More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  The man answered, "Oh, I don't know, ten, twelve, fourteen or so. Iknow a barrel of flour lasts pretty damn quick."

  _See also_ Bluffing.

  FARMING

  "It used to be said that anybody could farm--that about all thatwas required was a strong back and a weak mind," mused the gauntMissourian. "But now'-days, to be a successful farmer a feller musthave a good head and a wide education in order to understand theadvice ladled out to him from all sides by city men and to select foruse that which will do him the least damage."

  PROFESSOR AT AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL--"What kinds of farming are there?"

  NEW STUDENT--"Extensive, intensive, and pretensive."

  They were having an argument as to whether it was correct to say of ahen she is "setting" or "sitting," and, not being able to arrive at asatisfactory conclusion, they decided to submit the problem to FarmerGiles.

  "My friends," said he, "that don't interest me at all. What I wants toknow when I hear a hen cackle is whether she be laying or lying."

  "How many head o' live stock you got on the place?"

  "Live stock?" echoed the somewhat puzzled farmer. "What d' ye meanby live stock? I got four steam-tractors and sevenautomobiles."--_Judge_.

  The city youth secured a job with Farmer Jones. The morning after hisarrival, promptly at 4 o'clock, the farmer rapped on his door and toldhim to get up. The youth protested.

  "What for?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

  "Why, we're going to cut oats," replied the farmer.

  "Are they wild oats," queried the youth, "that you've got to sneak upon 'em in the dark?"

  "Aren't you afraid America will become isolated?"

  "Not if us farmers keep raisin' things the world needs," answeredFarmer Corntossel, "The feller that rings the dinner-bell never runsmuch risk of bein' lonesome."

  "How'd that city hired man of yours pan out?"

  "Well, he started in Monday morning plowing corn. At 10 o'clock hestruck for a helper to lift the gangs out at the ends, and I sent thekid out to do that. At noon he struck for two pieces of strawberryshortcake instead of one, so I gave him my piece. At 1:15 he struckfor a sunshade on the corn plow. I says, 'Young man, this job is justlike a baseball game. Three strikes and you're out, Good-bye.'"

  A rather patronizing individual from town was observing withconsiderable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he had putup for a while.

  As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man from thecity called out facetiously:

  "Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits."

  Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied:

  "Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp."

  _See also_ Failures.

  FASHION

  "Isn't your wife dogmatic?"

  "She was when Pomeranian pups were the style, but now she'sauto-matic."

  The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.--_Shakespeare_.

  "Women have queer ways."

  "How now?"

  "The styles call for mannish hats. So my wife bought a mannish hat foreighteen dollars."

  "Well?"

  "She could have bought a man's hat for four dollars."

  Women's fashions seem to be working around to the point where thevoice with the smile will have to be listed among the latest springstyles.

  The intrepid general was rallying her wavering female troops.

  "Women," she cried, "will you give way to mannish fears?"

  A muffled murmur of indecision ran through the ranks.

  "Shall it be said we are clothed in male armor?" shrieked the general.

  The murmur became a mumble.

  "Will you," fiercely demanded the general, "show the white feather ina season when feathers are not worn?"

  The effect was electrical.

  "Never!" roared the soldiers. And, forming into battle array, theyonce more hurled themselves upon the enemy.

  "You criticize us," said the Chinese visitor, "yet I see all yourwomen have their feet bandaged."

  "That is an epidemic," it was explained to him, gently, "which brokeout in 1914. Those are called spats."

  Little Tommy at the "movies" saw a tribe of Indians painting theirfaces, and asked his mother the significance of this.

  "Indians," his mother answered, "always paint their faces before goingon the war-path--before scalping and tomahawking and murdering."

  The next evening after dinner, as the mother entertained in the parlorher daughter's young man, Tommy rushed downstairs, wide-eyed withfright.

  "Come on, mother!" he cried. "Let's get out of this quick! Sister isgoing on the war-path!"

  Mrs. Will Irwin said at a Washington Square tea:

  "The more immodest fashions would disappear if men would resolutelyoppose them.

  "I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the other day a skirtthat was, really, too short altogether. The woman put it on. It wasbecoming enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. She enteredthe library, and her husband looked up from his work with a darkfrown.

  "'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 'if theseultra-short skirts will ever go out?'

  "'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in decided tones."

  Those reform preachers who designed the moral gown for women did agood job. Now to design a woman who will wear it.

  FAIR CUSTOMER (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit)--"Andyou're sure this bathing suit won't shrink?"

  SALESMAN--"No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to."

  POLICEMAN--"Lost yer mammy, 'ave yer? Why didn't yer keep hold of herskirt?"

  LITTLE ALFRED--"I cou--cou--couldn't reach it."

  When ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observedthat "they began too late and ended too soon."

  FAIR CUSTOMER--"I'd like to try on that one over there."

