All I Want For Christmas

by Emily Forbes

  While it seemed as if Tom had forgiven her for letting him believe she'd willingly terminated her pregnancy—certainly he hadn't blamed her for the miscarriage—it still didn't alter the fact that Elena was the woman who would be the mother of his child.

  And, despite his tendency to run when life didn't go quite to plan, she instinctively knew that becoming a father was one surprise he'd embrace with open arms. He'd never run from a commitment to his child, no matter how many complications were brought into his life as a consequence.

  Tom hadn't made any promises, he had no obligation to her. She certainly couldn't make any demands, she had no claim whatsoever.

  Once again, their relationship was doomed because of a pregnancy.

  History was repeating itself, with an ironic twist. Because this time she'd give anything to be the one announcing her pregnancy to Tom.

  Lexi felt an itch on her ankle—mosquitoes. She slapped the offending insect with more force than necessary, stinging her leg in the process.

  She rubbed the sore patch, looking up as she heard someone approach. Tom was walking up the path towards her.

  She summoned courage and, she hoped, some small measure of the graciousness she definitely wasn't feeling. ‘Congratulations.’

  'Thanks. It's a bit of a shock.'

  'I remember.' She wasn't sounding so gracious now, but so what? It was clearly all over between her and Tom. That night of the storm had been the only one they'd have. She wished for a crazy moment that she hadn't learnt from her mistakes in the past and that they hadn't taken precautions this time. But they had, so she'd never get the chance to carry Tom's baby again.

  'I'm sorry you had to find out that way.'

  'It makes no difference how I know. How far along is she?'

  'About eighteen weeks, she thinks.'

  Four months. 'But I thought you'd been separated for longer than that. You told me you were going to be divorced soon.' She felt a band tighten across her chest, anger that her suspicions had been right and he had lied. But why?

  'We separated about nine months ago but met up again at a benefit in July and Elena wanted to try again.'

  'What about you?'

  'I needed to know I'd done everything I could to make it work, so I agreed. I'd always thought if I got married it'd be forever, but within a matter of days I knew, we both did, that it wasn't going to work. '

  'Why?'

  He was looking into the distance, remembering. 'We just weren't a good fit. Nothing against her, nothing against me. We just wanted different things.'

  Lexi’s hopes of a future with him might be lying shredded at her feet, but she was consoled a little by the fact that he hadn't really lied. 'But you always wanted children.'

  'Elena didn't.'

  'She seems to have changed her mind.'

  'It's ironic, given one of the things we fought over was having a family.'

  'I would've thought that was one reason why you got married.'

  'It was for me, but not for Elena, though I didn't find that out until after the wedding. Now she's actually pregnant, I guess she feels differently.'

  'She's not what I imagined her to be.'

  'No?'

  'She's very...polished. Not a hair out of place. Did you ever take her surfing?' Lexi couldn't resist asking the question.

  Tom raised a smile. 'Elena didn't go near water unless it was in a chilled glass. I learnt the hard way that when you spend a small fortune on looking good, you don't let anything spoil it.'

  'You sound like you didn't know her at all. Why on earth did you get married?'

  Tom's slight smile disappeared in an instant. 'I was a bit of a mess when I arrived in Sydney. I knew a couple of people up there and I threw myself into the social scene with them. Trying to forget.' He didn't expand on the phrase but she knew what he'd been trying to forget—she'd been such an idiot, throwing away their chance. 'Elena and I sort of fell into a relationship and when she started talking about marriage I thought that was what I wanted, what I needed to do to move on. It turned out that she wanted to get married because all her friends were and she thought I'd be a "suitable" husband. Obviously, I didn't live up to her expectations. We got married for all the wrong reasons and I'm not sure now what the right ones are.'

  'It might be wise next time to start with love.' Where had that come from? Lexi turned her face away before Tom could read her feelings. She knew they were written plainly on her face but she wasn't putting her feelings out in the open without some encouragement from him.

  He scoffed. 'Next time? I don't think I can put myself through it again.'

