Alyona's Voice

by Joan Shirley-Davies

  Later on, when Justin and Eddy had fallen asleep, and Stephanie’s eyes were closing, even though she tried not to let them, Diana and Graham insisted on taking Justin to their suite, so the party could continue. Nathan and Ruth took Stephanie and Eddie.

  It was such fun to be with grown-ups for a whole evening, even if the subject of conversation returned to Claudia’s career in the ranch.

  Earlier in the day, Grace had been on-line to search for it and had watched two episodes. Everybody listened to her account of it. She described a 14-year-old Claudie, with her wild, curly hair, her Stetson hat raised as she pulled up her horse and waved.

  ‘Mathew Jay!’ Grace expelled a sigh of lust, which attracted everybody’s attention. ‘Now I know what Paige was talking about. When he rode up with that herd of horses… Wow!’ She hardly had time to catch a breath before she continued. ‘That scene when he was covered in dust from the trail, and he stood in the stream, fully clothed, and washed it off.’

  ‘Well, at least he didn’t take his clothes off,’ Eliot said.

  ‘He didn’t need to,’ Grace answered with a laugh, ‘I did that for him.’

  Claudia realised that Fraser hadn’t told them about her relationship with Mathew. She said nothing, it would be too embarrassing for Grace if she told them now.

  Tony looked at his sister in surprise. ‘Who spiked Grace’s wine?’ he said. ‘She hasn’t lusted over a movie star since she was 15.’

  ‘It’s not the wine,’ Charlie spoke up, like a preacher in the pulpit. ‘It’s the snug jeans, the fancy, leather boots, and the way his sinful butt sits in the saddle that leads to temptation.’

  Lizzy laughed. ‘So you saw it too, Charlie?’

  ‘I certainly did.’ He pretended to be stern. ‘A man’s got to keep a check on his wife’s fantasies about men, fresh off the trail and washing the dust off in the stream.’

  Claudia felt Fraser draw in a sharp breath and decided that he was tired of hearing about Mathew Jay.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Claudia looked at the mellow, amber lighting that spilled around the pool. ‘Doesn’t it look tranquil at night? It has a calming effect on you. Or maybe it’s the wine. I don’t normally drink that much.’

  ‘You didn’t drink much this evening either,’ Fraser said. ‘You’re over-cautious because of Justin.’ He slipped his arm around Claudia’s back as they walked towards the cottage.

  ‘Do you think he’ll be OK?’ Claudia said.

  ‘They said they’d call if he needed us.’

  ‘It feels strange. I’ve had a whole day without responsibility and now a whole night. Your family’s amazing. You’re all so close.’

  ‘We’re not saints, we have our moments. You’ve been adopted now, there’s no getting away. You’ve certainly charmed my parents.’

  ‘They needed a bit of reassurance, that’s all.’

  At the cottage, they hovered in the dining area. Claudia noticed the Champagne was still on the table. ‘Oh no,’ she sighed, disappointment rang in her voice. ‘I didn’t put a stopper in the bottle.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’

  ‘But it’s a bottle of Cristal, and it’s almost full.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter now.’

  ‘Of course it matters.’

  Fraser’s voice raised a little. ‘It’s served its purpose. It was just to wish you happy birthday.’

  ‘It was a very generous gesture, and I appreciated it, so I won’t discard it as if it was nothing.’ She put a stopper in the bottle.

  Fraser then became irritated. ‘This is the beautiful Mathew talking? I’m beginning to recognise his influence on you.’

  ‘Why shouldn’t I be influenced by somebody’s wisdom?’

  Fraser looked at her, his eyes lost the warmth she had enjoyed during the evening. ‘But you reflect his angle on life, as if you’re determined to hold onto him. You’re never going to forget him, are you?’

  ‘No, I’m not. Why would I?’

  ‘Because he left you,’ Fraser said bluntly. ‘Now you keep the flame burning in the hope that you’ll get him back. You’ve probably got a picture of him in your pendant.’

  Claudia glared at him, her heart was twisting as she defended a man she once loved dearly against a man who was the love of her life. ‘Mathew doesn’t need to be in my locket, he already has a place to stay.’

