family and his reason for moving to Cherry Hill and I have to admit, I was quickly relieved that none of his reasons included any of Sam’s crazy assumptions.

  “I was born and raised here but decided to attend college back East. I was there on a football scholarship and eventually got my teaching degree. After I graduated, I taught ninth grade English for three years until a teaching position in the English department became available here at the high school. But then when they put the offer on the table for the head coach position, the decision was a no-brainer.”

  The next two hours also included a lot of ogling, several hot flashes, a shit-ton of thigh clenching and a lot of wishful thinking. By the end of the night, I found myself mega drunk, mega horny and topped off with mega meat burps.

  “I had a fantastic time,” I say as Miles helps me across the street with one hand firmly on the small of my back. I stretch up as far as I can in an attempt to get closer to his face. Walking on your tiptoes isn’t something I’d ever recommend especially when walking across in a pair of flip flops. But in my inebriated condition, giving two fucks went out the window hours ago. When I’m finally inches from Miles’ face, I’m surprised my breath doesn’t knock him out. “Like, I had a super fantastical time.”

  A small chuckle leaves his lips. “I had a good time, too.”

  When we reach my house, everything around me starts to spin. Even my hot date.

  “Here. Let’s get you in the house.”

  The house? No! Forget my damn house! I don’t want to go inside my damn house yet. No! I need to suck face with my hot as hell neighbor, and I’m not going inside until I give that tongue of his a good sucking.

  With my stealthy ninja-like skills, I spin on one heel, slapping my palms against Miles’ rock-hard pecs, give them a little squeeze before pushing him up against the side of my house. His brows lift in surprise and a small, crooked grin tugs at the side of his mouth. When the urge to run my tongue across his lips becomes more than overwhelming, everything around me starts to spin and I do mean everything. From Miles looking as if he’d grown two heads, to the tree behind him as it sways from side to side, to the ground below me as it starts to feel like it’s moving as I rock my heels back and forth against it.

  “Fuck it.”

  I slide my hands up his chest and up along the sides of his neck until I reach his head, lacing my fingers through his hair. Slightly cross-eyed, I tilt my head to the side, open my mouth, flatten out my tongue and slowly run it up the corner of Miles’ mouth until I reach his earlobe.

  “Holy shit, Nina.”

  I can’t stop.

  “I think we should stop.”

  I won’t stop.

  “Nina, please. We should stop.”

  Never!

  And then, without any warning whatsoever, I pull back away from Miles and spray the side of my house with every single thing I ate today, and let’s not forget to mention that once I unload those tasty tidbits, everything around me goes black.

  Chapter Eight

  “So, what you’re saying is that you’re a gutter-whore, a floozy, a harlot. Just an old mega-tramp trying to sex-up her son’s football coach? Is that what you’re admitting to?”

  My mouth falls open as Sam goes on a mini spiel in response to my dinner date with Miles the other night. What I wasn’t expecting was for my best friend to deem me an overzealous tart in the process.

  “Good job, mom.”

  “Wait a minute, you asshole! Who was the one that said I should mount Miles and ride him until the sun came up? Hmm? And who was also
the one that said I should, and I quote, shove his fuck puppet down my throat and gobble up his porn berries?”

  “Ah, that would’ve been me, and I’m allowed to bust your balls,” Sam replies as she calls the waitress over to our table. “I’ve got best friend cred.”

  “Well, you’re still an asshole.”

  “Look, I don’t know why you’ve got your panties all up in a twist.” Sam pauses to suck down her second glass of red wine. “And if it were me, I’d ride Miles’ fuck puppet until the damn thing fell off!”

  Sam looks at me with wide eyes and I shake my head.

  “Okay, that’s a bit extreme.”

  “Oh, you know what I mean,” she replies with a dismissive hand. “My point is, you’re not getting any younger and your crusty, needs-a-shop-vac, vagina has seen better days.”

  “Are you serious right now?”

  I watch my friend as she shoves a few French fries in her mouth and wonder for a brief second about what really goes on in that head of hers.