  SALESMAN--"I'm sorry, madam, but that is the lampshade."

  The Fifth Avenue Bus having stopped, the lady at the top of the stairswas slow in descending. "Come on down, lady," said the conductor in abored tone, "legs ain't no treat to me."

  FATE

  All human things are subject to decay, And when fate summons, monarchs must obey.

  --_Dryden_.

  All are architects of Fate, Working in these walls of Time: Some with massive deeds and great, Some with ornaments of rhyme.

  --_Longfellow_.

  Fate holds the strings, and Men like Children, move But as they're led: Success is from above.

  --_Lord Lansdowne_.

  One ship drives east, and another west With the self-same winds that blow; 'Tis the set of the sails And not the gales Which decide the way to go.

  Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate As we voyage along through life; 'Tis the will of the soul That decides its goal, And not the calm or the strife.

  FATHERS

  "Dad," said a Bartlesville, Okla., kid to his father the other night,"I want to go to the show tonight."

  "A show at night is no place for a kid like you. You should be at homein bed."

  "But I peddled bills and have two tickets," said the kid, as he beganto sniffle.

  "All right then," answered dad. "I will go with you to see that youdon't get into trouble."

  Johnnie Jones was doing penance in the corner. Presently he thoughtaloud pensively:

  "I can't help it if I am not perfect," he sighed. "I have only heardof one perfect boy in my whole life."

  "Who was that?" his father asked, thinking to point out a moral.

  "You," came the reply, plaintively, "when you were little."

  _His Example_

  There are little eyes upon you, and they're watching night and day; There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say; There are little hands all eager to do everything you do, And a little boy that's dreaming of the day he'll be like you.

  You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise; In his li
ttle mind about you no suspicions ever rise; He believes in you devoutly, holds that all you say and do He will say and do in your way when he's grown up just like you.

  Oh, it sometimes makes me shudder when I hear my boy repeat Some careless phrase I've uttered in the language of the street; And it sets my heart to grieving when some little fault I see And I know beyond all doubting that he picked it up from me.

  There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right, And his ears are always open and he watches day and night. You are setting an example every day in all you do For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you.

  "Now, there's some talk of a Father's Day."

  "Oh, father doesn't want a day. Give him a night off."

  "I was never so tired in my life. I've had a perfectly awful day. ButI got Father home safely, and that's something. It was his annual dayto be a boy again, to be a regular pal to me, as he likes to expressit. So I have been out in the woods with him.

  "I inferred from his remarks when he invited me to go that he intendedto win my confidence and help me in my troubles. But by noon he hadbroken his glasses, worn blisters on both heels, scraped his shins,lost his new fishing reel, sunk a rowboat, scalded his mouth, burnedhis bald spot in the sun and torn the seat out of his trousers, soI think he must have postponed whatever he had to say of an intimatenature.

  "If writers and lecturers only knew the suffering they bring toimpressionable parents by goading them into trying to be their boys'chums they certainly would cease their efforts out of sheer pity."

  FAULTS

  "Everybody has his faults," said Uncle Eben. "De principal differencein folks is whether dey's sorry for 'em or proud of 'em."

  It is so easy to find fault that self-respecting persons ought to beashamed to waste their energies in that way.

  It only takes a few minutes to find in others the faults we can'tdiscover in ourselves in a lifetime.

  A widely known Highland drover sold a horse to an Englishman.

  A few days afterward the buyer returned to him.

  "You said that horse had no faults."

  "Well, no mair had he."

  "He's nearly blind!" said the indignant Englishman.

  "Why, mon, that's no' his fau't--that's his misfortune."

  FEES

  _See_ Tips.

  FICTION

  The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. "Maggie,dear," he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction with you to whileaway the time?"

  "Oh, no, George," she said, "you'll be sending me some letters."

  FIGHTING

  "Brudder Perkins, yo' been fightin', I heah," said the coloredminister.

  "Yaas, Ah wuz."

  "Doan yo' 'membeh whut de good book sez 'bout turnin' de odder cheek?"

  "Yaas, pahson, but he hit me on mah nose, an' I'se only got one."

  "Why do you look so sorrowful, Dennis?" asked one man of another.

  "I just hear-r-d wan man call another man a liar, and the man thatwas called a liar said the other man would have to apologize, or therewould be a fight."

  "And why should that make you so sad?"

  "The other man apologized."

  "Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight."

  "We couldn't help it, father."

  "Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussionof the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, ifneed be?"

  "No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whiphim, and there was only one way to find out."

  "So you've been fighting again! Didn't you stop and spell your names,as I told you?"

  "Y-yes; we did--but my name's Algernon Percival, an' his isJim!"--_Judge_.

  FINANCE

  "Dad," said little Reginald, "what is a bucket-shop?"

