Alyona's Voice

by Joan Shirley-Davies

  After a while, Fraser decided to take control. ‘OK, Mom,’ he said decisively, ‘let’s get this over with. Say what you’re thinking.’

  Diana was silent for a moment and then she said, ‘I just don’t understand why it’s taken this long. I’m not criticising you, Fraser.’

  ‘So you’re blaming Claudia?’

  ‘I don’t know what to think. But if she didn’t tell you…’

  ‘She had good reason. I don’t want to talk about who’s to blame, we’ve already worked our way past that. This is about my son and his future relationship with you.’

  ‘Our relationship with a grandson, who is already one year old,’ Diana returned.

  ‘Can’t you think about all the wonderful years ahead instead of just one that you missed?’

  ‘It’s not that easy.’

  ‘You don’t have to be part of his life if you don’t want to.’

  ‘Of course we want to,’ Graham said steadily, ‘but we’re worried for you. We don’t even know this girl.’

  ‘I take it you don’t want to.’

  ‘We’re not saying that. It just seems odd that, after all this time, his mother decided to contact you―why now?’

  Fraser scowled at them. ‘You think that beautiful woman back there in the cottage is just after money? That she’s suddenly turned up for a handout because she’s short of funds?’

  ‘That’s not fair, Fraser,’ Graham returned. ‘We have a right to be concerned.’

  A waiter brought a jug of fruit punch. Fraser poured it. He wasn’t sure where this was going to lead, or how tolerant he was going to be. His parents were reasonable people, and they had a point. But they hadn’t given themselves enough time to become fully aware of the situation. He took a long drink and then said, ‘I realise that you have questions, doubts and probably fears, but why can’t you trust me to make the right decisions and choices over this?’

  ‘We’re not suggesting that she isn’t entitled to some support,’ Graham said.

  Fraser was hard-pressed to overcome the exasperation that was taking hold of his patience. ‘If I could get Claudia to take it, I’d be a much happier man,’ he said. ‘You need to know that she won’t take a penny from me. So at least that settles one of your concerns.’ He noted a faint reaction in his mother’s face but didn’t comment on it. ‘She won’t allow me to repay her costs over the past year or so. They have a nice home, Justin has the best of care.’ He paused a moment and added, ‘If you think I’m blameless, then you’re mistaken.’

  ‘Apart from the obvious, how are you culpable?’ Graham said.

  Fraser explained that he never hid the fact that he didn’t want children in his life. He frequently made it clear―even publicly on occasions. Claudia knew that, even so, she had still tried to let him know. He explained his relationship with a movie star, and that there was a wall of paparazzi around his home and his office. Had they found out about Justin, he would have been chased around and plastered all over the papers and magazines.

  ‘Claudia, quite rightly, protected him from that,’ Fraser continued. ‘In fact, she protected me too. How long would you expect her to chase me around when she was pregnant? By the time Justin was born, she had far more important things to do.’

  ‘So why did she contact you?’ Diana asked.

  ‘She didn’t, it was a complete fluke. She could have moved on and said nothing, I’d be none the wiser. But she faced me and told me. Offered me a choice to be involved or not. I gave her a hard time, and I’m not proud of that because she was completely alone through it all. The only thing she’s asking is that Justin should know his grandparents. We need to know whether you want to be part of his life or not?’

  ‘Of course we do, he’s your son,’ Diana said. ‘Does Claudia’s mother know about him?’

  ‘She’s estranged from her mother, and with good reason.’ Fraser stood up and said, ‘I’ll leave you to talk about it. I have photographs and video clips if you want to see them later. I love you, and I respect you, but I won’t tolerate any criticism or bad feeling towards Claudia. She doesn’t deserve it.’

  ‘We wouldn’t do that, Fraser,’ Diana said. ‘I’m sorry, we were just confused.’

  Fraser nodded. ‘Yes, that’s understandable. I realise it might hurt, it certainly hurt me at first, but he’s a wonderful child, and we’ve been through a really bad experience together. I’ll tell you all about that another time. If you’d like to get settled in, I’ll see you back here in a couple of hours, and you can meet him.’

