Hibiscus

by Sarah Pond

Rachel had a haunted look in her eyes, 'What?'

  Max sat up and put his arm around Rachel, 'Hey, you're shaking. Did you have a bad dream?'

  Rachel nodded, and gradually started to come to. 'I'm okay.'

  She turned away from Max, and lay on her side, her eyes wide open. She still felt the immense feeling of loss, and it scared her. She lay awake for the rest of the night. When she got up for work, Max asked if she was okay, and she said that she was, and fortunately he didn't ask any more about it. He went to work, and Rachel went to have a shower.

  The exhibition had been a great success, and Lea had sold a few pieces. She had been thrilled, but all of it was tinged with sadness, because seeing Rachel again had brought all of her feelings rushing to the surface. She was still in love with Rachel, and it hurt. It seemed so corny, all those song lyrics she had sung along to about love, and here she was, feeling it all so intensely. Still, today she would be leaving to go home. A fresh start, that's what she needed.

  Rachel arrived at work, and Tom thought that she looked pretty rough. 'Rach, what on earth were you up to last night? It looks like you didn't sleep!' He was expecting her to laugh and make some witty comment. Instead, she just looked at him with dark eyes. 'Are you okay?'

  Rachel nodded, 'Yes, just going down with something, maybe. I'll be fine.' She went into her office.

  Lisa, too, thought that Rachel definitely wasn't herself. She went to make some drinks. Walking into Rachel's office, she said, 'I've made you a coffee. Is there anything else you need?'

  'Thanks Lisa, no, nothing else.'

  Lisa left her to get on with work, and no one saw her all day. At about four o'clock, there was a tap on the door, and Rachel looked up, 'Come in.' The door opened, and Lea walked in. 'Hi. Come in, and close the door.'

  Lea thought that Rachel looked exhausted. 'I just wanted to say goodbye. My train goes in an hour. Thank you for everything.'

  'It's been so good to see you.'

  'Has it?'

  'Yes. I'm so sorry about everything. If things were different...' Rachel looked at Lea with wide eyes, 'I, I had a dream about you last night.'

  'Oh. Was I a mermaid again?' Lea smiled, raising her eyebrows. She stopped smiling when she saw the look of sadness on Rachel's face.

  'We were on a boat. And I lost you.' Rachel started to cry.

  'Hey, come here.' Lea hugged Rachel, as she sobbed into her shoulder.

  'I'm sorry, I don't know what's the matter with me.'

  As Rachel pulled back, Lea wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked into Lea's blue eyes, and before she could stop herself, she was kissing Lea. Lea's lips were so soft, and Rachel wanted her so badly.

  Lea felt Rachel's wanting through her kisses, and Rachel held her tightly, pressing her body close. A part of Lea was delighted, but she also knew how this was going to end. As much as she wanted Rachel, she didn't want to play this game. Lea pulled away, 'Look, I don't know what you're doing, but I can't do this. Nothing has changed. I'm going home, and you're staying here with your boyfriend. The Rachel I met and fell in love with back home was free and relaxed. I can see why you needed a holiday, you're much more uptight here. And to be honest, I don't think you're being fair with me, when you know how I feel about you.'

  Rachel looked devastated, 'You're right, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me.'

  Lea looked at Rachel, those smouldering grey eyes, 'Look, I have to leave. I don't want to miss my train.'

  'It was really lovely to see you again, Lea.'

  Lea walked over to the door, 'Take care of yourself, Rach. Bye.' As she let herself out, she looked at Rachel one last time, then she was gone.

  A couple of evenings later, Max came round to see Rachel. 'Hi baby, how are you?'

  Rachel's stomach was churning, 'Max, there's something I need to tell you.'

  Max looked concerned, and Rachel led him to the sofa to sit down. 'Are you okay?'

  Rachel nodded, 'I have to tell you, I feel so guilty.'

  Max was wondering what on earth she was going to say.

  'Max, a few days ago, an ex of mine came into town. I didn't know about it, it was a coincidence. It was just a short holiday fling, but things were a bit unfinished with us. We kissed, and I've been feeling so bad about it.'

  Max looked stern, but was also a bit relieved, 'You kissed. Nothing else?'

