Fix Me

by Lexy Timms

  “Please, come in,” I mumbled under my breath as I closed the door.

  He turned to look at me, his hands on his hips. “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “About?” I asked.

  “About Bree! I should have been called and updated on her condition.”

  “Her condition?” I asked, wondering if something had changed in the few hours since I had left her.

  “I was just at the house and found Mel there. She said Bree hasn’t been sleeping. And I saw Bree myself. She looks horrible!”

  Slowly, I nodded. “I know.”

  “You look like shit as well,” he said, as if he just noticed my dishevelment.

  “Thanks.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? I pay you to look after her and I need to be apprised of her health.”

  I shrugged. “I thought it was just a couple bad nights. I talked with Mel and she said Bree has had these episodes before and there was little that could be done.”

  “That doesn’t mean you don’t call me,” he said, taking a seat on the couch. “Did something trigger it?”

  I didn’t want to tell him about my mother, and truly didn’t think my mother’s visit was solely to blame. After our lengthy middle of the night conversations, I had learned it was Bree’s own insecurities and worries. “She’s got a lot on her mind. I’ve tried everything with her. I tried to convince her to talk to a therapist, but she refuses. I don’t know how to help her.”

  Paul nodded with understanding. “Mel is right, this isn’t the first time or even the third time.”

  I took a seat. “Paul, I have to tell you, I’m out of my league here. When I took this job, I was under the impression that I would be caring for a person with a physical disability. Bree has a lot more going on than just her lack of sight. Personally, I feel she needs to be in a facility that can help her through the emotional trauma as well as the physical trauma.”

  “Excuse me? Are you suggesting my daughter needs to be committed?”

  “No, not at all. I’m saying, I’m not the guy to get her through this.”

  “How can you say that?” he snapped, his eyes flashing with anger. “She depends on you. She cares about you. You can’t cut and run now. You made her fall in love with you and when the going gets tough, you’re going to run?”

  “Sir, I’m not running, but I’m not qualified for this.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  He was making me feel worse than I already did. “I don’t want to leave, but I’m not helping her.”

  “You do you remember I fired you, right?”

  “Yes, I remember that conversation very well,” I nodded.

  “Bree made me hire you back. You told me you loved her. Against my better judgement, I hired you back. I moved you onto my damn property and now you’re telling me you’re going to ditch her when she needs you most? She doesn’t just need you as a nurse, she needs you as a boyfriend or friend or whatever the hell you guys have going on now.”

  I rubbed a hand over my face. The man was right. I knew he was right, but I also knew I wasn’t up to the challenge. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. You can stay and do the job you’ve been paid very well to do.”

  “I have and I appreciate it, but I need some time to think. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want her to suffer any more than she already is because I am incapable of helping her. I’ve been up with her for days and nothing helps her sleep. I’ve used every trick I know, and it doesn’t work.”

  Paul seemed to soften a little. His shoulders relaxed and instead of looking at me with anger, I saw sympathy. “I know it’s hard and I appreciate you trying. It isn’t always like this. She will get better. I’m asking you to stay long enough to get her through the surgery.”

  “That’s assuming she does it,” I said.

  He shrugged. “I’m not going to give up on it or her. This is when it’s time to dig in. This is the hard part. I’ll pay you double for the last week. As I understand it, you’ve been there night and day.”

  “It isn’t about the money,” I told him. “This is on me.”

  He nodded. “I understand. It’s a difficult situation. Take the day to think about it. You’re exhausted and not thinking straight at the moment. Rest and try to get some fresh perspective. We’ll talk again tomorrow. Mel and I will stay with Bree and hopefully get her through this. I won’t let you quit, not like this. I have my little girl to think of and I will hold your feet to the flames if I have to.”

  I smiled, glad to know Bree had such a fierce protector in her corner. “I’ll think about it. If I don’t think this is going to work, I will stay until you can find someone to replace me. I don’t want to be the thing that holds her back. She needs someone more qualified to deal with her unique situation. I’m more suited to giving meds, changing bandages and even emptying bedpans. This situation is a new one for me and I care about her too much to screw it up.”

  “Fine. I’ll give you a call tomorrow. If you need to take the whole weekend, that’s fine. But don’t you dare cut and run on her.”

  “I understand.”

  I walked him out, feeling a little threatened but I understood where he was coming from. I would take the day and try to figure my shit out.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Bree

  I STARED AT NOTHING, seeing nothing. I had begun to wonder if that was part of the problem. I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t focus on anything to try and take my mind off the millions of thoughts running through my mind. I was trapped inside my head with all the crazy thoughts, and they really were crazy. I thought about everything from shoes and shopping to babies and husbands.

  It was as if I was having all the thoughts for every person on the planet. They were all lodged inside my brain and I couldn’t stop sorting through each and every one of them. Poor Mel had given up last night at some point.

  I felt like such a burden. I was putting a serious strain on all the people in my life. All three of them. My father was not happy to find out I had been struggling to sleep. I heard the very heated argument he had with Mel outside my door yesterday. I pretended to be asleep, but I knew my dad was pissed that no one had told him. That was on me. I had insisted that Luke and Mel keep my situation to themselves.

