Yours Truly, Thomas

by Rachel Fordham

  “I’m very grateful,” she said and then began her research of registered businesses near railroad lines. Three hours and two telegrams later, Penny finally pointed to a dot on the map and practically shouted, “Azure Springs, Iowa!”

  Penny pushed open the door to the apartment. “Honey. Mother.”

  “Penelope,” a deep voice came in response.

  Penny jerked her head toward the sound. “Uncle Clyde?” His wrinkled face looked older and sterner than when she had last seen him. “I . . . I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Stop gaping.” He turned to her mother. “You were right, Florence, she’ll need to work on her conduct. Even her posture could use improvement.” Uncle Clyde faced her again and his scrutinizing eyes roamed over her. “I was here on business and thought I’d see for myself the deplorable conditions of your life.” He picked up a chipped teacup and turned it around in his hand. “I can’t move you and your belongings today. But in a week, perhaps two, I’ll send a driver. You will need to be ready then. I know it’s sudden.”

  “A week?” she managed to say. Penny looked past her scowling uncle to her mother. “I can’t—”

  “It’ll be lovely. Clyde’s going to have dresses made for us. No one will know we lived in rags.” Florence looked near tears. “All this will be nothing more than a distant memory. We’re saved. We’re so grateful. Aren’t we, Penny?”

  She managed a small smile.

  “I’ve spoken to a dress shop. Pick out something fashionable. Once you’re settled.” He took a step closer. “Get rid of all these clothes before you come. You’ll have no need of them. Once you’re settled in with me, we’ll complete your wardrobe.”

  “It’s very kind of you.” She blinked quickly, her hands moving to her waist. Nothing she owned was fashionable, but she’d worked hard to clothe and provide for herself and her mother. Was she to pretend these years of toil and self-preservation didn’t matter? Was this to be her life—always putting on a facade? Acting the part of the wealthy niece? “I have my job here—”

  “Give them your notice. You needn’t work any longer. I’d prefer you don’t mention it. No one need know.”

  “What am I to tell them?” She felt the frustration rising up within her. “Are you ashamed that I worked or are you ashamed that you did nothing to help us all those years?”

  “Enough. Watch your tongue, girl.”

  “She didn’t mean it. It’s all just so sudden.” Florence put a hand on Penny’s arm.

  Uncle Clyde let out a big breath of air. “You’ll be ready when the driver comes. You’ll dress and behave like a proper lady. I’ve already made arrangements for Horace Stedman to meet you. He’s eager to find a second wife.”

  “Horace?” Penny’s head began to spin. Honey stepped beside her and nudged Penny with her head. “Who is he?”

  “It doesn’t matter!” Florence stepped near her brother. “Clyde, if you’ve made the arrangements, she’ll be delighted. She’s just tired from working so hard. I’m sure once she’s settled and rested, she’ll be more agreeable. I’ll talk to her. We’ll put this part of her to rest.”

  Clyde patted his sister’s hand. “I’ll let you manage her. It’ll be good having you in Philadelphia.” Then he spoke to Penny. “I’m leaving now. Be ready when the driver comes.”

  Penny said nothing. She only watched as he grabbed his hat and walked out the door.

  “Oh, Penny.” Florence crossed the floor to her. “Only a few days and we can leave this wretched place. And you don’t have to ever go back to the letters.” She clasped her hands together. “And a suitor. I never thought we’d be so blessed.”

  Penny bit her lip. She wasn’t ready for this. Not for any of it. “Mother? What if I don’t want to dine with Horace or pretend I never worked for a living? What if I don’t care about my posture? Or putting this part of me to rest? I like that I know how to work. I’m proud that I can speak my mind. Uncle Clyde’s house is . . . it’s not a place I want to live. I’ve dreamed of something more.”

  Florence pursed her lips. “Don’t let your foolish ideals keep you from seizing this gift. Your Uncle Clyde is saving us. The least you can do is don a pretty dress and let the men court you.”

  Penny fought the hot tears that tried to escape. “But Mother . . . I’ll never be my own person living like that.”

