Always Loving You

by Sydney Landon

  Mac was quiet for a moment, as if trying to gather his thoughts. “You said you’ve never . . . been with another man since that night?”

  “That’s right,” she admitted, feeling embarrassed about the lengths she had gone to for years to convince him otherwise.

  “So you haven’t slept with anyone either? I mean like spent the night with someone else in your bed?”

  “No,” she answered, confused by his question. If she hadn’t had sex, wasn’t it obvious that she hadn’t had a sleepover either?

  He removed his arms from her, and a squeak of surprise left her lips as he lifted her up to sit on his granite countertop. He laid a hand on each of her legs, opening them enough for him to settle between them. She put her hands on his shoulders, now that they were at eye level, and waited for him to continue his earlier conversation. “I’m a light sleeper, so you woke me up moving around restlessly. You were lying half under me, with my legs across the top of yours. I think since this wasn’t something—normal for you, that it might have triggered a nightmare. Feeling someone holding you down while in the midst of a dream could have changed the dynamics. Even though you were asleep, your subconscious was reacting to a threat.”

  Feeling a wave of alarm, she cried, “If that’s true, this could happen again. Mac! I—I can’t do this to you again!”

  Stroking her hair, he said, “Calm down, baby. I’m just thinking aloud. I think this is probably the most rational explanation for what happened. I don’t want to get into everything this morning, since we don’t have much time before work. But I think we need to discuss it tonight. Have you talked to anyone about what happened to you since that night?” When she opened her mouth to answer, he held up his hand to stop her. “I mean in detail, Avie. Not just that you were . . . violated. The whole thing from start to finish and what happened afterward.”

  “No,” she admitted, feeling almost surprised herself. Of course, people knew about her past, but she’d never really sat down and gone through everything. Even right after her attack, she had glossed over some of the details. Truthfully, she could see her grandfather’s face shutting down before her eyes as she had told him what happened. After that, each time she had omitted more and more until now it was almost like a rehearsed speech. In fact, she could see that she made light of her pain. Almost as if she were talking about someone else being raped and not herself.

  Mac kissed her lightly, running his hands up and down her spine. “It’s going to be fine, baby. We’ll figure it out.” Dropping his hand to squeeze the swell of her bottom, he added, “Now move it, woman. I’ll follow you to your place so you can change.”

  When he started to pull away, Ava gripped his hand. “What about your . . . face? You look like you’ve been attacked.”

  Raising an eyebrow, Mac said, “Rough sex?” For the first time that morning, she had a hard time smothering a grin. “What?” Mac smiled in return. “You know that’s exactly what Dom and Gage will think. Might as well let ’em enjoy it.”

  In perfect sync, they finished their coffee before grabbing their shoes and keys. Mac followed her to her apartment and then insisted on walking her inside. He went through each room before leaving her on her doorstep, after a thorough kiss that left her feeling utterly befuddled. If he was trying to keep her mind off how she had attacked him in his own bed, he was doing a superb job. The problem was that once he and his magic mouth were gone, all Ava could think of was the long, angry scratches marring his handsome face. She felt a hum of dread. How could she be sure something like this would never happen again? She didn’t want to lash out at Mac while she was asleep and dreaming of the nightmare from her past. She had a sinking feeling that the bastard who had all but ruined her life was now going to take the only man she had ever loved from her.

  * * *

  Mac had to give his friends credit. He’d been at work for almost an hour and neither of them had mentioned his messed-up face. He was the first to admit that men weren’t the most observant of creatures, especially when it pertained to another man. A man might not notice a woman had a new hairstyle—like ever—but if the same woman got a boob job, he’d probably notice it within two minutes. The male sex just had different priorities in life. Sad maybe, definitely true. However, usually something as obvious as your friend looking as if three big-ass cats had clawed his face was at least going to get a comment if nothing else.

  When they all took a seat at the conference room table for their morning roundup meeting, Gage looked first at him, then back at Dom. “Well, fuck, I’m just going to get it out there. What are you into these days, brother? I mean, we all know that the object of your affection is the demure little number a few floors above us. I don’t see her ripping your ass up like that, so who have you been playing with and does she have a sister?”