  ‘Surely you didn’t expect it to be easy, Fraser.’ Claudia said, when he arrived back at the cottage. ‘Some woman turns up and presents you with a one-year-old son, what were they to think?’

  ‘You’re not some woman,’ Fraser protested.

  ‘They don’t know that. Give them a chance to work through it. They just want to know where your child has been all this time.’ Claudia went to him, characteristically slid her arm through his. ‘You must help them over the initial period, your mom especially. Justin probably has mannerisms that you had at his age. She’ll experience them all again, and she’ll know exactly what she’s missed. Try and understand that.’

  Fraser bowed his head and kissed her hair. Times like that he wanted her to know how he felt. But Tony was right, that clumsy proposal was more like a business deal, so why should she believe he had come to love her so much, realised that he always had. He had to handle it very carefully, bide his time. She was worth the wait. He looked at her face, her eyes were questioning him.

  ‘What’s the matter now?’ she said.

  He smiled. ‘I’m so proud of you.’ It wasn’t what he really wanted to say about his feelings, but it helped to ease the ache in his soul, the longing to hold her, love her.

  ‘That makes you stressed?’

  ‘No, I’m not stressed.’ He hugged her, sighed against her hair, ‘My…my Claudia, what would I do without you?’

  ‘You don’t have to. I’m here, just like before, in the old days…yes?’

  Fraser had missed the old days, but now he wanted new days, a future with her and not just an echo of the past. Claudia had once settled for friendship when she wanted a deeper love. He knew that was what he must do, but for how long? Would those feelings she once had for him ever return? He smiled at her. ‘Sure,’ he said, ‘like the old days.’

  *****

  Claudia was about to take Justin back downstairs after changing his clothes, ready for meeting his grandparents. She stopped when she heard Fraser on his phone. She stepped back not wanting to interrupt him.

  ‘I can’t talk now,’ he said and clearly thought Claudia was out of earshot. ‘I’ll get back to you later. I promised I would, but I can’t discuss it now.’ He lowered his voice, but it still carried up the stairs.

  Claudia’s heart pounded, her insides twisted. She suppressed a sob in her throat. Just a few minutes ago, she was his Claudia, but now she had to admit that there would always be a Natalie or a Paloma. Was that what marriage would be like? Swinging from moments of affection to moments of reality when he was in touch with his old life?

  ‘This isn’t a good time,’ Fraser continued. ‘I’ll call you back later.’

  The caller seemed persistent. Claudia was about to go back to the bedroom when she heard Fraser say, ‘I know what I said, but I can’t possibly do that before I’ve had a chance to talk to Claudia about it.’

  Claudia held Justin tightly as she listened to a strange conversation that included her in some way.

  ‘Of course I’m going to do it,’ Fraser said sharply. ‘But when we discussed this, I couldn’t have anticipated Claudia’s accident. She needs to get over it. Damn it, she was almost killed. This isn’t going to be easy for her. She doesn’t deserve all this, and I won’t make a move until she’s had this holiday.’

  Claudia crept back into the bedroom. She controlled her emotions for Justin’s sake, but her mind raged. How could Fraser be so attentive and caring
but still retain a part of him for somebody else. Was it a betrayal? Or was it simply none of her business? To her surprise, Fraser came upstairs and called out to them. She very quickly slipped behind her mask.

  ‘Here he is,’ she called out, ‘all ready now.’

  Fraser beamed a smile. Claudia marvelled at his ability to do that as she handed Justin over to him. ‘Will you sort out what Justin is going to call your parents?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘It’s not what I think, it’s what they want. Will you ask them?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll ask them. Will you come with us?’

  For the first time, Claudia found her convalescence a handy excuse for wanting to be alone. ‘If you don’t mind, I’d rather stay here. I thought I’d get some rest while I’ve got the chance.’

  There was no argument.

  Later on, she persuaded Fraser to dine with the family while she got Justin to bed and then have a light supper in the cottage. Relieved that Justin slept after his busy time with his new grandparents, she lay on the bed, with the balcony doors open, and listened to the distant sounds of the family at dinner together.

