The Fire Within Series: Books 1 - 3

by Ella M. Lee

  Smoke magic was incredibly difficult to use in its raw elemental form. I didn’t know much about their magic, but I knew that focusing it and forcing it into lines and shapes helped hone and direct it. Nicolas was using circles to hone his Water magic right now.

  When he was done, he walked the perimeter several times before kneeling and touching his hand to the wet edge of the outermost circle. With a bright flare, the entire circle lit up with his pale magic.

  Nicolas stood, holding a hand out gracefully. He made several complex motions with his fingers, a working of great magic, a ward I couldn’t begin to decipher.

  “All right, go ahead,” Nicolas said, eyes still on his circle.

  Daniel started to glow. The light around him was the shifting blue of teal and navy and sky and ocean and clouds heavy with rain. It grew until it enveloped him completely, filling the circle until there was nothing to see, but it did not escape it. The magical pressure in the room was intense. Dan was a miniature sun within Nicolas’s apartment, burning with heat and power. I buckled under its weight, leaning away, about to put my own shield in place.

  Then it was gone with a pop! The light around Daniel shattered into mist with barely a movement. I blinked. Everything looked normal again. Magical vertigo shook me, as though the floor had dropped from under me. I swayed, confused for a moment.

  Daniel sat, hands folded in front of him, his expression amazed. His eyes were bright, and there was light behind them that I had never seen before. He didn’t look stressed or unusual in any way. He looked confident and strong and entirely himself.

  Nicolas hadn’t moved. His hand twitched, and he smiled and looked to me. “Voilà! May I present your new commander. Parfait.”

  I grinned, relaxing instantly.

  “Wow,” Daniel said. “That was a hundred times worse than the first time.”

  He gave Nicolas an exasperated look, and they both laughed.

  “Are you good now?” Nicolas asked, still poised.

  “Yeah,” Daniel said.

  Nicolas snapped his fingers once, and the glow of his circle died. Daniel stood stiffly, dusting himself off.

  His dark eyes slid to me. “Sorry, Fi… about earlier.”

  I froze, my heart hammering in my chest. “Yeah, um, well, it’s okay.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at our awkward exchange, and Dan joined me. I glanced at Nicolas. He rolled his eyes, but he didn’t seem upset.

  I desperately wished that his hands were on me, that he could talk to me and tell me what he felt, that he could tell me what to do next. I was unsure how to proceed. His warm eyes met mine and closed briefly. He tilted his head toward Daniel.

  It was a command.

  Well, Nicolas technically didn’t command me, but there wasn’t a world in which I wouldn’t listen to him. And although Daniel was a commander in his own right, I believed he felt the same way.

  I went to Dan, enveloping him in my arms. I was relieved to find that none of the earlier tension between us existed anymore. I felt nothing for him now beyond our friendship and the closeness that we’d poured into each other the past few months. There was no insane and irresistible urge to kiss him, to touch him, to feel his skin on mine.

  He was just Daniel, my best friend, my commander. Unfathomably strong and powerful, but still a kid at his core, still sweet and funny and arrogant in the way only a kid could be.

  I gripped him tightly to me and rediscovered what it meant to feel comfortable near him. His arms tightened around me, and I knew this was our way of apologizing to each other.

  “All right, good,” Nicolas said, his voice even, assessing both of us. “It seems like we took care of that problem. How does your magic feel, Dan?”

  Daniel released me, flexing his hands, shaking himself out like he might before a fight. “It’s mine, it’s under my control, it’s amazing. Right back where it belongs.”

  I backed up from him and bumped into Nicolas, who caught me tentatively in his arms. One of his hands slid from the curve of my waist up to my collarbone and along my neck. I tilted into him, wanting to purr under his sensitive touch. Daniel watched us, a small smile gracing his lips.

  “Right back where you belong too, Fi,” he said kindly.

  Nicolas sighed. “Who else needs a drink?”

  Chapter 16

  Daniel left after only another few minutes and several fingers of whiskey. He was off, he said, to write a report about his experiences in his sanctum and go over them with Ryan. I had asked him, cringing, if we could leave out the parts about us. Dan had rolled his eyes in a gesture that meant “duh, Fi, obviously” and waved himself out the door.

  Nicolas was leaning against his bar, staring out the windows at nothing in particular. He looked upset.

  “Is it okay to keep that a secret between us?” I asked.

  I was ashamed of what had happened, disappointed in myself and my lack of restraint, and dismayed that I had hurt and betrayed Nicolas.

  “Everyone has secrets, Fiona,” he said, shrugging, still looking away. “Everyone has baggage, fears, mistakes.”

  “Even you? I thought you were better than everyone else.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment before resuming staring straight ahead. I didn’t know what he was seeing in the dim, rain-splattered glass—maybe several decades of his own deepest insecurities and failures.

  “Being better than everyone else is still a far cry from being perfect,” he said.

  I shifted from foot to foot, unable to bear the awkwardness between us, unsure if I should say or do something. I wanted to go to him, but I had the distinct impression that it would be a bad idea.