  Fraser’s jaw tightened, and he seemed agitated. ‘Sure he does, deep down in your heart, no doubt.’ His words were streaked with jealousy. ‘No wonder you turned me down. He set the bar too high for anybody else. Who can compete with a guy you remember every time you look at a damn pinecone?’

  Claudia stared in surprise. Jealousy wasn’t an emotion she had ever seen in Fraser. ‘How do you know about that?’

  ‘I watched you, that first day we met in the park. You picked up a pinecone and ran it down your cheek. It was obvious that it meant―’

  ‘Everything!’ Claudia bit back. ‘That memory meant everything. But what do you know about love? What makes you entitled to know all about my one past relationship?’

  Fraser seemed to emerge from his jealousy as if he had mentally checked his attitude. He drew a long breath that enabled him to speak quietly. ‘Forgive me, I’ve spoken out of turn.’

  There was a chilled silence, but Claudia was offended and decided to make something clear to Fraser. ‘I’ll just tell you a couple of things about Mathew, and then perhaps you can leave my personal memories where they are.’

  ‘Claudia, no, it’s OK…’

  ‘I’d rather tell you,’ Claudia insisted, ‘even if you think it’s ridiculous. Mathew used to tell me I was like a pinecone in winter, tightly curled up, afraid of being warm enough to open up and trust people. His analogy made me understand.’ She gulped down a lump that suddenly gripped her throat, and then she continued. ‘And so did the Champagne thing. He wanted to help me understand that life wasn’t a work in progress. He was being too kind. He should have just told me outright. My beautiful man was…was trying to say goodbye…he was trying to tell me that he was dying.’ She saw the shock in Fraser’s face but continued. ‘The terrible irony was that his big, kind, warm heart was failing him. I wanted to stay with him, take care of him. He was very determined and even got angry with me for trying to change his mind. He checked into a nursing home and asked me to say goodbye while he was still on his feet. I clung to him, I couldn’t let him go, but he made me leave, didn’t want me to witness him fading away. I was devastated. I loved him so much.’ Tears blurred her vision, but she remained strong. ‘I had lessons to teach me how to make an entrance, nobody taught me how to make an exit like that.’ She blinked away the tears and stared at Fraser’s face, he’d become pale. ‘All your shallow relationships together couldn’t measure up to what we shared. So don’t you dare mock my time with him…don’t you dare.’ Fraser was visibly shaken, but he made no attempt to speak or move, he seemed stunned, stared at the floor, his shoulders lifting and dropping as he drew breath. Claudia was still angry with him for bringing jealousy and conflict into their relationship. They had made wonderful progress, and he had snatched it away. ‘You talk to me about being second best? Well, I know how that feels. Movie stars and all the tall, beautiful celebrities you’ve known. Compare them to me―it’s a no brainer.’

  Fraser’s eyes suddenly came alive. ‘That’s not true! I’d never offer another woman your place in my life―never.’

  ‘Of course not, I’m the Prima Donna now. I gave you a son. That put me on the A-list. Until then my love for you wasn’t enough, I had to bring much more to the table than that.’

  ‘You have no idea how I feel,’ Fraser said in a quiet, controlled voice. ‘How I felt sitting by your hospital bed, not knowing what…what to expect.’

  ‘Of course I’ve no idea, you’ve never told me. I didn’t know you felt jealous of Mathew either, I had to find out during a fight. Is this what marriage would be like for us? Bitter arguments, jealous
fights, kiss and make up and then off to bed? I’m not ready for that.’

  Fraser was grave, his face pale as he said quietly, ‘I’m truly sorry about Mathew. I’m mortified that I insulted his memory. I admit I was jealous of him. I don’t recall feelings like that before. But I envied a successful, good-looking, heroic man who was still alive and well. A guy who could snap his fingers and get you back any time he wanted. I had no idea what had actually happened. I hope, one day, I can make amends.’ He stared at her for a few moments, then he turned swiftly and made for the door. ‘Forgive me… Goodnight!’

  Claudia willed him to change his mind, turn back and hold her. Suddenly, the kiss and make up idea seemed good. They had both been cruel and bitter, they had never quarrelled before, sharp banter was the closest they had ever come to it. She desperately wanted him back, but as she stared at the door, it was clear that he was gone. She paced about for some time, and then wearily climbed the stairs up to her room.

