More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  A gruelling cross-examination left Rastus unshaken in this story:The night was dark, and he had waved his lantern frantically, but thedriver of the carriage paid no attention to it.

  Later, the division superintendent called the flagman to his office tocompliment him on the steadfastness with which he stuck to his story.

  "You did wonderfully, Rastus," he said. "I was afraid at first youmight waver in your testimony."

  "Nossir, nossir," Rastus exclaimed, "but I done feared ev'ry minutethat 'ere durn lawyer was gwine ter ask me if mah lantern waslit."--_Puck_.

  During a suit to recover damages following an automobile collision inthe Adirondacks, the complainant's attorney, a city lawyer, constantlyhectored the defendant's principal witness, a rough old guide, but wasunable to shake his testimony.

  During cross-examination the guide mentioned "havin' come across thetrail of a Ford." The city lawyer jumped at this chance to discreditthe guide's evidence.

  "Do you mean to tell this court," he demanded, "that you can determinethe make of a car by studying its track? How did you know it was aFord?"

  "Well, sir," drawled the guide, "I followed its trail about a hundredyards and found a Ford at the end of it."

  The magistrate looked severely at the small, red-faced man who hadbeen summoned before him, and who returned his gaze without flinching.

  "So you kicked your landlord downstairs?" queried the magistrate. "Didyou imagine that was within the right of a tenant?"

  "I'll bring my lease in and show it to you," said the little man,growing redder, "and I'll wager you'll agree with me that anythingthey've forgotten to prohibit in that lease I had a right to do thevery first chance I got."

  "As a matter of fact," said the lawyer for the defendant, trying to besarcastic, "you were scared half to death, and don't know whether itwas a motor-car or something resembling a motor-car that hit you."

  "It resembled one all right," the plaintiff made answer. "I wasforcibly struck by the resemblance."

  A religious worker was visiting a Southern penitentiary, when oneprisoner in some way took his fancy. This prisoner was a negro,who evinced a religious fervour as deep as it was gratifying to thecaller.

  "Of what were you accused?" the prisoner was asked.

  "Dey says I took a watch," answered the negro. "I made a good fight. Ihad a dandy lawyer, an' he done prove an alibi wif ten witnesses. Denmy lawyer he shore made a strong speech to de jury. But it wa'n't nouse, sah; I gets ten years."

  "I don't see why you were not acquitted," said the religious worker.

  "Well, sah," explained the prisoner, "dere was shore one weak spot'bout my defence--dey found de watch in my pocket."

  Some time ago an elderly gentleman walking along the street saw alittle girl crying bitterly. Instantly his heart softened and hestopped to soothe her.

  "What is the matter, little girl," he kindly asked; "are you hurt?"

  "No, sir," responded the child as her sobbing increased in volume, "Ilost my nickel!"

  "There! There!" gently returned the kind-hearted citizen, digging intohis pocket. "Don't cry any more. Here is your nickel."

  "Why, you wicked man!" exclaimed the little girl, seizing the coin andglaring at the donor with flashing eyes. "You had it all the time!"

  GRAMERCY--"Why don't you have your old car repainted?"

  PARK--"Wouldn't think of such a thing. It's been stolen a dozen timesand has the finest collection of fingerprints you ever saw."

  A witness in a railroad case at Fort Worth, asked to tell in his ownway how the accident happened, said:

  "Well, Ole and I was walking down the track, and I heard a whistle,and I got off the track, and the train went by, and I got back on thetrack, and I didn't see Ole; but I walked along, and pretty soon Iseen Ole's hat, and I walked on, and seen one of Ole's legs, and thenI seen one of Ole's arms, and then another leg, and then over one sideOle's head, and I says, 'My God! Something muster happen to Ole!'"

  Facts are stubborn things.--_Smollett_.

  _See also_ Witnesses.

  EXAGGERATION

  _A War Lexicon_

  In a letter to the editor of the New York Sun an anonymous writergives the following important interpretations of various phrases of"Desperanto," or the language indulged in by frantic telegraph editorson American newspapers:

  Terrific Slaughter--Sixteen French and seventeen Germans wounded.

  Hurled Back--The withdrawal of an advanced outpost.

  Thousands of Prisoners--Three German farmers arrested.

  Deadly Air Battle--French aeroplane seen in the distance.

  Gigantic Army of Invasion--Two troops of cavalry on a reconnaissance.

  Overwhelming Force--A sergeant and a detail of twelve men.

  Fierce Naval Battle--Mysterious sounds heard at sea.

  Americans Outrageously Maltreated--One American asked to explain whyhis trunk contained maps of German roads.

  Bottled Up--A fleet at anchor.

  Trapped--An army in camp.

  Rout--An orderly retreat.

