Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  “Don’t forget my whozits and whatzits,” grinned Hansa. She straightened out her hair and curtsied for me, causing more soot to fall off her dress.

  “Glorious,” Splendid Gloria groaned. “What did you do?”

  “I used a thingamabob!” exclaimed Hansa.

  Surveying the destruction, I nodded appreciatively. “I want twenty!”

  “No big deal,” grinned Hansa. “I’ll make more.”

  She opened up her mouth to sing, but I interrupted her.

  I want to find where the monsters are

  I want to see

  Want to see them s’ploding

  Blowing to bits all their

  Limbs and feet

  Parts of them flipping away too far

  Organs splattered on the ground dancin’

  Spilling all of their guts

  And bloody chunks of meat!

  Oh, they won’t walk

  They will just run

  From explosions bright as the sun

  Guts flying free

  Wish I could see

  Their parts in this world!

  Both girls stared at me open-mouthed, while Splendid Gloria just nodded. “Looks like you aren’t equally talented at everything.”

  “You be quiet. That was great,” I grumbled. Shart laughed, and Badgelor tossed a hunk of fish at me that even he wouldn’t eat. The little asshole lined up the shot perfectly. If I dodged, it would hit Margwal. That clearly wasn’t an option, so I allowed offal to splatter against my armor. Then, the badger flipped me off and dove back into filth he knew I wouldn’t chase him through.

  Jerk.

  Glorious Robert stomped over, having dunked his head in a bucket of water and gotten some of the soot off himself. He hadn’t done a great job, and now his uniformly black skin was covered in streaks and stripes of black dusty goop.

  “Splendid Gloria, Margwal,” he said after a moment, glaring at us all. Hansa had the good sense to look sheepish. “Jim, it's practice time.”

  “Oh no,” I thought as he stormed over to the training ground. I turned to say something to Hansa but was stopped in my tracks when Glorious Robert barked, “Now!”

  Chapter 11: Training Day

  I stumbled backward, Glorious Robert’s last combo striking me solidly all three times. The final strike was enough to send me tumbling onto my ass. He promptly threw down his sword in disgust.

  “Jim, what the hell is wrong with you?” he shouted. “You are up to the Talented rank at Fancy Footwork, which is nothing short of amazing in the short period of time we’ve been training, but it doesn’t matter.”

  “Why is that?” I groaned, getting back to my feet.

  “That was a basic Journeyman sword combo! You should have been able to easily avoid all of those strikes, but you moved too late in every case,” answered Glorious Robert. He looked down in exasperation. “I think I may have done you a disservice by teaching you Footwork, but I also don’t think your Dodge skill would have helped you there.”

  Glorious Robert had been fully kicking my ass the entire training session. On the upside, I was earning a ridiculous amount of Skill Points. The problem seemed to be that my actual Fancy Footwork skill’s effectiveness had plateaued somewhere in the Journeyman rank. The Mentor skill let Glorious Robert restrict his skill to a lower rank for training purposes. I should have been able to dodge the Journeyman level attacks he was using fairly easily. Instead, I was getting my clock cleaned.

  It wasn’t as pronounced as when I fought Dalton, but his two-handed sword was much slower than Glorious Robert’s one-handed weapons. When Dalton needed speed, he tended to just use his fists, which moved quickly enough.

  “Maybe I’d do better if you tried at Expert rank,” I offered.

  “You are soft if you think that’s going to go better for you,” answered Glorious Robert, holding his sword at the ready position again. I assumed my own position and waited for that feeling that told me to begin the fight. It was hard to describe, but I figured it had to be similar to the moment a gunfighter knew to draw.

  Glorious Robert felt that moment first. His sword flashed toward me. I felt time start to slow. Before a prompt appeared, his sword slammed into my shoulder, followed by my temple. The force was great enough to snap my head around entirely and send me spinning through the air. I hit the ground hard, still unsure of exactly what had happened.

  I was back on my feet before Glorious Robert had time to get his next speech about my inadequacies ready. “It looks like this is going to be a rough time for ya,” he stated.

