Addiction

by Brie Paisley

  My mouth drops, hearing what he’s saying. Is he really trying to play this off like I’m only in love with him just because he’s my Dom? “I’ve shown you pleasure like you’ve never experienced before, so of course, you think you love me.”

  “Don’t you dare try to tell me how I think and feel,” I cut in. My anger and frustration suddenly take over, as I state, “I know how I feel about you, and it has nothing to do with the way you fuck me.”

  He nods again, as he says, “Tonight was a mistake.”

  I swallow hard, as my heart thumps hard in my chest, before asking, “Which part? The one where we had a moment on the dance floor? Or could it be in the bathroom, where you actually showed me how you felt?”

  Feeling sick to my stomach, I keep reminding myself that he’ll just admit his feelings for me. I know there is something he’s holding back, but I just need him to tell me. As he runs a hand through his hair, I ask, “Do you have any feelings for me at all?"

  His answer is instant.

  “No.”

  My chest clenches, as my stomach drops, hearing his answer. “So, what? I’m just nothing more than your fuck toy to play with whenever you see fit? That’s it?”

  Shaking my head, as he stays silent, I claim, “I know you’re lying, not only to me, but to yourself. You may not want to admit it, but I know you feel something more than just sexual attraction to me.”

  “Trixie, don’t make up something that isn’t there.”

  Raising my eyebrows, I nod my head, and then look down at the bracelet on my wrist. For so long, when I looked down at it, I would smile, as happiness would flow through me. That bracelet reminded me that I had someone that knew me and knew exactly what I wanted. But now? Now, it’s just another reminder that I have no one. It’s a symbol of a man that would rather fuck me than admit his feelings for me.

  Without giving it another thought, I rip it off my wrist, ignoring the pain that comes with it. Honestly, I barely feel it compared to how my chest is feeling right now. Crossing the room, I hold out the bracelet, daring him to take it from me.

  “I don’t want it anymore, Sebastian.”

  Shock and confusion are laced in those beautiful green eyes, but I’m not going to waste another moment being with him, if he doesn’t want to admit how he feels. Earlier tonight, I was worried about how much longer I could do this with him.

  I have my answer now.

  “I can’t keep pretending like you do, so take it,” I tempt him again.

  He slowly reaches for it, as if he thinks I’ll change my mind at the last minute, but I won’t. I can’t. I refuse to keep playing this game with him. I’ve waited so long for him, but now I realize, I may never actually have him. I don’t want him just as my Dom anymore.

  I want all of him or nothing.

  Once he has the bracelet in his hand, I turn my back to him, and then walk to the door. As I open it, I look back at him. “I’d like you to leave.” God, just knowing this is it hurts so much, but I have to stay strong.

  “Trixie, don’t do this,” he demands, but I ignore it.

  Even if my first instinct is to obey, I don’t. “I need you to go, Sebastian.”

  His gaze drops down to the floor, but he does what I’ve asked him to. I try my best not to look at him, but it’s hard not to take one final look at him, as he steps right outside my door. He genuinely looks upset that I’m asking him to leave, or maybe, it’s just shock, because I’m the one ending things.

  His gaze finds mine, as I hold onto the doorknob tightly. With a hard look, he says, “You don’t have to do this.”

  Pushing out a deep breath, my chest clenches again, as I claim. “Yes, I do.”

  I have to do this not only for me, but for him, too.

  Before he can say another word, I shut the door, and then lock it. Sliding down onto the floor, I place both of my hands on my head, as the overwhelming sense of loneliness washes through me. As tears begin to pool in my eyes, I let myself wallow in the pain of losing him.

  I won’t be with someone that refuses to be honest with himself. Yes, I should’ve known from the very beginning that our road was going to end up here, but I really thought things had changed between us. I thought whatever demons that have been holding him back wouldn’t be the reason for all of this.

  But I was wrong.

  Turns out, I was the biggest fool for falling for Sebastian Matvei.

