Addiction

by Brie Paisley

  Walking across the room, I take a seat beside him, and then ask, “Why are you telling me all of this?”

  “Because Trixie, I didn’t want to know them, at least, that’s what I kept telling myself.” I frown, as my stomach drops, thinking this conversation is starting off terrible. But then, he quietly says, “Losing you, made me realize I’ve been lying to myself. The moment you gave me your bracelet, I knew there was something different about you, and that makes me want to get to know you.”

  My brain literally stops working, as I listen to him, and all I can do is sit here and listen. He turns towards me, and my eyes widen, as he says, “What I do know is I can’t keep pretending anymore. I’ve tried to forget you and everything about you. I’ve tried to push you away, but yet, you’re here.” He claims, as he points to his chest. “Every single day. You were right to call me out, because I fucked up.”

  He stops for a moment, and I’m speechless. When I woke up this morning, all I wanted was to feel normal again. I had no idea he would show up at my doorstep, and then admit all of this.

  “It’s time that you know why I am the way that I am.” All I can do is nod, because apparently, I’ve lost the ability to speak. Honestly, I fear this moment isn’t real. What if this is just me hallucinating in my sickly state? I’ve wanted this moment to happen for so long, and it’s finally happening. But I know it’s all real, as he reaches over and tucks my hair behind my ear. The gesture is so tender, and I close my eyes for a moment, relishing the moment.

  “What do you know about Viktor’s ex, Misty?” He asks in a rough voice, and my eyes snap wide open.

  Clearing my throat, I say, “Not much. I know she used to be a dancer at the club, and that she and Viktor dated.” I never met her, but I know she wasn’t liked by anyone at the club. Ava mentioned her once, saying she was a greedy bitch. I got the feeling she’d rather not talk about her. Other than that, I never bothered to ask about it.

  I had no reason to ask.

  He nods, and then places his elbows on his knees, as he stares straight ahead. “Misty and Viktor dated for a while, before he brought the contracts up for the girls. She’s the reason why he felt they were needed, because of what she did. His reasons were valid, since it not only protected us from the dancers, but it also benefited them, too.”

  I know all about the contract he’s talking about. Before I was hired, Viktor gave me a two-year contract, and in it, was a very detailed list of rules that I had to follow in order to keep my job. “I honestly didn’t care about the contracts, but I knew it mattered more to him. So, I let him do whatever he felt he needed, but the damage had already been done.”

  With each word, I notice how raspy his voice becomes. It’s like whatever he’s trying to tell me is difficult to talk about. “Back then, I was reckless, and I didn’t really care about much. I wanted to party and drink.” He takes in a deep breath, and then claims, “I was out of control.”

  I scoff of the idea of Sebastian ever being out of control, especially knowing how he is now. As he glances to me, he adds, “Yes, I was young and stupid, and I did a lot of stupid things. This was before I became a Dom.”

  “What does this have to do with Misty?”

  When he turns away from me, I worry he’s not going to finish his story. Not to mention, he stays silent for so long, I wonder what he’s thinking about. Before I can ask, he starts talking again.

  “Misty got pregnant, and then told Viktor the baby was his. He was over the moon about the news, but I knew she was a manipulative bitch.”

  His head drops, as he admits, “I kept my mouth shut though, because Viktor was happy. I didn’t want to do anything to mess with my brother’s happiness, so I acted like I was happy, too. The thing is, Misty wasn’t or couldn’t be content with the life she had. Lord only knows why. Vik gave her everything, like money, cars, and clothes. Honestly, whatever she wanted she got. Plus, she was making her own money dancing.”

  “He was so blinded by the baby that he overlooked what she was truly doing. She was using him, and I knew it, so I made it clear to her that I wasn’t okay with it. I wanted her to leave the club and my brother alone. She was toxic for him, and I had a feeling Viktor wasn’t her only boyfriend.”

