The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw

by Christopher Healy

  To complicate matters further, these bard songs, it seemed, not only had gulled the people into loving Rundark, but had poisoned them again their rightful rulers with a series of terrible lies. (“Listen, dear hearts, to a tale most dismaying / Of greedy King Olaf and the scams he was playing. / While his people all slept, old Olaf schemed / To steal their pet reindeer and eat them all steamed.”)

  So the heroes fared no better in the town of Moominkugel, where locals notified their Darian overlords the moment the League approached. Or in Björkbjörk, where the villagers actually volunteered to let themselves be thrown at the princes. On the edge of the tiny burg of Lingonblintz, running from their fifth angry mob in as many days, the Leaguers all squeezed into a dirty pigeon coop to avoid capture. It was cramped, crowded, and covered with sticky smatterings of birdseed. They couldn’t take a breath without inhaling small gray feathers.

  Fig. 27

  MOB, angry

  “We’ve hit a new low,” Frederic muttered as a pigeon landed on his head.

  “It’s a hero’s worst nightmare,” Liam said. “People who don’t want to be saved.”

  “The more I hear this song, the angrier I get,” Gustav said. “Those people honestly think my father was secretly training their pet badgers to turn against them? And that he was going to outlaw meat?”

  “While Rundark, on the other hand, promised free turkey jerky for every citizen,” Rapunzel added. “It’s so outlandish.”

  “And yet the people have no problem believing it,” Liam said.

  “I suppose Rundark was right,” said Frederic, glumly shooing birds away with his feet. “You can’t beat the bards.”

  “Dunky, didn’t you and Gustav beat a bard once?” Snow asked. But Duncan was too busy naming pigeons.

  “Willoughby Jones, Superbeak, Ralphie-Boy—”

  Frederic had heard her question, though, and jumped with excitement—sending a flurry of pigeons flapping. “Snow, that’s the answer!” he shouted.

  “Thank you,” said Snow. “What was the question?”

  “Rundark said he’d kidnapped all the bards, but he couldn’t have! Reynaldo, the bard who Gustav and Duncan assaulted last summer—he’s still in Avondell,” Frederic said giddily. Beneath all the dirty feathers stuck to his face, he was practically glowing. “We can get to him!”

  “Why would we want to?” Gustav said, grimacing.

  “Don’t you get it?” Frederic beamed. “To beat the bards, we need to use a bard!”

  “That’s genius!” Liam cheered. “If we can get a bard to write truthful songs about the Darians, that could turn the people back to our side!”

  “Looks like we’re going back to Avondell after all,” Rapunzel said without much excitement.

  Duncan scooped up a handful of pigeon feathers and smooshed them under his overcrowded hatband. “I’m ready. Let’s do it!”

  34

  AN OUTLAW CAN SAVE YOUR KINGDOM

  The princes were arrested the moment they stepped foot into Avondell.

  “Please, good sirs,” Frederic pled as they marched along the slushy road to the palace, prodded by the pikes of a dozen earmuffed soldiers. “I know you have orders to take us in, but it’s dreadfully important that we speak with Reynaldo, Duke of Rhyme. Could I possibly persuade you to take a message to him?”

  “Whatever it is, you can tell the bard yourself,” said a sergeant, tucking in his thermal ascot. “He’s probably with Princess Briar right now.”

  “Briar?” Liam said. “Thank goodness. She’ll get this mess sorted out for us.”

  “I doubt it,” the sergeant said. “It was Her Majesty who ordered your arrest.”

  “What?!”

  But the soldiers offered no more information; they silently marched the captives into the palace, up a shimmering, gold-plated staircase, and through two elegant, leaded-glass doors to the royal reception chamber, where they did indeed find Reynaldo. The bard sat on a velvet bench, blithely strumming his lute. And beside him, on her throne, sat Briar Rose. She was resplendent in a flowing, diamond-studded gown and matching tiara. Her signature tower of hair was back in all its glory, and she held a ruby-tipped scepter in her hand. But her face was utterly empty, eyes staring straight ahead with seemingly no thought behind them. Until she saw the League.