  Chapter 12: Jim’s ‘Problem’

  It was a few hours before midnight when my companions and I stumbled back into the house. I had learned that, after a point, even Iron Will had its limits. I could still feel Glorious Robert’s constant strikes to my temple. We had stopped after he decided that beating me out of my bad habit wasn’t going to work.

  “I just want to sleep,” I groaned, when Badgelor raced ahead of me and stood in front of my bedroom door. There was a basket sitting next to the doorframe.

  “No, Badger’s Night is in a few days. You haven’t made nearly enough toys,” growled the badger.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” I groaned. “I’ll do it tomorrow morning.”

  “You’ll do it now, or you will suffer the consequences,” growled Badgelor. He hadn’t expanded into his War Form, so I was curious to see what he actually thought he was going to accomplish here.

  “What are you going to do to me, you little, furry turd?” I asked, stamping my foot like a petulant child.

  He lifted his leg, bringing the tiniest amount of secretions from his musk gland into the battle.

  “Fine,” I reached down and grabbed the basket, before turning to go up the stairs. “What is this?”

  “It's mine, give it,” yelled Badgelor, grabbing one of the two jars of white cream from the basket. I tried to grab it back, but he was already scurrying down the stairs. I recognized those jars. They contained Badgelor’s dipping sauce. It was being delivered regularly and in great quantities.

  Glancing through the basket, I saw a note. “Be strong, Mister Mayor, Jarra the Healer.”

  That couldn’t be good. Taking the remaining jar, I unscrewed the lid. It smelled just as bad as it usually did, but I had the Alchemy skill. Identifying salves was just one of its many uses.

  ● Cream of Penile Restoration, this cream has been specifically formulated to cure any STD, defect, or other issues that a penis might have. This salve is extra potent. This salve is specifically for use by Jim, Mayor of Windfall.

  Sir Dalton stepped out of the hallway and looked at me. “Ah, excellent. I told you I’d get you fixed right up. I explained the situation of your tiny, defective tallywacker to Jarra the Healer and had her make you up a cure,” he said, slapping my back. “Don’t worry, Jim, we’ll get your problem resolved. I swear it on my honor as a Knight.”

  “How long has this been going on?” I asked numbly.

  “Since the battle at the castle. I talked to Jarra the Healer right after. We even got Fenris to check with Badgelor, to make sure the cream was working,” said Dalton. “Badgelor said it really improved the firmness of the problem area. He hand delivers the jars back to me every morning. Honestly, it almost looks like you are licking the jars clean to get that product on your junk. You were going through it so quickly that I doubled my order. I may have to triple it soon.”

  I was stunned into silence.

  “Don’t worry,” said Sir Dalton, grabbing me by the shoulders, “We will get through this! A man is no man at all, if his bait and tackle don’t work. Even if we have to charge through all the trolls between here and Falcon Crest, we will do it. You got this, Jim. I believe in you!”

  My shoulders slumped. I wasn’t going to be able to argue this, not with Badgelor returning the empties every day. Defeated, I went up to my workshop.

  By the time I’d finished enough toys to satisfy the little asshole for t
he night, it was after midnight.

  Chapter 13: Mayoring Problems

  “How does it keep smelling worse?” I groaned the next day, as Sir Dalton and I sat around the table eating breakfast. Zorlando had left early in the morning for training. He was trying to increase the rank in his Swords skill and was nearly on the cusp of it. Plus, he tended to avoid the house when Ashe and Sir Dalton were both present. He’d be back in time for lunch when Ashe was present and Dalton was out looking for the ne'er do well. .

  Honestly, though, I thought the real reason Zorlando had abandoned breakfast was that Sir Dalton had requested, and also received, some of his favorite eggs from EstherSasha. They smelled as strange as they looked. Due to EstherSasha’s unique cooking flaw, all of her meals tasted different. Even if she prepared the exact same meal from the exact same ingredients, there was no way in hell the meals would taste the same. For someone like Sir Dalton, who ate an absurd amount of eggs daily, that gave him a unique set of flavors that he’d never run into before.

  “Are green eggs some sort of tradition?” I asked, poking at my plate. They didn’t have St. Patrick’s Day, but maybe Badger’s Day had a green tradition.

