I'm Pretty Sure You're Gonna Miss Me Ronin McKinsey

by M. J. Padgett

  By the time that was all said and done, my stomach growled. Lunch called my name, so we found ourselves eating anything and everything we could get our hands on as we walked through the rest of the zoo. It was pleasant, spending time with friends, sharing everything with them. My former friends wouldn’t let me steal so much as a potato chip from their plates. Rose tossed a chicken nugget to me before taking half my soft pretzel, but Dizzy simply sat with her hot dog, nibbling at it, deep in concentration.

  Daniel nudged her, gaining her attention. She looked at him with a fearful expression, one that I’d never seen on her face before, and it worried me. Dizzy wasn’t afraid of anything. She was the one who helped the people around her overcome fear, not the one who showed it.

  “What’s wrong?” Rose asked her best friend.

  “Um...” Dizzy put her hot dog down and wiped her fingers on her napkin, looking to Daniel again. He nodded encouragingly, but she continued to stare.

  “Just tell them, Diz. They’re going to understand, I promise,” he said.

  “I know. I want to, it’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be to talk about it,” she said. There was a secret the two shared, and I found myself a little jealous for absolutely no reason.

  “Just spit it out super-fast, and before you know it, we’ll be moving on to something else. They love you, no matter what. This doesn’t change anything.” Daniel put his own food down and turned in his seat to face her. “Go on, you can do it. You’ve needed to get this out, and now’s your chance. I promise you, you’re making a bigger deal of this than it is.”

  Dizzy inhaled and looked back to Rose and me. “I’m adopted, and I went to meet my birth mother last week, and I have three other siblings I never knew about, and I think I want to get to know them, so I might be spending the summer four hours away,” she spat in a super-fast run-on sentence like Daniel suggested.

  Rose looked at me, and I looked at her, both blinking a few times. Once we were sure we both heard correctly, Rose turned back to Dizzy and said, “And? Were you anxious about telling us that?”

  “You don’t think it’s weird?” Dizzy asked.

  “I have loads of questions, starting with how on earth did you discover you are adopted, but mostly I just want to support my best friend. You are my best friend, right?” Rose asked.

  “Of course. I just... I didn’t know how to talk about it. Your family has always been amazing, not like mine. And then I found out I was adopted and... I guess I’m just feeling all over the place right now,” Dizzy said.

  “Hey, I know it hasn’t been easy at home. I’m here, and if you need to talk, then you know I’ll listen,” Rose said. “I try not to bring things up unless you want to talk.”

  Dizzy exhaled slowly, the weight of her secret finally off her shoulders. I couldn’t imagine how she felt. Her home life had always been rough, the reason she spent most of her time at ours.

  “Hazel?” she asked. “Wh-what do you think?”

  I didn’t even hesitate. There were a lot of people in my life that confused me, but never Dizzy. “I think you are an amazing person, and if you want to form a bond with your biological family, then I think that’s wonderful. I’m here, too,” I said.

  She breathed another sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness. You have no idea how long I’ve been trying to get that out. Every time I tried to bring it up, I choked on the words. It seems a little silly now, but... I don’t know. I’m already feeling rejected by my adoptive family, and it’s weird to know I have this whole other family that wants to get to know me.”

  Rose smiled, then put up a finger. “I can understand that, but one question. How does Daniel find out before me, your best friend?”

  Dizzy glanced at Daniel with a little shrug. “I was afraid to talk about it, so I asked his advice.”

  “You told a total stranger before you told me?” Rose laughed.

  “What can I say? He’s super easy to talk to.” Dizzy joined Rose in her laughter, all the while I watched Daniel.

  Her statement could not have been more accurate. Daniel was perhaps the best person in the world to spill your guts to. He didn’t judge, well, not too much, at least. His advice was usually reliable, and he genuinely cared about the people in his life—demonstrated by his reaction to Sara’s bullying and Dizzy’s secret.