  “Well, you took your sweet time getting here,” Briar said, her expression quickly morphing into an annoyed sneer. Reynaldo’s head whipped in her direction. The bard’s handlebar mustache quivered as he dropped his instrument and began desperately rubbing at a gemstone clenched in his hand.

  “Do you know how tired I am of pretending to be under this idiot’s control?” Briar went on, pointing to the bard as he frantically rolled the jewel around between his palms. “It’s been a week and a half, and he still hasn’t realized his Gem doesn’t work anymore.”

  Reynaldo held the shard up to his lips and whispered, “Stop, stop, stop . . .”

  Briar clubbed him over the head with her scepter, and he slumped to the floor. Briar then wagged her scepter at Liam. “I told you my father wasn’t working with Dar,” she said sharply. “This idiot bard is the traitor. And when I showed up back here, he tossed Daddy in jail and decided to start using me as his puppet instead. I’ve been playing along, hoping to overhear his conversations with Rundark. But he hasn’t had any. He’s terrified of the guy, now that Rundark knows he blew his big job and let the ladies escape.” She turned to the perplexed soldiers who were standing by, trying to make sense of what they were hearing. “Sergeant, go get my parents out of jail immediately. Oh, and release Captain Euphustus Bailywimple, too. He never should have been locked up.”

  The sergeant ran off at once.

  Briar looked back to Liam and tapped her foot impatiently. “Well? Do you have anything to say?”

  “Um, thank you?” Liam said, red cheeked.

  Briar shrugged. “I was hoping for, ‘I’m so sorry I ever doubted you, Briar. I will never again underestimate your keen insight and profound intelligence.’ But I’ll take it. Now, would all you people stop gaping and get over here. We need to question Reynaldo and get whatever information we can out of him.”

  The Leaguers ran to her. Gustav lifted Reynaldo off the ground by his ankle and shook him upside down until he woke.

  “Gah! Not again!” screamed the bard. “Don’t hurt me! I’m a coward!”

  “Tell us everything you know about the Darians,” Liam demanded.

  “They . . . um, come from a land east of Carpagia,” Reynaldo stammered, still dangling. “They display a preference for black leather. Even in summer. And their bodily odors are not the most pleasant I’ve encountered. They—”

  “How did you come to be allied with them?” Frederic stepped in to ask.

  “Lord Rundark had a plan to frame the League of Princes for Princess Briar’s murder,” the bard said. “Since it all hinged on a bounty offered by the royal family of Avondell, he knew there would be a lot of attention on the kingdom, so he didn’t want any Darians here. But he still wanted control. So he offered me the job of puppet master . . . and I accepted. Of course, I didn’t tell Lord Rundark about the little jailbreak we had a few months back.”

  “Why?” Liam asked, not caring to hide the disgust in his voice.

  “Because he wouldn’t have been happy about that,” Reynaldo said.

  “I mean, why did you side with Rundark to begin with?” Liam groaned.

  “Oh, why do you think?” Reynaldo said, seething. “I hate you guys! I used to love my job—until you had to go and make bard work into such a hassle with all your whining. ‘Call me by my real name! I don’t want to be Prince Charming!’ Then you attacked me and destroyed half my lute collection. And just when I finally had my comeback hit—my song about the wedding of Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty—you ruined it by ending the marriage.”

  “We also saved your life after Zaubera kidnapped you,” Frederic said.

  “What can I say? I’m not a nice per
son.” The bard gave an upside-down shrug. “Plus, Rundark was going to get rid of all the other bards. No competition! No more high-on-himself boasts from Pennyfeather the Mellifluous. No more ‘Watch me rhyme “ogre” with “booger”’ nonsense from Lyrical Leif. Just me: Reynaldo, the only bard in the world!” He paused. “Can you please put me down now?”

  “No,” Gustav said flatly.

  “Where are the other bards?” Liam asked. “Are they even alive?”

  Reynaldo’s face was nearly purple with all the blood that had rushed to his head. “They’re alive,” he said. “Lord Rundark thought he might have use for them in the future. They’re at the Bandit King’s original castle, the one he abandoned in Sturmhagen. The Warlord took it over merely as an added insult to the boy. Now, will you please let me go?”

