The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw

by Christopher Healy

  The heroes exchanged shocked glances.

  “You fool!” Zaubera spat at the Warlord. “You can’t begin an empire just like that! Without any pomp! Without any glitz! Without any sparzle!”

  “But I just have,” Rundark said. “My generals—excuse me, my kings are addressing their people as we speak.” The vision orb had gone dark.

  “And you expect those people to welcome their Darian overlords with open arms?” Zaubera asked.

  “It’s not often I agree with a dead witch, but she’s right,” Val wheezed from the floor. “The people will rebel.”

  “Oh, but they won’t,” Rundark said slyly. “Because I have used the one power that is even more persuasive than the Jade Djinn Gem. I have used the bards!”

  “I hate bards!” Zaubera shrieked. “I told you not to use them! You used to say you hated them, too!”

  “I did,” he said. “But I realized the error of my ways. I used to puzzle over how the laughable Rauber boy could have earned such a terrifying reputation—and then it hit me. The bards. Without bards telling the world how clever and fearsome he supposedly was, Rauber would have been nothing. People believe anything they hear in a song. So I kidnapped all the bards and forced them to write a few epic melodies in praise of Dar. Songs that told of the kind, benevolent, and wise rule of Lord Rundark. For months now, those songs have been taking hold. People are already under their sway.”

  “You’ve denied me my glorious revenge upon these princes!” Zaubera growled, whirling impatient circles around the Warlord. “In case you haven’t figured it out, that’s the only reason I’m in this partnership. What do I care if you rule the world? I’m a ghost! If I have to spend eternity floating around this castle, I at least want to do so with a smile on my face!”

  “Are you so easily defeated, my phantom friend?” Rundark asked. “Do we not have three of your archenemies right here? And some other random woman as well? Activate the orbs. Let us give the people a show. Right now.”

  Snarling, Zaubera’s ghost flew into Rundark’s body and merged with it.

  “Ahh,” the Warlord said, once again surrounded by a pale-green aura. “There’s the power.” He raised his arms, flexed his fingers, and cooked up two extra-large balls of crackling blue energy.

  Val scrambled to protect Ella, but Ella yelled, “Get Frederic!”

  Frederic tried to object, but Val tossed him over her shoulder and ran for the door. Liam and Ella were right behind them. None of them made it.

  ZAP! SMASH!

  Ella and Liam were each blasted between the shoulder blades. They hurtled forward, plowing into Val and knocking her over. Frederic spilled from her arms and skidded into the door with a thud. On his knees, he reached for the handle.

  “Always the coward,” Rundark spat. “Your fleeing days are over.” His glowing fingers popped and fizzed as he worked up another ball of energy. But before he loosed his magical bolt, he paused. There was a sound. They all heard it. It was faint at first but quickly grew louder, until the source of the cry was directly outside the room: “Stuuuuurrrm-haaaaayyyyy-geeeennnnnnn!”

  With a crunch and a roar, Gustav ripped the door from its hinges and hurled it at Rundark. The startled warlord was smacked backward into the table and knocked the vision orb loose from its small ebony stand. The crystal ball began to roll away, and Rundark moved quickly to protect it. That moment of distraction was enough for the heroes to make their escape.

  “Grab them and run,” Frederic sputtered, motioning to the groaning Liam and Ella. “No time to explain.”

  Gustav hoisted up his injured friends and tore out. Frederic then threw himself back over Val’s shoulder, and she ran, too.

  As they hurried down the dungeon corridors, they could hear Rundark and Zaubera bickering. “You blew it! You let them get away!” “No, you are letting them get away! As we speak! Merge with me again!” “Bah! Your clumsy fingers can’t handle my magic!” “Merge with me!” “Fine!”

  Gustav slowed for a second. “That sounded like—”

  “It is! Go!” Frederic snapped.

  They reached the cellblock and darted into the open tunnel, where Rauber was waiting for them. They dashed past the boy as he yanked the lever and slid the false wall back into place. Inside the dungeon, Rundark—glowing with the power of Zaubera’s spirit—barreled around the corner to find nothing but an empty cellblock. He cursed through clenched teeth and punched the brick wall.