  “Nonsense!” Florence snapped. “You’ll be important again. You’re too impulsive. You need a man beside you. Uncle Clyde, with his connections, will help you find the right sort.”

  Penny winced. Impulsive. Perhaps her mother was right. But wasn’t it up to Penny to behave as she wished? Honey whined beside her. “I’m going to take Honey outside. She needs to go out and I need to think.”

  “Don’t be a selfish child. The world’s being handed to you. Think about that while you walk your ridiculous dog.” Florence stomped away from her.

  “She’s not ridiculous,” Penny muttered under her breath as she went to the door and stepped from the small apartment out into the evening light.

  The pair did not go far—just to the side of the building, where she sat. Penny slouched with her back against the wall and through the gap in the buildings looked up at the darkening sky. A plume of smoke from a nearby factory blurred her view, making it impossible to know the color the sky truly was.

  “I wonder what the sky looks like in Azure Springs. Do you think Thomas can see more of it than we can?”

  Honey tilted her head but didn’t make a sound. The dark mop of hair on her head fell from side to side.

  “Do you remember Father?” Penny ran her fingers through the dog’s hair. “He used to take life in his own hands and mold it into what he wanted.” She tried to picture her father’s face. His dark hair and square chin. His dimpled smile. “What would he do? Would he tell me to be impulsive? Submit to Mother and Clyde? Marry Horace?”

  Honey opened her mouth wide and yawned.

  “I don’t know what he’d do either.” Penny leaned down and kissed the dog’s nose. Then they sat in restless silence.

  When she finally crept back into the darkened apartment, she penned the pain she felt.

  Dear Thomas,

  I am hurting tonight. I find I am trapped in a world I don’t belong in. I am not who I once was, yet I don’t know who I am to become. I feel like a wanderer with no idea of where to go. I don’t know why, but I believe if you were here you would understand. You left Alexandria and went west. You made a big, bold decision. Were you brave or were you afraid and running? I don’t think I am brave, but I do feel like running.

  Penny stopped writing. In despair, she crumpled up the paper and threw it on the ground. But then something happened. Her heart started beating faster. It pounded in her chest. The fog she’d felt since hearing Uncle Clyde’s plans for her dissipated.

  “Honey, what if we ran away from all this? Just for a while. We could take all the money I’ve been saving and go see something new. We’d come back, of course, but . . . we could see something else first.” Honey scratched at her ear with her hind leg, then settled into a sleeping heap.

  “We could go somewhere different than this stifling city.” She stood and paced in silence, wondering where she could go. Her whole life was here, but the world was bigger than DC.

  “We could go to Azure Springs. We could see Thomas and the old Dawson place. We could smell the wheat and see the yellow boardinghouse. Father always loved leaving the city behind. Perhaps, away from the chaos of life here, I could think more clearly. I was saving for the unexpected, but I won’t need it at Clyde’s. And if I came back to work, I could save up again.” She stepped toward the dog. “Am I a fool to consider it?”

  Honey leapt up and barked and jumped excitedly. “You feel it, don’t you?” She knelt down and put her arms around her large, furry friend. “We have to do something. Why not this?”

  When Honey continued to bark and prance in a circle, she shushed her. “Not so loud. Soon, though, we�
�ll be away from the city and you can yap and bark all you wish. And I’ll look up at the sky and see stars.”

  9

  Is your mother upset?” Dinah asked as they walked together.

  “She’s not speaking to me,” Penny said. “I don’t know what to do about it. When I told her I was going to go to Azure Springs so I could have some time to figure out what was next for me, she yelled and accused me again of not caring.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be glad to be free of her.”

  Penny shook her head. “No. She’s my mother. If I had my way, we’d be making plans together. I hate leaving her like this, but when I kneel beside my bed each night, I feel nothing but peace about going. I wish she could understand. Leaving would be easier if I knew I had her blessing.”

  “I’ll miss you.” Dinah looped her arm through Penny’s. “You’ve been a good daughter to her and you’re not leaving her with nothing. She chose to go to Clyde’s and you’ve made a choice too. There’s no shame in that.”

