Heart of a Kingdom

by Lisa Bain

  But now she knew it was time to move on and felt the wave of loneliness at her decision to leave. Sometimes she wondered if she was destined to be alone the rest of her life, if the universe only allowed each person one chance at an epic love. She always shook that off. She believed that if our hearts were meant to grow and accommodate an unlimited number of hearts to love, then that meant the Universe had designed it to be so. It didn’t make the endings hurt any less, and she was struggling to let this one go. She was horrified at the realization that she’d grown to love this man, even though he’d never know the real Libby. She hadn’t intended to let him get this close again. She certainly hadn’t planned to move in with him, yet here she was.

  And then there was Jasper. He was the only constant in her life. He’d sleep for long periods of time, but knowing he was there kept her from being as lonely. She’d found that she looked forward to his snarky commentary when he was awake. Was it possible Jasper filled the void left behind when Dalen died? He’d never admit it, but he begrudgingly respected her. She’d managed to do something only one other person in history had done. She’d survived an unendurable pain and then thrived. She never gave up. That was both her most irritating and endearing quality. Even when her faith wavered, she persevered. She’d have made a good dragon. Well, except for the needing other humans part.

  Libby left the little house she shared with Redman and went for a stroll along the river to clear her head. She found a quiet dock and walked to the end before sitting down to meditate for a bit. She was unsettled and anxious. She hadn’t felt this sad in a long time. She knew she had to make this decision. She loved this man. He was a good man, and he loved her back, in his own way. Despite their compatibility, it wasn’t right for either of them, and she knew it. How could it be, since he’d never know who she really was, and without that she’d always be holding back? Hell, Dale was right. She was only just figuring out who she was, how could any man know her if she didn’t know herself? To be fair, while he’d gotten closer than anyone else, she still kept him at arm’s length. She felt that doubt creep back in, and the fear that if she left, she’d be alone forever. Dale chose that moment to show up. He always had impeccable timing.

  Dale’s head bobbed up out of the water in the middle of a paddling of ducks. “Hey, Babe. Penny for your thoughts?”

  “Nice of you to duck in.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m just trying to figure out if waiting for Mr. Right is worth it or if I should just go for Mr. Right Now.”

  “Ash, you have to believe me. The right guy is out there for you. The one who will love the real you. But first you need to figure out who you are. The real you. Who you are at the core.”

  “So you keep saying. You tell me not to quit trying. You tell me to wait for the one. You tell me to have faith, but don’t have any answers for me.”

  Dale pulled himself out of the water and took a soggy seat next to Libby. “Have you ever thought that not having the answers is the answer?”

  “Great, Dale. Fucking great. Is that like the sound of one hand clapping?”

  “Funny. Babe, please just wait. You need to be okay with being alone.”

  “Really? The last time you told me to give men the opportunity to get close and not to shut them out. It’s hard to learn to be okay with being alone if I’m always spending time with someone. Would you make up your mind? And for the record, I am okay with being alone. Even though I’ve come to accept being alone, I hate the loneliness. I’m surrounded by people who know and love me and have never felt lonelier in my life. Without you, they only see me as half a person. I didn’t just lose my husband when you died. I lost my future. My identity. My purpose in life.” She was gesturing and yelling out loud. A passing jogger wondered if he should stop and see if she was okay, then decided better against engaging in conversation with a crazy woman yelling at herself in English.

  Dale groaned and covered his face in frustration. “I’m sorry, Ash. I’m still working on my communication skills. I wasn’t great at it when I was alive, and it’s a lot more challenging now. Clarity is a rarity, as Maggie likes to tell me. What I mean is you need to be okay with who you are. You need to know who you are, and love who you are. Babe. I know you’re lonely. I’m truly sorry that I left you alone, but neither of us can change that. This is a time for you to figure out who you are. Until you do, no man will be the right man. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “I’m working hard to figure out who I’m supposed to be. Growing a heart was fucking easy compared to figuring out who how to live again. Alone. I know in my head I need to wait. I know in my heart he’ll never know the real me, and therefore can never give me what I really need, want and deserve. But I also know how good it feels to have someone remember how I like my coffee and have it waiting for me when I wake up in the morning. How having a hand reaching out to hold mine in the dark makes me feel connected to another human. How his arms around me make me feel safe and less alone. How we talk for hours about everything and nothing. How being with someone, even the wrong someone, makes me miss us a little less.”

  “Ash,” Dale started again.

  She held up her hands to cut him off. “No. Don’t say it. I’m not looking for a replacement for you. There is no way that would ever be possible. I’m not the same person I was. I just want the closeness of having a partner in this shit show we call life, someone to have my back. I can’t even let myself imagine what it would be like to find someone who sees me. The real me. The me no one but you ever knew. The me no one else, or at least no other men, seem to want to know. So back to my original dilemma. Mr. Right? Or Mr. Right Now?”

  Dale sighed. “Aisling Elisabeth McGregor, please stop. Have faith. I will always be with you. Have faith that it will all work out.”

  Then he was gone again.

