Confessions Between Us

by Tina T. Kove

  ‘You’re not weak.’ I grabbed hold of his wrist. It wasn’t as if I could pry his hands off me, but maybe by touching him, I could calm him down. Unless it made him even angrier. Then I was truly fucked. ‘There’s nothing weak about any of that.’ I liked those things… and I was weak, but not because of those.

  ‘I can’t do anything I like as long as I live in the same fucking house as him.’ Glenn drew in a shaky breath.

  Four months,’ I said quickly, trying to think positive thoughts. Four months and school’s over. You’re off to the military. You can do whatever you want.’

  ‘As if the military’s any better,’ he scoffed.

  ‘School then.’ Moving away for school was good. It was what I was going to do. It was what I’d always planned on doing before my hopelessness got the better of me. ‘Move away to school. You don’t even have to see him again after that if you don’t want to. I’m never seeing my parents again.’

  That was one thing set in stone.

  Glenn stared at me. His eyes weren’t as narrowed as they had been, so maybe his anger had bled out some.

  ‘It doesn’t have to be like this once school’s over.’ I squeezed his wrists. ‘You can do whatever you want.’

  ‘I can’t do whatever I want.’ A muscle ticked in his jaw again. ‘What I want—it’s taken.’ He stepped back, hands finally releasing their hold on me, and with a shake of his head, he walked away.

  I stared after his back until it disappeared. A shaky breath left me as his bedroom door slammed.

  Had he meant what I thought he meant?

  Now I was the one gripping my shirt. My heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was going to escape from my chest.

  I glanced towards the sofa. Sarah was still lying with her back towards the rest of the room. Maybe she was already asleep. Maybe she hadn’t heard any of this. Maybe I wasn’t an accomplice in Glenn outing himself to one of his friends.

  But no one fell asleep that fast, did they?

  I knew I couldn’t.

  If Sarah knew, she might tell Peter, who might tell Andreas. Then everything would be out there. Glenn’s sexuality and my history with him.

  Andreas was a pretty laid-back guy. But would he still be if he found out I’d slept with his best friend? it was before I knew him, sure, but did that matter? I had slept with him, and I had had feelings for him… and I might still have those. I had them for Andreas too, though.

  It was too confusing.

  I couldn’t deal with these feelings.

  Couldn’t deal with my thoughts.

  I couldn’t deal with Glenn. He hated me. That was the impression I’d had ever since I got to know Andreas.

  What if I had the wrong impression though?

  Sunday, February 24th

  I woke up sprawled over a sleeping Andreas. My mouth felt like sandpaper and my head throbbed. It seemed I was also naked. Or no, not quite—I still had my boxers on.

  We couldn’t have sex last night then.

  That was good. I preferred to remember sex whenever I had it. Especially with Andreas.

  Drawing away from Andreas’s back, I pushed myself up into a sitting position. The room spun and I had to think about it for several seconds to remember what the hell was going on.

  The confrontation with Glenn yesterday, then drinking—and lots of it.

  I smelled of smoke and alcohol and beer.

  Had someone spilt beer on me?

  My clothes from yesterday were lying in a pile on the floor. I picked up the shirt and sniffed it. Yep, someone had spilt beer on me.

  I brought my bag with me as I tip-toed over the floor. I looked left and right as I opened the door, making sure no one was around to see me. The entire flat was dark and silent, so everyone must still be sleeping. I slipped into the bathroom door opposite and locked it after me.

  Brushing my teeth was first on the agenda. Second, a shower. I waited on the warm tiles for the water to heat up, then stepped inside with a relieved sight. Hot water beat down on my hung-over, aching and dirty body. It was heaven.

  ‘Damn it,’ I muttered as I had to step out again to get my shampoo and soap. Water splashed everywhere, but I was soon under the stream again. I quickly shampooed my hair, making sure to scrub it clean. Then I soaped in my body, hoping to get the nasty smell of smoke and beer off me.

  My dick was, surprisingly, half-hard.

  I stared down at it as the stream beat down over my head, washing away the shampoo. Had I had a good dream before I woke up? I couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter either. I wrapped a soapy hand around it and stroked it.