  Dominic hooted with laughter, causing the chair that he’d been balancing on its back legs to wobble precariously. “I like it rough sometimes myself, but I try to limit the claws to my back. You look like you had sex with the damn female equivalent of the Lion King.”

  “Funny,” Mac deadpanned. “Like you two have any room to talk. I’ve seen you both sporting black eyes on more than one occasion.”

  In typical fashion, Dominic was easily distracted and turned on the man beside him. “Yeah, Gage, how about that hot little number on the second floor who kneed you in the balls last week? Might not have left a visible mark, but damn, I bet you were singing soprano all night long.”

  When Gage actually blushed, Mac looked at him in surprise. “Whoa, when did I miss this?” Gage kept his mouth shut and continued to look uncomfortable. Mac turned back to Dominic, saying, “I know I’m going to regret this, but explain.”

  Dominic smirked in obvious enjoyment. “Well, you see there’s this woman in customer service who our resident Don Juan has struck out with. Not only has he not gotten into her panties, but she attacked the family jewels when he grabbed her in the parking garage last week. Guess she didn’t hear him coming and when he put his hands on her, she thought she was being mugged or something. I saw the whole damn thing. Only wish I had gotten it on video. She was wearing some black kick-ass heels and a tight skirt. It was a fucking sexy vision when she laid our boy here out on the ground. I’m not one hundred percent certain, but I’m pretty sure I saw a tramp stamp on her lower back when she bent over to see if he was breathing afterward.”

  “No way.” Mac laughed. It seemed as if he wasn’t the only one getting his ass kicked by a woman lately. Maybe it was twisted, but it made him feel much better.

  “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, ladies. My balls might have been up around my neck for about twelve hours, but I’m still more of a man than either one of you,” Gage grumbled.

  Dominic snickered in reply. “That was weak, dude, but since you’ve been recently emasculated, I’ll let it slide.”

  Gage whirled around in his chair, seeming to lose his usual good sense of humor. “Oh, really, Dom? Well, why don’t we talk about your lack of success with the woman you’ve been pining over like a little bitch?”

  Mac watched in interest as the smirk fell off Dominic’s face to be replaced by a scowl. Shit, had he missed all the good stuff lately? Looking over at his frowning friend, he asked, “So, who are you lusting after now?” Truthfully, he was just relieved to hear that Dominic was interested in anyone else other than Ava. Unless . . . ? “Man, it had better not be my woman,” he warned.

  “Boy, that’s hitting a little too close to home, isn’t it, Dom?” Gage taunted.

  “Gage,” Dominic warned, “shut your damn piehole, man, before I shut it!”

  Mac was starting to feel like a bobble-head as his eyes jerked from Gage to Dominic and then back again. “All right, you two are starting to piss me off.” Leveling his gaze at Dominic, he added, “Ava and I are together now, so you’d better not be sniffing at her skirt or I’ll kick your ass.”

  Gage flopped forward onto the table, seeming to find the whole thing hilarious
now that he was no longer the subject of conversation. “Go back a little further, bro,” Mac heard him gasp out.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Dominic suddenly boomed as he stood up. “It’s Gwen, all right? Big-mouthed Nancy over there is talking about Gwen! Now go ahead and lose your shit so we can get past this.”

  Floored, Mac repeated, “Gwen? You mean you like Gwen?”

  Dominic looked at him warily as he said, “It’s been more like I lust Gwen, but I guess like plays a part in it too.”

  “She does have a nice, big, juicy, round—ouch!” Gage howled as Dominic threw a pen at his head with perfect aim.

  Still confused, Mac said, “So let me get this straight. You’ve got a thing for Gwen? How long has this been going on?” Mac knew the fact that he was more curious than upset was very telling about the level of his feelings for the woman he had just stopped seeing.

  Dominic sank back into his chair, releasing a breath. “Nothing has happened between us. She doesn’t even know. I mean, we live in the same apartment building, so I see her around a lot.”

