Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  “New world, new Jim,” I repeated to myself, trying to restore my stoic reserve. I like to think I mostly succeeded.

  Of course, the fact that I hadn’t taken any Falling Damage didn’t mean I was completely fine.

  ● Jim: Level 3 Sorcerer

  ● HP: 122/700

  ● Stamina: 510/550

  ● Mana: 128/250

  Shart offered me a healing potion from. . .somewhere, and I took it. Between it and healroot, I’d be in good shape soon enough. My Overheal pool was empty, meaning that Badgelor had used it recently. Even with my heightened regeneration through the demonic bond, healing potions were where it was at.

  There were three stats that played into healing, Strength, Endurance and Spirit. Strength and Endurance governed how many Hit Points I would recover a period, and Spirit governed the length of that period. Presently, I should recover 10 Hit Points every four hours. However, I had a Demonic Bond ability that increased recovery by a factor of ten. That meant I recovered 1 Hit Point every two minutes, twenty-four seconds.

  I had several deep wounds on my body. The Shadow certainly hadn’t done me any favors. I was going to have a bunch of new scars after this.

  “Bottoms up,” I stated, drinking another minor healing potion. They recovered 100 Hit Points within a few seconds, enhanced by the user’s stats. I recovered 150 points per drink, and Shart had six of the things with him. We also had a supply of dried healroot, which would restore more Hit Points, but that was more of a quantity thing. I didn’t intend on drinking all of my healing potions here, especially not the more potent ones. Those I kept for actual combat injuries.

  “What does the gizmo look like?” I asked, remembering the Life artifact that Shart had swallowed some time back.

  “I think it will explode if I touch it,” replied the demon. “It's giving me indigestion right now.”

  “Are you going to fart a rainbow of Life energy?” I asked.

  “If this thing leaks out, it's going to force all my guts out of every single orifice I have,” replied Shart. “I’ll probably blow inside out.”

  “Shart bomb. Could be cool,” Badgelor hummed appreciatively, as he scuttled to and fro amongst the goblins’ remains. I wasn’t sure what information he might be gleaning, but he was very active and not actually eating. Maybe goblin guts have an expiration date.

  I paused to think about what Shart had just said. I didn’t normally consider Shart’s guts, but he did bleed. It reasoned that he had something making the blood and snark flow. Live and learn.

  “Could you survive like that?” I asked.

  “Possibly,” replied the demon, giving me an incredulous look. “It would be hell, though. All my precious organs on the outside? An extradimensional space being supported by my skin?” He shuddered.

  It was hard to imagine Shart being even uglier or stickier.

  “Wonder if he got down here the same way I did,” I pondered, pointing at the splattered remains of a decimated goblin.

  “You can never tell with goblins,” responded Shart. “Maybe he liked high diving.”

  “Loot,” I stated, sniffing around. My nose led me to another splattered goblin corpse. I felt through his mostly mangled form and found a pouch with several small orbs. A sniff at one told me it was the same green compound that made Shart go all weird.

  “I thought this stuff was in vials or something,” I said, realizing that I’d never actually seen one up close. I’d only ever seen them quickly thrown. I thought I remembered them being vaguely oblong, like a test tube or something. I realized now that they stretched somewhat, just not very well. I expected that when it hit the ground, it would tear and leak out the contents.

  “I don’t see why you would have thought that, other than the old standard. You are a Dum Dum. Goblins don’t really have much Glass Making ability,” replied the demon. I fingered the small leathery ball and tried not to think about what material it had been made of. It was an odd leather, stretchy but still kind of soft. I was trying to place where it came from. . .

  “Wolf scrotum,” stated Shart helpfully.

  “Thanks,” I grumbled, jamming the thing into my pouch.

  “They use every part but the growl,” grinned Shart.

  The goblin also had a few gold coins and plenty of silver, which I took. Finally, I pulled his sword out of the dirt.

  ● Man-Slayer Blade: Shortsword, Base Damage 1-6. Item class, uncommon. Durability 24/40, Damage 13-18, bonus effects

  ○ Bonus Damage, Human: Causes an additional +25% bonus when attacking humans.