  I wished things were different. I wished I were somewhere close to his level of intelligence, not that I was stupid, but I would never measure up to the kind of people that would surround him at his internship. He would go on to his new life, find some super brainy genius woman he could have long, intelligent conversations with, and I, Hazel Simmons, would probably be left behind still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

  Friends, Hazel. A friend is all you can ever hope to be to Daniel Starnes.

  Chapter Eleven

  “LAUREN HART.”

  “She’s a sophomore, Peaches,” Daniel said, turning down the fifth name I came up with in an hour. He’d given me every excuse in the book. Too tall, too short, too loud, too quiet, and now—too young. I was starting to think he didn’t really want to go to prom since most of his responses were not accurate and delivered with a guilty smirk.

  “Daniel, I’m never going to find you a date to prom if you don’t give me something to work with,” I complained. I settled back and rested my head on old man bear, which was propped against Daniel’s lap. The associates at the bookstore had accepted that we were permanent fixtures, and if we bought coffee or some other item at least once, they didn’t care. Even the cranky old lady didn’t mind us anymore, but I was pretty sure that was thanks to my arranging books on the shelves, so she didn’t have to.

  “I don’t know,” he said, running his fingers through my hair. I was pretty sure he was getting cookie crumbs in it, too, but it felt too good to make him stop. He leaned against the bookcase munching on his giant sugar cookie.

  “If you don’t know, how can I know?” I asked. “Oh, maybe... No, never mind. She just started dating that Peter guy who kinda looks a little bit like you.”

  “Too bad, so sad.” Daniel finished off the cookie and wiped his hands on his pants. “Want to go back to my house and binge watch something?”

  “What’s wrong with sitting here talking?”

  “All you’re doing is shouting random names at me. How is that talking?” he asked. He sat forward and made me sit up.

  “Aww, I was comfortable,” I whined.

  “You’ll be more comfortable on my couch. Come on, Peaches. We’ll get some ice cream on the way.” He pulled me into a standing position against my will, waved to cranky old lady, and pushed me out the door.

  The little bell over the door at Fire and Ice dinged, but this time it didn’t make my heart crack. This time, all I wanted was ice cream. Unfortunately, so did Ronin, and he turned around to see who walked in just as we shut the door. Daniel ignored him entirely and walked up to the counter, ordering his favorite and mine without hesitation.

  I felt Ronin staring at me, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of acknowledging his existence. Instead, I slipped my hand into Daniel’s and shimmied a little closer. He shook his hand free and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, tucking me nicely against his chest instead. I didn’t realize how chilly it was in the shop until I was pressed against him, warm and snuggly. He handed me my ice cream and left a tip in the jar. We were almost out the door, ready to get on with our day... almost.

  “Hey, Hazel.” Ronin’s voice was strained, but loud enough that I couldn’t play off like I didn’t hear him. I turned around to find him standing right beside me.

  “Oh, hi,” I said. I let Daniel wrap both arms around my waist and pull me against his chest a little tighter. I’m not sure why we continued the charade since I was no longer trying to make Ronin jealous, but we did, and the look on Ronin’s face was priceless.

  “I tried to call you earlier, but I guess you were busy,” he said, choosing not to look at Daniel, p
robably to avoid the smirk I was sure was plastered on Daniel’s face.

  “Oh, yeah, Daniel and I were at the zoo with Rose and Dizzy. I left my phone at home because your girlfriend was blowing it up with hate mail,” I replied with a little too much sarcasm.

  “I told you, she’s not my girlfriend. Never was,” Ronin said.

  “Babe, I’m gonna go get the bike while you finish your ice cream, okay?” Daniel allowed me to handle things on my own, and I appreciated it immensely. It meant he had faith in me, he believed I could hold my own against my adversary and come out on top. And Ronin, he was the worst kind of adversary. The kind who pretended to love you then went and broke you into a million pieces—repeatedly.

  “Sure, I won’t be long,” I said.

  Daniel started to walk out but turned at the last second. For a moment, I thought maybe he’d changed his mind. Maybe he didn’t believe I could do it, but that wasn’t the case. He simply wanted to get his own jab in at my ex before walking out.