  “If she never forgives me and refuses to let me join her at Uncle Clyde’s when I return, I’ll go back to work. Mr. Douglas promised me my job back if I choose to take it. I was surprised when he conceded. I think it helped that Roland was in the same room. He interjected a comment about my high return rates.”

  “I’m glad you’ve a plan.”

  Penny laughed. This was hardly a plan. “My mother called me impulsive, and I suppose she’s right, but I’m not so flighty that I’d go without having options for myself when I return.”

  “If you do end up working again, I’m not sure I’ll be there.”

  “What do you mean?” Penny asked.

  “I’m going to marry Lucas—that is the leap I’m going to take. We only just decided. We’re going to marry in secret.”

  Penny pressed her lips together while she fought to form the right words. “If you’re convinced it’s the right course for you, then I’m happy for you. Will you write me?”

  “I’ll tell you everything.” Dinah and Penny embraced again as tears streamed down both their faces. When they parted, Dinah pulled something from her pocket. “I’ve something for you. Roland found more letters from Thomas. One is addressed to the clerk who wrote him. Roland read it and decided you must have been the one who wrote Thomas. The other is to Clara and must have been written before your letter to him had arrived. Perhaps they are God’s way of saying it’s right to go.”

  Penny took the letters slowly, almost reverently. “Thank you.” She pressed them to her chest. “It wasn’t an accident that his letters found me. I need a place away from all this where I can decide my future. I believe Azure Springs is the right place to leap to. In time, I hope I understand why.”

  “I know it is,” Dinah said, wiping the tears from her face. “But I’ll miss you desperately.”

  “Goodbye, Mother.” Penny looked out the train window toward the spot where her mother should have been. Only an empty platform met her eyes. “I love you,” she whispered.

  When the train left and she could no longer see the familiar station, she settled into her seat and fought off the tears that kept trying to escape. Rather than despair over her lonely departure, she began to read.

  Dear Clara,

  I’ve settled into the old Dawson home. It’s two stories, with a big front porch that looks toward the gentle hills that are my land. It’s more room than I need and quieter than anywhere I’ve ever lived, but in many ways it feels more like a home than I’ve ever known. I spend most every hour of the day working in the dirt. I stop often and breathe the fresh air, filling my lungs with it and gaining strength and life from it. This is all very different from my life before. Part of me feels like I’m pretending and another part of me feels like I’m finally beginning to find myself. Do you think it is possible for a man my age to finally understand himself? Can a grown man turn and go down a different road, or is it too late?

  I’ve a neighbor who tells me when I fail, he will buy the old Dawson place. The smile on his face does not fool me. I know he’s fueled by greed. Little does he know if he’d just sat back and waited, the deed would have likely been on the market again. But his words awakened in me that old desire to conquer whatever stands in my way. Only this time, I’m determined to use that desire for good. I hope to at least. And farming this land is a good pursuit. I know it. This work is different from anything I’ve ever done, but the seeds are growing.

  I only wish ambition alone was enough to fix all my problems. Perhaps my stubbornness creates my trials. The only thing I truly know is the sun sets and rises day after day. And though there is a pattern, it is not the same day. When the sun rises, it is a new day and there is no going back. I cannot undo what happened in Alexandria. I cannot reverse the path of the sun. I cannot go back.

  When the sun sets and I can no longer plow my fields, I find the errors of my past creeping into my mind again. I’ve tried to quiet the voice by reading. I’ve read all the books Abraham at the store sold me. I’ve read many of them twice. I now know them so well they do not distract me the way I need them to, so I’ve opened my Bible. I grew up listening to verses. But now, as a man reading it not out of subjection but out of free will, I find there is more to it than I had believed. Perhaps I’ll find my peace yet, as I hope you’ve found yours.

  Forgive me if you can,

  Thomas

  After she had read the letter twice, the train finally lurched forward. Her stomach lurched with it. She tried to forget about all she was leaving behind and where she was going. She also tried not to worry about Honey in the cargo car.

