by Iris Morland
Harrison rolled his eyes. “How should I know? I don’t live here.”
“Because you’re the oldest.” She smiled at Seth. “Long time no see. How are you?”
Seth could just make out a slight bump on Sara’s figure, and when Harrison covered her belly with his palm and kissed the crown of her head, envy struck Seth like a lightning bolt.
He remembered Harrison as someone who didn’t have time for relationships because he’d been too focused on his career as a pediatric oncologist. When Seth had first joined up, Harrison hadn’t had a serious girlfriend in over two years. And Mark—Seth couldn’t have been more shocked if someone had told him Mark had decided to dye his hair pink and become a pastry chef when he’d found out he’d fallen in love with Abby. Returning to so many of his siblings being happily married had been strange, like Seth had entered some alternate dimension.
The days of him and his brothers talking about all the beautiful women they met and enjoyed had vanished. Now it was marriage, babies, buying houses—adulthood in a nutshell.
Seth gave Sara a wan smile. “I’m fine. How are you?”
After that, Seth mostly listened as everyone talked about their lives, their jobs, the usual types of things. Harrison and Sara were debating whether or not they wanted to find out the gender of their baby, while Mark and Abby were enjoying the latest foal that had been born on Mark’s ranch.
Rose found him after a while, looking happy but a little out of her element.
“Where’s Lizzie?” he asked her. He frowned. “She didn’t abandon you, did she?”
“No, she just had to go nurse Bea. Everyone has been perfectly nice.”
“Have you met my mother?”
She laughed. “Not yet. She’s been too busy, I guess.”
Lisa Thornton found them both soon thereafter. With her icy beauty and imperious stare, Lisa inspired admiration and fear in everyone she met. Her adult children still found her formidable.
“Seth, there you are. I haven’t seen you in ages,” Lisa admonished as she hugged him. “What have you been doing with yourself?”
“Sorry, Mom. I’ve meant to stop by,” he lied. He gestured toward Rose. “Have you met Rose DiMarco? She’s Heath’s younger sister.”
Lisa held out a hand that had a large diamond ring on her finger. “Rose, it’s so nice to meet you. You live next door to my son?”
“That’s right,” Rose said as she took Lisa’s hand. “I moved in about a month ago.”
“Excellent. Well, I hope you two enjoy yourselves. I have to find your father.” She patted Seth on the arm and hurried off.
Seth stared after Lisa, nonplussed. “That was—”
“Anticlimactic?” Rose supplied.
They both looked at each other and laughed. Maybe the rumors about Lisa not being quite as intense were true.
Seth and Rose drank and talked, and Rose lit sparklers with Sara’s son, James, before the fireworks show. Now eight years old, James was bright and growing like a weed. Although Harrison was his stepfather, he’d become more of a father to James since his marriage to Sara. James even called him Dad, despite his real father’s protests.
“You have to do it like this,” James said, demonstrating for Rose. “Right. Watch me, okay?”
Rose stood and watched, her expression serious, as James showed her the proper way to make swirls with the sparkler. James was so intent that he didn’t even notice Rose grinning at Seth.
God, I love her, Seth thought, realizing he was smiling like a fool right now. As he watched her play with James, the two of them making figure eights that seemed to be burned into the very air, he almost blurted out the words right then. He loved her so much it hurt.
When James ran off to get a hot dog, Seth almost took her into a private corner to tell her. But then Dave Thornton got up and yelled, “The fireworks are starting in five minutes! Get to your places, everyone!”
Seth froze, but with the crowd moving to get the best spots, Rose didn’t notice. They found themselves next to Megan and Caleb, everyone talking and laughing before the show began. Since the Thorntons were outside the city limits, they were able to do their own show—and even if anyone objected, they knew too many people in town to get themselves slapped with a fine.
Seth gritted his teeth, steeling himself. When the first firework went off, he closed his eyes.