  “No, I have no idea why they are green,” answered Sir Dalton. He loaded up his plate a second time and began devouring the food. I had tried them, along with the green ham that came with them. Both were inedible, even by the most loosest of standards.

  “Food coloring exists here?” I thought to Shart.

  “Sure, although I’m pretty sure she didn’t use any,” mentally replied the demon.

  “You want some eggs?” I thought.

  “First off, I don’t eat. You know this already, Dum Dum. Second, if I were to try something, it's certainly not going to be food that even Badgelor won’t eat,” he replied.

  “They taste like feet and consolidated sadness,” said the badger. He’d sampled some of EstherSasha’s cooking before and knew to steer clear.

  “You eat rotting fish guts,” I replied.

  “Not rotting fish feet,” he growled, shaking his head violently.

  I heard the melodic jingling of a bell. Moments later, SueLeeta walked into the small dining room. She nodded, placing several leaflets of paper in front of me. “I brought you those reports you asked for.”

  “Uh huh,” I replied, glancing at the papers. I was pretty sure she had just grabbed them off Mar’s desk, which is where I would be depositing them as soon as I left here. “Would you like some eggs?”

  “Sorry, no, I already ate,” answered SueLeeta. The smart woman had only made that mistake once.

  “SueLeeta,” greeted Sir Dalton, standing and bowing his head toward her. “I have been following your instructions, but, alas, I seem to be doing them wrong!”

  “Whatever do you mean?” asked SueLeeta innocently, an expression of honest concern plastered onto her face.

  “I have plied Jarra the Healer with gifts, like you suggested, but she did not seem to care for them,” answered Sir Dalton glumly. “I got her some armor, a bow, and a finely crafted hatchet. She didn’t seem to be at all interested in any of it.”

  “That’s terrible! I would have loved to receive those gifts. We could have gone out hunting in the wilderness or sought out some monsters,” said SueLeeta.

  “Yes, we could have,” nodded Sir Dalton, brushing past the notion.

  “I think the only reasonable thing here is to keep trying,” said SueLeeta. Sir Dalton took a seat and adopted his thinking expression. It looked like he was constipated as he shoved more eggs into his mouth.

  “Any luck with the oaf?” I asked.

  “Nope, I’m still working on it, though,” answered SueLeeta. Plan: Clueless Warrior involved SueLeeta and OttoSherman wing manning Dalton while subtly showing him that SueLeeta was actually the girl of his dreams; his target, in this case Jarra, just wasn’t for him. The plan would have worked on almost anyone, but Sir Dalton had a unique defense against it.

  “I wasn’t aware you were helping us find the oaf who is dating my Ashe,” stated clueless Detective Dalton.

  “Oh, yes, I’d be happy to help you find out who is dating Ashe,” said SueLeeta, looking over at me. I shook my head and mouthed ‘Zorlando’. Her eyes went wide for a moment, contemplating all the ways that would complicate everything. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

  “Many thanks. Jim and Zorlando are also helping me. I’m sure we’ll find him in no time,” smiled Sir Dalton.

  SueLeeta bit her lip at this. She was very much attracted to big dumb guys, and Sir Dalton was the biggest, dumbest guy I knew. I blamed the Woodsman in her; she was far more interested in the behavior of simple-minded beasts than men.

  “Zorlando’s helping?” she asked after a moment. “That seems particularly brave.”

  “He is my close friend and wants the best for Ashe. I’m sure his bravery will be sufficient,” stated Sir Dalton.

  “They do seem to spend a lot of time together,” I said.

  “Yes, Zorlando is clever. Instead of sneaking around, like I do, he has gone right up to Ashe to ensure he knows where she is at all times,” stated Sir Dalton. “Why, just yesterday I saw the two of them walking in the park. Later, they spent the evening eating at a small restaurant off the main road.”

  “I didn’t realize that was even open yet,” stated SueLeeta, looking at me. New businesses opened all the time. This one was called the Creekside tavern. They had opened only in the last few days. I hadn’t even managed to swing by for a visit yet.

  “They are, but worry not! I snuck into the establishment and overheard my precious Ashe and Zorlando talking,” stated Sir Dalton.