  “Turns out, I was right. She had been cheating on Viktor for months, and I confronted her about it. I threatened to tell Viktor, if she didn’t leave, but I should’ve realized Misty wasn’t the type to follow demands.”

  My stomach sinks, as my heart begins to race, listening to him talk. God, there is so much agony in his voice, as if just talking about this is causing him tremendous pain. A part of me wants to stop him from finishing, because the last thing I want, is for him to be hurting. However, deep down, I know he needs to get this out. Whatever happened to him has been bothering him for years. It’s been a long time, since Misty worked at the club. So, just how long has he been holding onto this pain?

  Trying to give him the space he needs to continue, I stare at the beautiful man beside me, and wonder just what happened to him? What made him become so shut off from the world that he feels the need to question drinks or food he hasn’t personally bought or made himself?

  Reaching forward, I place a hand on his arm, as I calmly ask, “What happened to you, Sebastian?”

  He doesn’t answer me right away. Instead, he takes in a deep breath, slowly lets it out, and then licks his lips, before he admits, “I don’t remember how I got home that night. I only recall drinking with friends and having a good time.” I sit still as a statue, as he stops to clear his throat. “I don’t remember anyone tying up my hands or feet to my bed. What I vividly know for sure is, when I came to, I was still drunk. I was confused, and my head was fuzzy, so when Misty offered me something to drink, I gulped it down without a thought.”

  “Once I finished half the bottle of water, I asked her what she was doing in my apartment, and all she did was smile. That smile made me want to vomit, but nothing would come up. Then, she claimed she was there to make things better, and in my hazy state, I didn’t understand what the fuck she was talking about.”

  “Sebastian—”

  “No,” he cuts in. “I have to get this out, or you won’t understand.” Even though he isn’t looking at me, I nod, knowing what he’s about to tell me will change everything.

  “I tried to get out of the bonds she’d tied around my wrists and ankles. I tried with all my strength to break free, but I couldn’t. She stood beside me and laughed, as I failed to escape, and then she started to unbutton my pants. No matter how many times I told her to fuck off and to leave, she didn’t. She claimed that, since I was so focused on ruining her life, she was going to do the same to me.”

  “She knew how close Viktor and I were. She knew how much I admired him, so she knew exactly what to do to destroy our relationship.” Shaking my head, I refuse to believe what he’s about to say. It’s hard enough having to listen to him talk about this, so I can’t even imagine what he’s going through. “The water she gave me was laced with Viagra. So, when she got my jeans off, I was hard and ready for her, even though I didn’t want to be. Misty was not my type at all, and I couldn’t even stand the sight of her. She knew that, too, which is why she drugged me.”

  “Her plan couldn’t be carried out, unless I was hard for her. I tried to get her to stop. I yelled, and I pleaded. No matter what I did or said, it didn’t stop her from undressing and forcing herself on me. Even when her cunt was wrapped around me, I did everything I could to get her off me.”

  A single tear slides down my cheek, as he says, “I was powerless against her. While she laughed and took away my control, I felt like I was dying inside, but she did what she intended to do. She had texted Viktor from my phone, so of course, he walked in and saw her on top of me. I didn’t blame him for thinking anything other than what he did. I didn’t blame him for leaving me there, after Misty was done using me for her own sick and twisted game. I lay there for a few hours, before one of my friends st
opped by and set me free.”

  “Needless to say, Viktor hated me after that. Misty told him that we’d been fucking around for a while, and that the baby she was carrying was mine. It didn’t matter that I never touched her, until she drugged me. It didn’t matter what I said to him, he refused to listen to me, so I stopped trying, and I found a way to make sure this would never, ever, happen to me again.”

  Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I jump off the couch, and then begin to pace in front of him. I feel his gaze on me, but I’m so angry that I can’t form words just yet. My heart is breaking, as I finally understand, and I want to find that stupid bitch and commit murder.

  How could someone do something so awful to another person? More tears fall, because I never thought this could happen to someone like Sebastian. Yes, he has issues, but he’s a good man. For the few people he trusts, he cares deeply for them.

