Shattered Dreams

by Shirley Wilkinson

  After she said her goodbyes to Professor Gilbert, she walked over to the window seat without looking at Galdren. At the moment, between the feeling of being locked up and the feeling of being overwhelmed by his presence, she didn’t trust herself to not do or say something stupid. The newfound and fragile truce between them was something she wanted to keep, so instead, she focused on watching the leaves that had started to turn bright orange and red fall to the ground. It was another poignant reminder of how much time had passed while she was stuck inside.

  Avila placed her hand on the glass, as if she could reach out and grasp the falling leaves if she tried. She had almost forgotten that Galdren was there in her silent inspection of the autumn splendor just outside her reach. Her hand grew cold from the glass, and for the first time in days, she had to fight back the tears again.

  In her distraction, she had once again missed Galdren speaking. Luckily, it was getting easier for her to get her wayward emotions under control, and she quickly turned to face him. He was standing in almost the same spot he had been on Friday. The irony of the situation was not lost on her.

  “My apologies, Your Highness, I mean—Galdren.” She repressed a sigh. “I really am trying, you know. Anyway, I apologize, but I was distracted by my thoughts, and I did not catch what you said. It really is the leaves’ fault, you know; they are quite beautiful right now.”

  His expression grew thoughtful and his eyes were considering as they searched her own. He stood there like that for several moments before he said anything at all, stretching the silence and searching her face until it started to become awkward. Finally, when Avila began to blush under his scrutiny, she decided she had to say something, if only to try to break the silence. It was at that point that he finally spoke again.

  “I was commenting on the fact that you seem to be getting back in the habit of studying well again. The professor is pleased with your progress so far and feels like you should be able to graduate only a little later than you would have.” Avila wanted to groan at that. Of course, that had been what they were talking about—her grades. It made her feel like she was back in junior school with Lila and Thomas, only it embarrassed her ten times worse with it being Galdren. For some reason thinking of him in the role of her guardian, as the one wanting to keep her in line or making sure she was doing well, made her want to cringe.

  He obviously wasn’t done, since he still had that look on his face. It seemed like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say, and Avila was far too embarrassed to say anything, so she waited for him to figure it out.

  “Do you want to leave that badly, or do you simply miss spending time as you please, when you please?” He had never asked her what she wanted directly before, and it took her by surprise. Although he was trying to hide it, she could also tell that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

  Now it was her turn to examine him before she responded. Why would he ask her that question? Surely, he already knew that she would be happier if her life wasn’t at someone else’s whim, but she tried not to focus on that and instead considered what would drive him to ask in the first place. He’d obviously noted she wanted to be outside. Maybe he did want to make her comfortable, but she also knew there was no way she could leave, even if she said something. So, she decided to tell him the truth—a bit of it, at least.

  “Galdren, I am not unhappy here. You have been more than gracious, and I am grateful, but I am an outdoor creature. I always have been. I used to love spending as much of my free time as possible in the forest outside the city. This time of year is particularly beautiful with all the trees dressed in their finery and just the right amount of crispness in the air. It makes everything look brighter and smell cleaner. It makes me feel alive.” She closed her eyes while speaking to capture each of those treasured memories again for a moment behind her eyelids while she conjured them for someone else.

  When she opened her eyes, Galdren had taken the step that separated them and was looking down at her face intently. He stood there long enough for her to lose her breath entirely due to his proximity and intensity before he stepped past her and to the window himself. He seemed oblivious to the void he had left behind.

  “You know, you could almost be called rapturous as you were describing the autumn. I don’t think I have ever heard it portrayed that way before. I know I have never heard you mention it that way.” He said all of this with his back to her while he was still looking out the window, and it almost seemed as though the longer he spoke, the angrier he was getting.

  “As a matter of fact, I don’t believe I have ever heard you mention anything about being outside—ever.” With that, he finally turned around, and there was no doubt. He was livid, but she was not about to apologize for wanting to go outside. It wasn’t as though she ever got to.

  “You want me to treat you like a person, well, all right then. Don’t you dare get angry with me because I want to go outside! Just because I kept my feelings to myself because I know how things are and know what I can and can’t do doesn’t mean I don’t still have the desire. It certainly doesn’t mean if you ask me a question I will not answer you truthfully, even if you may not like the answer.” By the time she finished, the look on his face had transformed into one of pure shock.

  He stared at her for a moment, clearly not sure how to process what had just happened. Avila was chagrined as she continued, “Um, is that the first time someone’s talked back to you?” She looked up into his face to see if her question might break the pall that seemed to have fallen on the room. Since she had said her piece, she felt terrible for lashing out. It wasn’t usually in her nature to get angry like that, and she hoped to bring a little levity back.

  It worked, a little at least. He looked chagrined, but he still managed a half-smile as he answered, “No one except my parents has ever thought to tell me openly exactly what they were thinking, except maybe Professor Gilbert. I am sad to say even he hasn’t since I have become an adult.”