  “Oh, I’m definitely serious and here’s why. I don’t get laid, my friend. I. Get. Nothing. My son of a bitch of a husband doesn’t even yodel in my canyon anymore!”

  I look around with shifty eyes and hope that no one other than myself understood what Sam just said.

  “Calm down, weirdo!” I whisper-yell. “Everyone’s gonna hear you.”

  “Hear me? Do you think I give two shits if everyone hears me? No, ma’am, I do not.” Sam dunks another wad of fries in her mouth and starts to babble on. “I need to get laid, Nina, like thoroughly and properly fucked, and my husband isn’t doing his damn job. Therefore, you gotta do it for me and then spill with all the juicy details, m’kay? And next time, don’t throw up and don’t pass out before you get to touch his golden peen.” Sam places her palms flat against the tabletop and inhales deeply before making her plea. “Now, for the love of God, man, take one for the dick deprived and ride ol’ Rumpleforeskin in my honor!”

  Sometimes being Sam’s best friend is a little taxing, but I take that shit in stride because if it wasn’t for her, I’d have fallen completely apart during my divorce.

  “What you need to do is buy yourself a big ass dildo for that deep, cavernous pit of doom you call a vagina and go balls to the wall and then shut the hell up, m’kay?”

  I laugh at my own words and give myself a proverbial high-five for my quick-witted come back, but when I look up at Sam and see her eyes go wide as she looks over my shoulder, I immediately know something’s wrong.

  “Well, this is gonna get awkward and possibly messy.”

  Following Sam’s line of sight, I see Miles walk through the door and he’s not alone.

  “Who’s the leggy brunette?”

  “I have no idea,” I reply as my hands start to get clammy and my stomach begins to twist and turn. As soon as I feel the heat start to crawl up my neck, I know it’s time to split. “Let’s get out of here.”

  I don’t wait for Sam to agree as I slide out of the booth. I quickly head for the doors, but before I make it to freedom, my breath catches as a strong grip catches me around the wrist.

  My heart stills.

  As soon as I turn around, I wish I hadn’t.

  “Hey.” Miles’ voice cracks a fraction, and I’d say it’s almost adorable if he wasn’t with another woman. A very beautiful, younger woman. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. I’ve been busy.”

  Total lies. The only thing I’ve been doing for the past few days is trying anything that would help me keep my mind off this man. Nothing’s worked. Cooking all the recipes I find on my newsfeed and baking like I’m Betty Crocker’s redheaded step-child only helped until I accidentally fell asleep on the couch while a batch of brownies was in the oven. Going for a morning run after Miles took off to go to work didn’t prove to be effective either. After tripping over a small piece of uprooted sidewalk, I face-planted myself a few houses down as my hand landed in a fresh pile of dog shit. Even spending the entire day at the water park with Sam and our kids didn’t work. The only thing that accomplished was making me want to shove my head in the nearest pool of water and drown myself. I even tried to take up yoga but after pulling something and getting a gnarly pain in my ass cheek, I threw in the towel on that one. I tried everything to forget what happened at the end of our dinner date, but I couldn’t. Truth be told, I’ve thought about Miles and our date night more times in the past forty-eight hours than I’d like to admit and seeing him here right now isn’t helping matters much.

  “I gotta go,” I say as my heart slams in my chest. “I’m late…for something.”

  As I attempt to turn on my heel and reach for the door, Miles’ grip latches around my wrist, causing me to look up at him. When he starts to trace small circles with his thumb against the inside of my forearm, I close my eyes and swallow hard.

  “I don’t think so, Romeo.”

  I snap my eyes back open just as Sam yanks my arm out of Miles’ grip.

  “You’ve got some nerve, asshole, coming up in here with another woman. Haven’t you ever heard the saying, don’t shit where you eat?”

  “I think that’s meant for co-workers,” I reply in a whispered tone, earning a sneer from Sam. “Just sayin’.”

  I chance a quick look over at Miles and watch as his expression changes a few times. He’s hard to read but I’m pretty sure I see surprise and humor. Yes, definitely humor. Lots and lots of humor.