  Three weeks later

  Knocking on the door, I wait for either Viktor or Ava to answer. Once I get the okay, I peek my head inside, and then walk into the hospital room. Grinning, once I see Ava holding little Alexei, I wave to Viktor, sitting beside them.

  “He’s beautiful,” I quietly say, hoping not to wake the little guy.

  When I got the call early this morning that Ava was going into labor, my first reaction was excitement. I knew Ava was feeling a bit miserable, and she was ready for him to get here. On the other hand, I was nervous coming here, because I just knew Sebastian would be here.

  It’s been a rough three weeks.

  I’ve tried to move on and forget he ever existed. I’ve tried not to remember all the times, when we were together, and how good it was to have him in my life. I’ve tried to push away my feelings for him, pretending I’m not still hurting. It’s difficult to say the least, having to see him every night at work, and acting like I’m fine. It was even harder to keep up the façade, when I saw him at Gabbie’s birthday party, smiling and laughing with her and Nikolai. It’s hard to look Ava, Viktor, or even Kendra in the eyes and not fall apart. Somehow, I’ve done a good job at convincing them all that I’m fine, but the truth is, I feel like I lost a part of myself.

  “Do you want to hold him?” Ava asks, and I’m grateful for the distraction.

  “Uh, okay,” I say, unsure about this. He looks so small and fragile, but I don’t get a chance to change my mind. Ava hands him over, like he’s not the most breakable thing in the world.

  I awkwardly hold him at first, because what the hell do I know about babies? But the more I get used to his weight, and the longer I stare at his tiny hands, something changes. I hold him closer, actually enjoying the feel of him in my arms. He wiggles around some, but I start to hum, and he quickly stops, falling deeper into sleep. I even begin to sway gently, unable to keep my eyes off him.

  I missed the chance to do this when Nikolai was born, so now, I’m glad I’m here, experiencing this beautiful moment with my best friend. Glancing up, Ava smiles, as Viktor holds her hand. They both seem blissfully happy, and I know it’s because of this little guy I’m holding.

  And then, it hits me.

  It’s a sensation I’ve never felt before, and at first, I frown at the feeling. Looking back down at Alexei, I realize what it is that I’m sensing. It’s a longing for this happiness I’m becoming aware of. What would it be like to have something so precious for myself? How amazing would it be to love someone so unconditionally, and they love me back the exact same way?

  I’ve never thought much about having kids of my own, because I didn’t think that I’d be good at it. My mother sure hasn’t given me anything to make me think I could be a good mom, but that still doesn’t stop the longing for it. It’s sort of crazy that I’m suddenly having baby fever, but I don’t mind it actually. I’ll just blame Alexei and how cute he is.

  I’m not sure how long I hold him, or how long I stand there just gazing at him. Honestly, I feel as though I could do this all day, and then be just fine with it.

  But the spell is broken, as I hear the door to Ava’s room open. At first, I don’t glance up towards it, thinking it’s just a nurse coming to check on her, but then, I feel it.

  The sense of being watched, and an all too familiar hum flows through me.

  Without looking up, I already know who just walked into the room.

  Unable to help myself, I glance up, finding his gaze already on me. My heart jumps, seeing him, even though I literally just saw him last night at the c
lub. However, my body has yet to get the memo that I’m done with him. No matter how many times I remind myself that it’s done and over with, I still want him.

  I still need him.

  The moment between us seems to stand still, as I continue to hold Alexei. Sebastian doesn’t make a move to come further into the room, nor does he utter a word. It’s like he’s frozen in place, but I don’t understand why. All I do know is, my feelings for him haven’t changed. If anything, they’re stronger now than they ever were. Is it because I’ve realized he’ll never want me, so I’m just chasing the dream?

  Alexei lets out a small whine, and I instantly glance down, making sure he’s alright. When he does it again, I look at Ava, as she says, “He’s getting hungry.”

  Walking to her, I hand him over, as a wave of sadness rushes through me. It’s strange, but then again, as I was holding him, I felt … okay. Now that my distraction is gone, I feel it all again. All the pain of being rejected by Sebastian comes crashing back, as if it just happened.

  Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I step back. As Viktor begins to help Ava feed Alexei, I say, “I’ll give you some privacy. Do either of you need anything?”

  “Would you mind bringing us some decent food? I’m already sick of the crappy hospital food,” Ava says, as she slides her arm out of her shirt.

  Unsure if she’ll mind if I see her boob or not, I start to head towards the door, as she tells Viktor to text me what they want to eat. I don’t have a problem seeing breasts of course, and I’m all for women breast feeding, but I need to step out of the room for a moment. Plus, I’m sure Ava and Viktor would rather have some privacy, bonding with their new baby.

  Walking right past Sebastian, I ignore his presence, even though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done. Pushing out a heavy sigh, as I walk out into the hall, I head towards the elevator, trying not to think about him, or what I just felt in that room. It’s just better to forget about it and pretend it never happened.

  However, today must not be my day.

  Feeling a hand on mine, I stop, knowing exactly who’s trying to get my attention. Slowly turning around, I tell myself I can do this. I can act nice, as if he doesn’t affect me. The thing is, as soon as I look into his green eyes, I remember why I was never good at acting. God, why does this have to be so fucking hard? Why can’t I just stop loving him?

  “Do you have a second?” He asks, and I feel like I don’t have much of a choice.

  Shrugging out of his grasp, I say, “Sure. What’s up?”

  He frowns for a moment, and I wonder if he hears the weird tone of my voice. I’m literally seconds away from losing it, and I don’t want to be here, when the tears come. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything about it, and I’m glad. I don’t want to be this ‘poor, pitiful me’ type of girl.

  “I think we should revisit our agreement.”

  “On what?” He narrows his eyes, as if I’m supposed to know what the hell he’s talking about.

  “Our relationship, Trixie.”

  Letting out a laugh, I ask, “What relationship? We didn’t have one, remember?”

  He looks away, and then runs a hand through his hair, before saying, “I think we should negotiate a new agreement between us.”

  “No, Sebastian.”

  “No?” He asks, and a deep frown appears on his face. “What do you mean no?”

  “It means, I don’t want to be around you, knowing you’re still not able to admit your feelings. It means, I don’t want to be with you and not know exactly how you feel about me.” Taking a step back, I add, “I can’t be with you, until you figure out what you want. Be honest with yourself, Sebastian, and then come talk to me.” Shaking my head, I add, “I highly doubt you’ll ever figure it out, so I’m not going to wait around for you. I’ve wasted enough time on you, so please, just let me go.”

  “Don’t,” he demands, and then clenches his jaw. I’ve apparently hit a nerve, but I’m done caring. “Don’t you think I want to feel something for you? I’ve tried, and I just don’t.”

  “Wow,” I start, and then stop, as I try not to let it affect me. “You know what I don’t get? Why are you here right now, standing here, asking for something I can’t give you, if you don’t care about me? Why stand up to my mother at the gala, if you don’t care?” That definitely gets his attention.

  When I got a call from Dad a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t believe him at first, when he told me what Sebastian did and said to my mother. Apparently, he put her in her place, and defended me without any hesitation.

  Glancing down at my feet for a moment, I steel myself, when I look back up. “What’s the point? If you don’t have any feelings for me at all, then why are you here, asking me to make a new agreement with you?”

  When he doesn’t answer me, I take another step back from him. “See, you can’t even tell me why you’re here, asking for all of this. Why can’t you just tell me, Sebastian?”

  “It’s complicated,” he roughly states, but it’s not good enough.

  “That’s not an answer, and until you can answer me properly, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Turning around, I ignore the pain in my chest, and how badly I want to throw up.

  However, I don’t get very far. He reaches for me again, and I jerk my hand out of his, as I state, “Don’t. Just don’t. I’m done, okay? I’ll see you at work.”

  Thankfully, he drops his hand, nods, and then lets me leave. Getting into the elevator, I push the number I need to get the hell out of here for a bit, and completely ignore the look on his face, as I all but yelled, that I was done. If I even let myself question that look of devastation, I’ll end up doing something so fucking stupid.