  ○ Repress Healing: All Damage to humans caused by this weapon requires twice as long to heal. Magical healing is half as effective.

  ○ Lasting Damage: Wounds caused by this blade leave terrible scars on the opponents.

  “Crap.” I examined the blade for a long moment. The weapon was causing something unpleasant to stir in my gut. It felt evil. “Shart, how common are weapons like this?”

  “Bane weapons are challenging to make,” answered the demon, examining the craftsmanship. “They require a sacrifice, so the weapons are somewhat uncommon. Then again, the inhuman armies are seldom squeamish when it comes to sacrifice.”

  I summoned my sword back to my hand and placed the Man-Slayer weapon into my extradimensional space. Even with its expanded size, I still needed to clear out the sheath portion to get at the extra storage Shart had made available. Strapping my longsword to my side, I changed my magical pool back over to Sorcerer mode, feeling the catch where both kinds of magic were available to me. Wondering if the dual states of my magic lasted any longer than normal, I started running toward the wall. Leaping up as high as I could, I grabbed onto the surface.

  “What are you doing, Dum Dum?” asked Shart.

  “Climbing up the wall to the cavern,” I stated, as my first handhold crumbled, followed quickly by my second handhold. I struggled, throwing handfuls of rock below me, as I tried to find anything to grab a hold of. Finally, the entire cliff face sheared away, and I had to leap backward. I landed in a pool of blood left by the goblin. Promptly faceplanting, I skidded to a halt several paces away.

  Standing up and blowing several bits of gravel out of my left nostril, I tried to find a better wall. Three attempts later, I was sitting on the ground, again. Now, I was nursing a sprained ankle amid an expanded pile of debris.

  “I take it you shut up because, for some reason, you can’t climb these walls,” I stated.

  “Yup,” replied Shart. “They are magically enchanted. You’ll have to go through the dungeon.”

  “You can fly,” I suggested.

  Shart stared at me. “Hey, Dum Dum, look at me. Read my lips if you need to. I’m going to speak slowly and clearly. Maaaggggiiiiiiccccaaaallllllllyyyyy ennnnnchhhhaaaannnttted.”

  “Right. So, no flying, either.”

  “Correct,” Shart nodded.

  “Don’t look at me, either,” Badgelor stated.

  “You will have to go through the dungeon,” Shart reiterated.

  “I thought the dungeon was up there,” I gestured toward the inky blackness above us.

  “Oh, no, you fell through space and time to get down here. The space between the chamber above and the ground under your feet is quite distorted,” stated Shart. “It looks like this is an alternative path to the Dungeon Core.”

  “Shit,” I said, trying to mentally communicate with SueLeeta. I failed dismally. “Is it going to prevent me from talking to the party?”

  “Yup,” nodded Shart.

  I groaned. “How is anyone supposed to survive that fall anyway?”

  “Duh, there is normally a pool of water here. It’s dried up, though,” replied Shart.

  “And jumping from way up there into a pool of water,” I started, looking around until I spotted the marks where the water level had been, “That is about five logs deep? Is that enough to prevent anyone from taking Falling Damage?”

  “Yes,” stated the demon. “Why is this
so hard for you to grasp? Is falling into water from heights lethal on earth or something?”

  “No,” I signed, rolling my eyes to the point that they almost fell out of my head, “of course not. You can jump out of an airplane without a parachute as long as there is a deep enough puddle. Let's go through the alternative dungeon. It can’t be any worse than what’s going on up there.”

  “That’s the spirit, Dum Dum,” grinned Shart. “Just you and me, wandering through the deep dark places of Ordinal, fighting whatever comes our way.” Badgelor harrumphed.

  Looking over the edge of the empty pool, I could see the obvious makings of a cave entrance. At least, I guessed that was the entrance. My assumption was further supported by the fact that Badgelor was already walking in that direction.

  The door was just above where the level of water should have been, at the edge of a rough, black, sandy beach. The area looked like it had been made out of local pulverized stone. It was the only clear place at what would have been water level.