  'No. It was unexpected, I got caught in the moment.'

  Max sighed heavily. 'If it's unfinished, it might happen again.'

  'No, it won't. They've gone back home, I won't see them again. I'm so sorry.'

  After talking for a long time, Max said that it would be okay, and that he appreciated her honesty. He also said that he would like a few days space to let things settle.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Over the next few weeks, things gradually went back to normal. Rachel was spending more time at the gallery. She was still seeing Max a bit, but not as much now. He really liked her, but he was being cautious. He didn't want to get too involved if Rachel still had feelings for her ex. Maybe he should finish things, but he didn't really want to. Rachel occasionally went to the gym, but not often. If she awoke in the early hours, often after a dream, she would lay awake, replaying Lea's words to her over and over, 'You're uptight here. You're not being fair to me.' It was true. Over time, Rachel was beginning to see for herself how she was becoming again. The good intentions of a more balanced life had begun well, but now things were back to how they were before. Then one day the realisation hit her that she was being unfair to Max, too. How could she try to have a relationship with him, when she was still mixed up over her feelings about Lea. She knew what she had to do.

  Rachel went to Max's flat after work one evening, and had a heart to heart with him. 'I really care about you. You're such a sweet guy, and I think you deserve someone better than me. I'm still mixed up over my feelings for my ex. I said before that things were unfinished, although I wasn't going to be seeing them again. That hasn't changed, but it's not fair on you when I'm feeling confused. I need some time to get my head around things. Another time, it might have worked with us. I think it's a case of bad timing. I'm so sorry.'

  Max sighed, 'I can't say I'm that surprised. I've seen it coming for a while now.'

  A couple of days later at work, Rachel told Lisa that she had ended things with Max. 'I don't think I'm ready for a relationship at the moment.' The truth was that she needed time to get over Lea.

  Lisa said, 'You need to get out and let your hair down. I'm going to a party on Friday, come with me. You need to loosen up and have some fun.'

  Rachel couldn't help smiling at the hopeful look on Lisa's face. 'I'll think about it.'

  'I'm not taking no for an answer on this, put it in your diary.'

  'Okay, okay.'

  'Great, I'll pick you up at eight.'

  Lisa collected Rachel in a cab, and they set off to the party. Rachel said, 'I'm not going to know anyone there. Is your friend okay with me going?'

  'Of course, they're a great bunch of people. I met Susan at college, but I don't see her often. And anyway, you know me.'

  When they arrived, Susan opened the door, and hugged Lisa. Lisa introduced Rachel, and Susan greeted her warmly. 'Rachel really needs to let her hair down, I actually managed to get her out of the office for a change!'

  Rachel shook hands with Susan, 'Thank you for letting me tag along.'

  Susan smiled at her, 'You're very welcome. Come in, and let's get you a drink.'

  Susan led them to the warm and cosy kitchen, and Rachel could smell freshly cooked mince pies and mulled wine. After collecting their drinks, Rachel followed Lisa into the lounge. There were Christmas decorations, and fairy lights strung around giving the room a cosy glow. Some people were milling around, others were dancing. Lisa made a few introductions, and Rachel was beginning to relax and enjoy herself. There seemed to be a few couples there, as well as other singles. Rachel found it fascinating how people interact
ed with one another, and she could tell that one guy was really into one woman, although she didn't seem to realise it. Rachel smiled to herself, it was often easier to see things with other people that you couldn't see for yourself. Whilst she was sitting there with her drink, and eating one of the rather delicious home made mince pies, her eyes were drawn to a couple across the room. One woman was quite tall and slim, with long dark wavy hair. She was very elegant, and very beautiful. Stunning, in fact. She didn't take her eyes off of the woman she was with. Even from this distance, Rachel knew it was a look of deep love. The other woman had light brown hair, tied back. She had a very free and natural way about her, although how Rachel knew that from across the room, she didn't know. She watched how they moved together, and the way they danced. There was something so intimate about the way they were with one another, that Rachel felt she was intruding, just by looking at them. Then her thoughts turned to Lea, and the way that she would look at Rachel with those stunning blue eyes, and she felt such a feeling of loss.

  'Mind if I sit with you?'