  He slid his hand around my waist and bent down, his lips landing gently on mine. I hadn’t expected it, so I was a little stiff, but soon melted the way I always did when Daniel kissed me. If that was how it felt to kiss him when no feelings were involved, I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like if he liked me as more than a friend. Ronin cleared his throat, a clear signal he was uncomfortable, but I ignored him.

  Once Daniel decided he’d made his point, he handed me his helmet. “I need to buy another helmet since this is a permanent thing, you and me.” He looked back at Ronin, who was thoroughly disgusted. “Nice seeing you again, Roger.”

  “Ronin,” I corrected.

  “Are you sure? I thought it was Roger. Oh well. Nice seeing you, Robert!”

  I took the helmet and smiled at Daniel before urging him to go. He took one last look before heading down the block to get the bike, a wide smirk on his face. He was pleased with himself, and it made me smile.

  “Are you actually dating him?” Ronin asked.

  “Is it any of your business what I do?” I asked. “You broke up with me, which means I get to do what I want without worrying about what you think.” I started to walk away, not at all in the mood to let him ruin my day.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry, Hazel. This is all new territory, okay?” he pleaded.

  “It’s what you wanted, Ronin. And I think you were right. I think we should stop speaking to each other. You’ve already got Sara after me, so please, let’s not make this any worse than it already is,” I said.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. I was—”

  “Ronin, please. You keep saying stupid things to me, then you turn around and say you shouldn’t have. That excuse is old, it’s tired, and I’m over it,” I interrupted.

  “We were friends for a long time, Hazel, and now you’re just gone. It’s a little strange and... I know I screwed up, okay?” His loud voice got us some unwanted attention, so he urged me to go outside. I pushed open the front door and huffed out, annoyed he wouldn’t just go away. Once we were out of the view of nosey ice cream patrons, he continued. “We had a great thing for a long time, and maybe if I had been honest with you, it wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand. I’m sorry about that, I really am. I miss you so much.”

  “Gotten out of hand? What, Ronin? Me, or your inability to communicate your feelings appropriately?” I snapped.

  “I... The things...You know, if I’d told you earlier how they embarrassed me, then maybe you would have stopped. You have to admit, some of the things you did were crazy,” he argued.

  “Maybe so, but you didn’t have to react the way you did. Furthermore, some people like the way I am and wouldn’t change a thing about me,” I said, remembering what Daniel had told me days earlier.

  “I doubt there is anyone on the planet that would appreciate being embarrassed by their girlfriend that many times and on that grand a scale, Hazel, not even Mr. Perfect.” Ronin was frustrated, and I knew if I didn’t get away from him, words would pass between the two of us we would both wish we hadn’t said.

  Mr. Perfect had perfect timing and came to a stop along the sidewalk beside us. Ronin glared at him, as if somehow Daniel was the reason his life was spiraling out of control, then he scoffed at the bike.

  “Is there something you want to say?” Daniel asked.

  “Nope, just wondering how you can afford such an expensive bike,” Ronin said with a judgmental tone.

  “I sell crack downtown five nights a week. Ready, Peaches?”

  Ronin’s jaw dropped. He knew it wasn’t true, but he hated that he couldn’t get to Daniel through jabs and insults. I slipped on the helmet and got on the back, wrapped my arms tight around his waist, and shimmied closer. We were off, leaving Ronin behind to figure out life on his own.

  It is impossible to carry a conversation when one is holding on for dear life, the wind whistling in your ears as you fly down the interstate, so when we finally made it back to Daniel’s house, I had a whole load of things I wanted to say—beginning with an apology.

  “I’m sorry you keep getting dragged into my drama, and I have yet to find you a date to prom for your trouble,” I said as I placed the helmet on the kitchen table. He ran his hands through his hair, a sad attempt at taming the wind-blown locks. “I need to get my own helmet. It’s not safe for you to ride without one.”

  “I already ordered one, Peaches. It’ll be here in a few days, no worries.” He opened the fridge and tossed me a bottle of apple juice. “Snacks?”