At first, he thought he was fine. He wasn’t shaking, and he knew where he was. He felt Rose against him, and he heard her gasps at the bright colors and explosions overhead.
But as the fireworks went on and on, seemingly without end, he realized he was shaking. He was afraid he was going to throw up. When a firework burst multiple times in a row, crackling like gunfire, he pushed whoever was behind him aside. He couldn’t breathe; he gasped for air.
Finally, he broke free of the crowd, and he didn’t even see where he was going: he just ran until he collapsed onto his knees, his hands over his ears as the explosions went on and on.
17
One moment Seth was next to her watching the fireworks, the next he was pushing his way through the crowd. He disappeared from her line of sight for a moment.
“What’s wrong?” Caleb yelled over the latest firework explosion.
“I don’t know! I need to go after him.”
Rose ducked under someone’s arm and headed toward the Thornton house. She saw a door close, and she went inside the house, which was mostly dark except for a dim light from the hallway. She’d gone through a back door that led into a mudroom. She waited a moment and then heard footsteps. She ran after the sound.
She discovered Seth in a room upstairs, his head in his hands. She glanced at the decor and realized that this must have been his childhood room: there were posters of rock bands on the walls, a giant but old stereo on a table near the bed, and a scattering of rudimentary wooden figurines. She almost smiled when she saw the desktop computer still sitting on the desk.
“Seth.” He didn’t respond, and she sat down next to him on the bed, careful not to startle him. “Seth, it’s me. It’s Rose.”
He just shook his head. When a firework went off, he flinched, the sound echoing through the house. Rose could even feel the walls shake from the blast.
Seth seemed to close further in on himself, like he could protect himself from the thoughts ricocheting in his mind. Rose’s heart shattered as she watched him.
“Seth,” she said again. She touched his arm, but he wrenched away from her.
“Go. Away.” His voice was raspy and harsh, and she barely recognized the sound. “Go away.”
“I’m not leaving you like this. I’ll stay for as long as it takes.”
He didn’t answer.
The grand finale of the fireworks was the worst: the explosion and the pat-pat-pat continued on and on, and with each sound, Seth shuddered.
“I’m here,” she said, because she didn’t know what else to do. “I’m here. It’s me. You’re safe. Can you hear me?”
When the fireworks ended, Rose breathed a sigh of relief. After what seemed an eternity, Seth began to uncurl himself, and when she saw his expression, she almost cried. He looked battered and drained and so vulnerable she wanted to take away all of his pain.
She understood that kind of pain all too well, and she never wanted someone she loved to know what it felt like.
She reached out and put a hand on his arm. A second later, Rose found herself pushed away so hard that she fell onto the floor as Seth wrenched himself away from her. Jumping up, he yelled, “Don’t fucking touch me!”
Rose stared up at him. In that moment, she knew that he didn’t know where he was. Her heart pounding, she whispered, “I’m sorry. I won’t touch you again.”
“Can’t fucking touch me,” he muttered. He tugged at his hair, his eyes wild, and Rose just waited, praying he’d return to himself.
When he did, he stared at her in shock. Then his face twisted with horror.
“Rose—goddamn. Are yo
u okay?” He helped her up, and she felt him tremble. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, no, you just startled me. I’m fine. Seth, do you know where you are?”
He was so stricken that he turned away from her. “I could’ve hurt you,” he said, his voice full of despair. “You should leave.”
“I’m not leaving you now. You had an episode. Do you want to go to the hospital?”
“No!” He whirled on her. Trying to calm himself, he said more quietly, “No. I’ll be fine. I just need to sit for a while in silence.”
“Then I’ll sit with you.”
He nodded, and they sat back down on the bed. Rose didn’t touch him, no matter how much she wanted to.
They didn’t have long to sit in silence. The door burst open, and in came what seemed like the entire Thornton family.
“We heard a shout. Jesus, what happened?” Caleb demanded.
After him followed Lizzie, Harrison, and then Lisa.