  Heroism--A failure of soldiers to run away in the face of danger.

  Decisive Conflict--A skirmish of outposts.

  A man with a look of business on his face came to a hotel-keeper, andasked him if he would buy two carloads of frogs' legs.

  "Two carloads!" said the man in amazement. "Why, I could not use themin twenty years!"

  "Well, will you buy a carload?"

  "No."

  "Twenty or thirty bushels?"

  "No."

  "Twenty or thirty dozens?"

  "No."

  "Two dozen?"

  "Yes."

  A few days later the man returned with three pairs of legs. "Is thatall?" asked the landlord.

  "Yes; the fact is that I live near a pond, and the frogs made so muchnoise that I thought there were millions of them. But I dragged thepond with a seine, drained it and raked it, and there were only threefrogs in the whole place."--_Life_.

  A certain young society man was much given to telling exaggeratedstories and was rapidly gaining a reputation for untruthfulness whichworried his friends and particularly his chum, who remonstrated withhim and threatened to disown him if he did not mend his ways.

  "Charlie," said he, "you must stop this big story business of yours oryou are going to lose me as a friend. Nobody believes a word you say,and you are getting to be a laughing-stock."

  Charlie admitted that he was aware of the fact but complained that hecould not overcome his fault, try as he would. He suggested that hadhe but somebody beside him when he started to elaborate upon his tale,to tread on his foot, he was sure he could break the habit.

  A few days later they were invited to a dinner party and his chumagreed to sit next to Charlie and step on his toe if he went too far.All went well until the subject of travel was brought up. One of thecompany told of an immense building that he had seen when on a tripup the Nile. This started Charlie, who at once began to describea remarkable building he had seen while on a hunting trip on thenorthern border of India.

  "It was one of the most remarkable buildings, I presume, in theworld," said he. "Its dimensions we found to be three miles inlength, two miles in height, and"--as his watchful friend trod on histoe--"two feet wide."

  The old sea captain was smoking comfortably by his fireside when Jack,his sailor son, burst in upon him.

  "Weather too rough," explained the son, "so we've put in for the day."

  "Too rough!" exclaimed Mr. Tar, with visions of his own days at sea."Why, sir, I was once sailing round the Cape when a storm came on, andit blew down the main-mast and the mizzen-mast was swept away, but wedidn't even think of putting in."

  "Well, you see," exclaimed the son, "this storm was so bad that itblew the anchors off the captain's buttons, took the paint off theship's bows and--"

  "Stop!" cried the old man. "You do me credit, Jack--you do me credit!"

  EXAMINATIONS

  PROF--"A fool can ask more ques
tions than a wise man can answer."

  STUDE--"No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!"

  EXCUSES

  In a Canadian camp somewhere in England a second George Washington hasbeen found. He, in company with several others, had been granted fourdays' leave, and, as usual, wired for extension. But no hackneyedexcuse was his. In fact, it was so original that it has been framedand now hangs in a prominent spot in the battalion orderly-room. Itran as follows:

  "Nobody dead, nobody ill; still going strong, having a good time, andgot plenty of money. Please grant extension."

  And he got it!

  FIRST OFFICER--"Did you get that fellow's number?"

  SECOND OFFICER--"No; he was going too fast."

  FIRST OFFICER--"Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car."

  SECOND OFFICER--"Wasn't she?"--_Puck_.

  TED--"Pity the rain spoiled the game today."

  NED--"But you got a check didn't you?"

  TED--"Yes, but to get off I had to use up the best excuse I ever hadin my life."--_Judge_.

  Johnny B----, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long agodeveloped a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or threeoffenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher.

  "Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bringme an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here."

  "I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested the boy.

  "Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.

  "'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses."

  In his Savannah camp Bill Donovan, baseball manager, had a dusky-huedwaiter at the hotel by the name of Sutton. Bill had to reproach Suttonmore than once for a lack of agility in arriving with the food.Sutton promised to improve. One morning he brought in a consignment ofgriddle-cakes that had gone cold.

  "What do you mean," said Bill, "by bringing me in cold cakes?"

  "Well, I'll tell you, boss," said Sutton. "I brung them cakes in sofast that I guess they hit a draft."

  A country school-master had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boyswere late, and were called up to account for it.

  "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"

  "Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going toMargate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam-boat-bell."

  "Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse hisfavorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "What have you tosay?"

  "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tomoff!"

  "Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and aroll," said the first "commercial."

  "Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

  "Yessir."

  In a moment the waiter came back, leaned confidentially and penitentlyover the table, and whispered:

  "We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, andthe 'andle of the 'liminator got busted off. Will you take yer heggsfried, same as this 'ere gentleman?"

