Holding Out for You

by Anna Paige

  Ash answered immediately, barely looking up, cool as a cucumber even as he continued typing. “Just playing a game of pool. And talking shit between shots.”

  “Don’t antagonize him, Blair-bear. He’s really good,” my brother cautioned, but he seemed relieved that we were enjoying ourselves.

  Ash grinned over at me. “She’s learning that even as we speak.”

  I looked down as my phone lit up in my hand.

  Ash: You’re blushing, Blair-bear. Feeling like we just got caught doing something naughty?

  Me: Are you actually flirting with me while my brother is ten feet away? Or did you tell the truth, sort of, and this is all a game to you?

  Ash: Sweetheart, I’m not playing. Not even a little.

  Shit. I was already blushing, but something about the look he gave me after I read that had my face flaming and those flutters in my chest heading someplace decidedly south of where they started.

  I never would have thought it possible after the night I’d had, but it was a welcome sensation.

  Mostly.

  Much as I loved feeling normal again and craved more, I had to shut this down before it went too far or before Beck started to think something was up.

  Me: Enough texting. We’ll talk later.

  Ash: Can’t. Wait.

  He licked his lips when I glanced up at him next and suddenly, I was very aware of the fact that as we typed, we’d both inched our way closer to each other.

  He tapped my knee with his foot, pretending to watch the movie as he tracked me with his peripheral vision. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Despite our playful text exchange, I was still a little hurt that he looked so horrified at what he’d inadvertently said during the fight.

  Why could I remember that so clearly but still be fuzzy on what we’d talked about earlier?

  He had better tell me what was said.

  Unless of course I said something stupid or embarrassing, which was a strong possibility given how much I’d had to drink.

  I wanted to cringe at the thought, but I knew he was watching me. I could feel the heat of his stare even as I fake laughed along with Beck and Charli, who were completely engrossed in the movie.

  His hand was suddenly in the popcorn bowl in my lap and the idea of his fingers so close to . . . things . . . made my heart race.

  It also gave me an unwelcome jolt of anxiety for a moment, but I refused to give in to it. It was just Ash, and Ash made me feel safe.

  Everything would be fine if I just kept focusing on that.

  After the movie, Beck stretched and yawned but waited for the rest of us to decide if it was time to turn in. Charli seemed in better spirits—probably from spending so much time with my brother—so it was a relief when she followed with a yawn of her own and asked if I was ready to turn in.

  I told her I was getting tired too, a whopper of a lie, and together she and I headed to the kitchen to clean up our dishes and discard the remaining popcorn.

  With the dishwasher loaded and the counters cleared, Charli headed to the far end of the kitchen where there was a door that cut through to the hall. She was obviously one hundred percent done with tonight, since she didn’t even bother to see if I was behind her. Poor thing.

  I was still drying my hands on a dish towel and checking that all the food stuff was put away when Beck and Ash walked in.

  “Charli already headed to bed?” Beck looked at the hall door as he asked.

  “Yeah. From the way she was swaying on her feet and yawning every five seconds, she’ll be out by the time her head hits the pillow.”

  He nodded, coming over to give me a super tight—and super painful—big brother hug. “How about you? You tired too?”

  I looked over Beck’s shoulder and caught Ash watching me in that belly-fluttering way again.

  “Yeah. It’s been a long, eventful night.”

  He squeezed me one more time before letting go. “That it has.” He looked over his shoulder at Ash. “Just let me get my charger out of there and the room’s all yours.”

  “Huh?” I asked, wondering what he was talking about.

  His hand came to rest on my shoulder for a second as he passed. “I’m giving Ash my room and crashing in Mom and Dad’s bed tonight. That way no one has to sleep on one of those couches. They are not comfortable to sleep on. Stupid rails that run between cushions will herniate a damn disk.” He disappeared out the hall door. “Night, Blair-bear. I’m right across the hall if you need me. Love you.”

  “Good night. Love you too,” I called, smiling after him.

  “You do know you’re his favorite person on the planet, right?” Ash commented, and I turned to find him watching the hall door as well.

  “I don’t know if I’d say that, but I like to think he and I have a special bond.”

  He chuckled softly, nodding. “You underestimate your importance in his life. But that’s probably part of why he loves you so much, because you’re one of those people who can be adored without letting it go to your head.”

  There was something about the way he said it that made me blush.

  “Hell, Blair, you could be adored and never even notice.” He drained the last of his water—he’d only had one beer since we got back from the beach—and dropped the empty bottle in the recycling bin as he stepped by me and whispered, “Don’t fall asleep. Text me when you get back to the living room. I’ll be waiting.”

  His hand brushed my arm as he passed, and my mouth was suddenly arid desert dry.

  There was no damn way I was falling asleep now.

  No. Damn. Way.

  Blair

  Just like I’d predicted, Charli was out cold when I got to the bedroom. Huddled under the covers on the far side of the bed, the side she always slept on when we were kids, she seemed so small and fragile. I hated that she was blaming herself, that she would continue to do so no matter what any of us said.

  But Ash and Beck were right. We had to stop taking on the weight of something that wasn’t ours to carry.