  The phone call returned to her mind and stabbed her heart. Then anger suddenly pushed aside her pain, and she got to her feet and paced about the room. She hated the fact that this person was untouchable because of her anonymity. She went to see Justin, he was sleeping peacefully. ‘I’m not going to let people trample on our life like this, Justin,’ she whispered. ‘I won’t play this game. I’m not going to hang around to find out where we fit in with all these crazy things going on around us. I’ll smile through this holiday, play happy families in our cottage with flowers around the steps. But when it’s over…’

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Fraser met Tony, for morning coffee. They sat by the pool, enjoying the sunshine. Grace and Charlie occupied another table close by. Charlie was playing a small-world game with Stephanie, who put the tiny people involved carefully in place. She told her uncle what was happening as the scene played out. Charlie punctuated her running commentary with brief comments about where the people were going, and what they were doing.

  ‘So, you and Justin are roomies?’ Tony commented.

  ‘Claudia suggested I stay in Firenze, she was concerned that I wouldn’t be comfortable. But I’m fine, except that I find myself listening to him breathe.’

  ‘You’ve come a long way in a short time, that was one hell of a crash course in being a parent.’

  Fraser nodded. ‘It’s overwhelming sometimes. Not the work or the responsibility but the emotional part. Justin has to do so little to melt me down. A chuckle, a smile, that little frown he has when he’s working something out.’

  Tony glanced over to Stephanie and smiled. ‘Welcome to the club.’

  Fraser shook his head, and his fingers drummed on the table. ‘I was a complete stereotypical fool when I first found out about Justin,’ he said. ‘I laid the blame squarely at Claudia’s door. How old-fashioned is that?’

  ‘Don’t try and make sense of it. Whatever happened, Justin’s none the worse for it.’

  Grace laughed. ‘The thing that bugs you guys is that women can manage very well on their own.’

  Fraser laughed. ‘Is that right, Gracie? Did you learn that at med school?’

  ‘It’s the way it is now,’ Grace said. ‘But that doesn’t mean we don’t need you.’

  ‘That’s a comfort,’ Tony said. He topped up his coffee. ‘Have you seen your mom and dad this morning, Fraser?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘I assume they’re pleased about their new grandchild.’

  Fraser scowled. ‘He’s not so new, and that’s still a bit of a problem with Mom, even though she says she’s OK with it. They think he’s wonderful.’

  ‘So they should, he’s amazing.’

  ‘I’m going with them, to Florence, to get a belated birthday present for him. I’m afraid the word belated landed a bit heavy.’

  Lizzy and Claudia approached from the direction of the cottage, they were dressed in beachwear.

  ‘Is it any wonder that it bugs us?’ Tony said as he watched them. ‘They’ve each got a child in one arm, and a great big bag slung over their shoulder, which incidentally is a totally separate limb because it holds the bag on. But they still walk effortlessly. And what’s more, they can hold a conversation at the same time.’

  Lizzy and Claudia made for the loungers where, with one swift move, they offloaded the bags without stopping. Then their free hands gestured as they chatted on their way to the pool steps where they stopped and encouraged the children to call, ‘Hi, Daddy!’

  ‘You see,’ Tony continued, ‘look how they can juggle it all. They can open the boot of the car, haul a buggy out of it, have it unfolded in seconds and still not drop the baby. Lizzy does that before I can get a car park ticket.’ He frowned and slowly shook his head. ‘Can you imagine trying to manufacture a gadget that did all that?’ He slapped Fraser on the shoulder, leaned closer and lowered his voice. ‘Stop worrying about payback. Just love her.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Then tell her. Take a risk.’

  ‘I can’t, not yet. Two weeks ago, she came out of hospital. I have to give her time. She’s got so much on her plate right now. Besides, she’s already turned me down. She’ll think I’m putting on an act to get her to change her mind.’

  They watched and laughed as their little sons enjoyed the water. After a while, Lizzy made for the steps. Tony got to his feet, laughed and said, ‘OK, so the love of my life can do this all by herself, but I’m going to help her anyway because I’m the daddy.’