  EXECUTIVE ABILITY

  Executive ability has been variously defined, but the following froman executive with a sense of humor seems to cover the whole subject.He said: "Executive ability is the ability to hire someone to do workfor which you will get the credit, and, if there is a slip-up, havingsomeone at whose door to lay the blame."

  _Qualifications for an Executive_

  To do the right thing, at the right time, in the right way. To do somethings better than they were done before. To eliminate errors. To knowboth sides of a question. To be courteous. To set an example. Towork for the love of work. To anticipate requirements. To developresources. To master circumstances. To act from reason rather thanfrom rule. To be satisfied with nothing short of perfection.--_H.Gordon Selfridge_.

  EXPENSES

  A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married,and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of therather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his,seeking information.

  "Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five yearsago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the weddingcost you?"

  "Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousanddollars a year."

  Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancingthrough his pocket book his mother saw a number of entries of smallsums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters"P.G." Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, sheasked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to sodeserving a cause.

  "That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When Icannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' whichmeans 'Probably grub.'"

  "Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?"

  "Hard? Man alive! I meet expenses at every turn."

  EXPERIENCE

  "Did you ever realize anything on that investment?"

  "Oh, yes."

  "What did you realize on it?"

  "What a fool I had been."

  It is as easy to buy experience as it is difficult to sell it.

  "Have you ever had any experience in handling high-class ware?" askeda dealer in bric-a-brac of an applicant for work.

  "No, sir," was the reply, "but I think I can do it."

  "Suppose," said the dealer, "you accidentally broke a very valuableporcelain vase, what would you do?"

  "I should put it carefully together," replied the man, "and set itwhere a wealthy customer would be sure to knock it over again."

  "Consider yourself engaged," said the dealer. "Now, tell me where youlearned that trick of the trade."

  "A few years ago," answered the other, "I was one of the'wealthy-customer' class."

  Experience is a dead loss if you can't sell it for more than it cost.

  Experience converts us to ourselves when books fail us.--_A. BronsonAlcott_.

  I know The past and thence I will essay to glean A warning for the future, so that man May profit by his errors, and derive Experience from his folly; For, when the power of imparting joy Is equal to the will, the human soul Requires no other heaven.

  --_Shelley_.

  EXTRAVAGANCE

  "What made you a multi-millionaire?"

  "My wife."

  "Ah, her tactful help--"

  "Nothing like that. I was simply curious to know if there was anyincome she couldn't live beyond."

  The man who builds, and wants wherewith to pay, Provides a home from which to run away.

  --_Young_.

  FAILURES

  BROWN--"Back to town again? I thought you were a farmer."

  GREEN--"You made the same mistake I did."--_Judge_.

  There are people who fail because they are afraid to make a beginning.Who are too honest to steal, but will borrow and never pay back. Whogo to bed tired because they spend the day in looking for an easyplace. Who can play a tune on one string, but it never makes anybodywant to dance. Who would like to reform the world, but have a frontgate that won't stay shut. Who cannot tell what they think aboutanything until they see what the papers have to say about it.

  A first failure is often a blessing.--_A. L. Brown_.

  To fail at all is to fail utterly.--_Lowell_.

  He only is exempt from failures who makes no efforts.--_Whately_.

  FAME

  After an absence of four years a certain man went back to visit hisold home town. The first four people he met didn't remember him andthe next three didn't know he had been away.

  "That antagonist of yours says he is going to leave footprints in thesands of time."

  "He won't," replied Senator Sorghum. "His mind is in the clouds. He isan intellectual aviator. When he comes down he will leave a dent, nota footprint."

  Nor fame I slight, nor for her favors call:
She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all.

  --_Pope_.

  For what is fame, but the benignant strength of one, transformed tojoy of many?--_George Eliot_.

  Fame is the fragrance of heroic deeds.--_Longfellow_.

  FAMILIES

  A Kansas man is reported to be the father of thirty-two children.It is not known whether he will apply for admission to the League ofNations or just let America represent him for the present.--_Punch(London)_.

  A census-taker was working in lower New York on the East Side, andcame to a tenement that was literally crowded with children. To thewoman who was bending over the washtub he said:

  "Madam, I am the census-taker; how many children have you?"

  "Well, lemme see," replied the woman, as she straightened up and wipedher hands on her apron. "There's Mary and Ellen and Delia and Susieand Emma and Tommy and Albert and Eddie and Charlie and Frank and--"

  "Madam," interrupted the census man, "if you could just give me thenumber--"

  "Number!" she exclaimed, indignantly. "I want you to understand thatwe ain't got to numberin' 'em yet. We ain't run out o' names!"

  The census man when taking the census in a certain Canadian town askedof the head of the family the usual questions, one being, "How manychildren have you?"