  It was the woman who Rachel had watched dancing with the dark haired lady. Rachel had been so lost in her thoughts, she hadn't noticed the woman walking towards her. 'Please do. Sorry, I was in my own world for a moment there.'

  'Oh, it's good to sit down. I was feeling pretty hungry, too. The food is lovely. I'm Olivia, by the way.'

  'Rachel. Pleased to meet you. I don't know anyone here, only Lisa who invited me.'

  'Well, now you know me, too.' Olivia smiled at Rachel. She had green eyes, and the most beautiful smile.

  'I couldn't help watching you dance with your partner. You do make a stunning couple. The way she looks at you... I had that with someone, but I let it go. Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this.'

  Olivia said, 'Please, don't apologise. Tell me about it.' Olivia had such a kind and patient face.

  Rachel hesitated, then after some encouragement, she told Olivia about Lea. Maybe because Rachel didn't know Olivia, it was easier to talk to her, but it felt so good to be able to talk about Lea openly. 'I really messed things up. I don't know what to do.'

  Olivia said, 'I understand completely. To be honest, it's not much different to my story. I met Jasmine when I moved to London, and came to work for her. It was a few months before she told me how she felt about me, and when she kissed me, it freaked the hell out of me. But it also opened up something in me which I couldn't ignore or deny. I broke it off as I couldn't get my head around it, and I was miserable. Once I admitted to myself how I felt, we worked it out. Not to say there weren't a few ups and downs along the way, but I'm so happy, happier than I ever could have imagined.'

  Jasmine walked over to join them, and Olivia introduced her to Rachel. Olivia said, 'I was just telling Rachel how we met.'

  Jasmine smiled lovingly at Olivia, and turned towards Rachel, 'I knew I was in trouble the moment I met Olivia! I've never loved anyone the way I love her.'

  Rachel smiled sadly, 'I think I might have messed up my chance. I hurt Lea too much.'

  Jasmine's deep brown eyes looked into Rachel's, 'Trust me, it's not too late. I can say from experience, give it another go. You'll always be wondering otherwise.'

  Lisa came over to join them, greeting Jasmine and Olivia. 'What are you guys talking about?'

  'Love. And second chances.'

  Lisa smiled at Olivia and Jasmine, 'You two are the cutest lovebirds I've ever seen!' Lisa noticed that although Rachel was smiling, she also had a look of sadness about her.

  Jasmine said, 'I think it's time for another dance, are you two going to join us?'

  Rachel nodded, and stood up. As Jasmine and Olivia walked away, Lisa touched Rachel's arm, 'Hey, are you okay?'

  Rachel hesitated for a moment, then said, 'Yes, of course. I was just thinking about something.'

  Lisa assumed that Rachel was feeling down about Max. 'Come on, let's dance, forget everything else for a while. It's a shame you're not into women, that blonde woman over there can't stop looking at you.' Rachel felt herself blush.

  As Lisa pulled Rachel towards the other dancers, images of Lea dancing at the nightclub flooded her mind. The thought made her smile to herself, and at the same time her heart felt so heavy, and her limbs felt as though they had been weighed down with lead. She mentally gave herself a kick, tonight she was going to loosen up and enjoy herself. She just wished it didn't feel like such hard work.

  At the end of the evening, Rachel went to say goodbye to Olivia and Jasmine. 'It was lovely to meet you both.'

  'You, too.'

  'Thank you for the advice.'

  Olivia said, 'Any time. Let me give you my number, and if you want to chat, just call me.'

  'Thank you so much.' They hugged goodnight.

  After the party, when Jasmine and Olivia were back home, and getting ready for bed, Olivia said, 'I hope Rachel gets things worked out. She reminded me so much of myself a couple of years ago.'

  'She just needs to follow her heart. I think you really helped her tonight.'

  Smiling at Jasmine, she said, 'She said she was watching us dance, and the way you looked at me, reminded her of how Lea looks at her.'

  'Well, she really is in trouble then!' and Jasmine pulled Olivia towards her, her eyes hot and dark.

  On their way home from the party, Rachel said to Lisa, 'Olivia and Jasmine were so lovely. I'm really glad I went tonight, thank you for making me go!'

  'You're welcome. It was good to see Susan, it's been a while since I saw her.'