  She remained seated at the edge of the dock. Tears were running down her face. She knew Dale was right, but damn, the loneliness was miserable. She wasn’t ready to go back yet, so leaned back to stare at the sky. She popped in her earbuds and started listening to music, enjoying the sunshine on her face and the breeze in her hair. Her hair. A week ago she’d made the decision to dye it back to her original color. There was something symbolic in getting back to the red she’d been born with. A visible symbol of accepting her role in life, the one she was born to play. She hadn’t told Redman she was going to do that, and when he got home from work, he was startled. She’d laughed when he told her she was like a box of crayons and he never knew what color she’d show up with next. She’d joked that she was only trying to be as pretty as he was. The sweet memory made her miss him already.

  Jasper was awake and had heard the entire exchange but had remained still and silent. He knew she was crying. She cried a lot. It disturbed him that it disturbed him. Why should he care if she was sad? Her loneliness and longing for a companion was a weakness. He should be exploiting that. But he didn’t, and he didn’t know why. He’d have had a fit if he’d known the emotion he was feeling was called compassion. The man she was with couldn’t appreciate her fully because he didn’t know anything but her Normal persona, but she seemed to love him. Although even a Normal could see they were both holding back. Idiots. Humans were so bad at communicating their true feelings. She deserves better, he thought, and then started cursing at himself for caring. He willed himself back to sleep so he could stop thinking about her.

  Now he’s brought down the rain,

  and the Indian summer is through

  In the morning you’ll be following your trail again, fair lady

  You ain’t calling me to join you, and I’m spoken for anyway

  But I will cry when ye go away

  Your beauty is familiar, and your voice is like a key

  That opens up my soul and torches up a fire inside of me

  Your coat is made of magic and around your table angels play

  And I will cry when ye go away

  Somebody left us whisky and the night is very young<
br />
  I’ve got some to say and more to tell

  And the words will soon be spilling from my tongue

  ~The Waterboys,“When Ye Go Away”

  Libby walked to the end of the lane with only the streetlight to guide her path. Her bag slung over her shoulder, she looked back at the house she’d just left. She was torn. She wanted to run back to Redman, running her fingers through his red curls and kissing him awake. He was used to her sudden departures since they both traveled so much, him on business and her on adventures he thought were related to her job as an international art buyer. She’d left him a note saying good-bye and that she would check in with him later. She just had no idea if, or when, that would ever happen. As if he knew what she was thinking, Jasper chose that moment to startle her with a, “Are you just going to stand in the middle of the street all day? You’re making everything they say about gingers out to be true.” Libby shook herself out of it and turned around, wiping the tears off her face.

  “Give it a rest, Jasper,” she said as she strode off down the street to hop a train to the airport. She needed to get far away so she wouldn’t waiver in her decision. Going to the other side of the planet seemed like a good idea.

  A few hours later she was stretched out on an airplane, glass of whiskey in her hand, wondering if he’d found her note. She’d told him the night before she was leaving to go back on the road. She’d just left out the part where she was going and for how long. She knew sneaking out was pathetic, but after saying good-bye to Dale, she couldn’t bear the thought of saying good-bye to anyone again. She shook her head. How had she allowed herself to get so attached to Redman?

  Jasper, she thought, I’m taking you home. She looked down at the sleeping dragon on her arm and wondered how this would go.

  After weeks of travel through China and Japan, Libby awoke one night with a start. She’d been dreaming of Dale’s death, but in her dream, everything was mixed up. She was both Libby and Michie, and Dale and Ryunosuke were one and the same. She watched Dale take the arrow, and then they were back at the palace, only it was Ryunosuke dying in Dale’s bed, and he was about to be devoured by Jasper. It was the first nightmare Libby’d had since the duel. Jasper had been awakened by her fear. When he realized there was no threat, he closed his eyes but couldn’t go back to sleep.

  Interesting, he thought. He wondered what she’d been dreaming about. He couldn’t read her thoughts, but could feel her pain, loneliness, and fear. He could also feel her joy. He’d never met anyone with the complexities of emotions that ran through Libby daily, and was surprised that she could feel joy in the midst of great loneliness, or excitement despite her sorrow.

  He’d spent a lot of time analyzing and trying to figure out what she’d done in her joining spell. He’d never heard of such a thing before. In fact, the closest thing he could determine was a royal marriage heart graft. While they weren’t sharing hearts, they were definitely connected. He’d begun to worry whether the spell would be reversible without killing them both. Her power and survival instinct were incredible, that was true, but they were also totally wild and mostly untrained. Although even he was unclear how she did what she did, he began to theorize that her lack of instruction was a benefit, kind of like when someone learns to play the piano by ear or feel rather than read music. He snorted. It always came back to music with her. He just hoped they could figure it out, so they weren’t stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. He was uncertain whether he would survive her death, despite the near-immortality dragons enjoyed. At some point he’d run out of time.

  He was stunned by the realization that he no longer wanted to kill her. He analyzed his feelings for her and knew that the jig was up. Somehow, after helplessly feeling her feelings for so long, he’d grown to care for her. Care about her. How did this happen? he wondered. Damn her magic.