  She changed out of her eveningwear and put on a short, cool nightdress. It had thin straps, so she could feel as cool as possible. She lay on top of the covers.

  For a long time she tossed about, but there was no hope of sleep to pass a night of torment. Her eyes were dry as if she had no tears left. She got up and went to the balcony. Few lights burned in the villa. Was one of them Fraser’s? He was obviously not staying here tonight. Then she saw him. He was out there, slumped in a chair by the pool. His dark clothes hardly visible in the mellow light, but his face was lit. She could just make out his hand beating up and down on the table. She stood for a long time, unable to turn from him. Then, at last, he glanced up. She raised her hand in a feeble wave. ‘Please come back,’ she whispered, as if the balmy night air would carry her message. ‘Please come back. I love you.’

  It was as if he heard. He got up and walked towards the cottage. For several seconds he went from her sight. Was he coming to see her? She couldn’t tell. Then she saw his face in the shadows beneath her, now lit by the moon.

  ‘I should serenade you,’ he said, ‘but I don’t know any Russian songs, so what am I to do?’

  ‘A guy who can fly like Icarus, and not get burnt, should be able to work something out.’

  ‘You’d think so.’ He was silent for a moment and then he said, ‘It’s a risky punt, but if I come back, will you kick me out, or can I stay awhile? I’ve behaved like a coward, allowed my own possessive feelings to get out of hand. I hid behind the trauma of your accident when I should become stronger because of it. I know how you hate to fight,’ he paused a moment and then added, ‘and I’m truly sorry. If you’ll forgive me, I’ll be able to get some sleep, and maybe you will too. Otherwise, you’ll be tired for your trip with Lizzy tomorrow.’

  ‘I told you before, I only need three hours. Why don’t you come back, and we can talk some more? Don’t forget I rescued the Champagne, and it’s still my birthday.’

  Claudia opened the bedroom door, but Fraser was standing there holding the bottle of Cristal. He had two upturned glasses between the fingers of his other hand. The anger had gone from his eyes, but he still seemed tense. ‘Mathew’s absolutely right,’ he said. ‘We shouldn’t assume there’s an unlimited supply.’ He set down the glasses on the dressing table, poured the sparkling drinks and then offered a glass to Claudia. ‘I should know that already,’ he said. ‘I thought I’d always have my friend, right there in her apartment where I could find her when I needed her. And then, in the hospital when I sat with Justin, I thought we’d lost you. That’s what he meant, isn’t it?’ He smiled, and his eyes lit with affection. ‘You know, Paloma Cardini used to get really hacked off when I talked about you.’

  Claudia expelled a gentle laugh. ‘Quite right too. A girl doesn’t want to hear a guy talking about other women.’

  They sat on the bed and sipped their drink as they talked, mainly about old times, sometimes about Justin, a little about daffodils. When their glasses were empty, Fraser put them onto the bedside table. ‘Am I forgiven―just a little?’

  ‘Yes,’ Claudia said. ‘I know my accident caused you a lot of worry, and I can’t bear to think how it must have hurt you to see Justin so upset. But why didn’t you talk to me about it? You’ve been sharing your troubles with me for a long time, why give up now?’

  Fraser drew a long breath as if he didn’t know how to begin. He turned to her and looked directly into her eyes. ‘God, Claudia, I thought you’d gone, your body was there, but it was so cold.’ His voice was laced with panic, Claudia had never witnessed this kind of emotion in him before. ‘You didn’t know me. Your eyes just stared. I couldn’t deal with it…my Claudia, not to know me, not to know Justin. It was hell, and I’m still trying to deal with it.’

  Times like this Claudia would link her arm in his and say something cheery or supportive, but instead she made the move she always wanted to make. Put her arms around his shoulders, reached her face into the hollow of his neck, then pressed her lips softly onto his flesh. Such a gentle kiss, but she felt Fraser’s body shiver, and a groan juddered through his chest as he put his arms around her.

  ‘We’re supposed to be talking.’ His voice was hoarse and restrained as he whispered against her head.

  ‘We didn’t agree on the language,’ she told him. ‘I like this better.’

