by A. J. Downey
“Talk to me,” she cajoled. “What’s hard?”
My dick, for one, I thought to myself, but fuck if I was going to say that out loud. I felt it keenly then… that I was in the presence of a lady and that was a tough one for me.
“I want to keep seeing you as that adorable little six-year-old,” I confessed. “But every time I came back, she was getting further and further away and in her place? This beautiful girl sprang up.”
“Girl?” she asked softly, and I looked down at her, my hand rising unbidden to caress the side of her face. She closed her eyes and leaned into that touch and the whimpering sigh that escaped her… I’d heard a similar sound out of myself before. Any time I stepped off the bus and I’d come home. That’s exactly what it sounded like. Like she’d come home and to be honest that scared the fucking shit out of me.
“Woman,” I said softly back, voice strained. She opened her eyes, and I fell in, falling through the ages, falling through time all over again. The same way I did every fucking time she looked at me.
I caught myself leaning forward too late, and before I knew it, I didn’t care anymore if I fell. My lips touched Eden’s, and I was lost in the silken feel of her soft mouth beneath mine.
8
Eden…
He kissed me. Sage lowered his mouth to mine, grazing my cheek lightly with his knuckles and his lips met mine and time just… stopped. Everything stopped. My breath was stolen, my heart seized in my breast and every fiber of my being held onto this golden moment and never ever wanted it to end.
It was still almost two weeks away and yet it was Christmas, with all the joy, elation, and magic that the holiday could bring.
Tears sprang to my eyes with the sheer beauty of the moment as his hand left my cheek and his arms went around me and pulled me close. I kissed him back. My lips moved against his slightly chapped ones, my hands balling in the front of his shirt as I pulled myself just that much tighter against the front of his body.
He grunted, a surprised yet supremely satisfied sound, and I flicked my tongue against his bottom lip, opening for him, begging for him to come into me more fully, begging to take this further. Even just a little.
He took the invitation, tongue sliding against mine and kissing me deeply, the salt and hops from his popcorn and beer a not unpleasant assault on my senses before those flavors faded and I was left with just the intense, wonderful, woodsy masculine scent and flavor that was just him, just my Sage.
We kissed one another breathless in the dim lamplight from the side of his bed and I loved that I not only could touch him, smell him, see him, and taste him for real… but that it was actually better than every time I had ever imagined him.
“I hate to be disappointment,” he said gruffly after breaking the kiss. I shook my head. God, never… “But the club is going to be here bright and early and we’ve got Christmas trees to go cut down and decorations to hang.”
Shit. He was right.
“Okay,” I whispered gently.
He reached behind him and clicked out the light, then settled holding me tightly. He kissed the top of my head and sighed out.
“Sleep, baby girl.”
“Okay,” I whispered again, still completely mollified and confused beyond measure about what just happened. I admit, I was giddy, too, but laying in the dark, close to Sage, his arms tightly around me, it was hard to keep my sleepiness at bay. I felt too well protected, too wonderful against him, in the circle of his arms.
“Don’t leave,” I murmured into the night.
“I won’t,” he promised. “At least not until after you’re asleep.”
I didn’t want him to leave even then… I mean, if I woke without him, what would I have to convince myself this was more than just a wonderful dream?
He chuckled slightly and pressed his lips to my forehead and I was mortified to realize I may or may not have just said that last part aloud.
“Get some rest, sleepy kitten,” he murmured, and I relaxed into him.
“I like that,” I whispered and I did. I liked that nickname a lot.
9
Sage…
Sparks – the first indication I knew anything was wrong were the sparks and then a bike slid out from the pack ahead of all of us sideways across the oncoming lanes of traffic. We all pulled to a stop, heeling down kickstands, shouting – running.
I pounded up the asphalt of the road and stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of them. Nox held my sister, Maren, in his lap and was screaming, an inarticulate animal sound at the sky. He rocked her bloodied, broken body in his lap and I surged forward.