  "A bucket-shop, my son," said the father, feelingly, "a bucket-shopis a modern cooperage establishment to which a man takes a barrel andbrings back the bung-hole."--_Puck_.

  "Dad," said the financier's son, running into his father's office,"lend me six hundred."

  "What for, my boy?"

  "I've got a sure tip on the market."

  "How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man cautiously.

  "A couple of hundred sure," replied the boy eagerly. "That's a hundredeach."

  "Here's your hundred," said his father. "Let's consider that we havemade this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a hundred dollarsand I save five hundred."

  _Higher Authority_

  "Mr. Brown is outside," said the new office-boy. "Shall I show himin?".

  "Not on your life!" exclaimed the junior partner. "I owe him tendollars."

  "Show him in," calmly said the senior member of the firm. "He owes metwenty-five."

  BUSINESS MAN (explaining)--"When they say 'money is easy,' they meansimply that the supply is greater than the demand."

  HIS WIFE--"Goodness! I shouldn't think such a thing possible."

  SMITHSON--"Do you know that Noah was the greatest financier that everlived?"

  DIBBS--"How do you make that out?"

  SMITHSON--"Well, he was able to float a company when the whole worldwas in liquidation."

  "This car cost me thirty-five hundred dollars, Blathers, but I'lllet you have it for two thousand, eh? It's a clean gift of fifteenhundred," said Bolivar. "Eh, what do you say?"

  "No," said Blathers, "I can't do that; but suppose you give me fivehundred dollars and keep the car, eh? Clean saving of a thousand, eh?What?"

  The present financial situation gives the lie to the old adage thatExchange is no robbery.

  The man who had made a huge fortune was speaking a few words to anumber of students at a business class. Of course, the main theme ofhis address was himself.

  "All my success in life, all my tremendous financial prestige," hesaid proudly, "I owe to one thing alone--pluck, pluck, pluck!"

  He made an impressive pause here but the effect was ruined by onestudent, who asked impressively:

  "Yes, sir; but how are we to find the right people to pluck?"

  A young New Haven man, returning home from a health trip to Colorado,told his father about buying a silver mine for $3,000. "I knew they'drope you in!" exclaimed the old man. "So you were ass enough to buy ahumbug mine."

  "Yes, but I didn't lose anything. I formed a company, and sold halfthe stock to a Connecticut man for $7,000."

  "Y-you did," gasped the old man as he turned white, "I'll bet I'm theone who bought it."

  "I know you are," coolly observed the young man as he crossed his legsand tried to appear very much at home.

  FISH

  The teacher asked, "Who can tell me what an oyster is?"

  A small hand, gesticulating violently, shot up into the air, and ashrill voice called out. "I know; I can tell, teacher!"

  "Well, Bobby," said the teacher, "you may tell us what an oyster is."

  "An oyster," triumphantly answered Bobby, "is a fish built like anut!"

  "Dinah, did you wash the fish before you baked it?"

  "Law, ma'am, what's de use ob washin' er fish what's lived all hislife in de water?"

  "Ma'am, here's a man at the door with a parcel for you."

  "What is it, Bridget?"

  "It's a fish, ma'am, and it's marked C.O.D."

  "Then make the man take it back to the dealer. I ordered trout."

  FISHERMEN

  "I say, Gadsby," said Mr. Smith, as he entered a fishmonger's with alot of tackle in his hand, "I want you to give me some fish to takehome with me. Put them up to look as if they'd been caught today, willyou?"

  "Certainly, sir. How many?"

  "Oh, you'd better give me three or four--mackerel. Make it look decentin quantity without appearing to exaggerate, you know."

  "Yes, sir. You'd better take salmon, tho."

  "Why? What makes you think so?"

  "Oh, nothing, except that your wife was here early
this morning andsaid if you dropped in with your fishing-tackle I was to persuade youto take salmon, if possible, as she liked that kind better than anyother."

  BELLEVILLE--"Is Glenshaw getting ready for the fishing season?"

  BUTLER--"Well, I saw him buying an enlarging device for his camera."

  A returned vacationist tells us that he was fishing in a pond oneday when a country boy who had been watching him from a distanceapproached him and asked. "How many fish yer got, mister?"

  "None yet," he was told.

  "Well, yer ain't doin' so bad," said the youngster. "I know a fellerwhat fished here for two weeks an' he didn't get any more than you gotin half an hour."

  Jock MacTavish and two English friends went out on the loch on afishing-trip, and it was agreed that the first man to catch a fishshould later stand treat at the inn. As MacTavish was known to be thebest fisherman thereabouts, his friends took considerable delight inassuring him that he had as good as lost already.

  "An', d'ye ken," said Jock, in speaking of it afterward, "baith o'them had a guid bite, an' wis sae mean they wadna' pu in."

  "Then you lost?" asked the listener.

  "Oh, no. I didna' pit ony bait on my hook."