Never Letting Go

by Kristin MacQueen

  “I swear you need to get a filter.”

  “Does she ever shut up?” Noah asks. I turn around so I'm facing him for the first time today. He looks sexy as hell. His hair’s an absolute mess, sticking up in every direction. He’s still tired which somehow makes him look more attractive.

  “It’s not possible to make her shut up, I’ve tried before. The best thing to do is ignore her, she’ll get tired soon.”

  “You know I can hear you, right?” Miranda’s voice rises with her anger.

  Noah gives me a small smile. He raises his hand up, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before he strokes my cheek with his thumb. His gaze drops to my lips, my breath catches in my throat. I’ve never wanted to be kissed as much as I do right now. I want him to claim my lips and make him mine.

  “Thank you for staying with me last night.”

  “I’d do anything for you.”

  “Will you leave so she can have time with her best friend?” Miranda pipes up again. I grab my pillow and throw it over my shoulder hitting her in the face. My gaze never leaves Noah’s. His deep green eyes are captivating, I can't break our contact. “If you won’t leave can we at least invite this hot Liam guy over.”

  “Did someone say my name?” A voice asks from the door. I glance over my shoulder and am shocked to find Liam standing in the doorway. What the hell’s he doing here?

  My eyes snap to Miranda, her face lights up when she scans Liam up and down. He’s one hundred percent her type, male and gorgeous.

  Liam’s eyes zero in on Noah and I, he isn't happy that Noah’s in my bed. I don’t feel bad, I don’t have a boyfriend and nothing happened between Noah and I.

  Oh, but it could have. Something would’ve happened if Liam didn’t interrupt last night.

  “Liam, this is my best friend Miranda. Miranda, this is Noah’s best friend Liam.”

  Soft finger tips brush my hair away from my neck, I shiver when a warm breath fans over the exposed skin.

  “I’m trade up, I want you back. You’re my best friend again.” Noah whispers into my ear.

  I want to let out a squeal, throw my arms around his neck and never let go. I want him and so much more. Instead of doing any of it, I give him a small nod.

  “You want that too, babe?”

  I swallow hard, my hands shaking with anticipation. I give him another nod, his hand squeezes my hip before he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me back against him again.

  “Well, bestie, what are we doing today?” Miranda’s eyes leave Liam’s and focuses back on me and Noah.

  “Oh, uh, Liam’s taking me to a party tonight.”

  “Well, who’s taking me then?”

  I can't help the laugh that burst free from me. This is Miranda at her finest. If she isn't invited to something, she’ll invite herself and force someone to be her date.

  “I'm not taking her; I want to take you.” Noah whispers in my ear again.

  Liam’s gaze hardens when he catches Noah whispering in my ear. He’s angry Noah’s in my bed but he’s trying to hide it. He’s not as good at hiding his emotions as Noah is though. It’s obvious he’s mad.

  “Noah, why don’t you take Miranda, since I'm taking Frankie.” Liam gives Noah a triumphant little smirk. Noah stiffens behind me; the room’s filled with an unspoken tension.

  “I think these old besties want some time together, maybe you should take me, handsome.” Miranda runs her finger down Liam’s chest like the experienced flirt she is. She knows how to make a guy putty in her hand.

  “I wanted to take Frankie, I asked her the first day of school.” Liam stays firm which only frustrates Miranda. She’s absolutely gorgeous, definitely not used to hearing the word no from a guy.

  “But I want to go with the hottest guy, that’s definitely you.” She purrs.

  Liam rolls his eyes; I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen him without a smile on his face.

  “How about we all just go as a group and not couples? That way everyone can be happy.” I suggest with a weak smile. I know the guys won’t be thrilled about my idea though.

  “You said you’d go with me.” Liam stares into my eyes, pleading with me to go with him. The problem is, if I still go with him, I feel like that will put me in a weird place with Noah. I'm not going to risk my relationship with Noah, he’s too important to me.

  “If either one of you is waiting for me to choose one of you, it isn't going to happen. I'm not going to pick one of you, I’ll just stay home.”

  “Don’t do that.” Liam pouts.

  “We can go as a group.” Noah’s voice has hardened since the other two came into my room. He only ever uses his soft sweet voice on me.

  “Sounds great! Now boys, get out so we can have some time to talk about both of you and get ourselves dolled up for tonight.” Miranda pushes Liam out the door and continues to the steps. “I’ll be back up in five minutes, Noah better be gone!” She calls as they descend the stairs.

  “I’m sorry for Miranda. She was supposed to come next weekend not this weekend.” I turn around so I can face Noah once again. His eyes are soft and full of something I can't place. It’s like he can see into my soul, everything I’ve tried to keep to myself.

  “It’s ok. It’s not like we planned last night... I'm sorry I complicated things.”

  “It’s fine. I'm happy to have my Noah back.”

  “Three minutes!” Miranda shouts up the stairs. Noah lets out a groan as he rolls onto his back.

  “I feel like my time with you always has a limit.”

  “Maybe you can sleep over again after Miranda goes home... Last night was the first time I’ve slept through the night since my dad died. I've been exhausted, Noah, you holding me calmed the storm raging inside of me, you quieted my mind and let me get some sleep.”