  “So you lusted after Gwen or whatever you want to call it the whole time I was dating her?”

  Dominic looked pained as he admitted, “Well, yeah, that’s about right.”

  Mac shook his head in disgust. “Shit, Dom, why didn’t you say something? I’d never have asked her out the first time if I’d known.”

  Dominic looked away before saying quietly, “You needed her more. Ava has kept you tied in knots for years. I figured if there was someone to get you away from all that, then what I wanted didn’t really matter.”

  “Dom, brother,” Mac began, feeling at a loss for words.

  “Does anyone else feel like we’re having our own Oprah Winfrey Show? Just sayin’ . . . ,” Gage said with what was almost a straight face. Luckily, his comment had effectively broken the tension that had been building in the room, and Mac was grateful.

  “Um . . . yeah, let’s get back on track,” Mac replied. “First, though, Dom, if you like Gwen, then you have my blessing. She’s a very nice woman, and you had better treat her as such. I’m just gonna assume that this sudden BFF thing that you were doing with Ava had something to do with that.” Holding up his hand when Dominic would have answered, he added, “Let’s just leave it at that. I may have to kill Gage if he makes another comment, and we need to finish this meeting and get back to work.”

  “I never get any appreciation around here,” Gage grumbled as they started going through the assignments for the day.

  Mac smothered a grin, thinking how odd it was that all three of them seemed to have some type of woman problems. If misery loved company, then he finally had someone around to share it with. Thing was, though, his misery seemed to be ending while theirs was just beginning. He’d try not to enjoy it too much, since his brothers had been there for him through years of bad moods and moping around. But, damn, he wanted to relish it . . . just a little.

  * * *

  Ava and Emma had been working steadily all morning on a presentation that Ava planned to make to a potential new customer the next day. When they stopped to have a much-needed break and a cup of coffee, Ava attempted to sound casual and said, “So, I stayed the night with Mac last night and I accidentally attacked him this morning.”

  Emma cursed as she took a big gulp of her hot coffee. “Ugh! Why did you do that to me? Couldn’t you have given me some warning before blurting out something like that?” Wiggling her tongue around as if trying to cool it off, she set her cup down and glared at Ava. “Okay, let’s try that again.”

  Ava couldn’t control the grin that covered her face at Emma’s disgruntled but still overly curious expression. “I stayed the night with Mac, but then had a nightmare this morning and . . . scratched him all up.” Shaking her head, she added, “He looked terrible.”

  Emma’s eyes were wide as she said, “Wow! Wait a minute. Am I the first person you’ve told about this? I’m still pissed that you told Suzy about the first time with Mac. I would have totally dumped your brother for lunch that day had you given me any indication that you had some big news to share. Speaking of . . . was it big—news?”

  “Oh my God,” Ava groaned, “I can’t believe you asked that too! What is it with the women here and their fixation on men’s penis sizes?”

  “Ah, come on. Half the men here walk around so damn cocky, ha-ha, pun intended, that you want to know if there’s something to back that swagger up. Suzy, Claire, Beth, and Ella all swear that their men are packing some serious digits, and it’s for damn sure that your brother is . . .”

  “Gross! Must all our conversations include something about sex or Brant’s body parts? He might be your fiancé and apparently you two go at it like damn horny rabbits, but he is my brother! I really don’t need to know if he’s big, small, or makes your eyes roll back in your head within thirty seconds—just yuck!”

  Almost as if Ava hadn’t just finished a rant, Emma said, “So you’re saying he’s big, right?”

  Ava picked a folder up from her desk and smacked it against her own forehead several times before dropping it. In a resigned voice she said, “Yes, damn you, he is.”

  “I knew it! Honey, those cargo pants don’t hide anything. Same goes for Dominic and Gage. They might as well be holding up a sign next to their crotch that says XL,” Emma joked.