  The stormy look came back into his eyes after that, but it was a tempered storm. “I am, however, still angry with you.” He paused and held up one hand as she opened her mouth. “No, don’t say a word until I am finished, please. I have spent months talking with you, and I thought we were opening up.”

  Avila couldn’t help a small snort at that, but at a look from him, she motioned to let him know she was still listening. “In all our conversations, not once did you mention the fact that you love being outdoors. From the look on your face as you talk about it, I can tell it is a passion for you, and you have not said a single thing about it to me. You talk about desires and what you can and can’t do, and that makes no sense because you have never even asked me. How can you know? I am not angry because you want to go outside. I am angry because you never mentioned it. I told you before I would do all I can to make you comfortable, to make this easy for you. Why do you feel it has to be hard?”

  Avila was stunned by his words and the earnestness in them. He really did want to make this easier for her, even down to letting her out sometimes. She wasn’t sure if she was elated by that news or insulted. She squashed the part of her thoughts telling her it felt like he was taking care of a prized pet and decided to go with elated. She knew the feeling must have shown on her face because Galdren’s smile grew as well, which in turn reignited her own warm and fuzzies. She hoped the slight blush would be written off as excitement.

  “I did not try to purposely hide anything from you; it is just that I didn’t think that, well, you know . . . with the situation being what it is, that I would be allowed to leave. Every time I mentioned visiting anyone, in the beginning, it was always ‘they can visit you.’ I assumed that meant I was never going to leave here until you figured out what you wanted to do with me.” As soon as those last words left her mouth, her hand flew up to her lips to cover them, and she wished she could call them back. She had never asked before what he
had planned for her. She was too scared to, and she hadn’t meant to now, even in a roundabout way.

  He studied her red face for a moment, then turned away and sat down before motioning her to join him. “Would it surprise you if I told you I am taking this one day at a time too?” His simple question opened up a whole new world of possibilities for her. On the one hand, it meant he didn’t have any unknown plan he was saving her for that she had to worry about. Then again, if he didn’t know why he was keeping her . . . why was he keeping her? She wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to that question.

  “Galdren, I am not asking you what you are planning for me. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I will accept things as they come. I have told you I will do what I can to . . . to do this graciously.” She stumbled a little when she thought about the totality of what that might entail. Still, she was encouraged by her life with Galdren so far and chose to take heart from that instead of dwelling on the negative possibilities.

  Galdren sighed in frustration. “I would like to believe everything you have said is true. You certainly seem to be improving with me, but if I find you are keeping things from me because you think I don’t want to know them or you have already decided it doesn’t matter without asking, how can I trust you?”

  Avila’s mouth popped open into a perfect O. It took a moment for her to recover and another for her to realize it would do no good to lose her temper again. She reined it in before she answered, “I have underestimated you, and I apologize for that. I realize now when you say everything, you mean everything. You can decide if it will be right or wrong, not I.” She did not mind sharing with him so much as the fact that increasingly, her life was slipping beyond her control, and it was unsettling. Not to mention the fact that the share everything door was still, mostly, one-way. She knew more about Galdren than she had when she first arrived, but he was reluctant to talk about himself. He often changed the subject back to her whenever he could.

  “You know, you have a beautiful mouth when you pout, but overall, it doesn’t suit you. You are much better suited to a happier mood.” His unexpected compliment erased the pout from her face. It was quickly replaced by a beet-red flush that no amount of ducking was going to hide. The fact that she blushed at his compliment brought a laugh to his lips.

  “That is more like it.” He chuckled again as she gave him a dirty look. She knew he was teasing her for turning red, but she felt much better. She always felt better when he laughed.

  Avila started to relax and even to laugh with him at her own expense, but at his next words, she sobered instantly. “Okay, so, let’s talk about what I plan on doing with you now.” It threw her off a bit, because he was still grinning like a schoolboy. “Hmm, what to do, what to do?” He started tapping his chin as if he were deliberating several possibilities and shooting glances at her from the corner of his eyes. However, the effect was ruined by the fact that he never lost the grin. She realized he was up to some sort of game, but she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to play along. This was new.

  She stood up to pace, both for effect and to think. She always thought better when she was walking. She occasionally caught glimpses of him watching as she wandered back and forth, with a small smile still playing across his mouth. Obviously, he was in a much better mood, so she didn’t want to say anything to make him mad again, but she had no idea what he wanted. The playfulness was a change and something she didn’t want to mess up, so what to do? What had made his mood change? When she told him she would tell him everything? Maybe. He had been furious that she was keeping her feelings from him. If that was it, should she just tell him it was up to him, and she would respect his decision like she said she would? Or should she tell him what she wanted? This was more difficult than she thought it would be. She started to feel like she wanted to go back to bed and let his plans be damned.

  By the time she decided to say something one way or the other, she turned to find he was leaning against the back of one of the chairs, watching her pace with a small smile. He reached up and put both of his hands on her shoulders in a reassuring gesture. “Have you been deliberating whether to tell me what to do with you or to tell me to just get it over with?”

