I'm Pretty Sure You're Gonna Miss Me Ronin McKinsey

by M. J. Padgett

  He lay in a lump on the ground, his face bloody, and his eyes closed. I heard sirens in the distance, but my brain shut them out. I saw the lights flashing and people running around, but my mind blocked them as well. A paramedic spoke to me, but I didn’t hear the words she said. All I saw was Daniel’s limp body placed on a stretcher, then hoisted into the back of an ambulance.

  The doors slammed, and the ambulance took off, then it all came to me in a rush. The sirens, the flashing lights, the sounds of the driver crying, the paramedic trying to gain my attention—everything came rushing into my brain and crashed into an explosion of noise that was nearly deafening.

  “Daniel!” I screamed and ran after the ambulance.

  I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. I whirled around to find a police officer doing his best to keep me from running down the street like a madwoman. “Miss, I’m sorry. I need your help. I need to call his parents. We need a number if you have one.”

  “Uh... um... S-sure...” I gave them the number to his mother’s cell phone, the one she insisted I use if I ever needed anything. “I... Can I go now?” I was dazed, confused, but needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

  “Is there someone you can call to take you? I won’t let you drive in this state,” the officer insisted. I wondered why he was so mean, but I accepted he wouldn’t let me leave alone. I decided to call my mother, which meant I was in for the punishment of a lifetime—as if Daniel getting hit by a car wasn’t the worst punishment in the world. Dad was at work, and it gave me a slight peace of mind to know my father would take care of Daniel—but not much.

  My mother answered after three rings, her voice groggy. “Hazel? Where are you?”

  “Mom, I need your help,” I sobbed into the phone. “It’s Daniel, he’s in the hospital, and—”

  “I’m on my way. Where are you?” She was wide awake now, and I heard shuffling in the background.

  “His house. Hurry, mom,” I continued to cry, praying he wasn’t dead. It was all my fault. If I’d just listened to him, he’d be okay. If I had only talked things out with him, then he wouldn’t be on his way to the hospital.

  When she arrived, she didn’t lecture or yell at me, she only drove as quickly as she could to the hospital without breaking any laws. There would be time for grounding and yelling later; for now, she was just as concerned as I was.

  Dad met us at the door, stopping me before I went nuts, searching every room for him. “Honey, he’s going to be fine. Calm down.”

  “I want to see him!” I yelled. “Daniel!”

  My father gripped my arms tightly and held me still. “Young lady, you’re in enough trouble as it is. Do not make it worse by disobeying hospital rules,” he said firmly. “Calm yourself, and I’ll take you to see him. After that... I don’t even know how much trouble you’ll be in, but I promise you, it’ll be college before you see another face besides your mother’s and mine.”

  “Did you get his mother, dear?” my mother asked, easing the edge on my father’s anger.

  “I did. She’s on her way back, but it’s going to be at least six hours,” Dad replied. “I’m not concerned, though. I’m not allowed to divulge his injuries, I can say, it could have been much worse,” he said, giving me a disapproving glare.

  “Can I go in now, please?” I asked in a much more controlled manner. I didn’t care if I was grounded until I was forty; I just needed to know Daniel was okay.

  “Yes, room four, but only a few minutes,” Dad said, pointing down the hall.

  I knocked on the glass door, gaining Daniel’s attention. He turned his head to face me, but when he saw it was me, he turned back the other way. No smile, no smart remark... nothing. I couldn’t shake the feeling that even though he was sitting right there, I’d killed my best friend—on the inside, at least.

  “Daniel?” I entered the room and closed the door behind me. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like I got hit by a car, Hazel. How do you think?” he snapped.

  “I’m sorry, Daniel, I didn’t mean for—”

  “You never do, do you? You never mean for things to go wrong, but they do, and now I’m stuck in a hospital bed after getting hit by a freaking car, Hazel!” he shouted.

  “It was an accident. How was I supposed to know this was going to happen?” I asked, wringing my hands.

  “It was a street! How do you not know cars drive in the street?” he asked, his good arm flailing. The other was wrapped in a soft cast.