  'I couldn't help noticing her looking at Jasmine.'

  'Yes, Susan is rather smitten. She knows she doesn't have a chance. That ship has well and truly sailed. Jasmine has eyes for Olivia only. And vice versa. I, on the other hand, have a date! Did you see that rather cute blond guy I was dancing with? We're going to get together this weekend.'

  Rachel smiled at the excited expression on Lisa's face, 'Hey, good for you.'

  'How about you, did anyone catch your eye?'

  'No. But I had a really good time.' Rachel hadn't told Lisa about Lea. She hadn't even told Tom, and usually they talked about everything. Maybe she would tell Lisa soon, but not tonight. Talking with Olivia and Jasmine had given her a lot to think about, and this was something that she had to do on her own.

  Now that Rachel was getting some clarity, she knew what she had to do next. She dialled Lea's number, her heart beating so fast. No answer. Over the next few days, it was the same. It always went straight to voicemail. After the way Rachel had behaved when she saw Lea, she thought was it any wonder that Lea didn't want to speak to her at the moment.

  One night, whilst she was laying awake, Rachel remembered the conversation that she and Lea had had at the cove. Lea had said that she was a romantic, and she liked the grand gesture. Suddenly Rachel knew what she was going to do. She would go to Kingsand and surprise Lea.

  The next day at work, Rachel had a chat with Tom, saying that she wanted to take a week off work. Tom was delighted, apart from a few days off over Christmas and new year, Rachel hadn't taken leave since her trip last year. January was usually quiet at the gallery, so the timing was good. When Tom had asked her where she was going, she wouldn't say, just that she needed a few days off.

  On the train, Rachel was feeling nervous and excited. She couldn't wait to see Lea's face. She knew that after how things had been left between them, she couldn't expect to be welcomed back with open arms. At the same time, Lea had said that she was still in love with her. Rachel also remembered Jasmine's words. Even when she and Olivia had been apart, Jasmine said that she never stopped loving her. And this was certainly a grand gesture, Rachel had never done anything like it before. She had booked the same cottage that she had had last summer. After the long journey down, it was good to know where she was heading for. She experienced a warm feeling of coming home, and tears pricked at the back of her eyes.

  Arriving at the cottage, the door was unlocked as before. Rachel could smell woodsmo
ke as she walked into the lounge, and the fire was crackling away, sending sparks of light up the chimney like little fireflies. Putting her case down, Rachel walked over to warm herself in front of the fireplace. Ah, lovely. Sitting down on the sofa, she took her phone from her pocket, and dialled Lea's number again. Nothing. Sometimes the signal wasn't good indoors, maybe she would walk along to Lea's place instead. Rachel took her case upstairs, planning to unpack her things. She couldn't wait any longer, her nerves and excitement were getting the better of her, and she made her way back downstairs. Grabbing her coat from the hook by the front door, Rachel walked along the road to Lea's cottage, rubbing her hands together, partially from the cold, but mostly to give her hands something to do. She knocked and waited. No reply. There didn't seem to be any lights on, either. Maybe Lea was at the cafe. Then Rachel realised that it would probably be closed now, being January. Sighing heavily, she decided that she would try again in the morning. Breakfast at the cafe would be something to look forward to.

  In bed that evening, Rachel lay back on the soft pillows, looking at the painting of the hibiscus opposite. All the memories of those two weeks with Lea came flooding back, and she couldn't wait to see her again. How it had taken her this long to realise that she wanted to be with Lea, she didn't know. She had no idea how things would work between them, but she had to do something. Rachel had let work take over again, and this time, she really was prepared to do things differently.

  It was a bright, cold Saturday morning. Rachel got showered and dressed quickly, she couldn't wait to see Lea. She had a fizzy nervous feeling inside, like the bubbles rising in a glass of champagne. She decided to try Lea's cottage again before going to the cafe. Just like the previous evening, there was no answer. After knocking twice more, Rachel headed down the hill, taking in the view of the bay as she went by. Arriving at the cafe, she sat down in the corner. A woman she recognised from the summer came over to take her order. Rachel thought that she was probably the owner. She ordered the cooked breakfast and a cup of tea. When her breakfast was brought over to her, she said, 'Thank you. Will Lea be working today?'