  I left the plug-in nightlight burning—it was one of those scent disk ones that made the room smell nice—because I knew Charli had been the one to turn it on. It hadn’t been on earlier when I got out of the shower. If she needed it, she’d have it. No big deal.

  Propping myself on a couple of pillows, I folded the covers down, gathered Ash’s hoodie to my chest, and let my hands rest in my lap, wringing them over and over as I wondered just how long I was supposed to wait before I got up again. Beck was a deep sleeper. I knew this from when we were both in school and I practically had to drag him out of his bed like a stump every morning, but I didn’t know how long it would take for him to get to sleep in the first place. Especially tonight when I knew there was so much going on in his head. In all of ours.

  Charli being asleep didn’t mean she was less shaken, it meant she was retreating, hiding, which was typical Charli behavior. Tomorrow, she and I would have a long talk and figure out what it was going to take for her to be okay—for all of us to be okay.

  Tonight, though, I was letting her sleep.

  And not just because I wanted to get back to Ash.

  Because she needed the space to react however she wanted, just like Ash had, like I would when I was ready, like Beck probably was right this second, lying in bed and carving out a little bit of misplaced blame for himself.

  For nearly an hour, I lay there and tried to piece together what was said on the beach. It was better than thinking about what happened after, because if I did that, I’d be opening the door to something I was determined to keep under lock and key.

  So, I kept my focus elsewhere, and I was fairly confident I’d made progress in recalling what was said in my conversation with Ash. Of course, I would need Ash to confirm it.

  But would he?

  He’d been drinking at the time and so had I. Maybe he hadn’t meant what he said. He could have been flirting with me to distract me from the humiliation of having flashe
d my tits to the entire crowd.

  Okay, it was my bra, but still.

  Charli was right.

  My nipples had been clearly visible through the lace.

  Now that bra’s in an evidence bag and my nipples, along with half a dozen other areas on my breasts, are purple.

  Nope, not thinking about that now.

  Because flashing a couple dozen people was not the worst thing that happened tonight, not by a long shot.

  I snorted softly, shaking my head at the truth of it.

  God, this night had been complete shit on so many levels it was ridiculous.

  The possibility that Ash had only said what he did on the beach to distract me . . . that added a whole new layer of suck to the equation.

  Glancing at the clock one more time, I gathered my courage and carefully slipped out of bed, mindful of Charli’s even breathing in case she was awakened by the motion.

  She slumbered on without so much as a hiccup.

  I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and was halfway to the door when I realized I was still clutching Ash’s hoodie.

  After a moment of indecision, I slid it over my head and continued out the door.

  I got to the living room and lifted my phone to send him a text when I heard a whisper from the kitchen.

  “In here.”

  I stepped through the wide archway between the kitchen and dining room to find Ash sitting at the tiny bistro table by the window, his phone in his hand.

  “Couldn’t wait for my text?” I asked, taking the seat across from him.

  He kept his eyes on his phone as he twirled it between his fingers. “Nah, my mom called.”

  I looked at the clock, eyes widening. “At four-thirty in the morning?”

  “It was more like three-thirty. Basically, as soon as I walked into Beck’s room my phone started vibrating in my pocket. She’d just gotten home from book club and someone had left a voicemail that freaked her out.”

  “Book club ended at three in the morning?”

  He snorted. “It’s less of an actual book club and more of a wine and therapy session for her and her friends. She does take a book with her, but she also takes at least two bottles of red, too. Whatever you call it, it seems to help, you know, since she and Phil split.”

  “She’s taking it bad, huh?”

  “Some days. Other days she’s like her old self. I don’t know how she deals with any of it. First Dad split on us, now this. I just wish I could help somehow. Make them work it through or call it quits or whatever they’re gonna do instead of staying in limbo like this. It’s killing her and it kills me to see her upset.”

  “You mentioned a message that upset her. Was it Phil?”

  He sat back and scrubbed a hand over his face, looking suddenly tired. “No, it was about what happened at the beach. Apparently, word has already started spreading that we narrowly averted mass casualties, and I was some kind of hero who threw myself in the gunman’s path and took him down. Needless to say, my mom was scared shitless, and I had to spend half an hour trying to calm her down. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first, but she was flipping out, so I told her the real story. Of course, giving her the actual account of what happened didn’t do anything to make her less mad at me for”—he used air quotes—“‘trying to get myself killed.’”

  “It’s fine that you told her. I know she won’t spread it around. And she’s angry because she’s scared. You’re her child, Ash. Imagine what hearing that must have done to her. I’m still not prepared to even contemplate my mom’s reaction, which will no doubt make your mom’s seem downright tame.” I patted his hand. “You’re a hero. She’s gonna realize that when she calms down. She won’t be mad forever.”

  “I wouldn’t bet on that, Blair. If it hadn’t been for the fact I told her I was staying here to take care of you after what happened, she probably would have demanded I come home so she could put her good bedroom slipper up my reckless ass.” He pursed his lips. “That’s a direct quote, by the way.”