  So, I don’t.

  I push it down with all the other awful emotions, rushing through me. As the elevator starts to move, I drop my head, wishing things could be different.

  But I can’t make Sebastian become a different person.

  He has to do that all on his own.

  Two weeks later

  Finally feeling like myself again, I finish blow drying my hair, and actually welcome the energy, flowing through me. I must be the unluckiest person alive, since I not only had the flu for over a week, but then, I somehow picked up strep throat. With all the damn medications I’ve been on, it’s about time, I feel like a normal person again.

  After drying my hair, I opt for more comfortable clothes, knowing I’m not going anywhere. I haven't been to work in two weeks, and I know I’ll eventually have to go back. Honestly, while I’ve felt as if I was dying for two weeks, I’m kind of glad I got some distance from the club. More importantly, time away from Sebastian. It’s been easier to keep my broken heart in check without staring into the eyes of the man that broke it.

  Letting out a sigh, as I walk into the living room, I remind myself not to fall down the rabbit hole. Usually, I’m alright during the day, but it’s at night, that affects me the most. Needing a distraction, I decide to call Kendra, and thank her for taking care of me, while I was under the weather. Granted, she looked ridiculous in a mask, but I can’t blame her. The last thing I wanted was for her to get sick, so I kept the jokes about her mask to myself. Picking up my phone, I start to do just that, when I hear a knock at the door.

  Frowning, I get up and set my phone back down, wondering who it could be. I’ve banned Ava from coming over, because until I know I’m one hundred percent healthy again, I don’t want to risk her taking any germs back home to her kids. Not thinking anything about my mysterious visitor, I open the door, and then instantly frown.

  My heart races, seeing him standing inches away from me, holding three containers of what looks like soup in his hand. For a moment, we can only look at one another, and I try my hardest not to remember every second of our time together, and every single sensation he made me feel.

  But no matter how much time or distance I put between us, it seems I’m incapable of shaking Sebastian Matvei from my life or my heart.
r />   “I brought soup,” he states, as he gives me the containers.

  “Um, thanks.” Holding the food with both hands, I add, “I’ll be back at work this weekend.” I have no idea if that’s the reason why he’s here or not, but I refuse to ask. I don’t want to feel any sort of hope that he’s actually here for me, and then be disappointed to find out otherwise.

  Which is why I’m shocked to my core, when he asks, “Can we talk?”

  It’s not because of the question asked, it’s because of the way he says it. There is a sadness in his voice, and as I stare into those green eyes, I realize there is pain laced in them.

  Unable to deny him, I stand aside, as I say, “Sure. Come in.”

  With a nod, he walks into my apartment, and I slowly shut the door, hoping this isn’t a mistake. Making my way towards the fridge, I place the containers of food inside, wondering if I’ll be able to eat all of it, before it goes bad. Shutting it, I glance at him, sitting on the couch. My chest clenches, seeing him sitting there, like he still belongs here. Sighing, I will myself to push away the urge to go to him, and then wrap my arms around him.

  “Thank you. For the soup, I mean,” I manage to say, scolding myself for being so nervous around him. It’s hard to act normal around him, which is why I usually avoid him at work.

  “I made chicken noodle, tomato, and potato soup for you.” I don’t dare move from where I’m standing, because something inside of me, is telling me not to. My instincts are screaming to let him talk. “When you told me you were sick, I wanted to come over and take care of you.”

  He’s not even looking at me, as he talks, and I wonder if that’s the only way he’s getting through his words. “Then I realized, I couldn’t come over, because you wouldn’t want me to, and then, I decided to make you soup. That’s what my mom made me, when I was sick, so I thought you’d like that.”

  Swallowing down the sudden lump in my throat, as he glances to me, I freeze, seeing the sorrow, staring right back at me. “I don’t even know what kind of soup you like. I don’t know what your favorite drink is, or what foods you hate. I don’t know how you like your coffee, or what your favorite TV shows are.” His jaw clenches, as he looks away, and I get the feeling he’s angry at himself, but I don’t understand why.