  In her hands she held the first letter she’d ever received. So often she’d imagined tearing open a seal and devouring words written just for her. She turned the letter over in her hand. The seal had been torn by Roland, and it was not personally addressed to her, but still, it was written by Thomas and intended for her.

  To my friend at the dead letter office,

  I confess I never knew what became of letters that were lost. I suppose I thought they simply disappeared. Since they do not, I am glad they found their way to your hands. My heart feels alive knowing you’d go to look for Clara, someone who is a stranger to you. Your sacrifice is a testament of goodness, and one I will not soon forget. I am sorry she was not there for you to find and deliver the letters to. You’ve no idea how sorry I am. So many things sadden my heart. I take solace in the prayers you’ve offered on my behalf, though I fear the grief will never fully leave me. I’ve never had someone pray for me before. I thank you for that gift. You spoke of the loss of your father. I could feel your pain and I wish I could ease it. He sounds like he was a man of wisdom. I believe he was right that we must keep seeking purpose and joy. I can attest to the difficulty of doing so. But both purpose and joy are out there. We must seize them when and where we can. There is so much we cannot control. So many mistakes, so much pain. But we can keep living. I’ve vowed to try.

  Azure Springs is quickly becoming my home. I am finding myself here in this strange little town that feels like a haven for the lost and weary. Don’t worry yourself over me. I am moving forward one step at a time.

  With warm regards,

  Thomas Conner

  Penny tipped her head back against the soft seat and closed her eyes. He had written to her. He had stepped away from his farm and all the demands on his time and written to her. The train bumped along the rickety track, and as it went, the only world she had known shrank until it was far behind her.

  10

  Hugh took a long, slow drink from the ladle. “It’s gonna be a warm summer. I can feel it in the air.”

  “I’ve never minded the heat before. In fact, I was always glad when it didn’t rain. I have a feeling I’ll see this summer differently from all the rest.” Thomas pulled another bucket of water up from the well. “I’m beginning to see a great many things differently.” A hawk sailed across the sky. Thomas’s eyes followed it as it flew over his property and toward the
neighboring land. “You know much about Jeb Danbury?”

  “Of course I do. I’ve known him since we were boys.” Hugh put down the ladle. “Jeb was the boy in school who could earn good marks without doing an ounce of work. He has a way of getting whatever he wants without earning it. His parents died and left him the biggest farm in the county. Once he got that, he went and got the girl we’d all been dreaming about since we were children. Someday things’ll catch up to him. A man can’t frequent the saloon as often as he does and not have something fall apart in his world.”

  Thomas felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach. He too had excelled in school. When he was a boy, his teachers and parents often called him “naturally talented” and “brilliant.” Being labeled as such had been both a blessing and a curse. The constant praise during his childhood had only made him want more of it as he grew up and became an adult. He’d acquired his father’s shipping company, but even that hadn’t been enough. He’d forced it to grow—bigger than necessary—at the expense of his neighbors, his friends. And then there had been Clara.

  He shook his head. “I think Jeb wants my farm.”

  “I could’ve told you that.” Hugh slapped Thomas’s shoulder. “We were all hoping a good man would buy it. Jeb was so puffed up walking around town telling us all how he was going to buy up every farm that failed until he owned all of Azure Springs. Too much power in the hands of Jeb Danbury wouldn’t be good for any of us.”

  “Most days I see him ride by. He slows as he passes. There’s something wicked about the way he looks at the place.” Thomas picked up his spade. “I don’t know a thing about farming, but I know this. I’m not going down without a fight.”

  “Looks like you’ve got a little fire back in you.”

  “I’ve never been good at losing. The truth is, I’m not so different from Jeb, or at least the old me wasn’t so different. I know all about wanting more.” Thomas rolled the spade handle back and forth in his hand. “I aim to work hard. I think that might be my one trait worth keeping. But the greed from before—I’m done with that. I want to be satisfied with what I have.” Thomas looked out at his fields of waving grasses. “I figure if I want something different, I have to go about it differently.”