Arms held me back, guys piling on. I screamed and Nox looked at us all, the pain in his familiar gray eyes giving us no warning about his intentions. He pulled out his gun and ate it right in front of us.
He’d rather die than live without her, and just like that, I really was an orphan. The last of my people were gone.
I fell to my knees, Slice and Trigger trying to hold me up, and then I was the one sitting on the ground, a dead weight in my lap.
I looked down in my arms and it was Eden there, a copper curl brushing her cheek, a spot of blood, so crimson against her pale skin at the edge of her lips which were wrong, so blue, the discoloration spreading, the warmth and breath of life leaving her as my heart tore in two. I looked up at all the guys… Trig, Dray, Reave, Rev… as they all stared at me expectantly.
I sat up, gasping, Eden’s hands falling lightly to the sides of my face, dragging me around to look at her.
“It’s okay,” she whispered soothingly, her voice finally registering. Her chest heaved, breathless, in counterpoint to mine and she pulled me into her arms. I held onto her arms tightly, just above her elbows, torn between pulling her closer and thrusting her away as my mind reeled over the nightmare and the truth…
My sister was gone.
Nox was gone.
And I was faced with loving someone so much I would do the exact same thing were I in Nox’s place and I can’t tell you how much that fuckin’ terrified me.
“It’s okay,” Eden soothed, shrugging out of my useless grip and putting her arms around me. She drew me against her and I broke. I wept while she ran her fingers through my short hair, rubbed my back, and told me that it was okay over and over again. Her light voice a balm to my battered soul.
Being alone was the responsible thing to do, but I was already recklessly in love with her – with her resilience and with how no matter how hard I pushed her away, she just wouldn’t give up on me.
Like Maren. Like Nox. Like the rest of the MC.
Shit.
“Come here,” she whispered, and her touch was so gentle, soothing. “Come here,” she whispered again, and she scooted down further, laying back down and drawing me to her breast. I lay my ear over her heart and she wrapped her arms around me, cradling me, holding me to her and not sheltering me, not protecting me or whatever. More like she gave me permission. Allowed me to feel whatever it was I was feeling. Letting me go through it, and I had to say it was some kind of cathartic.
I closed my eyes and breathed her in – sweet with a hint of grapefruit. She reminded me of the echo of summertime in the wasteland of winter. An oasis of warmth in a vast tundra of cruelty and broken ice.
She expertly navigated the field of broken emotions inside of me and managed the impossible. Soothed me to the point that I started to fall right back to sleep – something that never happened after I dreamed so vividly of my sister’s death.
“I’m right here, I’ve got you,” she murmured, and it was a promise that I still didn’t know if I should hold her to it.
I didn’t want to destroy her as much as I feared she would destroy me. I didn’t know if I was up for that level of devastation.
10
Eden…
I woke up alone, my overnight bag leaning against the dresser, somehow retrieved from my dad’s club room where Dante had stashed it for me the night before. I snickered. Poor Dante was in for it thi
s morning! I sobered almost immediately and realized, what if it was both of their first times?
Geez, I couldn’t imagine how that would feel. Getting caught like that the first time you ever had sex? I suddenly really felt bad for Dante and even worse for my best friend. It galvanized me into action and rather than do what I wanted to do, which was hug Sage’s pillow to me and breathe him in, I, instead, threw back the blankets to his bed and stood up, grateful for the area rug beneath my feet, protecting it from the polished concrete floor.
It was going to be loud and boisterous out there in the common room and I wasn’t exactly ready for it. I liked a little solitude first thing in the morning before my coffee.
I switched into clean panties and pulled on a pair of thermal underwear over that. Next came my jeans and thick woolen socks that I pulled up high over my knees. Bra, clean white tee tucked in and over that, and finally a thick, cowl-necked gray wool sweater. I shoved my feet into my red, knee-high Doc Marten boots, zipping them up the side, lacing them tight in the front and folding my socks down artfully over the top.