  “Done,” said Gustav. And he dropped the bard on his head.

  The doors to the reception chamber flew open and the sergeant strode back in with a very haggard-looking King Basil and Queen Petunia. They rushed to hug Briar, who returned the embrace—though she stopped when she noticed the Leaguers staring at her oddly. “What?” she snipped. “I’m human.”

  Another freed prisoner strode into the reception chamber.

  “Captain Heffalump Barneygumble!” Snow cried with delight.

  Captain Euphustus Bailywimple scowled when he saw her and Rapunzel. “Do you know the pains I’ve endured for letting you escape?” he said coldly. “I would have at least hoped you’d have the sense not to come back here.”

  “Calm yourself, Bailywimple. They’re here as . . . friends,” Briar said. “And so are you—don’t worry, I know the whole story. You are hereby reinstated as Captain of the Guard.”

  The soldiers in the room applauded as the sergeant returned Bailywimple’s sword and keys and pinned his badge onto his drab prison uniform.

  King Basil, standing as tall and proud as he could in his shabby clothes, addressed the room. “I apparently owe thanks to many,” he said. “For the return of my daughter and the recovery of my throne. And as this mess gets sorted out—”

  The king’s speech was cut short by screams and shouts that sounded from outside the palace. Calls for help overlapped with cries of rage and the sounds of clanging metal. Liam rushed to the nearest window and rapidly cranked it open. “It’s the Darians!” he cried. “They’re attacking! There must be nearly a hundred of them.”

  Everyone rushed to the windows.

  “Jeez, they’re trashing your guys,” Gustav said, wincing.

  “I don’t understand,” Queen Petunia said nervously. “We have an army of five thousand. Yet I see a mere dozen defending the palace. Where are our men?”

  “Parallax Island,” Reynaldo said, curling himself into a ball like a frightened potato bug. “I sent most of Avondell’s army across the sea on a quest to fetch the fabled Gossamer Strings of Parallax.”

  King Basil scowled. “You conniving knave,” he said. “You set us up to be defenseless for this invasion.”

  “No, honestly, I didn’t even know about this,” said Reynaldo. “I just wanted pretty strings for my lute.”

  Gustav pulled away from the window. “They’re through the gates!” he yelled. “Brace yourselves!”

  “They’re coming in the back way, too!” Captain Bailywimple cried. “We’re trapped in here.”

  The sounds of battle echoed through the halls as the group in the reception chamber—the royal family, the League of Princes, two members of ffff!, and twenty loyal-but-scared Avondellian guards—gathered around the thrones and prepared themselves as best they could.

  Five long minutes passed until, finally, Darians began to pour into the room from both sides. Leading the charge through the main entrance was Jezek, Lord Rundark’s former bodyguard. Jezek carried no weapon. He didn’t need any. The thick iron mail he wore, which covered him from head to toe in deadly spikes, turned his entire body into a weapon.

  “Your services are no longer needed, bard,” Jezek growled as he barged in. “Lord Rundark sent me to take over. That’s what you get for lying to— What’s this?” He paused, eyeing the princes with wicked delight. “I didn’t know you had company. This is going to be even better than I thought. Get ’em, men!”

  And thus began the Battle of Avondell Palace.

  Years later, artists would depict the victory dinner—at which a lovely clam-and-tofu casserole was served—in colorful mosaics on the wall of Avondell’s War Room, as was tradition. But as for the actual events of the battle, those would have to be passed on through story and song, from father to son and mother to daughter, from bartender to customer and horsekeeper to horse. And nearly every telling of the tale would be different, as there was such chaos and tumult in the royal reception chamber that day. But there are certain details that most would remember: Gustav fighting off six Darians at once—before even drawing his sword; Liam flashing his blade to slice through the bows of a whole team of enemy archers; Briar Rose defending her parents with mighty swings of her jeweled scepter; Snow White and Captain Bailywimple fighting side by side—he with his sword, she with a handful of expertly flung buttons. They would remember Rapunzel crying into her hands and flicking tears at anybody who looked hurt, and Frederic giving encouraging pats on the back to the Avondellian soldiers. And they’d most certainly recall that sneaky bard, Reynaldo, trying to slink out in the commotion, only to find Duncan tackling him to the floor and stealing the lovely pheasant feather from his cap.

