Shattered Dreams

by Shirley Wilkinson

  “Professor Gilbert, what has he got to do with any of this? I knew he was taking time off from teaching. The assistant dean, Professor Dilant, took over his classes with the explanation that Gilbert needed some personal time. Until further notice, we had to deal with her. If necessary, they said we would have a new teacher next year.”

  Avila stopped Lissa before she could get any more worked up. She knew how Lissa could get when she was excited. “Okay, calm down. There is a logical explanation for it. Professor Gilbert used to be the private tutor for the prince himself. When the prince was done with his studies, the professor still felt he had a lot to teach people, so he went to work for the public system. He agreed to tutor me privately as a personal favor for the prince. I have only talked to the professor once, as I don’t officially start back until next week, but he seemed more than happy to do this for me. He carefully avoided the subject of why he has to, though.”

  “So, that explains why, but didn’t he at least try to talk to you about what is going on?” Lissa, being the loyal friend she was, clearly couldn’t understand why the professor didn’t say anything to make Avila feel better.

  “To be honest, Lissa, I’m glad he didn’t. I thought I would burst with the need to talk to someone, but I think since we will be working together, it could have made things awkward. Not to mention, I don’t know what is going to happen.” With a sigh, she stood and strode over to the other window in the room. “I am, however, ecstatic I have you to talk to!” She made sure to face the window so Lissa would not see the fresh tears on her cheeks. It was one thing to need a shoulder now and then, but quite another to burden her best friend with how overwhelmed she was feeling.

  4. Accepting Reality

  After Lissa’s visit, things seemed to settle into a regular pattern for Avila. After a week of giving her time to think and come to terms with her situation, Galdren resumed his visits. Although at first, he only visited right before Professor Gilbert was done for the day and talked with both of them. He left when the professor did. In some ways, this made things a little easier for her. She was comfortable around the professor. Having him there made the conversation flow smoothly. A small part of her wished she could be alone with Galdren to ask him why, though she was quite sure she wouldn’t be able to.

  Her first week of lessons was almost enough to keep her from thinking about anything else. She had been absent long enough and had so many other things on her mind that she had almost completely forgotten about her studies. It was difficult to get back into the habit of focusing on her schoolwork like she didn’t have any other cares in the world, but she realized quickly if she didn’t, she wouldn’t pass.

  While her classes didn’t seem as important to her as they once did, it didn’t take her long to become reabsorbed in Professor Gilbert’s teaching and to strive for perfection in her grades. It was as much a matter of personal pride as it was the professor’s teaching.

  “I hope the last papers you turned in were the last ones of that caliber I am forced to grade.” It was the end of the second week, and the professor had returned her grades for the first week. “I know things are rough, but I also know you are quite capable of doing much better.” That was the first time the professor had even so much as mentioned the situation, even if it was obliquely.

  Avila was caught off guard for a moment; she had been thinking about her schoolwork, and the brief intrusion from the real world had caught her unaware. Feeling a bit off-balance, it took her a moment to respond. “I apologize for the lack of concentration on my part last week. I know you are doing me a great favor. My remaining grades will reflect my respect for you and the level of workmanship you have come to expect from me.”

  In turn, her formality seemed to throw the professor off, but he recovered much more quickly. “You know, I have always admired the tenacity with which you throw yourself into everything you do. You are always diligent, but you are also human, and with everything, it is to be expected. If you would like to talk, I am here for you, and I want you to know it is a pleasure to tutor you, not just an obligation. I wish all my students would try as hard as you do.”

  Twice in the last few moments, he had mentioned her situation, and Avila was beyond focusing on her work now. She knew the formality of her answer before had probably stung a little, and that if the professor didn’t want to be there, he wouldn’t be. However, she was in no mood to talk about the situation or the prince with her professor, so she did her best to steer the conversation elsewhere. “Thank you for all you are doing. I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to be. I am trying to let you know I will endeavor to make sure the faith you have in me is well-placed, and your time here is not wasted.” She said the last with a smile, both as a way of reassuring him she was all right and to apologize for her earlier curtness.

  He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You are an amazing girl.” He turned to pick up her work and the rest of his papers. “It is time for me to go today. I will get all this back to you next week.” He turned to look over his shoulder at her. “Don’t forget, there will be tests at the end of next week, but I will have these graded and back to you before then so you will have time to study them.”

  With his announcement about the time and his earlier statements, she found herself focusing on Galdren. He had not been up to see her today. “Thank you, Professor, for . . . for everything. I will make sure I study, and I will see you next week.” She followed him to the door with a smile and closed it behind him after he said his goodbyes.

