Fix Me

by Lexy Timms

  She reached out and touched my shoulder. “You’re good for her. She’ll come around soon.”

  “I like her,” I admitted. “I love her. I probably shouldn’t tell you that, but I do.”

  “I know you do.”

  “Did you know Nate?” I asked, knowing I was way overstepping.

  “Of course.”

  “She said his name. A lot. She was having a nightmare and she kept calling out for him.”

  She scoffed. “Probably yelling at him.”

  “Was he abusive?”

  “No. He’s a self-serving asshole, but he wasn’t abusive.”

  That gave me some satisfaction. “Okay.”

  “You sure you don’t want to grab a powernap? I can stick around for a while.”

  “I’m really okay. I used to pull forty-eight-hour shifts. I’m out of practice, but I’ll be okay. I should probably go check on her.”

  “Okay. I’ll be here in the morning. Hang in there. She’s going to get through this. It’s a rough patch.”

  “How often does this happen?” I asked.

  “Not often.”

  That was only a little reassuring. I walked her to the door before going to check on Bree. She was tossing and turning. I watched her sleep. Lisa’s words echoed through my mind. Mel had said this episode was essentially Bree’s own doing. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to be with someone that was in an emotionally fragile state.

  I didn’t want to compare her to my mother, but damn, there were a lot of similarities. She was struggling with her own emotional demons. She didn’t want meds. She didn’t want to talk to a therapist. I couldn’t help someone that didn’t want to be helped.

  I watched her head roll back and forth on the pillow. She wasn’t my mother. Unlike my mother, Bree had been through a serious trauma. She had a good reason for her problems. I couldn’t transfer my feelings for my mom onto Bree. Bree was struggling and I wanted to be there for her the best I could.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Bree

  I POPPED OPEN ONE EYE. For a brief second, I had convinced myself the accident and subsequent blindness had been a nightmare. When I saw nothing with the one eye, I opened the other, praying I would see something.

  There was nothing. I couldn’t stop the tear from sliding down my cheek. It was all real. I was blind. I lived at home. I reached up, wiping my face and wished for it all to go away. I was afraid to ask Alexa what time it was. I could tell I hadn’t been asleep all that long. I would have liked to wake up and discover it was Monday.

  “Alexa what time is it?”

  She told me it was nine. I groaned, frustrated to discover I had only slept for forty minutes. I was going to die if I didn’t sleep. Maybe not quite that dramatic, but I felt like hell. I was so damn tired. I had gone through the high and the low that always followed when I was stuck in one of these no sleep cycles.

  Throwing off my blanket, I was pissed at myself and the world. I stumbled into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I hoped Luke went home and got some sleep. The last time I had heard from him was around five when I insisted he go. He was such a sweetheart. We had talked for hours last night. I heard him dozing off and knew he was struggling.

  I wasn’t sure if he would be in the kitchen or maybe still sleeping. I hoped it was the latter. The man needed to sleep. I promised myself I would shower after I had some coffee. A lot of coffee. I smelled coffee and smiled. He was back.

  “Hello,” I called out.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” Mel’s voice rang out.

  I froze. “Mel?”

  “In the flesh.”

  I was confused. “What day is it?”

  “Saturday. Did you sleep at all?”

  I shrugged. “A little.”

  “Do you want to try and sleep some more or are you ready for a coffee infusion?” she asked with a laugh.

  I smirked. “I was thinking more along the lines of a sledgehammer to my head. I need someone to knock me out.”

  “I could do that.”

  “Coffee, please,” I murmured. My head was pounding, and I ached all over. I was both cold and hot and completely miserable. I wasn’t sick. I knew I wasn’t sick, but I felt like hell.

  “Right in front of you,” she said, a minute later. I took the cup and found a stool to sit on. “Where is Luke?” I finally asked the question that had been on my mind since I first woke up.

  “He is hopefully sleeping. I spoke with him yesterday and we agreed I would hang out with you today. Give him some time to sleep and recover. You are a handful.”

  She was teasing me. I knew it, but in my sleepless condition, I felt raw. Her words hurt. They shouldn’t have, but they did. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I know.”

  “Hey,” she said, her arm going around me. “You know I was teasing. I had to practically drag him away from you. He didn’t want to leave. I insisted.”

  I nodded, using the heel of my hand to wipe my tears. “I know. He’s such a good man. He stayed with me all night again. He’s got to be exhausted.”

  “Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” she gently asked. “Something has you worked up. You don’t get like this unless you’ve got something big going on in that head of yours.”

  I sighed, shaking my head. “I really don’t know what the problem is. I was fine and then Tuesday, I met Luke’s mom. She doesn’t like me.”

  “Luke gave me a recap, but whatever that woman’s problem is, it isn’t you.”

  “She said some stuff that made me think about my life. I have done nothing. I’m twenty-five and I haven’t done anything all that great. I don’t work. I don’t do anything. It’s no wonder she doesn’t want her son saddled with me.”