  “That’s not fair. You know what I meant, Daniel. I’m not stupid,” I defended.

  “I know you’re not stupid, Hazel. I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now. Please leave,” he snapped. Hazel. No Peaches. Of all the things I did to Ronin, at least I never got him hit by a car. Why didn’t I just let it go? Why did I have to make a big deal out of his confession? It’s not like he intentionally hurt me for fun. The point was, he loved me. Maybe he did some idiotic things to get my attention, but in the end, it was obvious Daniel was a good person who made a mistake—something I had done a thousand times.

  “Why?” I asked, more to myself than him, but he responded anyway.

  “I need some space, please. I need space because I told you I loved you, and all you could see was the mistake I made. You ran away instead of talking to me, and I swear, Hazel, I’ve never felt more rejected in my life, so please just go.”

  “But Daniel, I—”

  “Hazel, please leave,” he said, exhausted.

  I backed up right into the door, forgetting I’d closed it. My back ached from the fall, but I couldn’t stop staring at the boy in the bed—the one who refused to look at me. I saw my reflection in the mirror over the sink. My face was scratched and bloody from the thorns on the rose bushes, and I’d forgotten my hair was shorter. It all came crashing down, everything that had gone wrong from the very beginning with the balloons, and I ran from the room crying.

  DAYS PASSED WITH NO word from Daniel. He was recovering at home, but that was all my father would tell me. It was all he could legally tell me, but it wasn’t enough. The days without him were bleak, and though everyone tried, no one could get through my hardened exterior. I missed three cheer practices, failed my calculus test, and avoided my sister and friends like the plague.

  Rose tried to get me to talk, but I locked her out of my room every day after school, and I didn’t come out until morning. I fought the urge to text Daniel a million times. He wanted space, and I knew suffocating him with messages was not the answer. Dizzy cracked jokes on the way to school, all for my benefit, but nothing got through. I was a zombie, going through the motions until Tee took matters into his own hands. What he did probably wouldn’t make a lot of sense to most people, but it turned out to be the best way to deal with my retreat into misery. Tee chose the nuclear option. He sent Ronin.

  “I figured I’d find you here,” Ronin’s deep voice cut through my self-induced catatonic state, slumped over a book, hiding under the bleachers on the soccer field.

  “What do you want?” I spat, not quite in the mood to deal with him.

  “Just to talk, that’s all,” he said, sitting on the ground beside me.

  “Well, this isn’t awkward at all.” I sighed.

  “It doesn’t have to be, Hazel. It’s just two people who have known each other for a long time, having a conversation.”

  “You ruined my self-esteem and humiliated me in front of the entire school. Why would I want to talk to you?” I spat again, not even recognizing the person I’d become in only a few days without Daniel in my life.

  “I’m sorry about how that all happened, Hazel. I really am. I love how supportive and caring you are and how you always cheered loudest when I was on the field. I love how you helped me with schoolwork and anything else I needed. You were great as a girlfriend, but...” he hesitated, taking in the evil glare focused on him. Even so, he chose to continue.

  “But... sometimes you’d go overboard, at least in my opin
ion, and those were the things I couldn’t handle. I’m a private person, and you, well, you’re a thundering herd of horses in a china shop—beautiful and awe-inspiring, but not exactly quiet. I was wrong to hurt you the way I did. I should have broken up with you in private and explained things better. I hope you believe me when I say, I really regret the way everything happened.”

  I sighed, admitting that he wasn’t all wrong, at least not from his own perspective. “It’s not like you’re the first person to tell me that. I messed up, too. I know that, but I don’t know how to be any other way.”

  “You shouldn’t have to change for anyone, Hazel. I’m sorry I made you feel like it was all you. It wasn’t. It was mostly me because I should have known when we got together it might end this way. You were just... impossible to ignore. You’re something else, and I thought I would be okay with that, that I could handle the things you do, but I’m not that guy. None of that matters though because Daniel loves you just how you are,” he said.