  Ava stared at her future sister-in-law and thought, yet again, that her brother had his work cut out for him. Of course, considering that he had always been a complete stuffed shirt, Emma was the best thing to have ever happened to him. “Does Brant know that you stare at the front of every man’s pants in this building? Probably in Myrtle Beach as well? I mean, how do you do that without them noticing?”

  “I could teach you,” Emma offered.

  Surprised, Ava asked, “Really? Like how . . . No! I don’t want to know. Please, let’s just change the subject.”

  Grinning at her slip, Emma said, “Okay, but if you change your mind . . . So, anyway, what happened with the whole bad dream thing this morning? I mean, do you remember what you were dreaming about when you went postal?”

  Ava sat back in her chair, flipping a paper clip between her fingers. “Yeah, it was . . . about the guy who raped me. It wasn’t like the first time I’ve dreamed about it, but this was different, more like it was happening now, and I was defending myself. It was still him, though. I was so determined that he wouldn’t win this time. I was fighting him with everything I had. Mac finally woke me up by yelling at me to stop and had to keep me from ripping him apart. He . . . he had blood dripping down his face, Em. I let him keep things light afterward, but I seriously wanted to have a huge crying fit knowing that I’d done that to him. I just don’t understand why it happened.”

  All seriousness now, Emma moved to the edge of her seat, her eyes full of support and sympathy. “It might have scared you, and it most assuredly scared Mac, but I don’t think it’s that strange, considering what happened to you—”

  “I get that,” Ava interrupted, “but before when I dreamed about . . . him, it was just flashbacks, bits and pieces of what happened. Never once have I dreamed of fighting back. Of being pissed at what was happening to me. I was always helpless in the other dreams, but this one, I never felt that way. I felt like I could save myself . . . you know, if I just fought hard enough.”

  “But you’ve never slept with a man since that happened to you, right?”

  Dropping her head to her desk, Ava shook her head. “No, I haven’t. God, that was so long ago. It seems pathetic that I’ve kept myself in some self-imposed prison since then. I mean, I know everyone understood it for a while, but after a few years, I could see the pity in their eyes. They were starting to worry about me. Wondering if I would ever be the same. Both Brant and Declan tried to talk to me, but it was so damn awkward for all of us that eventually we avoided the subject. It’s why I created this big bullshit illusion that I was normal again. I couldn’t have them and Mac thinking that
I was still messed up over the whole thing. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. After I had the first fake overnighter, things were better. I made sure everyone knew it and I could almost hear their sighs of relief.

  “When Mac came back from the military and opened his company, I knew that he kept an eye on me, so I continued doing it. A fake guy every now and again kept him from getting too close. I was too messed up for a real relationship, so it put him at arm’s length, but I had our friendship. No pressure, nothing messy to deal with. But he was in my life in some way.” Ava had told Emma in one of her weaker moments about her arrangement with the college guys who came over every few months, so the other woman knew well how far she had taken her efforts to appear normal to her friends and family.

  “Ava, I believe you’ve pretty much answered your own question. After all this time, you suddenly have a man in your bed. You’ve actually let someone close to you without faking it. Your mind is probably scrambling to keep up with all these new developments. I would be more surprised if you weren’t having some kind of issues adjusting. I mean, it’s amazing that you finally realized that you needed to do something before you lost Mac, but maybe that big step has been a little harder than even you’ve realized.” Giving Ava a beaming smile, she added, “I’m proud as hell of you, though. You went after what you wanted and you’re living again. Shit, you’re as different as night and day from when I first met you.”

  Curious, Ava asked, “I am? How do you mean?”

  Rolling her eyes, Emma said, “Honey, you were always one of two ways. Either really tense or really depressed. There didn’t seem to be much middle ground there. I figured that like your brother, you were probably eating antacids by the handful. Even when you were being all bitchy or condescending, I still wanted to give you a hug. Underneath the whole tough exterior, you seemed so sad. I think your brothers, bless their hearts, knew something wasn’t right, but in typical male fashion, they just didn’t know what to do about it. Now, even after attempting to strangle Mac this morning, you’re glowing. You look happy.”