  She walked to the window seat and sat there, staring blankly out at the park. She had avoided looking outside for the last several weeks; it only reminded her of not being able to go anywhere if she pleased. Her thoughts were in tangles, and she wasn’t sure exactly what she was feeling. A little upset maybe, but Professor Gilbert had tried to talk about things for the first time and it had rattled her. Also, perhaps a little relieved. Galdren showing up usually put a tense edge on their conversations, even if it was easier to see him while with the professor.

  Deep down, though, no matter how much she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she was disappointed. She had gotten used to seeing Galdren every day for the last few months, and he always assured her he would be back. Even though it made her uncomfortable being around him, knowing what she did now, she still enjoyed their time together. It was realizing this more than anything else that had her off-balance. Not being sure of how she felt, and worse yet, recognizing that she might like the man holding her life in his hands, made her want to start crying again. It was much easier to rail about her situation when she knew exactly how she felt about it.

  She knew next to nothing about the prince, and it scared her beyond belief that she wanted to get to know him more—not just as her master, but as a person as well. The first weeks they had spent talking before she knew who he was and what her straits were, she had always enjoyed it. He had been charming and funny and always concerned about how she felt and in tune with when it had been too long for her and she needed rest.

  She almost cursed the fates that had made the man she enjoyed being around the one that was now in control of her destiny. Even if she was grateful to him for saving her, her conflicted feelings were too much on top of everything else. She could feel the tears on her face but made no attempt to wipe them away. What did it matter anyway? She was alone with the cold comfort of the green grass, aloof and untouchable through the glass.

  As she sat there staring at nothing, it eventually grew dark outside. She began to see more of her reflection than she saw of the park below. As she focused on the image, noting the tear trails still on her cheeks, she glanced up a little and noticed another. Galdren was standing behind her, studying her appearance in the window.

  She almost fell off her seat backward in her effort to get up quickly. As she turned around, the look on his face was unreadable. Neither of them moved or said a word for what
seemed an eternity; then he slowly reached out and brushed at the tearstains.

  Avila felt her face flush at the brief contact, so she quickly turned her head. “I didn’t think you would be up to visit today.” She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. They were too close to the reason she had been crying, and she didn’t want him to know he had that much power over her.

  “I had things I had to attend to that took up most of my day.” At those words, her face flushed again. She had been thinking only of herself, but he was the prince; of course he had duties to attend to.

  Still far too embarrassed to look him in the face, she moved to the chairs across the room and took a seat. “I apologize for taking up your time. I wasn’t thinking. I know you are a busy man and have far greater concerns than seeing me every day.” She kept her head down and looked at her hands, wanting nothing more than to erase the telltale signs of her inner conflict off her face. She knew the attempt would only draw more attention to them, so she did nothing.

  After a few moments, he still had not moved or said another word, so she chanced a glance up. The look on his face was still mostly unreadable, but she caught a glimpse of anger in the set of his mouth and the look in his eyes.

  When their eyes caught, he strode over to where she was sitting but did not join her. He stood towering above her for a moment; he did not say a word, but she could not look away from his blue-green eyes if she had wanted to. He was a head taller than she was already, and seated like she was, she had to look almost straight up with him standing so close.

  Finally, with a sigh, Galdren took a couple of steps and sat on the opposite chair. His intense stare and the tenseness in his chiseled jaw relaxed. Much more like his usual charming self, he kept Avila’s gaze trapped.

  “I had something I wanted to talk to you about tonight, and though I did not plan on being this late, I think it may be better.” At those ominous words, despite his apparent goal of casualness, Avila had to restrain a shudder.

  She tried to match his effort at being nonchalant, but she knew her posture was still tense, and she could do nothing about it, especially after a statement like that. “I am always here at your convenience.” She knew there was a touch of bitterness in her words, but she couldn’t help that either.

  His jaw flexed, but he released it quickly before he replied, “I understand you are probably frustrated, and from what I have seen of you, I doubt you are practiced at trying to cut with words.” At that, she turned her head, even though she was sure he could still see her turning red. She could not look him in the eye as he continued.

  “I am trying to make this easy on you, and I need you to accept this. I know you are not the type of person for cruelty or grudges, and I want you to know I will do what I can to make this simpler for you, but this tension cannot continue just because we are alone.”

  She was sure his reason for wanting the tension to ease was not even close to her own, but she didn’t voice that thought and schooled the flush they gave her. “You are right, Your Highness; I do not mean to be snippy or hurtful. I apologize for my earlier statement and ask that you please forgive me, as I am under some strain.” She managed the whole sentence without a stutter, a flush, or needing to look away. She had to make sure her thoughts stayed only on the task at hand and tried to look at it as a project. He was in control, but it was still her job to do as asked graciously. She had nothing else she could do about it, and she never did anything except for her best.