  “How do you know he loves me?” I asked.

  “I’m pretty sure him threatening to smash my face in if I hurt you again would be a good clue for anyone,” he said, chuckling.

  “He did that?”

  “Yeah, for you. You are the best, Hazel. I miss you like crazy, but I know I’m not right for you. And if you smack me with one of those Sara comments right now, I’ll scream. Honestly, I never liked her when we were dating either. It’s like she got some sick enjoyment out of seeing you fail.”

  “She is a horrible person. She’s the reason I have this fabulous new haircut.” I said.

  “Well, you still look gorgeous with short hair, so it’s not a big deal.” He laughed and said, “In all seriousness, Hazel, I know you were trying to make me jealous, and it worked. Just because I don’t want to date you anymore doesn’t mean all the good memories just go away. It doesn’t mean I don’t hate seeing you with someone else, but in the long run, it’s the right thing. He loves you just the way you are. That’s something I can’t do, Hazel. I want to, but we aren’t compatible, and I’ll always want you to change things about yourself that are core to who you are. That’s not fair to you, and that’s why I really broke up with you. I’d really like to be your friend because you’re perfect for me in that way, but Daniel—he’s the one who deserves your love. I never did.”

  “I do love him,” I admitted. “I love him so much, but I screwed it up.”

  “I doubt you screwed it up beyond repair, Hazel. Those feelings don’t just disappear overnight, so tell him.”

  “I don’t know how to fix it, Ronin. I got him hit by a car, you realize that, right?”

  “I’m suddenly grateful I only fell in ice cream cake,” he joked.

  “I’m serious, Ronin. I can’t fix this,” I said.

  “Sure you can, Hazel.” He stood and took my hand, pulling me to my feet. “You go do what you do best. Go big or go home.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “OF ALL PEOPLE, YOU’RE the last one I’d expect to help me with this,” I said, scrolling through the options on the website.

  “I still care about you, and I want you to be happy, Hazel. You know, there were about a dozen times I almost broke down and begged you to take me back,” Ronin said, looking over my shoulder. “Here, that’s it. That’s the one I was telling you about.”

  I clicked on the link, and the page loaded. “Why didn’t you? Out of curiosity, I mean.”

  “What? And try to compete with Casanova himself?” Ronin teased.

  “I wouldn’t call Daniel Casanova,” I chuckled and looked over the choices. “This package looks good. I can print the map now and just give him the official one when it comes in.”

  “Yeah, I think that will work. He’ll get the point,” Ronin said, checking the printer for paper. “As far as calling him Casanova, all I’ll say is from the outside looking at the two of you, it was pretty obvious there’s crazy chemistry there. You never looked like that after I kissed you.”

  His tone was a little saddened. “I’m sorry, Ronin. It’s not like—”

  “No, no, no, Hazel. I don’t want you to be sorry. I meant what I said; I don’t think we’re a good match as more than friends. It’s just an adjustment, you know?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I do, and I’m glad we can talk now. I’d miss you a lot if we couldn’t at least be friends.”

  I glanced around Ronin’s bedroom, a place I used to spend a lot of time. It didn’t feel quite as comfortable any longer, and my interaction with Ronin didn’t give me the flutters it once did. It felt like we were just friends like it did way back at the beginning. He pulled the sheet from the printer and handed it to me. I rolled it up and tucked it into my purse, ready for phase two.

  “Are you sure you’re up for helping with this part?” I asked, not wanting to rub salt in the wound.

  “Absolutely. The others will meet us there,” Ronin said. “Come on, let’s go fix this mess.” He wrapped his arm over my shoulders and squeezed, his bright blue eyes happy again. I hadn’t seen them that way since before the balloon fiasco.

  He drove us to the beach where my sister, Tee, and Dizzy waited. Tee agreed to let me borrow his telescope, and since I had no idea how to work it, he also decided to find the particular star I wanted. The telescope was much larger than I’d anticipated. I sure hoped Daniel would forgive me because lugging that thing back to my car by myself would be misery.