  “I know you’re listening in,” I said quietly. “Tell me what to say.”

  “I’d prefer you said nothing right now,” he said. “In fact, I’d prefer it if you left. I need a moment to think.”

  “Oh. Of course.”

  My lower jaw trembled as I made my way back down the hall to my own home. I shook as I shut the door, trying to prevent my heart from crumpling in my chest. There was, thankfully, a strange numbness and detachment coming over me. It brought a calm I wasn’t used to, yet one that I sorely needed right now.

  Nicolas is not leaving you, I reassured myself. He just wants some time alone. That’s fine. You owe him that.

  I dragged myself to the bathroom. I barely felt my hands as they turned the knobs of the shower, barely registered the searing water on my skin. I finished my routine and stood under the falling water for several minutes before snapping out of it. I turned off the water, dried off, and dressed in pajamas, still numb.

  What was this feeling and when would it go away? And did I even want it to go away? It was a little nice right now, not feeling for once.

  Against my better judgment, I dredged up the entire day, minute by minute. Including all the painful minutes. I tried to look at it all coldly and analytically, but it was impossible to feel that way about Daniel’s frenzied touch, the blaze of Nicolas’s eyes, my profound shame and disappointment in myself.

  Ugh. Kill me. This is far too difficult to deal with right now.

  I braided my hair and rubbed my face, studying myself in the mirror. It was shocking to realize nothing had changed. Dark hair. Blue eyes. Pale skin. Freckles. I looked like the same person I was this morning. But something had changed, hadn’t it? How could it have not?

  I needed sleep. I had to hope this would all make more sense in the morning.

  But I couldn’t sleep. It was still early, and I was too keyed up. I sat on the couch and stared at Daniel’s name in my texting app for almost a full minute before typing anything. I had so many things I wanted to say, many of which I shouldn’t. But I needed something to help hold myself together. Without Nicolas to support me, I only had Daniel. Finally, I just sent:

  Hi.

  “Hi” wasn’t a typical greeting between me and Daniel. I only used that tentative word when nervous or upset, so “hi” was a keyword that he knew m
eant “You’re probably busy, and I know I’m bothering you, but I need your attention, please.”

  His reply was instant.

  Are you okay?

  I had to think about my response for several seconds.

  No idea. Probably. Maybe? I hope.

  I waited, watching the screen anxiously for his reply.

  You are much stronger than you think. Really.

  I took a deep breath and smiled, feeling instantly better. Daniel knew, even from a distance, exactly what I needed to hear. I wrote back:

  You okay?

  I watched his typing bubbles for a bit.

  Yeah. I feel a million times better than I have for the last few days. I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be like that. I should have asked Nico sooner. I’ll regret that forever.

  I frowned. I didn’t want him to think this was his fault, or that I was upset with him. We went back and forth for several minutes after that.

  Because of me? Because you shouldn’t.

  What we did… I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

  Operative word: we. I’m to blame as much as you are. If you need forgiveness, then so do I.

  You did nothing that needs forgiving. You are great. There are very few people in the world I love as much as you, Fiona Ember.

  Right back at you, Daniel Shing.

  You’re too good to me.

  It’s my job. :)

  About to be busy. Talk later?

  I’ll be here.

  Don’t be too hard on yourself. I need you. Nico needs you.

  Thanks for looking out for me.

  It’s my job. :)

  Daniel and I would be fine. We had a way about us, an easiness that nothing could really affect—not even frenzied, magic-induced attraction. He and I would carry on with no issues, strong and working toward our goals together.

  It was Nicolas that I was worried about. I wanted him. I had to hope he still wanted me, but first he wanted time to himself to think, and I would give that to him. I knew he would come to me when he was ready, but waiting patiently was so difficult.

  I was halfway through a comforting bowl of sugary cereal, up to my neck in boring reading about advanced Water wards, when Nicolas knocked on my door. He let himself in and stood awkwardly, watching me.

  “Hi,” I said tentatively. “How are you?”

  “Tired,” he said.

  I waved my hand, welcoming him to sit. He sat carefully in the chair across from me.

  “You should sleep,” I said. “We can talk later. It’s okay.”

  “I’d like to talk now. I don’t want the night to go by with you hurt and confused. That would be unfair.”

  “I’m sorry—” I began, but he held up a hand.

  “Allow me,” he said. “I want to say some things first.”

  “Please.”

  He took a deep breath. “I know I should be angry. I know that no matter what the reason behind it, what the two of you did was still a betrayal. I should feel jealous and possessive. I shouldn’t be so easily forgiving.”

  My heart sank, shattering among the pile of pins and needles that was my chest right now. I couldn’t speak. He was right—very right—and I wouldn’t blame him at all if us breaking up was his decision, if he felt those feelings, if they could never be changed. I wasn’t about to pretend that what I’d done didn’t deserve negative consequences.

  “But...” he continued. “But… all I want to do at this moment is to take you in my arms and never let you go.”

  I couldn’t breathe.