  It was a little awkward, as it wasn’t often I took care of myself this way.

  I preferred being fucked. And nowadays, I got fucked quite regularly.

  I watched intently as I stroked back up, covering my head with foreskin, then as it was revealed again when I stroked down.

  My dick was nothing to Andreas’s. It was average-sized, or maybe slightly under average? It was hard to say, as I was so used to Andreas now who was decidedly above average.

  I dragged my free hand through my hair, messing it up to make sure all the shampoo was out. Then I braced one hand against the wall as I sped up the pace on my cock.

  My eyes fell closed, and I rested my forehead against the back of my hand. As much as I loved anal and blowjobs, a wank was good sometimes, too. Like today. It didn’t take me long to come at all, and once I finished emptying myself over my hand, I was left with a relaxing, cosy afterglow.

  I stayed leaning up against the wall for a bit, just enjoying being properly relaxed. I looked sideways at the red and white lines covering my skin. They weren’t nearly as bad as some pictures I’d seen online, but they weren’t a pretty sight either.

  Most of the scars were on my forearm, on the underside of it. Some were on the front. A few scattered ones were on my upper arm.

  It looked like I’d maimed myself.

  And I had. I had maimed myself. When the emotional pain was too much to handle, I let it out on my skin.

  I was ashamed of showing them. But I couldn’t regret what I’d done because the cutting had kept me sane. It’d been my rock in a world where I hadn’t had anything else.

  Andreas had never once looked at my arms like they were something disgusting to him though. He was my rock right now. He didn’t judge me and he didn’t find what I’d done to myself revolting. He just liked me for me.

  I had thought that about Glenn last year too. He’d not commented on my arms, though he had seen them frequently as we’d spent those two weeks mostly naked and in bed together.

  It was only after I got with Andreas he had something bad to say about them. Or maybe that had been what he’d thought all along.

  The confrontation in the kitchen yesterday was on replay in my mind.

  ‘Hey, Alex? You in there?’

  I jumped in surprise at the loud knock on the door.

  ‘Yeah,’ I called back. I washed my hands and crotch area, then shut the shower off.

  ‘Can I come in?’ Andreas asked from the other side of the door. ‘I need a shower, too.’

  I grabbed my towel from my bag, wrapped it around my waist, and went over to open the door. His gaze zeroed in on my chest the moment the door swung open, and it fell to my crotch as he stepped inside.

  He was only in his boxers too, like I’d been.

  ‘I can’t remember getting back here last night.’ There was much of last night I couldn’t remember.

  His eyes met mine. There was laughter in them. ‘You were kind of drunk.’

  ‘Someone spilt beer on me.’

  Now, he laughed outright. ‘Yeah. That was Glenn. He was even drunker than you. I had to practically carry you, you know, and undress you.’

  I didn’t know why I blushed. He’d undressed me plenty of times. It was only that those times I could remember it, and it had mostly led to sex.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be.’ He l
eant in to kiss my temple and then put his stuff down on the toilet. ‘You were cute.’ He brushed his teeth first too as I had done.

  ‘Cute?’ I wrinkled my nose. I went over to my bag to find something to wear. I didn’t have any immediate plans for the day, so joggers, T-shirt, and a hoodie. ‘Are you going to the slopes today too?’ It was our last afternoon.

  Andreas finished brushing his teeth before he answered. ‘No. My head is killing me. Also, I don’t think we have the time for that.’

  ‘Yeah.’ My head still throbbed too, though the orgasm I’d just had dulled it some. ‘I’ve got painkillers.’ I held up the box to show him. ‘Want one?’ I took one out for myself, and a second for him when he nodded.

  He swallowed his dry, while I had to go over to the sink for some water. I’d never been able to swallow pills without the help of water. They’d stick to the roof of my mouth if I tried and that just made me gag.

  He got in the shower while I dried myself and dressed. I only put on my T-shirt for now, since the bathroom was steaming.

  I sat down on the toilet after putting his things on the top of my bag, then tried my best to dry my hair with the towel. It was getting too long; I should book a hairdresser appointment soon, so I could trim it.