  “I'm glad I can help you relax. I’ll be here any time you call.”

  “You better get up before she comes back up here. She isn't exactly subtle.”

  “I'm going.” He grumbles as he stands, stretches his arms over his head. He exposes a small strip of skin; I swear my mouth waters. It isn't fair how gorgeous every inch of his body is. He whips off his shirt, his back to me and throws on his shirt from yesterday. “Maybe I should go change in the closet, I'm afraid a fly’s going to land in your mouth, it’s hanging open so wide.”

  I grab my only remaining pillow, chucking it at him. His deep laugh fills the air, I want to listen to his laugh every single day of my life. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

  He grabs his jeans off the floor and quickly changes in the closet. It’s probably better, if Miranda walked in on him, she’d be all over that body.

  He walks out folding the clothes I gave him. Placing them gently on the edge of the bed before coming to stand in front of me. Taking my hand in his, he pulls me to my feet and wraps his arms around me. I melt my body into his, he makes me whole, he protects me.

  “I’ll see you in a little bit, babe. We can ride to the party in my jeep.” He kisses my cheek just inches from my lips. I want to let out a sound of frustration, let him know I want more but my mom’s right. I can't afford a broken heart right now. I need to take this slow, figure out exactly what I want before I jump in with both feet. Noah will always be my past, but can he be my future too?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Frankie

  “I'm so confused on what’s happened since I talked to you on the phone.”

  “Noah apologized. He told me how he doesn’t know how to handle us, he wants to fix things but isn't sure how. He isn't this pissed at the world, broody football player that everyone sees him as, he’s still my sweet, loving Noah.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “He told me that after I moved, he was angry. He lost the person who meant most to him in the world and he didn’t know how to function anymore. He said the things he once enjoyed; he no longer did. He knew he was changing but he didn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t want
to walk around with a permanent glare but he doesn’t know how to be happy.”

  “Why would you want to be with him then?”

  “Because my Noah is still in there. He lets his guard down around me, I see that side of him when we’re alone.”

  “But he’s still an ass.”

  “Only when other people are around.”

  She holds up her hands in defense.

  “I'm not trying to argue if he’s good enough. No one will ever be good enough for you, Frankie. All I'm saying is you deserve a guy who smears your lipstick, not your mascara. I don’t want to see you with someone who makes you cry; I want to see you with a guy who shows you what it means to be loved. Love is only a word until someone shows you what it’s like to be loved.”

  “I know. I don’t really know what to do. Noah was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend but I don’t know him now. I think I always compared other guys to him even if it was unintentional. Liam’s a breath of fresh air though. Always a smile on his face, always happy to see me and goes out of his way to be nice. I don’t want to pick one of them.”

  “Then don’t.”

  I blink in surprise at her. What does that even mean? I can't lead both of them on, when I have no clue who I want.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Has either one of them asked you out?”

  “Liam asked me to go to the party with him tonight.”

  “But did he ask you on a real date.”

  “Yes, for next weekend... I told him no.”

  “What! Why? #TeamLiam!”

  “Because you were supposed to visit me next weekend!”

  “What did he say?”

  “He was bummed but understood. He told me he’s interested in dating me, I said I wasn’t ready.”

  “You’re not ready? What have you done with my best friend? A hot guy asks you out and you say I'm not ready.” She paces back and forth in my room; her hands are either flying through the air as she talks or places firmly on her hips when she’s silent. “Is it this town? Is it messing with your head?”

  “Stop being so dramatic. I just can't right now.”

  She flops back on my bed, turning her head to stare at me.

  “Tell me what you’re trying to hide.” I let out a long breath, gaze down at my hands as I try to put my thoughts into words.

  “I can't put myself out there... not yet. My heart is in a million pieces after losing my dad, I can't afford to break it again. I don’t think I can handle more pain right now. I need to keep my distance from both of them.”

  “You can try, but they aren’t going to let you. They both have their sights on you and I think they’re willing to play dirty to win... I have to ask, why was Noah in your bed?”

  The tears start to form before I can stop them. They build up and slowly trickle down my cheeks.

  “I haven’t been able to sleep since my dad died.”

  “Oh, sweetie!” Miranda rushes to my side and throws her arms around me. She holds me tight as I cry, I feel like all I do is cry anymore. I hate crying.

  “I fell asleep on him when we were watching a movie, I slept better than I have in weeks. When my mom woke us up, I begged that she let him sleep over. I'm shocked that she let him, but I told her how I'm not sleeping. I never woke up last night, never had a nightmare. It’s because of Noah.”

  “Why’s he calling you baby?” Miranda’s voice is soft, full of understanding and comforting. She’s the perfect friend.

  “He called me Kiki...”

  “No! Aww, darling, I'm so sorry!”

  “Noah’s the one who came up with the nickname, I understand why he said it but I cried. I told him it was ok to call me Kiki and he asked Won’t that upset you, babe? I told him I liked the sound of babe better.”

  “You love him.” She doesn’t say it like it’s a question, from her viewpoint, it’s a fact.

  “I’ve always loved Noah.”