  “Great, the dungeon is broken,” I stated, looking around. I didn’t recall seeing any water above and there wasn’t any obvious water here.

  “Probably. The Mana flows around here seem weird,” stated Shart. “I think there is something very wrong going on in there.”

  “That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence,” I replied, looking into the darkness of the cavern. I briefly considered shifting back over to Mage Knight, but I was using the Sorcerer Mana network to see in the dark. Shrugging, I figured that my other three martial classes could carry the slack. At the very least, I’d be able to survive the extremely short time required to switch back.

  “I’m not trying to inspire confidence here,” stated Shart. “I’m trying to tell you important information that you should probably know, Dum Dum.”

  “What would that be?” I asked.

  “The Mana flows in the dungeon are wrong,” stated Shart. “There is a Source here. It is possibly somewhere very close, but most of the Mana is being diverted into something. That’s what’s causing the dungeon to stretch out. That’s what’s causing all the cracks we see forming.”

  “And the stone that lacks any strength?” I asked, picking up a small chunk of granite and crushing it into powder.

  “Be very careful when you go in there,” said Shart. “I don’t want to get banished to Limbo or anything.”

  “Got it! Don’t inconvenience you by letting you get killed,” I stated.

  “That’s the ticket,” replied Shart.

  “Hey, I don’t want to be killed, either,” said Badgelor. “I will not die before that traitor, Charles!”

  “Shart, do I need to be worried about my Mana network down here?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?” replied the demon.

  “Considering the disruptions to the natural Mana and how jury rigged my system is. . .” I trailed off.

  Shart stared at me for a moment. “Good point! You are brilliant! Oh, also, how in the seven hells should I know? Your entire spellcasting system is totally messed up and shouldn’t work at all. I had to mumbo jumbo it back together using a rather desperate amount of effort on my part. Let's just hope you don’t randomly pop when you are down here. That UnBound trait is more trouble than it’s worth.”

  That wasn’t comforting. My Unbound trait was where I picked up the overwhelming majority of my power. The fact that it was more limited than I sometimes gave it credit for was something. The problem seemed to be that the never considered mixing the classes into one package like this.

  “How is there even a trait that breaks the system so badly?” I asked.

  Shart was quiet for a long moment, seeming to consider deeply what he should say. “Umm, reasons.”

  “Ahhhhhh, yes, reasons,” nodded the badger sagely.

  “Reasons?” I questioned, turning my head to face the demon. Shart poofed off my shoulder and reappeared more than an arm’s reach away.

  “Well, you know, the Dark Overlord is returning, and we don’t have Grebthar sitting around waiting to defeat him. So, we. . .cheated?”

  “You cheated to give me Unbound?” I asked. “Oh, boy, this should be good. Please, explain.”

  “Look, there are signs everywhere that the Dark Overlord is either coming back to the world very soon or has already returned. Grebthar is nowhere to be found,” replied the demon. “We needed someone to fight the Dark Overlord and his minions, and my companion suggested that we dust off some of the old and kind of the .”

  “Did you anticipate the poor shmuck who got this talent would explode if he learned too many magical classes?” I asked, trying not to be angry. It was challenging.

  “Jim bomb, not so cool,’ Badgelor stated. “At least, not until Charles is dead.”

  Shart stared at Badgelor a moment before turning back to me. “Well, no, we didn’t anticipate anyone would get Unbound at all. It was a very low probability out of all the possibilities, but we were using loaded . I guess it was to be expected,” replied Shart quietly.

  “You used dice to assign me my trait,” I stated more than asked. “I guess that makes sense, as you guys were also stupid enough to not wipe my brain when you brought me here.”

  “Mistakes were made,” replied Shart, looking away. “The important thing is that you, Jim, are the Chosen one we brought here to fight the Dark Overlord. . .wherever he is.”

  “Really?” I asked. “I thought I wasn’t going to be able to handle the pressure. Isn’t that why you need to wipe me by way of making me go through your precious Demon Door?”