  ‘I hope you understand what’s being said?’ Fraser pulled her closer to him and pressed his mouth to her naked shoulder. Her flesh shivered, and she suppressed a sigh against his bowed head. The balmy scent of the Tuscan evening drifted into the room, fanned by the flimsy, lawn curtains that fluttered, twisted and danced. Fraser kissed her neck, her jaw and then her mouth. She could feel how his solid body trembled with restraint as she slid her hands beneath his polo shirt and eased it upwards, over his chest. Then there was no more talk, save for the secret dialogue shared by their bodies, a potent, arousing language clearly understood by both. Claudia had so much love for him and had kept it carefully hidden, but now it fled from her control, and she no longer questioned what was in his heart. His body loved her, adored her, worshipped every inch of her, his touch told her so, until it appeased her inflamed senses.

  In the stillness of sated peace, Claudia rested her hand on Fraser’s chest, he clasped her fingers, turned his head and smiled at her. He had uttered fevered words of love, a feast for a heart that had hungered for them for so long. If this was the only time he could say them, when he was on fire for the want of her, then she would embrace it. She smiled as she looked up to the ceiling where the shadow curtains danced, voyeurs entwined in a ghostly pas de deux, as if to mimic what they had witnessed beneath them.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Claudia felt ten feet tall when she spotted Fraser, he was sitting by the pool, watching a game—Justin and Eliot versus Tony and little Eddy. The baby cousins were shrieking and laughing as they pushed a large, coloured ball about.

  Claudia’s loose tunic top rippled gently in the breeze, her colourful skirt fluttered about her legs as she walked. Fraser waved and smiled, and when she arrived, he kissed her and held her for several fabulous seconds.

  ‘Hi, sweetheart,’ he said, against her cheek. The tone of his voice, the warmth of the kiss, made her feel so special, like she was loved and cherished. Last time she made love with Fraser, she got a note. This time, he was there in the morning, with a kiss and hug. She didn’t allow herself to question it. Today she was number one. The only woman ever to get a proposal of marriage, and that offer was still open.

  ‘Why don’t you look tired?’ Fraser said.

  ‘I’m bluffing. Besides, you did the early morning shift while I stayed in bed.’

  ‘You look beautiful,’ Fraser said, ‘artistic.’

  ‘If I’m going to be admiring the Fountain of Neptune, or perhaps David, then I should dress accordingly, don’t you think?’ She looked at the pool and smiled. ‘Didn’t you feel like swimming?’

  ‘It wasn’t planned, Eliot turned up and invited Justin to join him.�
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  ‘Justin loves his new family.’

  ‘It’s your family too.’ Fraser clasped her hand. ‘Claudia…’ he hesitated for a moment as if he found the words difficult to say. Then he continued. ‘That child has completed my life. I had no idea what a great void there was until I saw him. I’m beginning to understand what you went through. I only had to care for him for a short while by comparison, and I had a lot of help. I didn’t want to leave that unsaid any longer. I wanted to put things right before you went today.’

  Claudia smiled, a verbal response wouldn’t seem right.

  ‘We’ll miss you today,’ Fraser said.

  ‘Oh, don’t! I feel so guilty going off for the whole day. I know you must be tired too.’

  Fraser laughed. ‘Justin’s bound to crash out for at least an hour after this, so maybe I’ll catch up then. We’re having lunch with Mom and Dad, and then I thought we could walk along the footpath behind the cottage. There’s a stream, and it’s very pleasant up there among the trees. So don’t rush back. Go…glean through the Flea Market, but try and leave something for everybody else.’

  The sound of a car horn made them turn back to the Villa Firenze. Lizzy was waiting in a beautiful, dark blue convertible.

  ‘She means to drive you in style,’ Fraser commented.

  Claudia waved to her, slung her bag over her shoulder and said, ‘Call me if…’ She stopped as Fraser pressed a credit card in her hand. ‘Fraser, don’t,’ Claudia protested. ‘I can’t take it.’

  ‘Please…’ Fraser gently closed her fingers around the card. ‘You must, at some stage, learn to accept what I can give you. Do some shopping, anything you want… Humour me.’

  *****

  Claudia sighed, closed her eyes and tilted her head back. Curls or no curls, she allowed her hair to blow about. ‘This is ridiculous,’ she said with a laugh.