“Seth, Caleb said you left the fireworks show,” Lizzie said as she sat down in a chair next to him. “Can you talk? You’re scaring me.”
Lisa’s expression was even more stricken than Seth’s had been moments earlier. To Rose’s shock, she saw tears on Lisa’s face.
“I didn’t know,” Lisa whispered. When Seth didn’t respond, she spoke to Rose. “I didn’t know. I would never have had the fireworks. He never said a word. He said he was fine…”
Rose stood and took Lisa’s hand, squeezing it. Lisa began to cry harder, and she turned away, obviously embarrassed by this onslaught of emotion.
“Seth, talk to me.” Harrison kneeled in front of his younger brother. “What happened? Can you tell me?”
Seth stood up again, and Harrison almost fell over. It would’ve been comical if everyone weren’t so worried.
“Will you all just. Get. OUT!” Seth shouted the last two words until everyone winced. “GET. OUT!”
“Everyone needs to leave,” Abby said as she bustled inside.
Rose vaguely remembered being told that Abby was an ER nurse, and based on her current demeanor, Rose could see why. Within moments, Abby had gotten everyone—except Rose—to leave so she could look over Seth.
Abby was able to piece together an explanation from both Rose and Seth, and after Seth declined going to the hospital a second time, Abby took Rose aside.
“He needs to go home and rest. If anything else happens, though, take him straight to the ER, got it?”
Rose nodded, almost numb at this point. “Got it.”
Rose collected Callie, who’d stayed by James’s side and who seemed the most disappointed to be leaving early.
Rose barely remembered driving Seth back to their apartments. She declined to tell anyone her driver’s license had expired ages ago.
Sensing that her two favorite humans were upset, Callie laid her head, chin down, on the center console. Periodically, Rose would scratch her behind the ears, and she could hear Callie’s tail thump against the backseats.
“I’m staying with you,” Rose said as Seth opened his front door.
He didn’t protest, but he didn’t seem to hear her, either. He mumbled something about taking a shower. Rose took Callie for a quick walk before having her settle down on some blankets in the living room.
“Are you hungry?” she asked Seth when he emerged from his bedroom. “I could make us something.”
He shook his head. “You should go home,” he said. “You don’t need to stay here.”
“Of course I do. Seth, what happened tonight—”
“I don’t want to talk about it. It happened, whatever. I’ll get over it.”
He collapsed onto his couch and closed his eyes. Rose finally sat next to him, still afraid to touch him.
“Did I hurt you?” He opened his eyes; his gaze was clear but stark.
“No. It was an accident. You didn’t know where you were.”
“Didn’t I? All I could hear were the bombs—fireworks—and I just lost my fucking mind.” He smiled grimly. “Didn’t I say I didn’t want to talk about it?”
After a long moment, he sighed. “You should go, Rose.”
“And leave you alone right now? No way.” She glared at him. “So stop telling me to leave already.”
Seth almost laughed at Rose’s obstinate expression. Of course she wouldn’t leave, she was as stubborn as anyone he knew. Maybe even more stubborn than Lizzie, which was saying something.
His head pounded, and he wished he could drink until he blacked out. Too bad he only had a few beers in his fridge. Maybe he could go to the corner store…
He doubted alcohol could banish the thoughts replaying over and over in his mind: the sound of the fireworks; the smell of blood filling his nostrils; the heat of sand; the screams. Past and present had blurred until he couldn’t decipher which was which. He’d never lost himself so completely before, and God Almighty, it terrified him.
And then he’d knocked Rose to the floor without even knowing he was doing it.
She wasn’t hurt, thank God, but he felt guilty anyway. He could’ve hurt her. What if he’d pushed her hard enough that she struck her head on something? Horror congealed in his gut.