  “About what?” I dared to ask.

  “Well, about the weather, of all things. They were in the middle of a good, long discussion about the weather, when I finally managed to sneak close enough to overhear them,” smiled Sir Dalton.

  “Were you wearing your armor at the time?” I ventured.

  “I was outdoors! Of course, you know I was,” stated Sir Dalton, his heavy chain shirt clanking loudly against itself. I wondered how stealthy someone clanking around in that armor could possibly be.

  “Just making sure you were protected,” I said.

  “Oh, good thoughts, Jim. However, I do not expect to have to battle this oaf. When I find him, I will simply introduce myself and put the fear of Dalton into his heart. That will guarantee that he doesn’t hurt my Ashe,” stated Sir Dalton.

  “Well, I'm sure Zorlando will make sure her virtue is protected,” stated SueLeeta.

  “He’s like her own personal virginity defense squad,” I said with a chuckle. SueLeeta raised an eyebrow at me, so I continued, “She’s just as much a virgin today as she was when Zorlando began watching her.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it that way,” stated Sir Dalton consideringly. “I might have to tell him to be less protective of her virtue. After all, I only want to meet this stranger. My daughter’s personal life is her own!”

  “That’s very mature of you,” I said as SueLeeta looked down, biting her lower lip. Seriously, how much of a thing could she possibly have for big stupid guys? Then, the Knight took a bite of eggs. SueLeeta watched from the side, catching the full display as his powerful shoulders and back worked to bring that spoon up to his perfect jaw. She looked like the thirstiest sailor to ever make landfall.

  “Speaking of some quality alone time,” said SueLeeta, moving closer to Sir Dalton while giving me subtle shooing motions, “Do you have any time for me to help you work on your dating skills?”

  “Ah, for when I start to court Jarra the Healer,” said Sir Dalton carefully. “I have to be careful. My daughters are very concerned about my love life.”

  “One practice date certainly isn’t going to hurt anything,” responded SueLeeta. I got up to make myself scarce. As I left the room, I heard her say, “We could go on a walk through the park and maybe try out a new restaurant.”

  “Ah yes, that would be an excellent practice
date,” replied Sir Dalton. “I absolutely must tell you about what Fenris and I did on the training field yesterday. I’m very interested in hearing about your latest hunting trip, too. Did you find that boar you were tracking?” SueLeeta winked at me as I passed.

  “That man can’t be that stupid,” stated Badgelor, as we left the house.

  “No man should be able to be that stupid,” replied Shart. “Alas, they are humans. What are you gonna do?”

  Badgelor nodded sagely, and I just rolled my eyes and headed for the heart of the town. The first thing on the agenda today was swinging by the office. I needed to drop off the paper packet that SueLeeta had brought me.

  Mar and Blots both had desks in the back office of the Town Hall. Technically, Blots had his own office. However, despite the fact that both men seemed to actively dislike each other, Blots didn’t utilize his own space. He always seemed to be sitting in the main area with Mar.

  I thumbed through the packet before dropping it onto Mar’s desk. I was getting close to the Journeyman rank in Administration and every little bit helped.

  “Morning Mar,” I said. The clerk had been here for hours already, getting whatever done that needed to be done. Given that I was standing directly in front of his desk, I figured he would notice me eventually.

  “Good morning, Sir,” stated Blots, handing me a cup of WakeUpJuice. The beverage was Ordinal’s equivalent of coffee. The beverage was a lime green mixture of syrupy boldness that tasted like the inside of a mountain dew addict’s mouth. Blots had taken to his job as the town’s Merchant with gusto. He had already significantly improved the town's finances, even though he’d only been at the job for a few days. Now that he was completely familiar with all the products Windfall was making, it was much easier for him to sell them to Narwal.

  “Morning Blots. How’s Voan?” I asked, looking for any signs of bad health in my town merchant.

  “Quite good! She’s adjusting to life in our new place,” answered Blots. Their place was one of the townhouses next to mine. It wasn’t quite as nice, but it was more than sufficient for a single father and his adopted daughter. “We cleared out the old storefront, and I’ve turned it into a sitting room, like you suggested.”