  “Wow, she must be mad. She loves those slippers. To sacrifice one that way . . .” I trailed off and shook my head, fighting a smile.

  His low chuckle was exactly what I wanted to hear. “Thanks. I needed that.”

  I caught his eye and held it. “Thank you for being here to watch over me. I know Beck should have been enough, but after what happened, I needed you close.”

  “You don’t have to be scared. I won’t let anything happen to you, I swear.” He reached across the table and took hold of my hand.

  “I didn’t want you here to protect me. I wanted you here so every time I started to panic at the thought of you being hurt, I could reach out and touch you and know you’re okay.” I fought to force the words past the sudden lump in my throat. “Your mom may have overreacted a little, but I understand her fear. Thinking of what might have happened to you tonight . . . the idea of losing you . . .”

  He skimmed his thumb over the backs of my knuckles. “It didn’t happen, sweetheart. And it won’t. I’m not going anywhere.” He offered a charming smile. “No way would I leave you now, not when things are finally getting interesting.”

  I just stared at him, waiting for my emotional barometer to drop.

  “Hey, stop looking at me like you expect me to disappear any second.”

  Damn it, why’d he have to say that?

  Tears stung my eyes and I pulled my hand away. Not finding his attempts at humor the least bit funny. “Don’t do that. Don’t joke about that.”

  He reached for my hand again, and I let him take it, mostly because I was craving his touch. He was so warm, and I needed that to fight off the chill of fear that I’d been fighting all night. “I’m sorry, Blair. I was just looking for a smile. I don’t like seeing you upset this way.”

  “The guy who’s tormented me all my life is suddenly sensitive to my emotional state,” I snorted, resorting to my most effective defense mechanism: sarcasm.

  Especially useful when aimed at him.

  He tugged my hand until I looked at him. “Our verbal sparring is clearly something different to me than it is to you. And I’ve always been attuned to your emotional state. Always. Why do you think I picked at you so much? When I could see you were down about something, I opted for playful banter that would make you smile. I’d leave myself wide-open for your quick wit just to see the satisfied smile on your face after you delivered a string of particularly stellar burns. When you were frustrated with your mom smothering you, I’d pick at you until you threw something at me, and we’d end up trying to bean each other with whatever we had on hand, effectively allowing you to blow off some steam. Whatever I thought you needed, I gave. Maybe not in an obvious way, but I tried to help in the only way I could at the time.”

  “You could have just talked to me, you know.”

  “No, I couldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because deep conversations would have made us friends, and that would have only made it more difficult to stay away from you. And I was barely keeping myself in check as it was.”

  My breath stilled. “You were?”

  “You think it’s been easy the last few years? Ignoring you every time Beck and I came home to visit? Picking little fights with you so you’d avoid me because I was afraid if we spent too much time together, I’d lose my head and act on something I shouldn’t have been feeling in the first place?” With his free hand, he picked at the thick, woven placemat in front of him. “Then tonight, when you moaned my name in that car, I almost did it, I almost said it out loud. But I didn’t. Fuck if I know how, but I didn’t. Of course, after a few too many beers and your alleged nip-slip on the beach, I told you more than I ever intended, but I thought we were both too buzzed for it to matter.”

  “It does matter, Ash,” I whispered, squeezing his hand as the conversation by the dunes came rushing back in stunning clarity. “I think I remember now, those things you said on the beach. I remember you being sweet and supportive,
and a little jealous of Cliff.” I couldn’t help smiling at the silliness of that. Cliff had been a complete jerk; Ash was right about that. But he’d been a lesson, too. He was a glaring reminder that I needed to grow the fuck up. He also taught me what I deserved and that I would never settle for less than that again.

  Which was why I hadn’t really dated since.

  Ash frowned deeply, one side of his mouth pulling up into the beginnings of a snarl.

  I kept talking, hoping to distract him. “I also remember telling you that you could be everything Cliff never was, if you wanted to be.”

  “And I remember thinking to myself that that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He leaned across the table and held my hand between both of his. “I know you thought I was panicked when you told me what I said to Tommy, and maybe I was, but only because I didn’t want you to hear how I felt about you under those circumstances. Not that way.” He held my gaze, his face earnest and stunning as he watched me. “I may not have intended to say it out loud, but I absolutely meant what I said. You’re mine, Blair. You’ll never convince my heart any different. And whether you realize it or not, I’m yours. I have been for a long damn time.”

  It was in that exact moment that I was officially lost to Ashton Hunter.

  Ashton

  I sat there at the table, her hand held between both of mine, and my heart out there on my sleeve for what felt like an eternity while I watched a dozen different emotions play across her sweet face. I could have sworn she’d stopped breathing.

  I knew I had.

  When we came back here a few days ago, the idea of admitting all this to her had of course occurred to me. Beck and I were finally home, for good if I had anything to say about it, which meant there was no reason to fight my feelings for her anymore.

  I’d intended to wait, though, until I knew for sure what her plans were for after college. The last thing I wanted to do was swoop in after achieving all the things I’d wanted to do and gum up her plans with my presence.

  I’d seen firsthand what happened when you derailed someone’s dreams.