  “No, you’re in love with him.”

  “I can't be in love with him, he’s so much different than he was four years ago. We know nothing about each other now.”

  “The heart doesn’t listen to reason, Frankie. It wants what it wants, your heart knows things your mind can't explain.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Noah

  I pace back and forth in my room. I want to see Frankie; I want to talk to her. It’s killing me that I don’t have her phone number, I can't even text her. Pacing out onto my balcony, I stare across the yard to Frankie’s window. Miranda’s moving around like a crazy person. She’s pulling one thing after another out of the closet and throwing them on the floor or the bed. Frankie says something to her before she walks out onto the balcony. Her head drops back as she looks up at the sky. She looks beautiful but frustrated.

  I grab a pebble out of the tin canister at me feet and toss it over at her. It hits her leg making her scowl. She glances over at me, a slow smile spreading across those gorgeous lips. Scribbling words across my dry erase board, I turn it towards Frankie, showing her my message.

  I miss you.

  Her smile gets even bigger. She darts back inside for a second, reappearing with her own dry erase board. She scribbles across it before turning it around.

  You saw me an hour ago.

  It’s been too long. Come visit me.

  Miranda would kill me.

  She glances over her shoulder, says something to Miranda before dropping her head back in frustration.

  She wants me to wear a dress tonight.

  I’d give anything to see Frankie all dressed up. Not because I think she’ll look better but because I’ve never seen her dressed up. She was more of a tomboy when we were little. I won’t ask her to get dressed up though. I want her to be comfortable.

  You’ll look amazing in anything.

  Thanks, Noah.

  What’s your cell phone number?

  I hold my breath as I wait for her next message. I want to be able to contact her even if she isn't on her balcony. I don’t want her to be able to close me out like she did the other night, when she went back inside. Having her cell phone number will give me access to her at all times. Damn, that sounds controlling. I don’t mean it like that, I just need her sometimes. She makes me feel free, I can let my guard down.

  As soon as she turns her sign around, I pull my phone out of my pocket and type in her number. I press the call button, chuckling when she rushes into her room to grab her ringing phone.

  “Hey,” Her sweet voice fills the line, instantly calming the storm raging inside of me. Whenever she isn't around me, I feel unsettled.

  “Hey, babe.”

  “You really missed me that much, huh?” She bites down on her bottom lip to try to hide her smile, but she fails.

  “I’ve got a few years to make up for... Are you going to be ok tonight?”

  “What do you mean?” Her brows furrow together as she stares at me.

  “If Miranda’s over, I can’t exactly sleep over.”

  She doesn’t say a word, just stares at me from across the yard. I want to take it back, rewind to before I asked if she’d be ok tonight. Obviously, I said something she doesn’t like.

  “Noah...”

  “No, it’s fine, Frankie. You don’t need to say anything.” I can hear the sharpness in my own voice. My chest aches from her rejection, I knew this was too much too fast.

  “Don’t do that.” She whispers.

  “Do what?” I try my hardest not to snap at her but I can't hide the snarl in my voice. It’s an automatic response these days.

  But it isn't with her. She doesn’t deserve that.

  My heart screams at me to let my walls down, let her in. She needs to see that the old me is still there but my mind shuts it down.

  “Don’t push me away. You don’t know what I was going to say. Don’t jump to conclusions, Noah. Not with me.” Her voice is full of pain and sorrow. I feel like I disappoint her each time I show her the new me.

 
I scrub a hand over my face before I meet her gaze.

  “I'm sorry, Frankie. I told you, I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to get back to who I used to be.”

  “You don’t need to change for me. You just need to let me in.”

  “Can we pretend I didn’t snap at you?” My eyes plead with her to let this one go. I don’t plan on making it a habit to need forgiveness from her.

  “As long as you can pretend I don’t cry a hundred times a day.” Her smile is sad, I can see the tears filling her eyes from here.

  “Baby...”

  “No. No, I'm ok. I'm not going to cry.” She fans a hand in front of her face, blinking rapidly and looking up at the sky.

  “You know your tears don’t bother me, right? Not when they're from missing your dad. If you cry because I hurt you, that will bother me but not this.”

  “Before... I was going to say, I can't expect you to sleep next to me every night, Noah. It just isn't possible. Our parents won’t allow it.”

  “I’ll talk to them; I’ll make them understand. You know my parents love you, they’d do anything to make things easier for you.”

  “What happens next year? We’ll go to different colleges. We’ll date others and I doubt any boyfriend or girlfriend would be cool with me sleeping in your arms every night.”

  “I don’t know, Frankie. But why can't I make this easier for you now? At least for a little.”

  “I need to learn to deal with the pain by myself.” She turns her back to me; I know she’s trying to keep her distance.

  “Don’t push me away.”

  “I'm not trying to, Noah. I'm just trying to protect myself.”

  “From what?”

  “You.”

  “I’d never hurt you, Frankie.”

  “I gotta go.” She says right before the line goes dead.

  My mouth falls open and closed as I try to figure out what just happened. I sprint down the stairs, out the door and to Frankie’s side door. I pound on it until Mrs. Valdo opens the door.

  “Noah? What’s wrong?”