  The two had arrived in Iwakuni-shi in the late morning. Libby took a deep breath in and smiled. She was back in the Motherland, and it felt great. It was hard to explain to her friends who had never left their home countries. Despite not growing up in Japan, it was the land of her ancestors and returning would always feel like coming home. It was in her blood, and every cell recognized the energy of the land, water, and air and celebrated her return. The same thing happened every time she visited Ireland. She wasn’t born in either place, but both were home.

  Something in Jasper changed. This place felt...familiar. He couldn’t explain it. Maybe after all this time with Libby he was channeling her homecoming response. He was almost giddy.

  Libby felt the change, and jokingly said, “Down, boy.”

  “Shut up, Libby,” he said but he was smiling, and pulling her by the arm towards the castle on the hill.

  After dropping her bags at the traditional Japanese ryokan they’d be lodging at, they took a taxi to Kintai Bridge, which was now a famous landmark. Libby had spent a lot of time there in her youth, decades before she’d learned the connection to Michie. It was just as beautiful as she remembered it. The last time she was there it was cherry blossom season, and she’d enjoyed the traditional hanami[4] party with her friends and cousins along the river bank. The memory faded as she was distracted by Jasper, who was practically shaking with excitement.

  “What’s gotten into you?” Libby demanded, laughing.

  “I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “But I’m supposed to be here.”

  Libby strolled across the bridge, merging the view she was looking at with Michie’s memories. The river had changed a bit, and the city wasn’t there in Michie’s time, but overall it wasn’t too different. When they’d rebuilt the iconic bridge, they were careful to keep it the same. She looked up at the gleaming white castle on the hill. It would have had archers patrolling the walls, and pennants would have been flying everywhere, but it was still there. They walked up the path to the castle. Libby was grateful it was a weekday and not very crowded. Talk about double vision. Seeing through two sets of eyes was disconcerting and made for tripping hazards. Libby wasn’t allowed to access the entire castle, which was now a museum and tourist attraction, but did manage to find one section of wall that was open. As she stood there, she relived Michie’s memories of the oni’s curse.

  She looked down at Jasper on her arm. Maggie had told her to trust herself and her decisions. Libby felt a moment of anxiety when she realized it was time to let him go. She’d be alone again but knew this was what she needed to do. With a big sigh, and a surprising wave of sadness, she made her way back down to the river. Along the bank, she ducked under one of the dry archways of the bridge to have some privacy.

  “Jasper, it’s time for me to release you.”

  “What? How?” he demanded.

  “Please let me finish. It’s time. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m going to miss you. You’ve been a pain in my ass from the beginning but being with you has made me less lonely. I’m grateful for the time we’ve spent together.”

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” he asked.

  “Of course not. When do I ever know what I’m doing? But this feels right. It’s time to set you free. It feels like it must be here. I expect you to leave my people in peace. If you can do that, you can always visit me. If you want to.”

  Jasper observed her in silence. He wasn’t going to volunteer any information, but he was going to miss her too. She took insane risks, but was also highly intuitive. He admired her bravery.

  “Just do it,” he replied, holding his breath.

  Libby sat down and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She opened her heart chakra and let it fill with love and light. She directed that love at Jasper. She created her intention to release him and filled it with her love magic.

  Jasper was intently watching every move she made. He started to glow pink when he felt the graft release, and uncurled from Libby’s arm. This time the feel of his scaly coils didn’t make her skin crawl. She felt him stretch out for the first time in almost a year, and
he took off flying low over the river. He picked up speed, circling back around and through the arches like a dog on an agility course. Then he dove into the river, speeding under the surface before bursting straight up in the air, higher than the castle walls.

  Libby watched him and noticed that he was changing. He was growing, yes. But he was also getting lighter in the sunlight. As Jasper slowly spiraled his way down to the river bank where Libby was standing, he continued to fade until he was no longer black, but glittering white, like a pearl in the sun. A white dragon just like in the pennants from Michie’s dream memories. Jasper landed lightly and came up to Libby.

  Oh, my Goddess, thought Libby. When the oni cast his curse, he must have sent the family guardian away and wiped his memory. Libby assumed that the white dragon on Michie’s crest was a family guardian, a spirit protector of their family and kingdom.

  Libby was only half right.

  “You’ve honored your word, Aisling Elisabeth McGregor. You’ve kept me safe and have now released me of your own free will. You would have made a good dragon. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you. Although if you tell anyone you’ve tamed the dragon, I will kill you without a second thought.”

  Libby didn’t have time to respond to what he’d unknowingly admitted because Jasper started to shiver and shake at those words.

  “What’s happening?” he screamed in pain, terrified, as his hide began to bubble and split open.

  He burst open, and before she knew it, Libby was standing face-to-face with the man she knew only from her dreams.

  “What just happened?” Libby whispered, although she already knew the answer.

  “Libby. Mago-chan,” the man smiled. “You did it. You broke the curse. You tamed the black dragon and freed me.”