  Once again, she turned red, but this time, she didn’t look away, because she was indeed going to tell him one of those two things, if not in quite the same words. Though his next sentence made her smile.

  “Or were you going to tell me to go take a leap and take my demands with me?” He said the last with a horrid attempt to hide the laughter that came out with it.

  She couldn’t stay upset or tense. His poor effort at humor in and of itself was humorous enough to settle her nerves. “Why Your Highness, your attempts at drollery are truly epic, and I am sure I would not know what I should do if you were to do away with yourself.” She smirked in satisfaction as he choked on his laughter, and then she couldn’t help but laugh too.

  After they both settled down, he grabbed her hand to lead her back to the chairs, which instantly had her heart racing. She tried to ignore that side of what she felt whenever he was around her. She was coming to terms with the fact that she did feel something, but she didn’t know what, and she didn’t want to know. That path was a dangerous one, and not worth exploring.

  As soon as she was seated, and he released her hand, she worked to get her traitorous heart under control. By the time he was comfortably facing her with an easy smile on his face, she had erased all signs of her inner conflict.

  “Okay, so no leaping. Well then, how would you like to spend the day with me next weekend at Araleen Royal Park?”

  He was actually asking; she could turn him down if she wanted to. She could see the choice in his eyes. The alternative, however, was another weekend stuck inside her padded prison. It was no choice at all, and she wasn’t all that upset about it. In fact, she had to school herself just to formulate a coherent response.

  “Araleen? The large natural preserve some ways to the north of here, in the Berges Mountains?”

  “Yes, they call it a park, but it is a preserve, and normally it is off-limits. That is, without the express permission of the royal family . . .” He raised an eyebrow at her and grinned. The sight of it made her roll her eyes. There was no need to point out the obvious.

  She somehow managed to keep the laughter from her voice as she responded, “I have never been that far north before, but I have heard it gets cold sooner. I would love to see it.” A brightness started in her eyes and crept into her cheeks as she thought about it.

  Avila became lost in thoughts of all she had heard of the preserve—the wildlife, the landscape, and the weather this time of year—and was only interrupted from her reverie by Galdren standing up. He no longer wore the half-smile, but he was not in the foul mood he had been in either. “Avila, please don’t let this distract you this week. However, if you can promise me you will do your best in your studies, I will bring you all the information I can on the preserve for you to go over before the weekend.”

  “Of course, you don’t even need to ask that; I would love any information you could get me. Thank you.” Her smile was radiant, and they both realized at about the same time that it was the first genuine and unchecked smile she had ever given him. She blushed a little but only lowered the smile a notch or so. She was grateful for the chance to see a beautiful piece of their world, one she had already dreamed of seeing.

  “I need to go now, but I will see you again tomorrow.” His sudden change of mood and brief dismissal were abrupt, but Avila was still in a good enough mood that it didn’t bother her. She took him at his word, both that he would be back the following day, and when he came back, it would be with the information he promised.

  “Thank you, Galdren, for everything. Good night.” Before he had time to take a step and before she had time to think about what she was doing, Avila went with her gut for once and closed the gap between them to fling
her arms around his middle. It was only a moment later that she realized what she had done and where she was. Her face started blazing before she could even think to untangle her arms, but the second before she began to step away, she felt his arms encircle her as well.

  “You’re welcome.” The combination of his embrace and his words right next to her ear was almost more than she could handle. The situation was quickly becoming more than what she had expected, and she needed to leave before she did something even more ridiculous than hugging him in the first place.

  She told her knees to stop wobbling, even if she could not stop her face from betraying her, and released him. At first, she could still feel the warmth of his breath next to her ear, and his arms didn’t move. It took all her remaining resolve to take a step back and break the contact. It would have been too easy to reach out to touch him. Whether he allowed her to or not, both paths would lead to treacherous territory.

  She looked at his face for a moment, totally unguarded and almost gentle, but also confused. She could tell he didn’t know what to think of her; he probably did not understand why she’d hugged him in the first place or why she pulled away from him, but she could not let him get any further under her skin. He had too much control of her as it was.

  She turned and almost ran to the attached bedroom. At the door, she stopped to look at him. From that somewhat objective distance, she said again, “Good night, Galdren.” She was still flushed, and she could not look away from him as he stood there, saying nothing at all and clearly trying to figure out what had just happened. His silence only deepened her embarrassment, and she bowed to him for the first time in weeks before retreating to her bedroom with him still staring at her door.

  6. Deadly Dreams

  Her head hurt horribly, and she was having a tough time concentrating on her surroundings; she could hear voices somewhere but, for some reason, could not muster enough strength to sit up and find out where they were, or who they were. Nothing was making any sense. After several tries, she managed to get up on her elbows without the dizziness knocking her flat again. Once she was there, it only took a few more minutes of slow movement to sit up and get her legs over the side of the cot. It looked like she was inside a small tent. The voices were coming from outside, and there were several people. There was also a small fire flickering through a gap in the door flaps. She could see a couple of shadows between the tent and the fire, but knew she had heard voices coming from the other sides of the tent as well.