  I hoped today was a normal day. Well, as normal as a day could be when you had not slept in almost a week. My body seemed to be growing accustomed to sleeping in thirty-minute snippets. I was still dead tired, and I felt a little disjointed, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been. I was able to function, which was a huge improvement from yesterday.

  First, I showered and dressed before going to the dining room.

  “Hello?” I called out, expecting Luke or my father to be there.

  “In here,” my dad said from the kitchen.

  I went into the kitchen, using my senses to try and determine what he was doing. “Are you making breakfast?” I asked skeptically.

  “It’s lunchtime,” he said. “I was putting together a couple sandwiches. Would you like one?”

  “Yes, please. I’m going to make myself some coffee.”

  “Bree, you know what the last doctor said. When you’re in one of these insomnia bouts, you have to lay off the caffeine.”

  I sighed. “I’m a big girl, and I happen to like coffee. I have an immunity to caffeine. It isn’t the coffee that is keeping me awake.”

  Moving around him, I made my own damn coffee. I wasn’t going to be lectured by my father about something so silly as me enjoying a very normal cup of coffee. It wasn’t like I was pounding energy drinks down before bed.

  “Do you want mustard on your sandwich?” he asked.

  “No thanks.”

  “You need to eat. You can eat the sandwich, or I can heat up some soup.”

  I let out a dramatic sigh. “Fine. I’ll eat the stupid sandwich.”

  “Would you like to eat outside?” he asked.


  He was being too nice. He never doted on me like this. He demanded and scolded but never doted. Something was wrong.

  “Fine,” I answered him.

  “Can you make your way out?”

  “Yes, Dad.”

  I slowly walked behind him and I heard the plates slide onto the glass topped patio table and found my chair. “Do you need anything else?”

  “No, I’m good.” I heard him sit down. I reached out, my fingertips touching the sandwich. “What are your plans for the day?” I asked casually.

  “Not much at all. I was thinking we could go for a walk later.”

  “I’m not up for walking,” I told him.

  “How about a swim?”

  I thought about my foot. Technically I had fulfilled the seven-day restriction on getting it wet. “We’ll see,” I said, not committing to anything.

  “We can go to the beach,” he suggested. “Get some sun.”

  I took a bite of the sandwich. Something was up. “Dad why are you trying to distract me? What’s really going on?”

  “Nothing,” he said, and I knew immediately he was lying.

  “Where’s Luke?” I asked, my blood running cold.

  There wasn’t an immediate answer. Every second he hesitated to answer me was confirmation something wasn’t right. He was holding back. “Dad?” I pressed him.

  I heard him sigh and pictured him wiping his mouth with the napkin he always kept in his lap when he was eating. He had impeccable manners and didn’t seem to know how to turn them off. “Luke is taking some time off.”

  I almost choked on the bread that felt way too dry in my mouth. “What does that mean?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

  “It means he is taking some time off. He worked hard this last week. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.”

  “He quit, didn’t he?” I said.

  “No, he did not quit.”

  I put the sandwich down and pushed away the plate. I was no longer hungry. I was sick. Absolutely sick to my stomach. My dreams were premonitions. He was always destined to leave me. I knew he was pulling away. He said he wanted to keep things professional. That had been a bullshit excuse. He didn’t want to be with me.

  “I think I’m going to lay down,” I murmured, fighting back the tears.

  “Bree, sit. We need to talk.”

  I knew that tone. If I didn’t stay put, he would follow me. It was yet another thing in the long list of things I hated about living at home. He thought he was the boss of me. I supposed he was the boss of me given my current condition, but I couldn’t live like this. I had to get out.

  “What? What is there to talk about?”

  “Do you remember telling me you wanted the surgery?” he asked.

  “Yes, Dad. Of course, I remember. I’m not braindead.”

  “This surgery is going to change your life,” he said. “You won’t need Luke. You won’t need anyone. You will have your independence and freedom back. I’m going to have to chase you down to see you, just like it was before.”

  “And if it doesn’t work?” I snapped. “What if she refuses to do it at all?”

  “Bree, she only postponed it until you get yourself over this. You and I both know this insomnia will wear you down. You are not ready to go through the surgery and what she has told us could be a difficult recovery.”

  I nodded. Yesterday, I told him about my decision to get the surgery. He immediately called Ellis to set up a time, ignoring the fact it was a weekend. That was how my dad operated. When he wanted something, he went after and ignored all basic rules of social conduct. Ellis had asked some questions and when it was revealed my insomnia was back and I was sinking fast, she postponed. It only added to my despair.

  “I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. She changed her mind. She’s only using my lack of sleep as an excuse. She doesn’t want to do it. She probably looked at my chart again and realized it was a lost cause. This is the rest of my life. It isn’t going to get better. I’m going to that blind school I told you about.”

  “Bree don’t make any rash decisions.”