  But whichever details a storyteller would choose to include or dismiss, he would never forget the way the Battle of Avondell Palace ended. The League and their allies fought bravely that day, but they were gravely outnumbered. So Captain Euphustus Bailywimple took it upon himself to change the tide. Ducking behind the queen’s throne with Snow White, he handed the petite princess his keys.

  “I will carve you a path to the door,” he said. “Head downstairs to the dungeon and release all the prisoners. Tell them that the true king is back and needs their help. Most of them are patriots. They will come.”

  Without waiting for Snow to respond, Bailywimple launched himself into the fray, bashing down every Darian in his path. But the foes were many, and even the Captain’s skill could not keep him from being struck down. As he hit the ground, clutching the sword wound in his side, he saw Snow White race past him and duck out through the door. He closed his eyes and prayed she’d succeed in her mission.

  She did.

  Just when all hope seemed lost and the Darians had the heroes cornered between the two empty thrones, in swarmed hundreds of freshly released prisoners, all of whom now knew the truth about Dar and were eager for revenge. Overwhelmed, the Darian soldiers soon went down. All, that is, but one.

  Jezek refused to give in.

  “Dar shall rule all!” he hollered, knocking down one enemy after another. For a moment, it looked like the spiked thug might singlehandedly conquer Avondell. “You people are no match for me!”

  And then one voice rose above the clamor: Duncan’s. “Hey, I remember this guy! He’s the crazy pineapple man I fought at the Bandit King’s house. I know how to stop him. Things stick to him! See?” And then he threw a grapefruit at Jezek. Where he had gotten the grapefruit, no one knew, but it plunged straight onto a spike just over Jezek’s brow and stuck there, dripping juice into his eye.

  Fig. 28

  DUNCAN, armed

  Everyone followed Duncan’s lead, slamming the armored Darian with whatever items they could find around the room. Jezek howled and sputtered as fat books, planks of wood, cobs of corn, torn-down curtains, and padded footstools were plunked all over his body. He ended up with Reynaldo’s broken lute on his backside and a throne cushion—slapped on by King Basil himself—covering his face. Unable to see, Jezek charged directly into a wall and knocked himself out.

  Thus was Avondell liberated.

  Rapunzel immediately began tending to the wounded. Captain Bailywimple opened his eyes and sat up, checking his side f
or a wound that was no longer there. “Opening that garden gate was the best decision I ever made,” he said. “You have my deepest gratitude.” Rapunzel, being Rapunzel, also fixed up a slew of battered Darians, but only after they were safely locked in prison cells.

  As the mess began to be cleared, King Basil once again addressed the League. “You have saved our kingdom,” he said.

  “One down, twelve to go,” said Gustav.

  “Your Highness,” Liam said, “we won a great victory today, but the war is far from over. Your further assistance would be a great boon to us.”

  “Avondell is in your debt,” Basil said. “But I don’t know what more we can—”

  Briar stepped up beside him. “Don’t worry, Daddy, I’ve got this.” She turned to her sergeant, who was testing out a broken leg that had just been magically reconstructed. “Soldier, hurry down to the boatyard. Send our fastest ship to Parallax Island. Get the rest of our men back here immediately. Liam, you will have the full might of Avondell’s army when you need it. Now stop being a good influence on me and get out of here.”

  “Where do we go next?” Gustav asked.

  “Rundark’s army is spread thin,” Liam said. “He can’t have more than a few hundred men in each of the conquered kingdoms.”

  “Yes, but we never would have won here without the assistance of the freed prisoners,” Frederic said. “People who hadn’t heard the bard songs and weren’t under their spell.”

  “Yes,” added Rapunzel. “And winning over the populaces of those other conquered kingdoms won’t be as easy as turning a dungeon key.”