  A short time later, in the white-frosted woods at the base of Mount Batwing, Rapunzel leapt to her feet as her companions burst from the tunnel. Gustav dropped Liam and Ella into the snow, and Rapunzel immediately dashed to their sides and squeezed out tears to heal them.

  “Somebody want to tell me what is going on?” Gustav finally said. “I coulda sworn I heard Old Lady Dragonbait back there. I wouldn’t even have gone in if I hadn’t caught the Bandit Runt strolling out all by himself, whistling like a happy clown.”

  “You didn’t catch me.” Rauber stood a few feet away, juggling snowballs. “You can’t catch someone who isn’t running away.”

  Liam hurled the boy into a snowdrift and pinned him down.

  “What did you do in there?” Liam snarled. “You snuck off by yourself. What did you do?”

  “Nothing! I swear!” There was a quiveriness in Rauber’s voice that none of the princes had ever heard before. And it was there because the Bandit King saw a fierceness in Liam’s eyes that he’d never seen before. “Nothing big, anyway.”

  “I swear to you,” Liam said darkly, “if this was all some sort of elaborate double cross . . .”

  “I never lied,” Rauber said as falling snowflakes gathered on his face. “I just figured there was a good chance you guys would mess this up, the way you mess everything up, so I snuck off to put my backup revenge plan into play.”

  “What backup plan?” Liam barked.

  “It’s nothing,” Rauber said. Gustav kicked a huge pile of snow onto the boy’s face. Rauber spat out wads of cold, wet slush. “I put a tack on his chair, all right? I snuck into my old reception chamber and put a tack on the throne. Are you happy now?”

  Liam let him go and stood up, shaking his head. “I think I hate that kid more than Rundark and Zaubera combined,” he muttered.

  “Which reminds me,” Frederic said urgently. He grabbed Rapunzel’s hand and started back toward Sturmhagen. “Let’s finish running away, shall we?”

  33

  AN OUTLAW HAS EXCELLENT PEOPLE SKILLS

  Throughout the forests of Sturmhagen, foxes perked up their pointed ears and owls cocked their feathery heads. The animals weren’t used to hearing so many simultaneous gasps echoing through the evergreens.

  “Zaubera?” Lila asked. “The Zaubera?”

  “It’s crazy,” Gustav said. “Doesn’t anybody stay dead around here?”

  “Well, there is Little Taylor,” Frederic said wincingly.

  “I know it’s hard to believe,” said Liam. “But we saw what we saw. Zaubera.”

  “That woman held me captive for years,” Rapunzel said with a shudder. Frederic took her hand.

  “She sounds awful,” Duncan said. “I’m sure glad I haven’t had any run-ins with her.”

  “You’re . . . kind of the one who did her in,” Liam said. “Your dragon did, anyway.”

  “Oh, her!” Duncan said, nodding with sudden enlightenment. “For some reason I had it in my head her name was Wendy. But you’re right—I did not care for her. And what ever happened to that dragon?”

  “Well, Liam,” Frederic said. “Plan of attack?”

  “Even without the Gem, Rundark is still pulling the strings in all Thirteen Kingdoms,” Liam said. “It’s pretty clear that until he and Zaubera are out the picture, we won’t get anywhere. So I guess it’s back to Castle von Deeb. Rauber, can you tell us anything else about Rundark’s defenses? Anything at all?” He glanced around the small-yet-lavish tree house. He saw beanbag chairs, bowls of lemon drops, dartboards with
his portrait on them, but no Rauber. The Bandit King had vanished again. “Man, I hate that kid.” Liam sighed. “Well, I think this situation has officially become more than the ten of us can handle. We need to do this the old-fashioned way—we need an army.”

  “Done,” Briar said proudly. She may have been perched atop a popcorn maker, but her regal pose made it seem almost throne-like. “Avondell’s army is the best in the world.”

  “Didn’t you hear me say your father is working with Rundark?” Liam asked.

  “I have a much easier time believing some cranky old witch rose from the grave than I do believing Daddy is working with the Darians.” Briar tapped her fingers agitatedly on the metal lid of the corn popper.

  “I’m sorry, Briar,” Liam replied. “But Rundark said he’d trusted his man in Avondell to execute Ella and the others.”

  “Which your father was about to do before we escaped,” Ella added.