He might not have hurt her tonight, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t hurt her later. He’d been deceiving himself, thinking he could make a life for himself here. He was good for nothing but being a soldier. Without the Marines, he was just a shell of a man, too terrified to enjoy a damn fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
“It should’ve been me,” he said hoarsely. “Not Max. I should’ve been the one who died that day.”
“How can you say that? Seth, you can’t blame yourself—”
“Of course I can! I should’ve known, I should’ve been paying fucking attention.” He struggled for air, and the memories of that day flooded back. Yet the worst part was that he knew where he was now, and that meant he couldn’t do a damn thing about what had happened. He just saw Max, bleeding onto the sand, and he saw himself being unable to save him.
“He was a good man. He had a little girl. But here I am, coming back to this stupid town and with nothing to show for it. I’m a wreck; I can’t be anything but a soldier.” He didn’t break eye contact with Rose, like he could somehow convey what he meant through his gaze. “I can’t do this.”
She shook her head. Tears spilled from her eyes. She tried to take his hand, but he wouldn’t let her.
“I’ve made my decision: I’m doing that fourth tour. I’m taking Sergeant Loyd’s offer.”
Rose stared at him, astonished. “What are you talking about? Seth, this isn’t the time to make that kind of a decision.”
“How is it not? Tonight proved that I’m not meant to be here.” He shrugged. “And if it ends up being my last tour, then so be it.”
Rose’s jaw clenched. “So that’s it? You don’t deserve to have a life of your own at all?” She wiped the tears from her cheeks, but they kept flowing. “You’re not thinking clearly.”
“I’m thinking more clearly than I ever have before.”
“So what we have is nothing? You’ll leave and never return because you don’t deserve any better?”
He looked away; he wished Rose would leave him in peace. He closed his eyes.
“Say it to my face, Seth Thornton. Say you don’t care about me. Say you don’t love me.” Her voice rose with each word. “Because guess what? I love you. I love you so much that you’re breaking my heart right now.”
Seth’s eyes flew open at her declaration. Tears shimmered on her cheeks, and she was flushed and angry—and so goddamned beautiful that he wanted to fall at her feet.
“You can’t love me,” he said, his voice cracking. “You don’t know what you mean.”
“How dare you say that to me. Do you think I’m some stupid child? I know exactly what I mean.” Like she was lobbing a bomb at him, she said again, “I love you.”
He got up from the couch, running his fingers through his hair. He wanted t
o rip a hole in the wall, or scream, or maybe sob until he was nothing but a dry husk.
“You should go,” was all he said. His voice was cold, emotionless.
Rose laughed. “Of course I should go. That’s all that you’ve wanted, right? So you can be the great big hero. You know what? Take the offer. Go kill yourself in some godforsaken place, Seth Thornton. I’m not going to watch you do it.”
Her voice broke on a sob, and he watched in despair as she cried.
Right then, he hated himself, and he wished desperately that she would find someone better than him.
She got up, her fists clenched. “You know what you are?” she whispered. “You’re a coward. You’re afraid of what we have, and you’d rather throw it all away.”
“I’m not the one running, Rose. You are.”
“Maybe I am running. But at least it’s not toward my own death.”
The anger burst inside him like the fireworks from that evening. It spiked his blood, and with a quick grab, he yanked Rose into his arms. She gasped.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no idea.”
Her smile was so sad right then. “Don’t I?”
They stared at each other, their chests sawing for breath. The moment heated, expanded, until the tension made him tremble. He dipped his head toward her, needing her taste, her touch, but she pushed at his chest.
“Let me go.”
He hesitated. Then he freed her from his embrace.
“I’m going, just like you wanted. And I won’t be back.”
When she slammed the door behind her, he didn’t even flinch.
18
Rose entered her own apartment and stood in the middle of her living room. Her brain couldn’t compute what had just happened. She stared at the dirty dishes currently sitting in the sink, the mug on the coffee table where she’d left it this morning. It had seemed ages ago, drinking from the mug.
Callie whined and sat next to Rose. She whined again, but Rose didn’t respond.