  Rose brought the food and picnic supplies I’d requested. Somehow Dizzy managed to find an exact replica of old man bear from the bookstore—that, or she swiped him from his chair at the store, thereby freeing him from the monotony of Curious George.

  Rose handed me a giant stick. “Here, I think you should do the honors yourself.”

  I took the stick and searched the shoreline for the best place—somewhere the wind wouldn’t destroy my work, and the water wouldn’t erase it. I found a small alcove, a secluded little spot behind a small outcropping of rocks.

  “That’s a perfect spot,” Rose said, then she and Dizzy set up the supplies. The sun was setting, so we had to work fast. Tee finished setting up the telescope while I wrote the last bit of my message in the sand. Ironically, neither Rose nor Dizzy questioned Ronin’s presence, both accepting that we had managed to settle our issues once and for all. Ronin was a big help, and his admission that we simply weren’t right for each other was spot-on even if it did hurt a little. He’d given me something—closure. Little did Ronin know I had a surprise in store for him, too.

  “When does it start?” Tee asked.

  I checked my phone. “About an hour until the eclipse begins, so we’ve got a little time left,” I said.

  “I don’t think so.” Tee pointed up the shore toward a towering boy wandering alone on the beach.

  “Poo,” Dizzy said. “You go talk to him, and we’ll finish here.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “Go!” they all shouted at once as they scrambled to set up the candles and arrange blankets and pillows.

  I did as told and climbed over the rocks that blocked my surprise from view. It was dark now, but the eclipse hadn’t started, so the moon was bright enough to illuminate the shore. I knew it was Daniel without even seeing his face. I knew it from the way he stood, the way he walked, the way he brushed his fingers through his hair.

  “Fancy meeting you here,” I said as I walked up to him. My heart thudded so hard I thought it might explode out my chest like one of those cartoon characters in love.

  “Hazel, what are you doing here?” Daniel asked. I flinched when I saw his arm. The cast was a sad reminder of what tore us apart before we even got started.

  “Please don’t call me that,” I begged, choking back tears that would ruin what I had planned.

  “It is your name. You said so yourself,” he said. He wasn’t the snappy Daniel from the hospital, not cold or aloof, but distant enough that it broke my heart. Debating my name was not worth the time, not when I had s
o many other things that needed to be said.

  “Can we talk? We have time, like forty-five minutes before the penumbral starts,” I asked.

  “The penumbral? Someone’s been studying her astronomy. I mean, it’s not exactly right, but... it’s a nice effort,” he said, a lighter tone that gave me hope.

  “Oh, I thought... I looked it all up after you asked me to watch it with you, but I won’t lie. I didn’t understand half of it. I guess I didn’t want to look stupid in front of you, which is basically impossible since, you know...” I waved my hand, indicating I knew I’d never reach his level of intelligence, not by a longshot.

  “Please don’t do that. You’re so smart, Hazel, and if I only hung out with people as smart as me, I’d be bored to tears. Besides, I wasn’t too smart when it came to you, was I?” He sat down, patting the sand beside him. I sat cautiously, too afraid to hope it could be this easy.

  “I’m sorry I got so upset. I was shocked and hurt that you lied to me, but I should have given you a chance to argue your side,” I admitted. “I should have just heard you out.”

  “I should have told you the truth from the beginning, the real beginning, and maybe things would be different now. Maybe we’d be together, but now...” he trailed, staring out over the crashing waves. “I’m not mad anymore, so maybe we can fix our friendship somehow? I mean, if that’s why you’re here. I’d like that. I miss bantering with you.”

  “I’m not here to fix our friendship, Daniel,” I started.

  “Oh, I just assumed that’s why you came. I guess it would be a little weird for us to hang out after I confessed that I love you,” he said, still refusing to look at me. If he did, maybe he’d see the answer to his question instead of doubting my feelings.

  “Will you walk with me for a minute? I just want to show you something real quick, only take a minute,” I said. He glanced at me, but it was too dark to see his eyes, leaving me with very little to gauge his emotions.