  “He was obviously being controlled by the Gem,” Briar snipped.

  “But who had the Gem then?” Lila asked. “There’ve been no signs of Darians anywhere in Avondell.”

  Briar pursed her lips. “Look, my father was tricked into thinking you losers had murdered me,” she said bitterly. “Of course he locked you up. Can you blame him? Right now, I’d like to throw you all back in jail.” She scanned the faces before her. “Not really.” Pause. “Well, maybe a few of you.” Pause. “No, none.” Pause. “Maybe one. The point is: My father didn’t voluntarily team up with a maniacal tyrant just to get ahead in the world. That’s not the kind of thing Daddy would do. That’s the kind of thing I would do. Or would have done. You know, a few months ago.”

  “We’ve been in Avondell more recently than you have, Briar,” Ella said soberly. “Your dad has passed all sorts of strict, oppressive laws; and he’s locking up anyone who dares to speak out against his maniacal whims. He’s not just working with a tyrant—he’s become one.”

  Briar went red. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snarled. She stood tall and announced, “I’m going back to Avondell. Who’s coming with me?”

  No one moved.

  “You’re coming with me, at least—right, Liam?” Briar said, setting her steely-eyed focus on him.

  “Look, Briar, I understand why you don’t want to believe your father’s betrayal,” Liam said. “But Ella said—”

  “Oh, I see,” Briar huffed. “I’m good enough to listen to when you’re trapped on a desert island. But as soon as Cinderella’s back in the picture—”

  “That’s not what—”

  “Later, losers! Maybe I’ll send Avondell’s army to rescue you all after you’ve been captured by the Darians!” She dramatically tossed the rope ladder down from the tree house doorway. “Or maybe I won’t.” And she was gone.

  Liam broke the awkward silence that followed: “Did I say something wrong?”

  “Not from where I’m standing,” Ella said.

  “Technically, you’re sitting,” Duncan and Snow said in unison. They smiled at each other and embraced.

  Ella went on, gazing into Liam’s green eyes. “You know, after the way you interfered with my plan back in Rundark’s dungeon, I was this close to walking away from the team myself. I kept thinking, ‘After everything we’ve been through, he still doesn’t trust me.’”

  “I’ve always trusted you, Ella,” he said, taking her by the hand. “I only stopped you from going for the Gem because I didn’t want you to get hurt. It’s because I care. I’m the one who should be risking himself to—”

  “Wait. You’re the one?” Ella yanked her hand from his. “So you do still think you’re better than me. At everything.”

  “Ella, no. You’re taking this all too personally.” Liam was flustered. “This is just what I do. It’s just the way I react in dangerous situations—I jump to help whoever’s around me. Just like out at the ruins when I shielded Briar—”

  “Ah, yes—Briar,” Ella said, rolling her eyes. “I get it. It’s perfectly clear now, the problem between you and me. You can’t handle being around a woman who can take care of herself.” She stood up angrily. “Fine. Let me get out of your way then. I’ll do things on my own. Good luck, guys.” And she disappeared down the ladder.

  “Hold up! I’m going wherever you’re going,” said Val, scrambling after Ella.

  “Don’t leave me just because my brother’s being a jerk!” Lila jumped up and darted for the exit. She pointed at Liam and said, “You did this to yourself,” before sliding down the ladder.

  “What the heck just happened?” Liam sputtered. He felt like he’d been trampled by a herd of griffins.

  “Girls happened, Capey,” Gustav grunted. “Girls.”

  “No, you happened, Liam,” Frederic said. He walked over, placed his hands on Liam’s shoulder, and looked him in the eye. “And I hope you will listen to me, as a friend, when I tell you this: You sounded like my father just now.”

  Liam cringed.

  Duncan looked anxiously to his wife. “You’re not going, too, are you, Snowy?”

  “No,” Snow said in a bittersweet tone. “I liked being part of ffff! But I missed you too much to leave you again so soon.”

  “Part of what?” Gustav asked.

  Rapunzel stared out through the open doorway, then turned back and gave Frederic a wincing look.

  “You’re torn, aren’t you?” he asked her. “You and Ella have been through a lot together. I’d understand if you wanted to stick with her more than you wanted to stick with Liam.”