  Fraser’s eyes fixed on Claudia as she played with Justin. Her hair was tied back, but it was springing up into wet, shining spirals. She then held Justin, so he could put his feet on the steps and climb out of the water. He shrieked and chuckled each time his foot met with solid ground. Then Claudia found a dry stretch of paving slabs and held his hands so he could walk and make wet footprints. Fraser was impressed. Would he have thought of that, or would he just have thrown him in the air to make him giggle? Such simple things, and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off them.

  He heard Claudia and Justin’s voices counting up to three and then starting again until they made their way to the lounger. He followed Tony’s example and met them. He wrapped a towel around Justin, so that Claudia could rub her hair and put on a terry robe.

  ‘What time are you going to Florence?’ Claudia asked as they dressed Justin.

  ‘As soon as my folks turn up. Will you come with us?’

  ‘I think you’ll all enjoy it better if I don’t.’

  Diana and Graham arrived and stopped to speak to Grace. Fraser picked up Justin.

  ‘Off you go, you guys,’ Claudia said cheerfully. ‘There’s his kit bag. Don’t forget his hat. He keeps taking it off, but you must insist.’

  ‘How?’

  Claudia laughed. ‘You work it out, you’re the daddy.’

  ‘I wish you’d come with us.’

  ‘Why, because he won’t keep his hat on?’

  Fraser laughed. ‘You guessed.’

  ‘I’ll come and say hello.’

  Fraser was about to introduce Claudia to Diana and Graham, but she smiled and reached her hand towards Diana. ‘Hello, Mrs Gallier, I’m Claudia.’

  ‘Diana…please.’

  ‘I’m Graham,’ Fraser’s father said.

  Claudia shook his hand. ‘I’m thrilled that Justin’s going to know you. Grandparents are so important, aren’t they?’

  ‘Yes,’ Graham agreed, ‘they are.’

  ‘And I love the names you’ve chosen. He’s very quick to learn, and his words are really coming on. He’ll soon get the hang of them.’ She turned to Fraser. ‘Won’t he?’

  Fraser found himself watching Claudia again. He was glad of her ability to approach the occasion without seeming nervous or uncomfortable. He could see that she had charmed his parents, and any doubts they
still had were fading. Within a few minutes they were chatting, and Diana was telling Claudia about Fraser when he was the same age as Justin.

  Claudia looked at Justin. ‘You have a Nana and a Poppa, isn’t that brilliant?’ She clapped her hands to urge him to follow. Justin clapped and smiled.

  Fraser looked at the light in Claudia’s eyes. She was genuine in her wish for Justin, and she was dealing with this brilliantly. His parents were completely won over, and it was clear that they felt blessed.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Claudia returned to the cottage, showered away the pool water and dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. She was determined to make good use of this free time and decided to focus on a plan to ward off her mother. With the smell of freshly brewed coffee drifting in the air, she put her laptop on the table, a notepad and pen beside it, and her mug of coffee within reach. She took a deep breath to focus her mind, and then stared at the screen. Where to start? It had to be a good plan, so she knew it wouldn’t come easy. The simple solution would be to hand over the diaries, but that wasn’t just a case of giving up a pile of journals and notebooks, to give in to her mother would be to condone all that the woman had ever done. These things seemed much worse since she had witnessed how other families lived. Felt the love and consideration they had for one another. A catalogue of all the battles, rows, standoffs, defeats ran through her mind, page by page―the threats her mother had made, the ones she had coldly and callously carried out, and the ones she was poised to make now. This was the last stand. To lose now would mean that Alyona would have no voice, nor would that feisty, little tearaway who deserved some kind of payback. And for Lennie, she would do it for him too. Claudia had to win for all of them. The odds against her were stacked high, she wasn’t going to threaten her mother with a freshly baked cream horn this time. But at least that day in the smart tea shop confirmed that if Elsa Hamilton had a chink in her armour, that is exactly where it would be, in her work, her precious agency and her image. By lunchtime, a blank screen and pages of useless notes, adorned with flowery doodles, had come to nothing. She had explored every angle except…