I was as warm as I was going to get and ready to do whatever I needed to do to decorate for Christmas. Not only were we going out to get the two club trees, every one of the club families that wanted trees for their homes would get theirs today too.
Christmas was a lot of the ol’ ladies favorite time of year; my mom’s included. We always got a really nice tree for home. I was effervescent with glee about it as I stopped and used the bathroom, the kids’ boisterous shrieking and the thrum of adult conversation from the common room greeting me as I reached what I called the hub – the intersection of halls and doors that led throughout the club.
I got lucky that one of the bathrooms was free and went in, purse under my arm, to brush my teeth and do my makeup and hair which was a somewhat frizzy corona around my head this morning.
It took me longer than I would have liked to tame it and just as I was getting half of it up in a pewter hair clip, a knock fell at the door.
“Just one more minute!” I called out and fastened the clip. I swept everything into my purse and unlocked and opened the door. Sunshine beaming up at me.
“Hi!” I cried and wrapped the small woman in a hug.
“Hey, you!” she cried back and hugged me back tight.
“Sorry I took so long.”
“Not at all! I’ll see you back in the common room.” She smiled and laugh lines fanned out from her golden eyes. She was getting older, yes, but she was aging with grace and beauty. I wished I were half so lucky when I started pushing fifty.
I went to head toward the common room when I heard my best friend’s voice rise in distress from the library. I diverted and made a beeline for it. It was originally a member’s club room, but he had died when I was little. To remember him and honor him and his ol’ lady who loved to read, it’d been converted into a library with all of his ol’ lady’s books. I’d spent a lot of time here and it was where I’d found my love of romance novels.
Right now, though, it was occupied by Ghost, Shelly, and my best friend Harmony who was sitting in the old wingback chair in front of her parents in absolute tears.
“I’m so fucking pissed at you!” Ghost hissed and the set of his shoulders beneath his cut was tense, his hands on his hips as Shelly sighed in exasperation beside her husband.
“Maybe you should let me handle this,” she said to her man. Ghost turned his attention to scowl at her and caught sight of me in the doorway, his expression softening.
“Hey, Eedee, can you give us a minute?” he asked.
“No, it’s fine, Eedee, why don’t you come here?” Shelly asked.
“Mom!” Harmony cried slightly horrified, and I felt my shoulders drop and the smile on my lips fall away before even I knew that was the reaction I was going to have.
I stepped into the room. Ghost threw up his hands and with a noise of disgust, left. I went over to Harmony and hugged her. She buried her makeup-free face in my stomach and sobbed.
I rubbed her back and her mom and I exchanged a look, our hearts kind of breaking for my best friend.
“This is so embarrassing!” Harmony cried, muffled against me. “Does everybody know?”
“That’s club life,” her mother said dryly. “These fuckers gossip worse than little old blue hairs in the beauty parlor.”
Harmony and I both choked on a laugh and I sat down next to her on the arm of the chair. She looked up at me and asked meekly, “You’re not mad?”
I shook my head and said, “What’s there to be mad about? He’s my brother,” I said with a shrug. “Honestly, you’re punishing yourself,” I cracked, and she laughed. Shelly, too.
“I love you, Eedee,” she said and squeezed me tight.
“I love you, too, girl.” I squeezed her back.
It took twenty minutes or more to get Harmony back to smiling, her face washed and her makeup on. She was still really embarrassed and I couldn’t blame her. And oh, it was her first time; her’s and Dante’s both.
What a mess and what a night of firsts, I thought to myself. It’d been my first kiss and definitely my first time sleeping next to a man. I couldn’t tell you how elated I was that man was Sage. I caught a glimpse of him talking with Slice, Noah, and Chandler over in the corner. He gave me an imperceptible chin lift, his brown eyes holding some curious emotion I couldn’t discern from here, but I was quickly distracted by my auntie Everett coming out from behind the bar and squeezing me in a tight hug.