  'Not even for love?' She tried to keep the cajoling note from her voice.

  'Who's to say that's even enough? I thought I'd be married forever. It wasn't something I took lightly but it was a disaster. Almost the biggest mistake of my life.' He looked at her now, shrugged one shoulder, spread his hands out in apology. 'I didn't mean to burden you with all this.'

  'I don't mind listening if you want to talk.' She didn't want him to go.

  But she couldn't make him stay.

  'Thanks. But I need to get my head around it all. I need to make sense of it alone. No one else can do that for me.' He stood up. 'I'd better get going. I'm afraid I won't be very good company.'

  Lexi wanted to grab him by the scruff of his neck and shake some sense into him, but what was the point? She recognized the behavior. He still thought being strong meant not burdening others with his troubles, meant going away to hide in his cave until he'd solved all his problems alone. Running away. Yet she knew instinctively he wouldn't run away from his child.

  She also knew she was in another category altogether. Elena's news had changed the situation between them. Would he deal with it? Talk it through? See that they could come up with a solution that would let them be together?

  Or was he going to keep running?

  'Have you got a minute?'

  Lexi had barely seen Tom in the last three days and had assumed he was avoiding her. She knew he had a lot of sorting out to do. She knew he tended to do that alone. Still, it hurt to think that he could so easily shut her out. Moreover, if he stayed true to form, he'd leave Pelican Beach without ever talking the situation through with her, let alone giving her the opportunity to let him know she wanted another chance.

  She searched his face, looking for a sign she'd been wrong, that he was ready to let her close again, but he was a closed book and her heart sank a little more. So, she kept it impersonal. 'I'm just signing Rick's death certificate. The lab results have come back.'

  His face, too, remained impassive, but he raised one eyebrow. 'And?'

  'Drowning. His lungs were full of salt water.'

  'So, no surprises there.'

  Lexi shook her head. 'No, I think the Markham family has had enough surprises in the past couple of weeks. But it's important for them to know what happened.'

  'How's Sam doing?'

  'I was at the hospital this morning. He's been discharged.'

  Lexi hesitated as Tom crossed her room to perch on the edge of her desk, his waist at her eye level, one leg swinging hypnotically near her own. She could see his thigh muscle tighten under the denim of his jeans. Tighten, relax. Tighten, relax. If she reached out, she could place her hand on his thigh. What had she been saying? She couldn't remember.

  Had he told her why he was here? She didn't think so.

  'Did you want something?'

  'I'm going back to Sydney. Elena's having her 18-week scan in a couple of days and I want to be there.'

  'Oh.' So he hadn't planned on skipping town without telling her, but that was small consolation. When do you leave?'

  'Tomorrow.'

  'I see. Will you be back?' She hated asking but she had to know.

  'I've finished my appraisal of the practice. My job's done.'

  She knew he understood her question hadn't related to work but his answer had nonetheless told her where she stood. Nowhere.


  'There's something else.' Lexi's heart flew back into place and hope soared. 'Have you given any more thought to applying for the position of Medical Director? I've got the job specifications here.' He was holding out a sheaf of papers to her.

  Colleagues, was that all they were now? She didn't know if she could keep up the pretence. 'I haven't decided.'

  'Read this, it might help.' He stood up, leaving the job specs on her desk. Halfway to the door he stopped. 'One more thing.' She looked up. 'I'm staying tonight for the office Christmas party. Will you come with me?'

  The party was tonight? She'd been so distracted she'd muddled her days. She swept her gaze over him. He was wearing a blue polo shirt, the color she loved on him, the blue that matched his eyes so perfectly. If she turned him down, this might be the last time she'd see him.

  'I'm not sure that's such a good idea.' She took a deep breath, willing herself to stay strong. 'Tomorrow you'll be gone again. Home to your pregnant wife.'

  She saw a flash of something in his blue eyes—pain or anger, she wasn't sure—and told herself she didn't care. She wanted to tell him she hadn't planned on going to the dinner, punish him for leaving.