  And that’s when it hits me.

  He doesn’t trust me, because of what that bitch did to him.

  “Trixie, please say something,” he pleads, and the sound of his voice brings out a sob from me. He’s instantly by my side, comforting me, when I should be doing the same to him. “Talk to me.”

  Gazing into his eyes, I wish I could take all that pain away. I wish I could pull it out and cast it away for him. “She hurt you so bad, Sebastian. She raped you,” I finally whisper, and the shock on his face makes me think he’s never thought about it that way.

  “No, she didn’t,” he claims in a hard voice, and it just makes me think he’s still denying what really happened to him.

  “Sebastian,” I start, and then stop to clear my throat. “She took away your control and forced you to have sex with her. She tied you up, drugged you, and then made you do something you didn’t want. It’s no wonder why you can’t trust me, and why you’ve done everything possible to push me away. How can you trust me, when someone hurt you so badly?”

  Holding his gaze, I don’t hold back the tears from falling. My heart is breaking, because he’s been hurting for so long. As he wipes away my tears, I state, “You need to say it. You’re still denying what she did to you, and you’ll never move on from it, if you can’t even say the words.”

  He looks away, and then clenches his jaw. Deep down, he knows I’m right, and as much as it sucks, he needs to heal. He needs to admit that someone did something so unspeakable to him, and then maybe, he can deal with it properly.

  “I can’t, Trixie.”

  Cupping his cheek, I say, “Yes, you can.”

  “No, I can’t,” he grits out, and takes me by my wrists. He holds me tightly, as he claims, “I can’t fucking go there.”

  Ripping my hands out his grasp, I ask, “Then why are you here? Why bother telling me what happened to you, if you can’t even admit it?” Both of his hands run through his hair, as if he’s angry at the situation. I’m not sure what’s going through his mind, but he needs to know I’m here for him. “Why, Sebastian?” I need to keep pushing him, so he’ll finally admit the truth.

  His hands fall to his sides, as he faces me. With a deep and raspy voice, he claims, “Because I love you.” My eyes widen, and I suck in a deep breath, unsure of what he just said. “I told you because I love you, Trixie. I didn’t want to fall for you. I didn’t want you to ever find out what I went through, because I’m fucked up. I’m so fucked up from that night, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same.”

  I can only blink back the tears, as he continues to let it all out. “You deserve more than I can give you. I can’t trust anyone with anything. Do you think I want to remember feeling so powerless, as Misty forced me to do something I never wanted? I don’t want to feel helpless and hopeless like that ever again.”

  When he stops to suck in a deep breath, I quietly say, “She still has power over you, because you can’t admit what she did.”

  As soon as the words leave my mouth, his jaw clenches, as his nose flares. He’s angry, and that’s good. He needs to get mad, so he can let it out. “Say it,” I dare him, hoping he doesn’t end up walking out the door.

  “Fine. She fucking raped me,” he yells. I don’t dare move, as the words begin to flow, and I know he needs this more than he realized. I know him better than anyone else, because I’ve seen him behind the mask. “She raped me, and made me feel weak, vulnerable, useless, and then she violated me in ways no one should ever have to experience.”

  The last part is spoken in a softer tone, as if he’s just now realizing this for himself. He frowns, and then looks down, and I wish I knew what was going through his mind. Taking a risk, I walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. At first, he doesn’t return the gesture, but I hold him tighter, letting him know I’m here.

  But then, his arms wrap around me, as his head falls to my neck.

  Running my hand through his hair, I whisper, “I’m here, Sebastian. I’ll be here for you no matter what, and we’ll get through this.”

  He doesn’t say anything back, but that’s okay. Sometimes, words aren’t needed, and this is one of those times.

  So, I hold him, offering all the love and comfort he could ever want or need.