  “Mistakes were made,” repeated Shart. “Look, I’m not happy about it, either. I’d really like to find Grebthar and sic him on the Dark Overlord. You are a very suboptimal choice.”

  “What is the Dark Overlord?” I asked. “I’m really not understanding how I’m supposed to fight that.”

  “He’s a being that has been sent on an all-important mission to corrupt the world into a land of eternal darkness. He is about as powerful as a Godling,” stated Shart. “From your perspective, think Thor or evil Hercules.”

  “Comic Thor or Mythological Thor?” I replied darkly.

  “Does it matter?” Badgelor asked.

  Shart looked down. “Which one is tougher?”

  “Damn it, Shart,” I yelled. “What was going through your diseased little mind when you thought having me fight this Dark Overlord was going to work?”

  “We were out of options,” replied the demon defensively. “The last time Grebthar fought him, it was a cataclysmic battle for the fate of the world. Both of them died, or, at least, I thought they did. My partner was much more involved in the Grebthar than I was. Suddenly, somehow, Grebthar was gone, and we needed a replacement. You were going to be Grebthar version 2, all of the advantages and none of the attitude.”

  “None of the attitude? You sure fecked that up sideways,” said Badgelor.

  “Attitude?” I questioned, glaring at the demon. He turned from me and swore.

  “Yes,” grumbled Shart shortly. “Grebthar was not really happy with us for making him go through the trials before he fought the Dark Overlord. He wasn’t really happy about fighting the Dark Overlord, either, but he manned up. That’s the kind of guy he was, the Ultimate Hero. Whenever the fate of the world hung in the balance, Grebthar was there, saving the day.”

  “He sounds great,” I stated.

  “That’s why there is Grebthar Day across the world,” nodded Badgelor.

  “How long did Grebthar and the Dark Overlord fight?” I asked. “You are making it sound like quite a bit more than a one and done, like I thought. Was it years?”

  “Yes, they fought for years,” stated Shart. “Lots of years, centuries even. Each time Grebthar won, he banished the Dark Overlord for a bit longer than the last. Finally, that last fight, poof, no more Dark Overlord.”

  “Grebthar won?” I asked.

  “I. . .don’t know,” replied
Shart with a groan. “I wasn’t in charge of the program. My partner was. He monitored all the fights and led Grebthar around. He managed Grebthar, basically the same way I manage you. It was all in meat time, so it was super boring. Much like most of my time with you is super boring.”

  “Grebthar killed the Dark Overlord but died in the attempt?” I asked.

  “If I had to guess, based on the available evidence, I’m going to say, ‘kind of’,” responded Shart.

  “Kind of?” I screamed, as dust particles and small rocks fell from the cavern walls. Lowering my voice, I whisper shrieked, “What part of that sentence is a ‘kind of’ situation?”

  “Grebthar is dead, but he didn’t ultimately kill the Dark Overlord. He couldn’t have, because, as I said before, all signs point to the Dark Overlord returning.” Shart elaborated.

  “So did Grebthar,” I stated, “Right? Fifteen times? Isn’t that what you said, Shart? That’s why with the fake demon door and the symbolism nonsense.” I might have been becoming slightly hysterical.

  “Yes, but just the fifteen times. There has not been a sixteenth return. Thus, our problem,” confirmed Shart.

  “And I’m the solution?”

  “As unfortunate as it may be, yes,” responded the demon.

  “So, to be clear, this Dark Overlord is going to be around again soon to take over the world, and I, Jim the IT guy, need to battle him for centuries? Otherwise, the world is going to be destroyed? Then, even if I manage to beat him, he will just come back in the future?”

  “See, you get it,” replied Shart, nodding.

  “I fucking hate you!” I growled.

  Chapter 34: The Path to the Dungeon Core

  I flicked on Mana Control while spreading Mana around me before I glanced at the entrance to the alternative dungeon. Before, with the Dungeon Door at the castle, I had to work to see what was going on. Now, I could easily see the magical patterns and process them without difficulty. It was strange. Imagine a blue latticework of magical barbs in your vision, but it seems to integrate perfectly with everything else you are seeing.