  'Lex, I want to make one thing perfectly clear. No matter what happens with this baby, Elena and I won't be getting back together. That part of my life is over.'

  'You don't know that, Tom. This baby could change everything.'

  It had for her.

  'I don't doubt that, but Elena and I will share parenting responsibilities, that's all. What happened between you and I on the night of the storm meant a lot to me. If I'd had any intentions of reconciling with Elena, it would never have happened.'

  She summoned up her courage. 'Then why can't you, why can't we...?'

  He seemed to understand what she was trying to ask, judging by the way he shook his head and held up his hand before she'd even finished trying to formulate her words. 'That was then, Lex. You know I was never able to promise you anything. After the storm, I realized it had to come to an end between us anyway. I didn't want to hurt you and that was the only place we were heading. This is not just about the baby being my priority.'

  He couldn't have made it any clearer if he'd tried. He'd been ready to leave, ready to run again even before Elena had appeared. And now that she had, there was no chance at all for Lexi to change his mind about them.

  She supposed she'd feel the pain of having her heart sliced in two once the shock wore off. Stupid, really, to be shocked at all. The writing had been on the wall from the beginning. She'd just been fool enough to let herself hope he'd change. No, more than that, that she would be able to change him.

  But as she couldn't, as he was the only one for her and he was about to walk out of her life again, this time for good, would it be too crazy to take him up on his invitation? Take her last chance to commit Tom Edwards to memory? The prospect of the long nights ahead without him forced her hand. Spending one last night with him couldn't hurt her any more than it did already. She'd decided at the beginning to risk heartache for the opportunity to make some happy memories. She was going to grab it.

  'Come?'

  'Yes.' She'd said it and he'd nodded his thanks, told her what time he'd call by for her and then left. She tried not to look as he walked from her room. The sight of him leaving wasn't the image she wanted burned into her mind.

  Lexi was struggling to keep up with the conversation over dinner. It was made harder still by the constant noise made by the many diners, all in a Christmas mood. The restaurant was crowded and the dull ache that had started behind her eyes after Tom had left that afternoon was spreading to her temples. When Pete offered to pour her another glass of wine, her stomach turned.

  She covered her glass with her hand, preventing Pete from topping up her glass. 'No more for me, thanks. I've got a long drive home.'

  'Are you feeling all right? You look a bit pale.'

  'A bit of a headache. I think I need some fresh air. In fact, I might skip dessert and take off now.' She gathered her bag and jacket before making her excuses to Bill then turning to Tom to bid him farewell. She didn't know what she'd been thinking when she'd taken him up on his invitation. Tonight had been nothing less than torturous, sitting next to him yet unable to talk about any of the things that really mattered, having to pretend all was well. She had to say goodbye and be done with it.

  'Would you like me to drop you home, Lex?' He'd stood the moment she'd bent to him to say goodbye, taken her by the arm and stepped away from the table with her.

  'There's no need for you to leave, too. I'm quite OK to drive.'

  'I've got an early start in the morning. I need to be in Adelaide by eight. I was planning on heading off soon anyway.'

  Lexi knew she should protest harder, insist that she was fine and be on her way, but if he came with her, they'd have a little more time, just the two of them.

  She let him walk her to her car, let him rest his hand in the small of her back, his fingers burning through the thin fabric of her dress. Her body responded to his touch, her breathing shallow, her chest tight. She felt her nipples harden as his hand slipped down to the curve of her hip. It was time to say goodbye, get into her car and leave, but she couldn't do it.

  They reached her car, secluded at the furthest end of the car park, but she made no move to unlock the door. Instead, she turned to face him, leaning back against the cool metal door, wanting to touch him one last time.

  She reached her hand up to the back of his neck, praying that he would understand her silent question and bend his head to kiss her farewell.

  Nothing. He was as still as a statue. She dropped her hand and let her fingers seek out his, relaxing when she felt his hand close around hers.

  'Does this have to be goodbye?'