  “I’m stuffed, thanks.”

  He grabbed himself a bag of pretzels, and we headed toward the living room to choose a show to binge-watch for what little of the day was left. The light was already beginning to fade, casting long shadows on the living room floor.

  “How do you afford the bike, though? You have some high paying job I don't know about?” I joked but really was curious.

  He laughed. “My grandparents bought it for me. They feel bad that they raised a horrible son who ran out on his family, so they buy my love with motorcycles and trust funds. They even bought my mom her car—both of them.”

  “So, no crack then?” I asked, making him laugh even harder.

  “Sorry to disappoint, Peaches, but no, no crack. Ronin is a jerk, by the way. A stupid jerk. He’s used to getting his way, isn’t he?” he asked.

  “Yeah, basically. Sorry, again, it’s not fair you keep—”

  “Want to go to prom with me?” he blurted, standing in front of me with a remote control in one hand, pretzels in the other, and a blank stare.

  “Um...” Yes, my head screamed, yes! But my mouth wouldn’t let me say the word since it wasn’t entirely sure of the reason he asked me to go.

  He noted my hesitation and backpedaled a little. “I was just thinking, there’s really no one at school I like enough to ask, and since you’re not going with Ronin... Okay, it was a stupid idea. Never mind.”

  “No!” I shouted and grabbed his arm. I took a breath and reigned myself in before I behaved like a total desperate nutcase. “I mean, no, it’s fine. I’d like to go with you... as friends, right?”

  “Yeah, as friends. Takes the pressure off, right?”

  “Yeah, right. No pressure, just friends.”

  “So, two friends going to prom together. It could be fun, yeah?” he asked with a nervous glance at the television before looking back at me. Was he trying to convince himself or me? I’d already said yes, but I was beginning to think he wanted me to say no.

  “Sure? I mean, we have a lot of fun together. Besides, I think everyone probably expects us to go together anyway, since...” Way to go, Hazel. I had to go and rub it in that he basically had to go to prom with me since everyone already thought we were dating. That, or stage a break-up.

  “Yeah, I mean, I thought that too. People think we’re dating, so it would throw off the whole plan if we went with other people, right?” he asked, only making me feel worse.

  My shoulders slumped, and I s
ighed. I really wanted to go with him, but not like that. I didn’t want to force him to go with me for a stupid plan.

  “I’m sorry, Daniel. We can stage a break-up if you’d rather go with someone else,” I said, but deep down, I prayed he truly wanted to go with me.

  “Is that what you want?” He stood stock-still, that silly blinking remote still in one hand and bag of pretzels in the other. The last rays of sunlight shone through the curtains and toyed with his russet locks, making them appear a deeper shade of red. The hazel eyes staring back at me were deep gold, the color of honey, yet with the slightest tinge of green—an odd thing to notice from so far away. And that’s when I realized I’d somehow migrated closer to him, practically on top of the poor guy. He would have to physically move me to sit on his sofa.

  He had me so turned around I didn’t even have control over my own body anymore.

  “I um... I don’t know. I mean, is it what you want to do?” I asked.

  He studied me for a moment, his gold and moss-colored eyes doing their best to read me. “I want you to be happy. I want you to have a good time at prom, and I think maybe I can help you with both.”

  “Both?” I whispered, suddenly feeling a little claustrophobic with his eyes boring down on me the way they were.

  “I think if we went to prom together, I could make you happy and we’d have a good time. As friends, I mean,” he added as an afterthought.

  I nodded. “Okay. I think so, too.”

  “So, it’s a date then? A friends date?” he asked.

  “Mmm-hmm, a friends date. I’ve already got a dress and everything,” I said, trying to lighten the heaviness I felt in my chest every time I heard that awful word—friend.

  “I’m sure you could wear a paper bag and look beautiful, Peaches.” He dropped the pretzels on the table and stepped back, probably just as uncomfortable as I was with our closeness. I had no idea what happened, but it left me feeling confused and emotionally overwhelmed.