  “He isn’t saddled with you,” she answered. “And you were always on the go before the accident. You barely sat down long enough to eat. She doesn’t understand who you are or our lifestyle. It isn’t for everyone, but don’t you dare feel guilty for being born into the family you were. You did more volunteer work than anyone I know. You are only twenty-five. You are just getting started with life.”

  I shook my head. “I think about all that wasted time. I had years to work and find something I was good at. If I don’t ever get my sight back, I’ll never know.”

  “But you might get your sight back and you are good at many things.”

  “Art,” I scoffed. “Fat lot of good that’s going to do me when I’m blind as a bat.”

  She laughed. “You are in a horrible mood. Let’s get you fed, bathed and then back to bed.”

  I was being awful. It was no wonder Luke had fled. I didn’t want to be around me, either. “I’m so tired.”

  “I know you are hon; I know you are. We’ve been through this before. Let’s stuff your belly and knock you out.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “But you’re going to eat anyway.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “You don’t know how to cook.”

  “Hey, I can cook pancakes and eggs like nobody’s business. When a man stays over, I have to impress him with my cooking skills. No one needs to know they don’t extend beyond basic breakfast dishes.”

  I laughed. “I think that could be a little deceitful and misleading.”

  “Men do not want to get with me for my cooking skills, Bree.”

  “It must be because you are so humble,” I shot back.

  “There you go,” she praised. “I knew my girl was in there.”

  “I want the surgery,” I said, completely changing the subject.

  “Good. Great! Does Luke know?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I talked with Ellis earlier in the week. We agreed we would wait until my foot was healed and I was absolutely certain.”

  “Well, that sure explains a lot,” she said.

  I could hear the sound of eggs being cracked followed by the sizzle in a hot pan. I listened to her move around the kitchen and suddenly felt jealous. I wanted the freedom to d
o that. I wanted to cook and clatter pans as I made a meal.

  “What do you mean?” I questioned.

  “You are not sleeping because you are worried about the surgery.”

  “But I’m positive I want to do it,” I argued.

  “Obviously, you are not totally on board with it. If you were, you wouldn’t be this stressed out. You’ve been having a lot of nightmares Luke tells me. What’s that about?”

  I could tell her. I could tell her anything. “It’s usually the same thing. I’m with Luke but it isn’t Luke, it’s Nate. Usually I’m getting in my car. Either he’s driving or I’m driving. I know what’s going to happen and I keep trying to stop it. Luke always leaves me. It’s either he dies in the car accident or he tells me has a girlfriend and is moving back to Texas. The dreams are dreams, you know? They don’t make a lot of sense, but they feel so real.”

  “I’m not going to pretend to be some wise old lady, but I think you are still suffering from trauma from the accident. You are having flashbacks. I’m sure you will be having nightmares about that night for years to come.”

  I groaned. “Great.”

  “And you are worried about Luke leaving you because of what his mother said,” she added. “You are feeling insecure and it’s eating at you. You have to know that man is crazy about you. He isn’t going to leave you.”

  I digested the information. “Why is it always Nate I see?”

  “Because Nate was the last face you saw before the accident.”

  Her words hit home. It made sense. I blamed Nate. Not entirely, but I did blame him a little. It had been my choice to get in the car, but I was so mad at him. I was still mad at him. “You should really consider psychology as a career path. Or maybe one of those ladies that sits in a tent and wears lots of jewelry as she predicts the future.”

  “I can’t predict the future, but I can read you like an open book. You have to give your mind a break or your body is going to give out. You will get the surgery and I am very confident you will see again. You will get to see Luke for the first time and trust me, you are going to very pleased with what you see. The nightmares will fade, and it will be Luke’s face you see.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “I am. Now, let’s get you fed. Why don’t you go shower while I finish up? Then you can eat and crawl directly into bed.”

  “I don’t think I can sleep,” I protested.

  “But you are going to try. I promised Luke I would make you get some sleep and I am not going to fail.”

  I sighed, knowing how stubborn she could be. “Fine. I’ll try.”

  “Be careful,” she called out as I made my way back to my room.

  I was very careful. I felt clumsy and weak and didn’t want to risk a fall. I ran my hand down the wall for guidance. I turned the shower to hot, hoping it would help me relax. Despite spending so much time in bed, my muscles hurt. I felt like I had run a marathon. I spent way too long in the shower, mostly because I didn’t have the energy to get out and get dressed.

  I finally managed to do so, feeling completely exhausted as I made my way back to the kitchen. “I was just about to go check on you,” Mel said.

  “I’m alive.”

  “Good. I’ve got your plate in the dining room.”

  We sat down, eating a nice breakfast. “It’s great,” I said, forcing myself to eat. Mel would shove the food down my throat if I didn’t eat.

  Once I had stuffed myself until I felt on the verge of being sick, I headed back to bed. I silently prayed sleep would come. The tricky part of insomnia was the more you craved sleep, the harder it was to get.

  “I’ll check on you in a bit,” Mel said after I had gotten into bed. “Don’t get up. Even if you can’t sleep right away, stay put.”

  “Yes, mother,” I said with a smile.