  I was afraid if I made the slightest movement, it would upset whatever cosmic balance existed between us. I had a habit of not believing Nicolas when he told me things. I didn’t have his preternatural mind-reading ability. I never knew for certain if what he was telling me was true. That had extended all the way from our first moments together to today. Even though he had told me he loved me, that he didn’t blame me, that he didn’t want to punish me, I hadn’t truly believed he wasn’t just placating me with those words until Daniel’s issues were solved.

  Daniel was the important one in Nicolas’s life. Nicolas’s life’s work had practically revolved around finding someone as interesting as Daniel to use for his magical science experiments. They had known one another for years, and Nicolas treated him like a son. In a contest between Daniel and me, Daniel would always be the priority. Nicolas could have anyone he wanted in bed—he had, many times over—so he didn’t need me for much more than amusement. I offered him practically nothing. It was hard for me to believe this wouldn’t wreck our relationship, especially if it meant keeping his relationship with Daniel intact.

  “Stop,” Nicolas said, his voice hard. “How dare you.”

  I looked at him, alarmed. He hadn’t used that tone with me in a long time, not even at any point today. That tone evoked danger and malice, and it was reserved for when he was angry or trying to be at his most frightening.

  “How dare you belittle my feelings for you,” he said. “How dare you pretend you understand me, when I’ve never said any of those things? When I’ve never even so much as hinted that you aren’t every bit as important to me as Daniel or anyone else. I would do anything for you that I’d do for any of them. I have already done that.

  “If I cared about you less than the others, we wouldn’t be here now, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. If that were the case, I would have triaged you out of my life and focused on Daniel alone. But we’re still here because I love you, and I can’t let you go, and I won’t give you up. Your one day with Daniel doesn’t matter to me because I’m looking forward to thousands of days where you are mine and only mine. I believe in that.”

  His hands were locked together tightly in his lap. This was as agitated as I had ever seen him. Even in the direst of emergencies, I hadn’t seen such raw emotion from him.

  “Do you believe in that?” he asked.

  I knew Nicolas, and I knew he wanted a considered response.

  Moment of truth, because there were only two ways to go here.

  The first was what my instincts wanted, what the anxious voice in the back of my mind liked to whisper to me. Back off, leave him, let him move on past you to someone he deserves, don’t hold him back, don’t bring him down, you don’t deserve him, you’ve wronged him, you should just give up, you’ll never fix this, you’re unworthy of any of this.

  I studied that voice, the one telling me to quit, the one telling me who it thought I was. That was the part of me that crumbled under pressure. The part of me that had cried for hours after my mother’s funeral where no one could see. The part of me that had given up when Nicolas had captured me. The part of me that only saw failure within.

  But there was so much more to me, especially now. There was the part that had searched out magic for months and found it against all odds, the part that had completed the Flame Clan trials faster than anyone in three decades, the part that had thwarted and injured a Water commander while mortal, the part that had trained and gotten stronger here, the part that had charged into battle to save the men I loved most.

  That part of me didn’t want to back down just because I was scared of what might happen. I wanted to be better than that.

  “I believe in us,” I said quietly, “and I won’t give you up. I will spend each one of those thousands of days proving that, if you’ll let me.”

  His eyes flashed to mine. He looked relieved. “Let’s get started, then.”

  I nodded, tears filling my eyes. He beckoned to me, but I hesitated. I was afraid to touch him, afraid that it somehow wouldn’t be the same as before.

  He tilted his head and came to sit next to me on the couch, our thighs barely touching.

  “What are you reading, lamb?” he asked, and I smiled gratefully. Now he was giving me space, giving me a moment to breathe and adjust.

  I turned the book toward him, showing him the very complicated ward designs of the current chapter with distaste. Nicolas grim
aced sympathetically, but I knew my plight was largely lost on him. He was an excellent magician; he could probably draw and activate every ward in this book in his sleep.

  After all, Nicolas was the type of magician who invented new wards.

  “If you’re going to sit there making me feel self-conscious, at least explain the difference between these two wards,” I said, pointing to two sections on the page. He leaned closer to see and our shoulders brushed together. I flinched, jumping.

  He eyed me with concern.

  Tentatively, he touched my shoulder. I closed my eyes. I was trembling. It felt a lot like this was the first time he had ever touched me, back when I despised him putting his hands on me whenever he chose but had still somehow wanted his touch.

  “Fiona,” he said. “Relax.”

  I nodded, although I didn’t feel like that was possible. His fingers were on the bare skin of my shoulder.

  May I? he asked in my mind.

  I nodded again. He wrapped both arms around me, pulling me into him, his cheek pressed against the top of my head gently. He was solid and warm, and his delicious scent invaded my senses. I breathed deeply, wanting him, heat creeping over me and reminding me how comfortable it was to be in his arms.

  His fingers traced my cheek, my neck, my waist, my thighs, my wrists. I was breathing hard, completely frightened.

  Relax, he said again, his tone gentle and understanding. I cleared my mind and focused on his steady breathing, so much more controlled than mine. Nicolas was always in control. He would never have done anything like what I had done. He was too good for that.