  Rapunzel gently touched his cheek. “You really can be dense sometimes,” she said lovingly. “I want to stick with you.”

  Half a mile away, Ella, Val, and Lila tromped through snowdrifts, zigzagging among the tall pines as they followed a trail of petite footprints.

  “So when we find Sleeping Beauty, what do you want me to do to her?” Val asked.

  “Oh, these aren’t Briar’s tracks—hers went due west, home to Avondell, I’m sure,” Lila explained. “We’re following Rauber’s prints. I understand your confusion, though; they’ve got pretty much the same size feet.”

  “Yeah, I couldn’t care less what that snotty princess does,” Ella scoffed. “Liam’s the fool who’ll end up following her, I’m sure. In fact, I bet you twenty silver pieces he ignores everything we said and goes back to Avondell. We’re going to have to end up rescuing him again before this is all over, you know. Probably from Briar. The woman’s a snake, right, Lila?”

  Lila paused and stared at the footprints.

  “Right, Lila?” Ella tried again.

  “Huh?” Lila said. “Uh, yeah, a snake.” They started walking again.

  “But while Liam is running around on wild diva chases, the three of us are going to stop Rundark,” Ella said, snapping a branch off a tree as she passed. “We just need to figure out the Warlord’s weak spot. And that is why we’re going to pry as much information as we can out of my cousin.”

  “Brilliant plan,” Val said, and then added sheepishly, “even if it’s sorta the same thing Liam first suggested. Are you sure we shouldn’t all work together?”

  “Hey, if you want to go back—” Ella began.

  “No! No, I’m with you all the way,” Val said.

  “Thanks,” Ella replied. “Out of everyone who was in that tree house, you had the least reason for loyalty, and I want you to know I appreciate your help.”

  Val blushed. “This may come as a shock,” she said, “but historically speaking, I haven’t had the easiest time making friends. Especially with other girls. Too much punching, I think. I know I kinda forced my way into your group, but I’ve been real happy you let me stay.”

  Ella patted Val on the back. She turned to Lila, who seemed strangely silent. The young girl’s mind was obviously elsewhere. “You okay, Lila?” she asked.

  “Um, actually, I feel kinda bad saying this—especially right now, considering the whole loyalty speech and everything,” Lila said, stopping
by a tree and brushing snowflakes from her eyes. “But I think I need to leave. I love that you acknowledged my skills and asked me to track down Rauber for you; but honestly, in this snow, he won’t be too hard for you to follow on your own.”

  “You need to support your brother,” Ella said earnestly, but not without disappointment. “I understand.”

  “No, Liam’s being a jerk,” Lila replied with a dismissive huff. “I need to go to Yondale. I’ve . . . I’ve got to check on something.”

  “Why don’t you just wait till after we’ve caught up with the punk kid?” Val suggested. “Then Ella and I will go with you.”

  “No, you two go ahead and find Rauber,” Lila said. “That’s important. And my business in Yondale . . . it’s something I feel like I need to do alone.”

  Ella looked at Lila with uneasy eyes. She is exactly how I would have been, she thought, if I’d had freedom at her age. “Be careful out there,” she said.

  Lila embraced them both and headed northward on her own.

  Liam, in the meantime, had developed a plan. “We all know how destructive bard songs can be, but the citizens of this kingdom aren’t stupid,” he said, slipping into his fur-lined coat. “Our best shot is to rouse the people—incite them to revolt. If we work up a people’s army, I have no doubt we can retake Castle Sturmhagen.”

  And so they struck out on Operation: Rebellion. And by “struck out,” I mean failed miserably. In every town they visited, they did indeed rouse the people. Unfortunately, they roused them against the League. In the village of Schnitzel-platz, for instance, they found Darian slavers forcing people to dredge for gold in an icy river. But none of those wet, shivering people wanted to stop, because a bard song had told them Rundark would autograph the battle-ax of whoever panned the most precious nuggets. The soggy citizens refused to listen to a word the princes had to say. They turned on the heroes, calling them traitors, and chased them away, singing a song that sounded vaguely familiar to them: “Listen, dear hearts, to a tale from afar, / of a long-bearded hero from the great land of Dar! / He’s good and he’s kind and he never says curses! / He makes kingdoms better, when they started off worses!”