  The shower glass was steamed, but I could still see Andreas’s profile through it. I could see his cock standing at proud attention, getting some needed love from his hand.

  I couldn’t stop staring. I’d never seen Andreas wank himself off before unless it was during sex. I’d just done the very same, yet this felt a hundred times more erotic. Watching my boyfriend wank himself off was the hottest sight ever.

  ‘Need some help in there?’

  ‘You want to come back in?’ He chuckled. His hand kept on stroking his cock without pause.

  ‘You could come out.’ I didn’t particularly want to undress again. ‘Or you could finish, so we could go get breakfast. I don’t think I can trust my stomach just yet.’ I felt a bit queasy. It was a miracle I hadn’t been sick the night before. Unless I had been? It wasn’t like I could remember anything.

  Andreas laughed out loud again. ‘Sucking my cock is such a chore?’

  ‘You have no idea.’ I smiled to myself as I hung my towel up to dry. I went over to the mirror, wiped away some of the steam, and then ran my hand through my hair. I never brushed my hair after a shower, just let it air dry as it pleased.

  The shower shut off behind me.

  Andreas got out, and I wiped some more steam away so I could watch him in the mirror. He grabbed his towel, wiped himself down quickly, and strode over to wrap himself around me. Bare-arsed naked.

  ‘You’re in a good mood today.’ He kissed my neck.

  ‘I’m hung-over as hell.’ Which meant I wasn’t really in a good mood. But seeing Andreas naked always lifted it. I moved my hands behind me to run down his hips and over his tight bum. He was fit, my boyfriend. Tight all over.

  ‘Mmm. Being hung-over sucks. But you still feel good.’ His fingers slipped under my tee to run over the bare skin on my stomach. He was still warm from the shower.

  His hair dripped on my shoulders, but I didn’t care at all that it soaked through the thin fabric. What mattered was that he was behind me, naked, with his now-flaccid cock pressed up against my bum.

  ‘You finished yourself off? That was quick.’

  ‘Never need much time when I think about you.’ He sucked on my skin and I tilted my neck to accommodate him. ‘You know, I can get it up again if you want—‘

  The door banged open and Glenn strode in.

  He saw us and froze.

  ‘Jesus Christ, haven’t you heard about locking the bloody door?’

  ‘Like you haven’t seen this before.’ Andreas took a step back, away from me. I wasn’t so sure that was the best thing to do, considering his towel hid nothing.

  Then again, Ben’s theory of Glenn liking Andreas as more than a friend was pretty much squashed after yesterday. If I was right, and not too high on myself, Glenn liked me.

  Glenn averted his eyes. ‘Put some bloody clothes on, man!’

  Andreas snorted and went over to pull on new boxers and a pair of joggers.

  I watched him, because how could I not?

  When my eyes went back to Glenn, I found his attention had been drawn towards something else entirely.

  My arms. Which were on full display in my tee.

  Now I was the frozen one. I didn’t know what to do. My hoodie was still in my bag, which was lying in front of Andreas. I couldn’t cover my arms, because it was impossible to cover them all up.

  Would he make comments again, like he had when he’d tried to discourage Andreas from seeing me? His words still rang loud and clear in my head, especially now, when he stared at me.

  What he’d said yesterday… it didn’t fit with how he’d acted the past month and a half. He didn’t like the look of my scars. He thought I was slutty. Which I probably was, or had been, but still… Someone who said all that couldn’t like me.

  My mind was a mess. Whenever I saw him, I couldn’t stop thinking. Which was why I’d had so much to drink last night.

  ‘We’re done here if you need the bathroom.’ Andreas lifted my bag in one hand.

  Glenn startled out of whatever thoughts he’d fallen into. ‘Uh, yeah. Okay.’

  He stepped aside so we could pass. His head was bowed, but he lifted it slightly when I made to pass him. Our gazes locked until I was out in the hallway and we weren’t faced with each other anymore.

  ‘Don’t wank off in the shower now,’ Andreas commented smugly.

  ‘Ha. Ha.’ Glenn slammed the door in his face, which only served to make Andreas laugh.

  ‘You’re in a good mood today.’ I raised my eyebrow at him as I echoed his earlier words.