  “It’s not rash. It’s what I need to do. I already looked into that one facility the doctor in the hospital recommended. I think it’s best if I go away to learn how to live with this. I need to focus on learning what it means to be blind. This situation isn’t working. I can’t live here. I can’t live under your thumb.”

  “You are not under my thumb,” he protested.

  “You know what I mean! You’re trying to tell me when I can and can’t drink coffee!”

  I knew I sounded irrational and hysterical. I was attacking because I was hurt. My dad could sugarcoat it all he wanted, but it was pretty damn clear Luke was gone. He didn’t want to be burdened with me and my blindness. What kind of girlfriend could I be? He needed someone that could go out and have fun and keep up with him. He needed someone he could go to the mall without worrying about losing in the crowd.

  “Bree you are exhausted. Let’s not do this now.”

  “When should we do it?”

  “After you have had some sleep. You need rest. You’re fried. I can see how exhausted you are. Take a few days and once you’ve got some sleep, then we’ll talk about what comes next.”

  “That’s just it, nothing comes next,” I snapped. “You have to accept it for what it is. I’m blind. I won’t’ see again, and all this false hope is going to destroy us both.”

  “It isn’t false hope,” he argued.

  “Yes, it is. I’m broken. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Why are you letting this man destroy your life?”

  “What man?” I said, pretending I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “Don’t be coy,” he replied. “Luke was the hired help. You were in a vulnerable spot and he took advantage of that. You know I wasn’t happy about the relationship, but it made you happy. I went along with it. Now that he’s gone—”

  “So, he is gone!” I exclaimed.

  “I’m not saying that,” he said. “I’m saying this could be a good thing. You need to move forward.”

  “I’m going to bed,” I said and got up.

  “Bree, wait!”

  I kept walking, not wanted to hear any more. My heart was broken. I felt empty. I should have made Luke go home days earlier before he got a true glimpse of what it would be like to be with me. No wonder he was running in the opposite direction as fast as he could. I slammed my bedroom door, locking it behind me, practically running for my bed.

  Angry and terribly hurt, I couldn’t stand what I was feeling right now. Luke didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye. I didn’t understand what I had done that caused him to leave without saying a word. He at least could have told me it wasn’t working out. I suppose if I would have been listening a little better, I might have heard him pulling away.

  Pulling the blanket up around my face, I squeezed my eyes closed. I was going to sleep and I didn’t care if I had to lay in my bed for the next week. I wasn’t going to get up until I had slept a full night or day or both. I needed a break from the thoughts and needed to escape this sadness that was too heavy to bear.

  “Please, please, please, let me sleep,” I whispered.

  Instead of sleep, it was Luke that filled my head. I couldn’t quite picture his face, but I improvised. I thought about his smell and his laugh. I knew his general size which helped me create an image of him. I wanted to ask him why and what I had done. What I wouldn’t do was ask him to stay. I wouldn’t do that to him. He deserved to have a life without the burden of a girlfriend with visual impairments.

  I was sad. Some people were bummed or down, but I was sad. My heart was heavy, and I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I scoffed. “No shit, Bree. You’re fucking blind.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Luke

  PAUL HAD MADE IT PRETTY clear that I wasn’t allowed to visit with Bree. He claimed I wasn�
�t in the right frame of mind and he didn’t want her feeding off the negative energy I was putting out there. I missed her and I wanted to see her, but I did understand what he was saying. I was still on the fence about staying on as her caregiver. I knew I couldn’t help her. That was what I wanted most for her. I wanted her to get better.

  I had to wonder if I was bad for her. If I cared about her too much and wasn’t giving her the tough love that she needed. I hoped her dad was giving her what she needed to pull through the insomnia because I sure hadn’t been doing a great job of it.

  There was no way I could stay in the cottage. The temptation to go see her was too strong. Paul needed time with his daughter without me interfering. I had a feeling he would be happy to see me go once she was all fixed up. He tolerated me because he wanted Bree to be happy. He saw the way the two of us were together and there was no denying we felt deeply for one another.

  I grabbed my keys and walked out of the cottage, going out the side entrance and avoiding the house altogether. I wasn’t sure where to go because I wasn’t interested in hanging out with Austin on his boat or at his house. Mostly, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to put all the things I was feeling into a little box to be tucked away and visited another day.

  Soon, I found myself at the beach where Bree and I used to hang out. She had not been up for going to the beach in more than a week and I found that I missed it a great deal. It was our spot. I pulled the blanket from my trunk and walked down to the beach. I spread out the blanket in the same spot Bree and I usually parked in. It was off the beaten path and there was a stand of bushes that provided a modicum of privacy.

  I stretched out, my sunglasses on my face as I stared up at the bright sun. I let it warm me as I listened to the waves and the birds. Closing my eyes, I let myself fall into the world Bree lived in. There was a quiet peacefulness to it all. I certainly wouldn’t want to stay in the dark permanently, but there was a certain romance to the idea.

  My peaceful reflection was interrupted by the phone vibrating in my pocket. I sighed and thought about ignoring it, but the idea that it could be Bree needing me made me look at the screen. I stared at the readout. At first, I was confused and then scared.