  She left the room, leaving me alone in the darkness once again. Part of me was worried Ellis would tell me I couldn’t have the surgery because my body was run down from a lack of sleep. The more factors going against me getting the surgery made me want it even more. I suppose that was a good thing. I was going to have to fight to get it. The stupid thing was, I was my own worst enemy and I couldn’t seem to do shit about it.

  I closed my eyes, trying to force my brain to shut off. It refused. I thought about being blind at fifty and all alone with no family around. I didn’t know how long Luke would stick around if I couldn’t see. I thought about having children. My body would physically be able to have a child, but how was I going to care for a child if I couldn’t see it? I would be forced to rely on nannies.

  I was getting way ahead of myself but that’s what was keeping me up. Stupid thoughts like that were running through my head constantly. “Please,” I silently pleaded. “Please let me sleep.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Luke

  I WOKE UP IN A COLD sweat. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel something was wrong. My eyes popped open as I searched the room to try and figure out what had spooked me. I blinked several times, trying to clear my vision. I stared at the clock and saw it was almost noon. I rubbed a hand over my face and did a little mental rewind.

  “Dream,” I murmured. “It was only a dream.”

  More like a nightmare. I had been back in Texas taking care of my mother, except it wasn’t my mom. It was Bree. We had just had a hell of a fight and she was crying. I had told her I couldn’t deal with her shit anymore and walked away from her. I had left her alone and crying. Her blindness was permanent and instead of moving on with her life, she had morphed into another version of my mother.

  It had felt like I was being held down by chains. I had fought to break free from my mother and ended up with Bree. At least, that’s how it had felt in the dream. And, just like I did with my mom, I had left Bree. I had run away, determined to live my life free of her and the burden she presented.

  I threw off the blankets, needing to shake off the feeling of despair. I could still see the look on Bree’s face as I walked out the door. I had abandoned someone that needed me. My mom had left several messages last night. I checked them before I crawled into bed this morning and they had left me feeling like shit.

  My mother could win a gold medal in the art of laying on guilt trips and I felt like shit for leaving her. I wasn’t sure if she was truly sick, but she had sounded sick in her messages. I knew she could fake it very well and wanted to believe it was just another one of her games, but I didn’t know for sure.

  Bree had damn near pushed me out of her room earlier, insisting I go home and try to sleep. She promised she would do the same. I wanted to stay with her. I wanted to be strong for her, but I was so exhausted. I kept dozing off on her. I suggested I lay in bed with her and just hold her, but she nixed the idea.

  I should have insisted. I should have put my foot down and told her I wasn’t going anywhere. I was weak. I had given into my own need and come home to sleep. I reached for my phone and found a text from Mel saying she was with Bree.

  “Thank goodness,” I muttered, my guilt only slightly assuaged.

  I walked into the bathroom, taking a long shower in an attempt to make me feel human again. My normal routine would include me going to the main house to check on Bree and have coffee with her. I wasn’t doing that today. I needed to keep my distance. I couldn’t look at her and see those dark circles and the look of despair on her face.

  Damn. It felt like I was running away from her—just like the nightmare. I made my coffee and instead of going outside to enjoy the fresh air, I stayed in. I was hiding like a fucking coward. I didn’t want to risk seeing her and Mel walking around the grounds. She would want to talk. I needed to figure out what the hell I was doing.

  Mel had told me this kind of thing was normal for Bree. I didn’t think I was strong enough or patient enough to deal with it. I felt like a total dick for even thinking that, but it was the truth. I did not have the physical or mental strength to deal with another woman who didn’t w
ant to get better. I couldn’t deal with a woman that depended on me for everything without wanting to try and better herself.

  “That’s why you are an asshole,” I muttered, before sipping my coffee.

  I finished the coffee and put the few dirty dishes that were in the sink into the dishwasher. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with myself. I needed to clear my head. I needed to figure out what the hell I was doing in California. I needed to figure out if I could be the man Bree needed me to be. If I couldn’t, I needed to leave before things got any more complicated.

  Hurting her was the very last thing I wanted to do, but if I wasn’t man enough to take her as she was, baggage included, I needed to go. I began to pace, feeling stir crazy. I didn’t want to be so damn nearby. Part of me longed to go to her. I wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay.

  And I wasn’t the only one who could take care of her. She wasn’t like my mother in that regard. Then again, my mom used to have several people in her life to take care of her, too. They all left, including me. Would Mel leave her? Would her best friend grow exhausted and leave Bree? Her father wasn’t getting any younger. Who would be there for Bree when he passed away?

  “Fuck,” I groaned, rubbing my hands through my hair and scrubbing at my unshaven face.

  I was thinking too hard and making a mountain out of a molehill. It had been years of living with my mother. She could take a simple cold and turn it into a life-threatening bout with pneumonia. I was used to little things becoming big things. Another bad habit I had picked up. How could I be any good for Bree when I was prone to such antics?

  There was a knock on the door, snapping me out of my downward spiral. I assumed it was Mel and immediately felt like an asshole because I was hoping she hadn’t brought Bree over. I opened the door and found Paul standing on the other side looking none too pleased.

  “Paul,” I said with surprise.

  “Luke,” he said my name, pushing past me and walking inside. “We need to talk.”