  A few days later, I find myself riding in an elevator, anxiously waiting for it to stop where I want it to. Since Sebastian’s admission, I’ve tried my best to be there for him with whatever he needs. Mostly, I’m just glad he came to me, and then trusted me enough to carry his secret. We’ve also talked more in these past few days than we ever have before. Our relationship, although I’m still not sure what we are, has grown into something more than me loving him and him just being my Dom.

  Hopefully tonight, he and I can figure out where to go from here. Even though our time apart hurt more than I thought it would, I know I can’t just let him go. He’s attached to my soul, so when he’s not around, part of me is gone, too.

  As the elevator stops and the doors slide open, I walk quickly down the hall, stopping in front of Sebastian’s apartment door. Before I can knock, it whips open, and I grin widely, seeing him smirking back. I don’t get a chance to say a word, since he grabs me by my hand, pulling me inside.

  He shuts the door, and suddenly, I’m pressed against it. With my racing heart, pounding hard in my chest, I lick my lips, welcoming the return of all the amazing sensations he brings out of me. Looking into his eyes, he brushes my hair out of my face, and then cups my cheek, before leaning down to take my mouth.

  I savor his taste, as his tongue dips inside my mouth. Running my hands up his chest, he moves the hand from my face to my neck, tilting my head the way he likes, while the other is making its way under my shirt. I arch into his hand, as he reaches my breast. Pulling away to suck in a breath, he takes the opportunity to kiss down my neck. My body is on fire, as he kisses and caresses my breasts, and I’m already thinking about begging for more.

  However, I didn’t come over here just to fuck, even if I really want to. “Sebastian,” I start in a breathy tone. He doesn’t bother to stop, as I state, “We should be talking.”

  Biting my bottom lip, as he pinches my nipple, my pussy clenches, wanting him to touch me all over. “We will,” he whispers in my ear. “But first, I want to feel your pussy, clenching hard around my cock, as you call out my name.”

  Lust and need are suddenly all I can think about, as I say, “Yes, please, sir.”

  As he leans back, he smirks, knowing I can’t deny him anything. He takes my hand, and then leads me back to his bedroom, where he makes good on what he said.

  We can always talk later.

  Laying in Sebastian’s bed, I turn on my side, admiring the man beside me. Using my hand, I prop up my head, as I run my fingertips up and down his chest. It’s still strange that he’s letting me touch him so freely. After our talk and him admitting he loves me, he’s already changed. He’s still dominant, and I love when he commands me in the bedroom, but now, he’s letting me show affection, and in return, he does the same.

  Smiling, I glance up, and my face
instantly flushes, as I realize he’s been watching me this entire time. “What?” I ask, when he continues to just stare at me.

  He smirks, and then claims, “It’s surreal that you’re here in my bed.” Before I can say anything back, he turns on his side, facing me. “I didn’t like being without you, Trixie.”

  My heart jumps at hearing those words. It’s still strange to hear him talk about this so freely, especially since he refused to do so before. “I didn’t like it either. Losing you, hurt a lot more than I realized it would,” I glance away from his intense gaze, as I let myself remember all that pain.

  It’s something I’ve never experienced before, and it’s funny how I thought I loved someone before. With Sebastian, it was fast and as if I was free falling. With my previous relationships, yes it hurt when we broke up, but with Sebastian, it was ten times worse.

  Shaking away those thoughts, I look back to him, and then say, “You never did tell me what suddenly changed your mind about me.”

  His eyebrows raise, stating, “Kendra.”

  “Kendra? What did she do?” I ask utterly confused.

  “The first few days after you got the flu,” he starts, and then takes my hand. As he uses his thumb to rub circles on the back of it, he continues, “She came barging into my office one night, after coming to check on you, and I’ve never seen her so pissed off.”

  I smile, thinking about what a sight that was. Kendra is the sweetest person I’ve ever met, but the second you make her mad, it’s like an entirely new person is in there with her. It’s kind of scary to witness.

  “Needless to say, we had words, but what she said finally got through to me. Her advice was to stop holding back from you, because she could see how miserable we both were, and that I didn’t have to forget the past. I just had to move forward, and try to let you in.”