  Her words brought a smile to his face, a real smile that, for a moment, put a spark in his eyes. As she looked at him, she tried not to think of how attractive he was. He had broad shoulders, and his honeyed hair kissed his collar. When he moved, he had the graceful, sure movements of someone who understood economy of motion. As she started to think about how his hips tapered, she realized he was talking to her, and that she was daydreaming again—about something and someone she absolutely should not be. The ends of her lips had upturned the tiniest bit, which he must have taken as a sign of truce. When she realized she had missed his words, the smile left her face immediately, and she blazed red.

  She recovered and tried to respond without letting him know she’d been distracted. “I am glad we can move on, and in all honesty, I will be happy to help in whatever way you need me to.” She was rattled, and she knew her response was tepid at best. It probably had nothing to do with what he had been saying, but she was still trying to focus away from him.

  He looked confused at her answer, and she didn’t blame him. “Well, I am glad you didn’t call me ‘Your Highness.’ I want you to know you can call me Galdren. What I started to say was, I hope we can be friends through all this. I enjoy the time I get to spend talking to you. You are an intelligent young woman, and it is nice not to be fawned over by simpering idiots.”

  “Simpering idiots? Your High—I mean, Galdren, surely you cannot be talking about the people that surround you every day?”

  That time he laughed. “I wasn’t sure if I had your complete attention. You seemed distracted there for a bit, but yes, some of them are exactly that. They are much more concerned with my title and how to get the most of it for themselves than they are about me personally. It is a refreshing change to talk to you. Even if you are mad at me, you still speak to me like a person and not a title.”

  So, he had noticed her being distracted; she prayed to the goddess he wouldn’t guess why. “I can only be me. Most people are disturbed by my directness. I apologize for not catching everything you said, but you will have my full attention going forward. I am grateful for all you have done for me and for all your patience. I am just glad that being myself can ease your burden.” With that, they both chuckled, and she could feel some of the tension leave her body. She decided then and there that even though she had agreed to do whatever was necessary with all her zeal, she would also not let her situation drag her into reacting instead of doing what she could to make the most of it.

  5. Overdue Information

  Monday morning came, and true to his word, Professor Gilbert was there with her graded papers and much better reports. “These will be handy for you to use as study guides for the test at the end of the week. I have marked the few incorrect answers for you to go back and find what you did wrong. You can let me know if you have any questions before Friday.”

  The grades on her papers were indeed much better this time. Although they still were not up to her usual level of competence, Avila was in an excellent mood and did not let it bother her. She didn’t even allow the thought of the upcoming test to faze her. After her talk with Galdren on Friday, they had come to a kind of truce. There was still a touch of tension between them, but it wasn’t because she was nervous around him or because of any lingering resentment. She still struggled with the possibility she might be starting to care for him, but hoped that if she didn’t think about it, it wouldn’t become an issue. The fact that he’d come over for short visits with no one else there that went smoothly on both Saturday and Sunday was a boost for her mood. She had enjoyed his company so much that she had almost forgotten to contact her parents both days. At least they had not been upset by the late call when they saw her bright smile.

  She tried telling herself it was because she was happy she wouldn’t have to put up with the uncomfortableness that had been between them before, and not at all because she thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him.

  “Avila, I thought we were past the point of distractedness, and you were on to focusing on your studies?” The professor’s words brought a sudden flush to her cheeks, and she jumped a little guiltily. She thanked the goddess that he could not read her mind, then focused on the task at hand. Soon enough, all wayward thoughts became nonexistent.

  Professor Gilbert was getting started on the last subject when Galdren came in to join them. He quietly sat off to the side to not be a distraction. Although for Avila, just having Galdren in
the room was a distraction. She realized it may begin to be a problem and resolved to focus more on what she was doing whenever he was around. Which would probably help with her other issue, as well.

  After the professor was done giving his instructions for the last assignment, he stepped over and quietly chatted with Galdren while Avila finished her work. Several times, she found herself trying to listen to them and not focusing. She chastised herself each time and worked harder to finish so she could be done and go join them. Besides, she knew being distracted would not help her grades, which would not make anyone in the room pleased with her.

  By the time she finished, Professor Gilbert had started to pick up his things to get ready to leave. She had just enough time to answer the last question before handing it over to him. “Well, well, that must have been a tough lesson. You never take the whole time for the questions. I guess I will have to grade this without going over any of the answers before I leave. If you really need to discuss them, we can try to fit it in tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t put us behind.” Avila knew Professor Gilbert was saying this pointedly because somehow, he had figured out she had been preoccupied instead of concentrating on her work. She only hoped the professor had kept Galdren distracted as well. The last thing she wanted to do was try to explain to the prince why she was unfocused.

  She managed to school her blush fairly well by turning and focusing on the window as the professor took her papers. It was a beautiful day outside, which sufficed to distract her from all her worries in the room. Unfortunately, it also reminded her she had not been out in ages. Even though she tried to squash it, a pang of regret and something akin to homesickness washed over her.