  He crowded me up against the wall. ‘I think Glenn likes you.’

  ‘Don’t be daft.’ My heart sped up in anxiety. ‘Best case, Glenn doesn’t mind me. But I honestly think he loathes me.’ Andreas could not know anything about this. I was not going to out Glenn, no matter what. His revelation about his bruises and his brother… It scared me. I was scared for him. I understood why he couldn’t come out.

  ‘He doesn’t.’ Andreas grinned. Why was he grinning? ‘He could’ve left the bathroom, you know, once he saw us. But he stayed—to stare at you.’

  ‘To stare at these.’ I held my arms up. ‘Because they’re a mess and he’s right to stare.’ And before my arms, he’d stared at Andreas’s junk, which was a better sight in any situation than the evidence of my cutting.

  ‘Thing with Glenn is that he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.’

  I frowned in confusion.

  ‘Like with Spin the Bottle the other night.’ Andreas said it like I was supposed to know what he was talking about. I didn’t. ‘He kissed you, Alex. Because he wanted to. If he hadn’t, he would’ve refused to do it. Glenn’s the kind of person who doesn’t give a shit enough to be nice about anything if it’s not to his satisfaction. He doesn’t like something, someone, he’s vocal about it. Like he used to be about you. But he’s not anymore. He likes you.’

  I could not encourage this. First off, I still wasn’t sure if I’d heard Glenn right yesterday. Maybe he’d meant something else. Or someone else. It was all rather cryptic. Second, I was not going to be the one to out him. Not under any circumstances.

  ‘If you say so.’ I pushed him away playfully, so I could enter our room. I hoped if I just acted all casual about it he’d let it go. ‘Doesn’t it bother you, though? If it’s true, I mean?’

  Of course that had to fall out of my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say it. I had meant to shut this conversation off, and now here I was, wondering if my boyfriend was jealous. It was pathetic. I was an idiot.

  ‘Nah.’ He shrugged and deposited my bag on the bed. ‘Why should it? You’re gorgeous.’

  ‘Not the jealous type?’ I’d thought he would be. But then there’d never been a
dilemma of anyone other than him liking me before. He was the fit footballer, popular in school, and with the charm to pull it off. I was nobody.

  ‘If I’d been, I would’ve gone all caveman when all the kissing started the other night. I would’ve been growling and throwing you over my shoulder and carrying you to bed to claim you for myself.’ He smiled when he said it, obviously joking and amused by the whole thought.

  So was I, for that matter. Amused, that was.

  ‘Glad you’re not a caveman, then.’ Or… ‘But if you ever feel like throwing me over your shoulder and claiming me as yours…’ Now I shrugged. ‘You won’t hear me complaining.’

  He eyed me.

  I realised too late what he was thinking, and he’d slung me over one broad shoulder before I could even react.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I laughed.

  He threw me down on the bed, then got on it too, to straddle me. ‘Claiming you.’ He put all his weight on me, pushing me down into the mattress. He kissed me hard, passionately. He gripped my wrists and held them over my head, so I wasn’t able to move. ‘Claiming you as mine.’

  Oh, boy.

  Even though I knew it was an act, it turned me on. He turned me on so bloody much—

  ‘Knock, knock.’ Sarah’s voice broke through my reverie.

  We both turned our heads to look towards the doorway. Which was open, because Andreas hadn’t closed the door behind him. Now both Sarah and Peter stood there. Peter with raised eyebrows, Sarah with a smirk.

  ‘Aren’t you two cute?’

  I was suddenly painfully aware that Andreas still held my arms over my head, and that I was still in only a T-shirt. My arms were bare for them to see. Now everyone in this cabin had seen what I did to myself. Just great.

  Andreas did let my wrists go when he sat up, but he didn’t get off me, so it wasn’t like I had anywhere to hide my arms. I put my hands on his thighs, knowing that the upper side of the arms wasn’t as bad as the underside, which had been free for ogling up till now.

  ‘Did you guys have a blast last night?’ Sarah strolled into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. She was the only one who hadn’t come out to the after-ski party with us, as she’d spent all day yesterday hung-over.