“Glad you’re up. Why don’t you come on back here and help me get the hot chocolate, coffee, cider, and mulled wine dispensers ready for when we all get back here?”
“Absolutely, come on Harmony.” I pulled her along with me into the kitchen.
Once breakfast was done and the hot drinks were all made and set up on the bar for our return, we donned our winter coats, scarves, hats, and gloves, traipsing outside to the trucks and SUV’s to head to the U-Cut Christmas tree farms out past town. Sage was riding with Reaver, Slice, and Hayden.
“Eden, what are you waiting for?” my dad demanded.
“Sorry, Dad!” I got in the back seat of his SUV, my mom settling in the passenger seat in front of me. Dante was sitting behind Dad, forehead pressed to the glass and staring out of it miserably. I winced a little and felt bad for him, wondering how hard my dad had been on him. Sometimes, he didn’t know when to quit.
“You and lover boy riding together or with us, Puddin’?” I smiled and shook my head as my dad called out the window at Disney and his husband, Aaron.
We had another row of seating, and Disney and Aaron exchanged a look.
“We’re comin’.”
“Kids, get in the back,” my dad ordered and Dante just went up and over the back seat like he was body surfing in a concert. I got out and put the seat forward and did things properly. My dad rolled up his window as Disney and Aaron got in behind him and mom.
“Hey, Eedee. Hi, Dante.” Aaron smiled over the back seat. He’d taken to dying over his natural hair with red, the silver threading through it, naturally turning to red highlights and sparking fire in the light. It looked good on him, and I happened to know Disney did it for him.
Disney was as skinny as ever, his hair shorter now, the long hair too hard to take care of, he claimed. He wore glasses and they suited him – a new addition when he turned forty.
He and Aaron were just as in love as the day they met, pulling off their gloves on their one hand to twine fingers on the seat between them.
“How’s the tattoo life?” I asked, and Disney grinned.
“Same shit, different day,” he said with a wink and Aaron smiled too. He didn’t play as much anymore, preferring to stay home and travel less. He still did orchestra work in the nearest city, a solid hour commute away, but that was about it. They lived modestly in a little two-bedroom house they’d fixed up to look like a freaking magazine spread. Their second bedroom was Aaron’s music room while Disney had a drafti
ng desk in the front corner of the living room to draw up his tattoos on the days he didn’t have clients and didn’t feel like going into the shop.
They had a cozy, peace-filled existence that I envied.
I didn’t know if I ever wanted kids of my own. I certainly didn’t want any this young. I wanted to wait, which is why, even though I hadn’t had sex yet, my mom had helped me get an IUD so I didn’t have to worry about it. What I did know for sure, is that I wanted the kind of life with the kind of house that Disney and Aaron had. Clean, with lots of air and light, the ceilings high and with plenty of windows.
Maybe a book nook, where I could read in peace and drink my pretentious teas. I smiled at the thought, and of course, I couldn’t forget the most important piece… Sage.
After last night, anything seemed possible, but I definitely wanted to temper my enthusiasm. While things had felt very different, it was the light of day and in the light of day things were starker. He could change his mind, I thought, and I wasn’t sure that his mind had really been changed in the first place.
All I knew was that I would keep last night our secret, would hold it in my heart and hope for the best. I mean, really hope for the best that it was indeed some kind of magic turning point, but Sage was still so hurt over what happened to Nox and Maren a few years ago. We all were.
We’d drastically changed our charity run for children’s toys donations since the accident. It still haunted us all, but Rush and Sage had taken it especially hard. Rush had turned to alcohol and had gotten in such a bad way, Bailey hadn’t been able to take it anymore. She’d had to kick him out. The rest of the club had to step in and rotate babysitting him through getting him sober. It’d been ugly.
They were back together, working on things, taking them one day at a time. It had been hard to watch. Bailey loved Rush so fiercely, but we all have our breaking points. The good thing was, Rush understood that, and he’d been sober over a year and a half now.