  'You know it does, Lex.'

  'There's something I have to tell you before you go.' She took a deep breath, steadying herself. She tightened her fingers around his, drawing strength from his touch. 'I'm not asking for anything in return, but I can't let you go without telling you I love you.'

  'Oh, Lex.'

  'It's ok,' she interrupted. 'I know you've got a lot on your mind right now and I'm not trying to make things more difficult. But I wanted you to know how I feel. It's important to me to tell you.'

  'I can't offer you anything.'

  'I'm not asking you to. I don't expect it to change anything. I've had five years to think about how differently I could have done things, and after Erin's death I made some promises to myself. No more regrets. I never imagined she'd die so young, I thought we'd have years to say all the important things. How much I loved her, what a fantastic job she was doing of raising Mollie. But I never told her.'

  'I'm sure she knew how much you loved her.'

  'But it's not the same as hearing it. Thinking she knew isn't the same as knowing I told her. I guess it's really for selfish reasons but now, if it's something I feel strongly about, something I believe in, I want to make sure I speak up. That's why I'm telling you now. I still love you, Tom. I don't want you leaving here not knowing how I feel. How I've always felt.'

  'Always?'

  She nodded.

  'I am sorry, Lex.' He had one arm around her waist, stroking her back absent-mindedly. It felt divine. She wanted to curl up with him but knew she had to be strong. Had to walk away.

  'Don't be. You weren't to know. But at least I've got some beautiful memories now. That's what I wanted.'

  'So you're OK with this?'

  'Of course.' Couldn't he see that her heart was breaking? Had he no idea of the depth of her feelings? But she'd coped with losing him once before. She would cope again.

  He lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing each of her fingers in turn. 'I'm sorry I can't stay, can't give you what you want. I came here hoping to have time to sort through some things, reassess my goals, and now I'm leaving with more things to work out. But what I do know is that my priority is this baby.'

  'I realize that. You're going to
be a terrific father.' She couldn't believe she could say those words out loud, not when she wasn't going to be a part of that. 'Can I give you one word of advice? I'm speaking from experience. It's not all smooth sailing. There'll be challenges you never imagined and it can be hard work sometimes. Rewarding, but difficult, and you won't be able to turn your back when things get tough.'

  'I know.'

  'Everybody thinks they understand, but the reality is very different. I wish I'd had time to prepare for parenthood but Mollie was suddenly my responsibility and it's taught me a lot. You'll have problems to solve, things to deal with, and it's a responsibility you can't hide from- Children will throw your ordered world into chaos and there'll be times where you have no control. You need to be prepared for that. That will be the one thing you'll have to persevere with—you can't run away the minute things get difficult.'

  ‘I don't run away.'

  'Think about why you went to Sydney in the first place, why you came to Pelican Beach. Maybe I'm wrong, but sometimes things happen that are out of your control.'

  'I never meant to hurt you, Lex.'

  'You haven't.' Yet. 'I went into this with my eyes open.' The hurt would come later, once he was gone. Old wounds were going to reopen and they'd hurt like hell, but she was strong. She'd gone through a lot in the last five years and had made it through to the other side. She stood, letting go of his hand and placing her palms on either side of his face. She kissed him on the lips for the last time. 'I'm going to miss you.' She unlocked her car, opening the door before turning back to him. 'Goodbye, Tom.'

  She started the engine and drove away without looking back, her energy spent. Her eyes were stinging and she blinked rapidly, fighting for control. Her heart was heavy in her chest, every beat pumping pain around her body. It had started already. She'd wanted one last chance and she'd had it. Now she would have to deal with it.

  CHAPTER TEN

  He’d gone.

  Over a week now, a week without Tom. No contact and no information about him.

  Lexi plumped her pillow, rolling over to try again to fall asleep. Why did she expect to hear from him? He'd never made any promises other than that there was no future for them. He'd gone to make a new start, one that didn't include her, crowded with his yet-to-be born child and, if he was right, soon- to-be-ex-wife.