  “Wait.” Miles’ brows shoot up his forehead as he forcefully jabs his thumb over his shoulder. “Her? Are you talking about that woman right there?”

  All three of us look over at the leggy brunette and I sigh in defeat. If I had an ass like that I definitely wouldn’t be single.

  “Uh, this isn’t what you think it is, Nina.”

  I’ve been through heartbreak in the past and the damage it did to not only me but also my children was astronomical. I can’t even begin to let that happen again.

  “It’s none of my business, Miles.” I clear my throat hoping it would cover up the crack in my voice. “I have to go.”

  “Nina, you’ve got it wrong.”

  “Yeah, yeah, asshole. That’s what all the assholes say,” Sam replies, stepping in front of me. “Why don’t you just hop back over to Malibu Barbie with her fake titties and butt implants before you make me have to shank you. Deep and in the jugular.”

  “What the hell, Sam?” I whisper-yell. “Put the damn fork away!”

  “No, fuck that! I’m all kinds of stabby right about now, and if this douchecanoe thinks I’m letting him get anywhere near you with his whore bag over there looming in the background, waiting to strike, then he’s got another damn thing coming,” Sam says with a wave of her fork. “Not today, Satan. Not. To. Day.”

  As soon as the words leave Sam’s mouth, the beautiful woman slides up next to Miles.

  “Hey, our order’s in. It should be about fifteen minutes or so. I ordered you the tri-tip sandwich.” When the woman looks over and smiles at both Sam and me, I immediately want to throw up. But it’s when her smile reaches her big green eyes that I’m pretty certain I just got pregnant. “Hi, I’m Lexi. You ladies' friends of Miles?”

  The silence is thick as the four of us wait for the other to say any word at all, but nobody does for a few excruciating minutes. The whole situation even has Sam tongue-tied.

  “We were just leaving.” I choke out the words like each one is filled with acid. I can’t take it anymore and yank on the back of Sam’s shirt. “Let’s. Go.”

  “Oh, well that’s too bad. It would’ve been nice to get to know a couple of Miles’ friends around here, seeing as though we’re all new to your beautiful, little town.”

  As soon as the woman places her hand gently on Miles’ bare forearm my body immediately tenses up. I shouldn’t feel this way. Not in the least, but I do. An overwhelming desire to throttle her in the throat consumes me as she lovingly loo
ks into his eyes. I feel sick and, for the first time in my entire life, ready to fight to the bloody end over a man. A man that isn’t even mine.

  “Nina, can we talk?”

  I peel my eyes away from Lexi’s gentle grip and make myself look up into Miles’ eyes, regretting the decision as soon as I do. They speak volumes, loud and clear, and I hate it. I hate him. No, I do not. I do not hate Miles but I need to. Right this very second, I need to despise this man-hate him with every inch of my core-but I don’t.

  “There’s nothing to say,” I reply, my voice on the verge of crumbling as I try to look anywhere but at his eyes. “I…I need to go.”

  “Oh, hell to the motherfuckin’ no. Nuh-uh. Nope. I don’t think so.”

  My eyes go wide when Sam throws her hands up in front of her and wildly shakes her head back and forth. I’ve seen this crazy expression from my best friend many times. It’s funny as hell to the unsuspecting passerby, but the intended target of Sam’s wrath does anything but laugh.

  “Listen here, Miles, you mega prick.” Sam’s nostrils flare as she pulls in a deep breath. “Stay the fuck away from my best friend because if you don’t, I’ll chop your pork sword right off and wear your balls like a pearl necklace. Got me?”

  All sets of eyes immediately go to Sam’s neck, and I instantly start imagining my psycho best friend wearing a choker made out of Mile’s testicles.

  “My friend deserves better than you, you piece of shit. And as for you,” Sam says, looking pointedly at Lexi. “I’d cut my losses sooner rather than later. The longer you stay with this one, the sooner you might find yourself in the same fucked up situation as my friend here.”

  Lexi quickly looks between Miles and me with a confused look on her face.